I've been married for 5 years - first marriage for me 2nd for my husband. We have 3 children - 12 year old boy from H previous marriage, 8 year old girl from H previous relationship and 3 year old boy together. We are both 40 years old.
I found out about my husband's affair a little over a month ago. It was with a woman he works with ( I also work there). Our marriage was not going well before that. Neither of us were meeting each others emotional needs and didn't really know what to do about it. (I really wish I would have seen this website a long time ago). At first he told me they were just really good friends. We talked about it and agreed that it wasn't good for our marriage so he was going to end it.
A couple weeks later I checked his phone and saw a text message from her saying that she loved him and he was the 1/2 to her whole, the air that she breathed... I confronted him and eventually told me that she was the only person he could be himself around and that he was in love with her. I few days later he told me he ended it. That was about 3 weeks ago. We were struggling, but trying. Some days were good and some days were bad. A few days ago, I called him at work and she answered the phone. I talked to him and he was distant so, I got suspicious and checked his cell phone record. They had never stopped texting each other. I was ready to kick him out and packed up his stuff. He came home and I confronted him he admitted everything. He says they are in love, but they haven't had sex. He loves me, but he's not in love with me. After much discussion he told me he would have no contact with her until after Christmas and we'd see if there was something to salvage in our marriage.
So, that went pretty well. We talked. I did cry a lot which probably wasn't helpful. And a couple times I yelled at him and I know now that that isn't good for the love bank. I believe with my whole heart that our marriage can be saved. He doubts it, but says he doesn't want another marriage to end in divorce. He says he tried and it didn't work. I told him I don't think we've tried everything and we owe it to each other and our kids to exhaust every avenue of hope before considering divorce.
He decided to go visit his mom for a few days with our son. He left yesterday and is coming back tomorrow. I asked him to have no contact with the OW. He agreed. He needed space and I did try to give it to him, but I did call a couple of times and he called a couple times -- mainly just so our son could talk to me. He told me he was going to talk to his mom and sister about it to get their perspective. I think that's a good idea. But they are both divorced (his mom 3 times and his sister 2 times)so, I don't know if it's the advice I want him to hear I told him about this MB website yesterday and he told me he would look at it.
Anyway, I checked the cellphone records this morning and he had several phone calls with the other woman yesterday.
I am so scared for my family. We are pretty much piecemealed together as it is. I worked really hard to make a home for the 5 of us which wasn't easy. I probably spent too much time on that and not enough on the relationship with my husband. I filled out the emotional need worksheet and was going to ask my H to when he got home. But, should I let him come home or should I kick him out. I believe I'm suppose to be in Plan A, but if he refuses to stop seeing her do I move to Plan B? I read the stuff on the website and ordered the book, but it hasn't come yet. So, if anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. Thanks

Welcome. I hope you have read all the stuff on the home page about infidelity. The articles are very helpful.

You need to let hubby come home so that you can do a good Plan A with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. That also includes exposure of the affair.

Is the other woman married?

Thanks for your response. I did read the stuff and will read it again, especially the part about exposing the affair. That seems so hard to do. I live in a very small town and people already know or think they know. I think they think I don't know. She is recently divorced. I don't know if it's even final yet. I want to do a good Plan A. I certainly don't want Plan B. If I could stop crying it would probably help. Thanks for the reply.

We all went through the uncontrollable crying, not eating, not sleeping stage.

So, you need to get a plan, which should be Plan A. Later you can do Plan B, if it becomes necessary. By all means, find out what you can about the husband. They may not be divorced. He may not know.

Also, chin up. I know how hard it is when others know - everyone in my family, at my work, in our neighborhood knew before I did. But I held my head up proudly, and now they all admire me.

hopeful, I hate to tell you this, but he will never recover as long as they work together. Everytime he sees her, he will be triggered.

Have you exposed the affair at work and to your friends and family? Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

The things that your H is saying now are CLASSIC statements of wayward who is high on an adulterous affair. Once his affair is ended, he will not feel that way.

Do you have Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley?

