HI. I think I've been reading so much in the last few weeks I am getting information overload.
I guess its been 3 weeks today: my story:
We've been together 26 years - happily -or so I thought. We have 3 boys 21,19 and 13...Had a milestone recently with the oldest moving to his own place. We had been going through a rough year with the death of his mother, the death of a fav. pet and a battle over the will. I noticed H seemed to withdraw and not have interest in anything but drinking til he can fall asleep... overworked with extra work on weekend too(Ha! yeh right I say now!)
I first had my suspicions in August when we took a family vacation, but H had to have his cellphone with him ALL the time. He then got calls from "work" - but I know him well enough to tell from the tone of his voice that he is speaking to a woman. and why would he end the calling saying" I'm so glad you called, you made my day". He relaxed over the few weeks and seemed to come to terms with whatever was bothering him.
We got home from vacation and I believed we were charging up a great relationship- we were intimate 2-3 times a day and went on weekly dates, and even Romantic getaways - one in Sept.(4 days), one in Oct.(4 days) and an amazing one in Nov.(6 days). He talked of how his boss mentioned that he must love his wife sooo much to do all this.
At first I thought - oh maybe there really isnt anything going on, but I kept checking up on him- I kept track of phone calls, & later even mileage on the truck... length of time to get home from work etc. & from his dayplanner - I knew that thoughout Nov. she was working for him - though when I asked he told me "Jason" was. The extra mileage and time was him driving her home after work.
Even though I shouldve talked to him earlier - I found it hard to find a good time - he was now drunk when getting home most days. So I finally let him know one Sat. morning that it was time to explain... That evening he confessed ... to having a very close friend.
I cried the whole time but got a few questions out -
It was the co-worker he hired in the spring, (at that time he told me he hired her to remove her from the other company where guys were sexually harassing her- so right away he's the knight in shining armour!)
It had been slowly developing over 6-8 months(I don't remember which)
They only had sex twice because of his ED, it didn't work...(hmmm)
It "just happened" and he "Never wanted to Hurt me Ever"...
but he "loves her and isn't going to leave her"
I was so confused.. and even more so since then. From that day on, he has basically told me he will always love me. And he seems now to be continuing on with his life as it was before. Although when I do happen to cry, if he is around he hugs me.
He has been doing alot around the house, including several big dinners for Solstice and Christmas - which he didnt want me to have to do anything for at all. All he seems to keep saying is he wants me to be happy (& has been doing alot in the bedroom to the effect too)
I think we kind of put off any discussion on the A, so that we could make it through the holidays for the kids...but I'm just dreading the next few when things are back to "normal". I know for the last few weeks he hasnt seen her & I've only noticed one or two phone calls. (everyone has kind of been snowed in around here)
I have a suspicion OW is staying at one of his friends houses though.. The other night he wanted to take his friend a xmas present which we usually do together every year (he wanted to go alone) So when I asked to go, he calls his friend up with this weird convo like " Is Anyone Else home? My W was going to come too" & tells me he didnt want to go if his roommates were there.
So now he just has to tell me hes going to K's house for car parts.... I'm just waiting for that to happen - but I dont know what to do about it.
Without really knowing I was doing it, I have sort of been doing a Plan A since Sept... improving my diet and exercising every day (I've lost 20 lbs), buying myself new clothes, sexy underwear etc... trying to do more around the house(one of the things he had started complaining about was all the junk we have that needs to go).
I'm reading so much - with so many various views on how to go about getting him to leave her- but from what i see, this PlanA/B makes more sense than the others I've read which say he needs to choose now & move out if he wont go NC.
I still keep wishing I could go back and change something.
