PLEASE HELP EDIT!!! ASAP. I really want to send this right now!!! I am impatient!
Would like help with the ending - I wrote 'I love you' but am not so sure that belongs there... here it all is.
Thanks in advance!


Dear WH,

I can no longer let you and OW continue to disrespect me. To remove the pain caused by your affair and to stop you from disrespecting me I am no longer going to have any contact with you what-so-ever.

There will be no form of direct communication. All contact will be through a mediator, probably X or her husband. When I know who the mediator is I will have them send you their contact information. The mediator will only inform me as to the nature of your request and what action you are requesting.

I will not accept phone calls, mail, email, IM, or any other form of direct contact while you are in your affair.

You are welcome to contact the kids whenever you wish by skype. I will leave the room when you call them.

When you come to the island I will not see you or speak to you. You can pick up the kids from Babysitter and drop them off with her. I will work out a schedule and you can change it if you need to by organizing with Babysitter. If I leave the apartment, you can come inside and play with the kids in the apartment.

I will be open to direct communication once the following conditions are met and/or agreed to.

1. You agree to stop seeing OW. You write a letter of no contact to her. Before you send the letter I need to see it. I will edit it and I will send it. I will need proof that you are no longer in contact with her and I believe the only way to achieve that is if you are here on the island. I also believe the only way you can stop seeing her is if you spend a few months here.
2. You must be willing to live transparently – I see all e-mail, skype and we ask telecom for all cell phone records to be sent to us directly.
3. You must be willing to go to marriage counseling with me to the psychologist of my choice, be it in English or Your language.
4. You must be agree to be present in the lives of the children and in my life – you must agree to spend 10 hours per week alone with me, no work, no computers, no cell phone. 10 hours per week alone with the children, no work, no computer, no cell phone and 10 hours per week family time. No work, no computer, no cell phone.
5. No more yelling at anyone. No yelling at the kids, ever, under any circumstances. Forever.
6. You must not have any contact with men who are cheating on their wives.


If you do not wish to work on our relationship by seeing to these conditions you can communicate this to the mediator. I will then begin divorce proceedings. As I have told you, I am still willing to work on our relationship but this cannot be done under the present circumstances.

I love you,
BW

Well, the Plan B letter is supposed to be like a love letter. You have too many angry sounding phrases. I will look for a good example.

Plan B letters are to be to the point, business like, spelling out condition for plan B to end. Your letter was all of these things.

Side note: In some European countries men feel it is their birth right to have a mistress.

Where you aware of this?

If so did you consider this when you decided to marry WH?

Which country is your WH from?

OK - believer told me that it should be more of a love letter... so I am a bit confused as have read conflicting info on this.

I prefer not to say what country in order to remain more anonymous. I do not think WH thinks having an affair is his birthright -but it is in his culture. The thing is that it is also in the American culture considering that 50-60% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Just maybe more out in the open in Europe. I absolutely did not give this a single thought when I married him. I had been living in that country for 4 years when we got married. I have always been really naive on this and literally never thought it would happen to me.

Thanks for the responses
Q

Dont go by me, but I feel your Plan B letter is perfect. Specific and clear without being cold.

It is one I would send if My H cheated on me.

I think usually, if a great Plan A has been executed, then there was at least a recent history of some loving moments and some deposits to the LB$. In which case it makes sense to start out with a brief statement that while you do love WH, you can no longer bear the pain, you are stopping all contact in order to preserve your love, etc. And to close by reiterating your love and your hope for R, as you have done.

It makes for a somewhat softer, more loving PBL and leaves more of a door open for R.

Usually folks start out too soft and we have to tell them to keep it more business-like. You've got the business-like part down. Just me, but I would want it to be a bit softer, more welcome to R, if I still hoped for that.

And in that case, it should be delivered after a most memorable LB$ deposit.

It definitely needs to be a love letter. When WH refers back to it, he needs to know that you still love him and that you are protecting that love for him.

"
I can no longer let you and OW continue to disrespect me." -- take this out. You can't control what WH or OW do.

Something more like: WH, I love you and want to share the rest of my life with you. Unfortunately, your affair with OW is killing my love for you and that breaks my heart. In order to protect what love I have left, I request that you have no contact with me until you end your affair with OW and commit to working on our marriage....

I wouldn't list all the conditions in the letter, but I'd have them ready for when he says he wants to come home. Hand him the list and see if he'll agree to the conditions.

You need a mediator before you give him the letter.

He doesn't need to know what the mediator will or won't pass on, I don't think (others, correct me if I'm wrong). He doesn't need to know you'll leave the room when he calls the kids.

I agree, the letter is hostile and angry. There is nothing in it to attract your WH back home.

I wouldn't let Babysitter organize visits. What if one of the kids has a doctor appt that day or a long anticipated activity with a friend, like a birthday party or concert or something?

Don't let him in the apartment. In Plan B you must be totally dark. If he comes in the apartment he can see your decorating, your clean house, maybe your clothes, photos sitting out or on the walls, etc. These are all little "fixes" he can get. You need NO contact. Not even indirect contact.

I'd change the last paragraph, too. Of course he isn't interested in working on the M - if he were, he'd dump OW and work on the M now. Instead of threatening divorce proceedings, tell him that when he's ready to cease contact with OW and commit to working on the M, to let the mediator know.

I love all turtle's suggestions! Including having the IM in place beforehand.

Also, are you giving this to him after a great Plan A and especially after a most memorable last moment together? You want to implant some pleasant memories before going dark, you want to get him used to having you meet his ENs, and you want the last thing you remember to be something excellent.

Then during Plan B, since there's no contact, there won't be any AOs or anything else to destroy his last memories of you. OTOH, the OW will now be the sole source of having his ENs met, and hopefully she will come up lacking. Even better if she starts making demands or other LBs.