Yes. On Monday I will go talk to his boss. How humiliating, I just want to add, but I am doing it.

I also just got done talking to the 8 year old's mother and told her what was going on. She was very supportive and it gives me confidence to keep going. I'm tellling the 8 year old tonight. I can't imagine anything more painful to that little girl. I figured it would be easier to do when it's just the 2 of us and we'll have plenty of time to talk about it and just spend time together.

Do you know for a FACT he is with his mother? I would call her up NOW and tell her about the affair. If he is there, he is likely lying and spinning the story. This would give her an opportunity to speak to him. She needs to get the truth from you.

And about exposing at work, I would go much higher than his boss. Is this a big company?

It was not my intention to be harsh just truthful. Like I said, I’m sorry that you find yourself here. Additionally, my observations were just that, observations, the accuracy of which you need to confirm. I expect that I am fairly close. Once your husband’s affair ends (and it will end, especially if you follow the advice you have been given) then he will need help to understand what caused this affair, why did he feel a need to go outside the marriage and what will he do to help make him a better husband and father.


Bravo, you have your head on right and he has his on wrong. What emotional needs do you think you have neglected? What about your emotional needs, was he satisfying those?


Please be fully prepared to discover that the affair has progressed past just being emotional. I know it hurts to think that but that is where the signs point.


That’s terrific and I really mean that. Indeed the road is long but if you both travel it together then success is almost certainly guaranteed. What is critically important is for your husband to learn from his mistakes, something that appears to me as if he has yet to do.

There is not much need to discuss what needs to happen down the road until the current business of ending his affair is fully successful. Concentrate on that and the rest can come latter.


As I noted before, you appear to be a fine mother. How does the eight-year old's mother fit into the picture? How about the 12-year old's mother, where is she at? Does he have full custody of both?

Keep your chin up,

Mr. G

I do know that he is with his mother. I've talked to him a few times today and one time to his mom. He told me he hasn't told them yet. I told him he needs to. I did call his mom cell phone early, but she hasn't called back. I think she knows something is going on. I don't know that she will call back before she talks to H.

His boss is pretty much the top guy. He'd be the one to switch people around. It's a fairly big place. There are 3 separate programs and they rarely mingle. He could arrange it so the 2 of them work in different programs. My H is a supervisor. He doesn't supervise her, but she often works in the area that he supervises.

Hi, I jsut started reading your thread, I haven't read all of it but wanted to say something fast in case...

If you already told him about this site, do you know if he's reading this forum? If so, he will be able to read the suggestions on ways to snoop and also on your plans to expose.

He must not be fore-warned! If he's allowed to spin things his way it won't have nearly the same effect. You need to talk to everyone first. I think I saw you were going to wait until Monday. I don't know if it's possible, but if there's a chance he'll read about it here you might wanna try to do it sooner.

I'll go back and read the rest now, see if what I said was outa line.

ETA: If you're just now reading this, don't bother replying until you read to the end. You need to call MIL tonight!

nonononono.. YOU need to tell them. He will tell them lies and spin the truth. It is important that YOU tell her about the affair, give her the facts, and ASK FOR HER ADVICE. I would do this TODAY so she can speak to him while he is there. Call her back if you have to. But if the story comes from him, I assure you it will be highly SPUN and she will be less likely to take you seriously when you do tell her the truth

I would get a copy of the letter to your HR director and a KEY VP also. If you expose to ONE person at his workplace, you run the risk of NO ACTION because his boss will be inclined to deep six the complaint to protect your H. If others are officially notified, that is less likely to happen.

You do understand that just putting them on different programs won't suffice, don't you? They can't work at the same company if you want to save your marriage. It will be impossible...

It is also possible the company won't do anything, but just exposing it there will make it harder for them to carry on at work with everyone watching.

Ooooh I just now read the rest of the thread.... YES YOU need to be the one to tell his mom!

I was gonna say this but Mel beat me to it... call as asap and tell her!

If he tells her, he will spin it in his favor... make you look like the worst female dog in the world... make the OW look like an angel...

Call his mom and say just what Mel said... be as unemotional as possible, so as to not sound vindictive... you are telling her because you want to ask her help in saving the M... you love him and you hope she supports you...

bazraz, here is how your H will "expose" himself if he does anything at all:


"Mom, bazraz and I have been unhappy for some time and have been discussing divorce. She is as unhappy as I am and we don't feel we can live with the current situation. We have tried and tried to solve the problem to no avail. She is very controlling and has to know what I am doing every second of every day! She cusses at me and ignores me all the time. She gripes about the dirty garage and stalks me at work.

To make matters worse, she has been insanely jealous of a co-worker of mine who is nothing more than a friend. She imagines we are having an affair just because I have had lunch with her a couple times. She has helped me alot with my problems. I have to be able to talk to someone and I can't talk to bazraz because she is nuts."

Then when you call up your MIL and start talking about the affair, she will go "yeah right.." and won't believe anything you say because your H has pre-emptively kicked you under the bus and characterized you as a nut.

this is how the exposure should be done:

bazraz: Mrs MIL, WH and i are having serious problems and I am calling to ask for your advice. He is having an affair with a coworker named Hoorzilla. This has been going on for 3 months now and she has left her own H for WH. Her H is the one who called me and told it was an affair.