Also, there are about 50 screen names here like yours. Can i suggest you change your name to someone unique? I know I won't ever be able to keep you straight with all the other 50 "hopefuls" here.

Here is a great overview of Plan A that should be helpful: Carrot and the Stick

Her husband knows. He called me in the middle of the night, like a prank phonecall "You should see who your husband is with ..." I just hung up. They (now just her) live across the street from my babysitters house. Yeah, that's nice. I have been doing the head up high thing. I've only told 1 friend (whose marriage has survived an affair by both her husband and herself) and my sister. When I see her at work I look her straight in the eye and go about my business. I do take enjoyment in watching her reaction, however. She starts to stutter and scurry around like a little rat. I don't know how to do the exposure thing without feeling like I'm gossiping or bad mouthing my husband. I feel like anything I say will fuel the gossip and give the OW and my H reason to talk and take refuge in each other. How does exposing the affair fill up the love bank?? I know I'm not suppose to tell him that I'm going to tell people before hand like it's a threat, but what do I say about it when he asks me about it? My plan right now is when he comes home on Sunday to just have a nice time with him and the kids (the older kids will be here too) and then when they are in bed see if he figured anything out this weekend. And ask him to fill out the emotional needs worksheet and in a couple days go over that. I think if he doesn't REALLY end it with the OW by Monday, I will start the exposure thing. Would it be helpful to talk to the OW? Most of me knows it wouldn't be, that it would just give her reason to talk to my H. Thank you again for your response. It is very kind and much appreciated.

Yikes,

Sorry you are here. You sound like a tremendous mom. Let’s see what we have here.

You have a husband who is engaged in affair that he describes as solely emotional (more on that later). His first marriage ended in divorce. I might be reaching but I will guess that infidelity played a role. He had another encounter with a woman and it resulted in a child. Then that relationship ended (I wonder why) and he moved on to you and that resulted in child. Now, he has found another woman, his latest soul mate in a long line of soul mates. I would guess that there are others that you don’t know about. That just about paints the picture. It is an ugly picture of a man without a value system. Because he lacks values he has been unable to learn from his past mistakes. The women in his life are expendable. His children are casualties in his selfish quest to do what feels good for him without regard to the consequences.

Your husband has additionally been influenced by his mother and sister both who have a long string of failed relationships themselves. The apple does not fall far from the tree. He likely learned his behaviors from the role models in his life. A person’s parents are almost always the primary role model and to me it looks as if he is mimicking them. Your husband needs to acknowledge that he has psychological issues that interfere with him being able to sustain a relationship. He needs to address those issues in therapy so that a corrective action plan can be developed. Only then will he be suitable as a mate and only if he is successful in dealing with his relationship issues. But for now, this man is a cancer to you.

You asked for none of the above observations but the very first thing that you must do is become honest with yourself. See your husband for the man that he was and is still. His act of infidelity with this woman is more than enough reason for you to cast him out of your life and indeed your life may actually improve with him out of it. Yet there are other things to consider the most important being the family that you have built during the last five years. His children have become a part of your life. How will you deal with them? What will become of them?

Do you still want to save this marriage?

Mr. G

When you expose, you just smile and let people know that you want to save your marriage and would appreciate people's support. You don't need to be mean or say anything bad about hubby.

hopeful, you are essentially enabling the affair by keeping their secret because affairs thrive on secrecy. There is nothing virtuous about that. That is not "keeping one's head high" to enable an affair. That is an excuse for conflict avoidance that helps the affair at the expense of your marriage.

Affairs are based on an illusion so exposing them is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crackhouse to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high because no one likes to get high when others are looking on with disgust. Exposing forces the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others.

Exposure targets for you would be:

1. your children

2. his parents, your parents, the OW' parents

3. the Director of Human Resoures along with the supervisors of your WH and the OW [we have a template letter]

Your efforts at meeting his needs are not going to be very helpful if you don't do anything to cause conflict in the affair. It is your job to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair.

Why did you hang up? Have you been back in touch with him to find out what he knows?

I think the same thing about work. Not sure what we can do about that right at this moment, though. We have to stay in this area because his other kids are here and we share custody and as part of that have to live here. I'm sure there is something to be done, but we'll have to figure it out.

