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I wasn't sure where to post this, I hope this is ok. For those who have been following my posts, well I learned something new as of this morning!
I got a phone call earlier from a friend of mine who ran into my husbands mother at the grocery store! His mother tells my friend I told my husband I was alot happier now that he was out of the house! WTH? I never said that. I'm the one who wanted to try and save the marriage, who took him back several times etc!
Last time my husband was here at the house, HE is the one who told me HE was happier since he was gone! Its all been turned around on me now! WHY?? Why would he tell his mother this? His mother and I have always gotten along, she is the one who convinced me to take him back the last time by saying "I really think he loves you and is serious about wanting to work it out!"
They are trying to make me look like the bad guy here! He said that not me! I have tried calling his cell several times and left messages, and sent a text as well, I think he has his phone cut off or he is avoiding me altogether right now!
Why is this happening to me? Its bad enough he left for another but now he has to make it worse by telling people things I never said! Is him leaving me for another person and all his "happiness" not good enough?
Jilly, can you keep to one thread? That will make it much easier for folks to keep your story straight and you will get more responses. Stay on GQ11 so you get the most responses, IMO.
Your H is under the influence of an addictive affair right now and is not in his right mind. You cannot react to his fog babble. PLEASE calm yourself down and stop reacting. Recognize what you are dealing with and SET A STRATEGY. If you do not follow a strategy here, you will be LOST in your emotions.
First step:
1. get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley [order here or get in the bookstore] This book will help you understand the mentality of your H and what to expect
3. STOP LOVEBUSTING YOUR HUSBAND - do not call him up and chew him out! That makes the OW look better. Do you think she is chewing him out?? NO! So when you do, you make her LOOK GOOD
4. watch this video
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Jilly - He is going exactly by the wayward handbook. He wants to escape blame by making it look like YOU are happier without him. Many do that. Ignore it and do something productive like cleaning the toilet.
By the way, better to stay on one thread, so people can keep track of the whole story.
Not to worry. Mine has done the same thing, and has become very hostile while doing it. I'm to blame for everything. They ALL do it. Don't call him. It will do absolutely no good.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Did you expose to everyone? Have you talked to his mother? Does she understand how you feel? If so, she is trying to protect her reputation by telling others it was YOU who wanted out, not her wonderful son. Go talk to her.
I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I didn't even want to come here but thought I'd give it a shot and wasn't sure what to really expect. I understand that in order for people to provide info and advice I need to talk this out and post and answer questions. It just it seems things are happening fast.
Do you mean expose to everyone as in what she said? NO, I just found out about it this morning, right before I posted it. I guess I could say something to her, unless there are going to be others who say not too. I feel confused and overwhelmed on what to do. I do think these kinds of sites can provide good info and people to talk too, but sometimes I wonder if it can make it more confusing for one, when there are different types of advice given. Thanks to all that replied.
Jilly, do you want us to help you develop a strategy?
cat, she has exposed the affair to everyone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Jilly, do you want us to help you develop a strategy?
Yes, that would be great, and I never said I didn't want help, but I am overwhelmed right now. I'll check back later on...I am taking my kids out to eat lunch with their grandparents.
Jilly, you will feel less overwhelmed if you can stick to a strategy. It will be tough, but if you can put aside your emotions and follow a STRATEGY, you will fare much, much better and may even save your marriage. That will give you a distinct advantage over the affairees, who have no plan. It will also help you help your children. You are all they have right now and they need to have one parent who has her faculties about her.
Your reactions to this affair are counterintuitive and will cause you more harm than good. For example, your reaction to your H's fogbabble is to call him up and lambast him. Doing this might feel good, but it actually harms you by handing ammunition to the affairees. It harms you, not helps you. This is how we can help you.
But first, you have to understand what you are dealing with here. And that comes from reading that book I mentioned above. That will bring you up to speed. Please also check out the carrot and stick link I posted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
The first thing busted fogged betrayers want to be is paint a veil of normalcy over everyone. I was told, the day after my three teens screamed her out of the house, that children were "resilient".
You H is trying for damage control. Does it sound better to say "My W is devastated" or "Yeah, she is allright with it she's happy we are separated"
Which statement makes him look less culpable for this actual scope of the disaster?
Don't bite at the little lures, save your energy fo rht emain battle.