I appreciate your truthfulness. H's first marriage fell apart when she had an affair. They separated for quite some time, but then got back together. He was going to tell her it was over when she told him she was pregnant. He left when his son was very young. He got involved with a married woman that he worked with after that. (I guess history does repeat itself) That ended when she broke it off and she and her husband moved away. That was 10-11 years ago. H and his ex-wife have joint custody, but she has physical custody of his son. He visits us on the weekends and lives here most of the summer. We are involved with his school and sports. H would like him to live with us, but that is not a good idea right now for obvious reasons. His mom said she wasn't ready yet so, it worked out for the best.
His daughter is with a woman he dated casually. They did move in together after she told her she was pregnant and stayed together until D was about 1. There was no infidelity that I am aware of, but it was not a good relationship. My H and the mom have "joint parental responsibility" of their daughter. She is to live 1/2 time with mom and 1/2 time with dad. Her mom went back to school a couple years ago and this semester D stayed with us most of the time. She misses her mom terribly and we've been dealing with that issue. That is why I'm reluctant to tell her about this. Mom and I get along great. I did tell her about the affair today and told her I was going to tell D tonight. I told her I was committed to this marriage and wanted to work it out, but a lot depends on H. I did ask her to help me in any way she could and she agreed.
We started dating casually 4-5 months after their relationship ended. I don't think either of us thought it would get serious, but it did. We got married 1 1/2 years later. I found out I was pregnant on our 1st wedding anniversary. During that time, I basically had tunnel vision about created my idea of a "family". And, in a lot of ways, I was very successful. D came to live with us, H was more involved in S and D life and we were happy, H included. I'm still kind of confused on when things started to go bad, but I think it was about a year ago. We talked less, did less things together ... H and I have talked so much about that lately that it all blurs in my head.
In some ways, I feel better about our marriage than I did when I found out about the affair because I know what the problems are. The suggestions on this website seem to be what we need to fix them.
As far as the emotional needs I think (he hasn't filled out that worksheet yet) my husbands are the admiration, recreational, conversation and open and honesty. Obviously, his lack on honesty is so apparent because of the affair, but I have also not been honest about my feelings and because of that have/had a lot of resentments. He was not satisfying my emotional needs either. Mine are affection, admiration, conversation and honesty/openness.
He's so angry right now because I'm forcing him to choose. I don't know if he can even think straight to fill out that paperwork. He doesn't even want to talk to me. I am telling myself this is normal and part of the grieving process. He tells me "All you want me to do is come home, shut my mouth and everything will go back to the way it was and we'll be miserable". I tried to explain to him that I want this to be better too. i don't think he can listen right now.
Do you think there's any value to contacting the OW and asking her to butt out??

And I am a good mother. I haven't been a good wife, however, but I don't think I knew any better. Quite the wakeup call!

No, the OW knows he is married and does not care. She does not care about your H either.

My suggestion would be to get phone counseling from Steve Harley OR go to a Marriage Builders weekend. Either one is worth every penny. The Harleys are the best in the business, IMO, because they really do know what they are doing. Even Retrouville counselors go to MB weekends for their OWN marriages. The MB weekend is pricey, but they give you all the books, assess your marriage and hold your hand through all the lessons no matter how long it takes. You would have daily access to Dr Harley over on the other forum. My H and I went to the MB weekend and it made a remarkable difference in our marriage.

Baxraz,

Welcome to MB, I see that you have some of the best people on MB working with you and helping you through this very difficult time. They are so knowledgeable on what they are saying. You are in some awesome hands. I can’t offer anything more than them, but I remember in the beginning it just helped to have other people come on my thread and say hi and send a hug because then I didn’t feel so alone etc. So in that spirit, here I am sending you a warm hug for what you have become a part of and giving you a cheer for your commitment to your M and recovering it. I wish you so many blessings during this time.

What you are going through, as you are probably more than aware of is a war. You will lose some battles, but ultimately know you are fighting to win the war. This is a war that will ask of you to do things that are way out of your comfort zone, may seem impossible to do and down right harsh at times.

But to win the war you have to fight to the END and be willing to do whatever is suggested. Everyone who is giving you awesome advice has walked through the stages, the stories, the reactions, etc. They know how you are feeling, albeit each sitch and feeling is definitely personalized and our own.

We don’t know how this ends…. But you are in the absolutely best possible place to get through it.

Thanks

I think the MB weekend would be great. Just need to convince husband that we have something worth fighting for.

I talked to MIL. He had talked to her this afternoon. He did spin the truth like you said, but I told her what I knew and asked what I should do. He down played the affair and told her it was just a friend to talk to. He left out the part of being in love with her. I told her, but I felt like a backstabbing tattle tale [censored] the entire time. Her advice to me was that it takes 2 people to make this work and spouses need to take an interest in each others activities. When I did the emotional needs worksheet I realize that recreation partner(or whatever it is) is pretty high on my husband's emotional need so, I know what she was talking about. I got the idea from her that my husband feels pretty hopeless about the whole situation

Don't beat yourself up. You were doing what you thought a good wife should be doing. I made the same mistake - my ex and I raised 8 kids together. I was very busy with them, and he got sort of detached, and then looked to an OW (who abandoned her daughter) to fill recreation needs.

Just vow to do better in the future.

And hubby is feeling hopeless because he is having an affair. That is normal.

Wow so he said exactly what Mel said huh?

... I predict Mel gives you a hug.

ok, so he spun this all as your fault while leaving out the adultery part. See what happens when he gets there first?

How did you stab his back exactly, bax? Did you not just state facts? It is not backstabbing to simply state facts.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hope}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} please don't let it dishearten you. At least now his mother knows the full story so he won't be able to pull the wool over her eyes. Stay strong and stick to the plan, my friend!