That's a good idea about having a unique screen name. I'll think of one today and change it.

I think it is very interesting about the addiction thing. My husband quit chewing (tobacco) about 6 months ago and has been quite irritable since then. This affair thing has been going on for about 4 months (as near as I can tell). Did this replace the other addictive behavior?? (I know it's not the only cause, we were struggling before, but didn't know what to do). When you think of how the brain reacts to addiction and the chemical changes that take place, it is a very powerful thing. His behavior lately isn't much different than in the early stages of his nicotine withdrawal. He has said many times that he can never have another chew. If he can get over this love and his withdrawal maybe the correlation between the two situations will be helpful to him. And he'll see how important it is to have NO contact with her.

Thanks for the carrot and the stick article. I'll read it later today. I need a break for awhile. As I understand it part of Plan A is taking good care of myself so, I'm going to do that.

Thank you for your insight, it is much appreciated.

and hopeful, exposure is a scary thing to do.

Scary, but absolutely necessary.

I told my ex BIL about my ex's emotional affair when I asked him to help my ex because he was very down and depressed. That was the only one I told in his circle.

Instead of exposing, I hid myself. I avoided his office as much as possible, and when it was necessary to be there, I felt like shrinking into the wall. I avoided friends who knew the both of us.

Be brave, don't be what I was.

thanks for changing the name! I want to ask you to consider what you said above, bax. Let's say my house is being robbed. Would it make sense for me to sit there doing nothing, allowing the robber to fill his truck so I can say "I held my head high?"

Or would it make more sense for me to STOP the robber by drawing my gun and calling the police?

Do you think it is noble to allow someone to destroy your child's family and your marriage and do nothing to defend it?

seems I have gotten "head held high" confused with "head stuck in the sand". thanks

Okay, I can do number 2 and 3. It won't be easy, but I can do it.

I will do number 1 too, but need some advice. Tell them altogether or separately? Is this done even if H stays at home? Our son (3) lives with us. His daughter (8) lives with us 1/2 time, but lately it's more like 90% of the time. She's already dealing with some issues with not being at her mom's house very much. His son (12) does the visitation thing mostly weekends and a good part of the summer. They'll all be here tomorrow so, it can be done then. Do we tell their mothers too? Do we do this together or do I just do it?

So, I'm guessing he's had enough chances to end this affair on his own and wasn't able to do so. Now, in order to save my marriage I have to put a whole lot of pressure on the affair in order for it to break apart. I shouldn't feel bad about that because the 2 of them have certainly put a whole lot of pressure on my marriage and family.

I hung up because he was disguising his voice and it just seemed weird. At the time I believed the affair had ended and there was nothing going on any more and he was just being bitter about his divorce. Seems very foolish now, but that is why I hung up at the time. I didn't really see him as someone that could help me out.

baxraz, I don't think a 3 yr old will understand, but I would suggest telling the older kids together by yourself. You don't want to cause a scene with your H interrupting with his fogged out "side" of the story. [and they always have some lame excuse]

The best way to expose is to do it at the same time, or as close together as possible to create a tsunami effect. F

or example, if I were you, I would call up his parents TODAY since he is there and tell them about the affair and [real important----------->] ask for their advice. Asking for help motivates them to become involved. Ask them to use their influence to get him to end his affair.

Call up anyone else who is an exposure target today, including the OWH. Make him your ally in this and pledge to work with him.

Then tell your children the truth. Tell them why adultery is wrong and give them moral guidance. Don't try and whitewash this to them in any way.

On Monday, I would deliver a letter to the Director of Human Resources and to your H and the OW's supervisors, ccing all of them on the same letter. [they need to know the letter is going to others so they won't be tempted to deep six it] In the letter, since you work there, mention something about it being a very HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT because of the unbelievable pressure of watching this affair take place at work. [something to that effect]


You are right on all counts! Your H is an addict and addicts don't usually give up the crack until the pain of getting high becomes greater than giving it up. Your job is to create huge conflict in the affair before it becomes any more entrenched.

Now, I want to point out some important things to you. Exposure will hasten the death of the affair, but usually does not kill it right away. In fact, affairs end in plan A only 15% of the time. It usually takes both Plan A and Plan B, so don't be discouraged if the affair does not end right away.

But keep this in mind: 95% of affairs end in under 2 years. Of the 5% that make it to marriage, there is an 80% divorce rate. On the other hand, 50% of marriages do not end in divorce after adultery. So, the odds are in your favor. It won't be easy, but you will have to be patient and strategic.

And lastly, when you expose, your H will be furious. He will lash out and say "I was going to work on the marriage, now I'm not.." blah, blah,blah, blah..... WE HAVE HEARD IT ALL! :RollieEyes: It means nothing and you cannot let it get to you. Just imagine that you have snatched the crack pipe from the crack head and you will understand what you are dealing with.

Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair, so just keep that in mind. When he explodes on you, just tell him you are "so sorry you are upset. Would you like a potato chip?" Don't try to reason with him and don't allow him to bait you into a fight or scare you. Just EXPECT an explosion and you won't be disappointed.

Exposure letter to HR is coming. stand by!

this was created by BritsBrat, a corporate attorney who is a member of our board. [I added the part about hostile work environment]

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

This affair creates a hostile work environment for me that causes enormous pressure at work.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

I would give him a call and find out what he knows. He may know much more than you do at this point.

You do understand that your marriage will never recover as long as they work together, right?

Ouch, but I asked for help so, I shouldn't be surprised when I get it.

Okay, I knew all about my husband's history before we were married. I thought we had it all worked out before we got married through our marriage classes and talking about it and all that stuff. Obviously these things resurfaced and when they did, they were not addressed and we didn't communicated well and now look where we are. I do not take responsiblity for this affair, but I do take responsibility for not meeting his emotional needs and that is it. I told him that I was lonely and didn't feel loved either, but I didn't look outside of our marriage to fill those needs.

Those things you wrote sound very harsh, but I believe there is some truth to them. My viewpoint of it is that something better/more fun/more exciting/new came around and it's easier to stay with that than to work on what he already has. I believe that this affair is an addiction and makes him feel good. I don't believe there have been other affairs, but there have certainly been other incidents of this irresponsible behavior over the years -- spending money on things instead of paying down debt, going out with friends instead of spending time with the family ... We worked out most of those things, I thought. But the core issue is still present. It took him a long time to acknowledge that his relationship with the OW was actually an affair. I believe he thought that because they hadn't had sex he wasn't doing anything wrong. He has at least gotten over that ridiculous thinking and now is trying to "sort things out". I don't know what that means exactly, but I'll find out more when he gets home on Sunday.

I think he is aware of his psychological issues. However, his denial of them also comes and goes. When we are having a good conversation he tells me that he isn't able to tell me how he's feeling because I'll leave him (his thoughts, not my words). I tried to tell him that he has created that fear, but because i go from being rational to a crying woman desperate to save her family, I'm probably not a great source of wisdom. I think counseling would be a great idea.

Do, I want to save this marriage? Yes. There is not one part of me that believes this won't work if he ends this affair and we work on our marriage as outlined on this website and in Dr. Harley's book. I don't doubt it is a long road and a lot of work, but I think it's worth it in the long run for him and for me and for our 3 kids.

That being said he knows where I stand I have made it quite clear that I will not live with a man who lies to me. I will not raise sons with a man who does not respect his wife. And, I will certainly not raise a daughter with a man who does not respect his wife. I will also not live with a husband who has a girlfriend. He also knows that I love him and am committed to make this marriage work.

The kids are the messiest part of the whole thing. If he will not end this affair and we move to plan B, the 3 year old will stay with me. I just finished my first exposure to the 8 year old's mother and she knows what is going on. She also knows that I love her daughter as my own. So, we will just have to see what happens there. The 12 year old is another issue and I don't know what will happen. I don't think our relationship will continue without his father present. I would hope his relationship with his brother and sister would be preserved. I am not saving this marriage just for "the sake of the kids", but the effect this will have on them has not been far from my thoughts.