WRONG!

This is SO WRONG!

Where did you turn down the wrong road and start thinking it's your job to keep her happy and satisfied? All you have to do is be a great person - NOT do everything she wants you to do to please her! All that does is feed the addiction!

H&ll YEAH you've been spying! This CREEP is a sneaking, filthy slug who is trying to boink some other man's wife so he can get some. OF COURSE you are fighting that piece of slime! You are DEFENDING your wife - the REAL wife - from this scum, and you intend to release her from the prison she's in mentally til she can come to her senses and see that this bozo is just doing her for fun. Using her.

Ask her how hard she would fight if she found out some teenage boy was talking to her teenage daughter that way and you KNEW he intended to convince her to sleep with him?

Hon, you are falling for all her psychobabble. Hook line and sinker. What happened? Is she that good of a negotiator? Was she on the debate team or something, that she can hoodwink you so easily that you'll just cave and walk away from your marriage just because she says 'it's always been this way; you're just no good for me'?

Bullcrap! Stand up for yourself and get some respect.

I'm a softie, I guess. I literally didn't even see my WW yesterday, as she spent the entire day with OM. I purposely left the house for a couple hours because I didn't want to be home when she came home. She must have gone straight to her room, because she wasn't around after I got home. And this was around 8:00.

Well, here's my dilemma right now, and I hope I get some replies soon, because it's almost 5 am and I'm running out of time. Today is WW's birthday and I'm not sure what to do. My b-day was Dec 4, 11 days after D-Day and she did NOTHING to acknowledge it, except make my annual favorite dinner which also happens to be my DS14's (is that what I term my son?) favorite. She didn't call me that morning, and didn't wish me Happy Birthday when I came home from work, even though she was a couple feet away from my DD12 (my daughter) who came running to me when I came home to wish me HB. WW finished eating before the rest of us sat down for dinner and sat in the other room when the children sang Happy Birthday with my cake and candles.

At this point, I don't know whether I should simply NOT acknowledge her B-day, acknowledge and do nothing else, or get a card and some tulips, which are her favorite flower. How does this fit into Plan A?

[quote=scared1At this point, I don't know whether I should simply NOT acknowledge her B-day, acknowledge and do nothing else, or get a card and some tulips, which are her favorite flower. How does this fit into Plan A? [/quote]

NOT acknowledging her birthday is petty behaviour and likely to make matters worse.

OTOH, do not go overboard acknowledging her birthday, and certainly don't do anything with any expectations in mind. My suggestion would be to use the occasion to get some family time in, like take her and the kids out to a park or something similar. Any activity that the kids love should work. Suggest it to the kids first, and then to her - she may find it more difficult to turn down if the kids are enthusiastic about it .

Well, I caved in this morning and went to the store and bought some flowers. They didn't have tulips, but I got Calla Lillies, which also happens to be toward the top on her favorite flowers list, and is symbolic because those were the flowers she chose for our wedding.

At 7am, she came downstairs and left to go "running". She'll probably actually go and run, but with the OM. Historically, she's out for several hours, but only runs 3 or 4 miles. It only makes me angrier, piled on top of her being with the OM all day yesterday. No angry outbursts, though. I'm starting to be proud of myself for holding back. It's not easy.

Anyway, when she came down, she said "good morning" but did not acknowledge the flowers on the table (ya' can't miss 'em), nor did I acknowledge her birthday. She brought up some small talk, starting with my note that I left on the credit card bill yesterday, saying, I quote "Target in ______(city where OM lives)? Twice? Coincidence? Ironically, these purchases were made in the days before you spent the weekend with OM, and your subsequent announcement to me. If this is not for the benefit of the family, I have no interest in paying it". It was a little sarcastic, I suppose, but I also think I got my point across that I do not want to fund her A. Anyway, she said to me this morning, that the Target store I referenced is called that town, but is actually the one we typically shop at. She left it at that.

I've recently had an unresistable urge to mutter, "F'n Bch". Is that common for me to feel this way? Am I starting to turn away from her, or is this just my way of releasing anger without an outburst at her? I've also had wishes of OM getting killed in a car accident (some with WW in the car), others where I boldly beat the living crap out of him, leaving him in front of the gym for the other folks to provide first aid. I'm also thinking of going to the gym every morning for the sole purpose of urinating on his car (the driver's side door handle, of course) and spitting on his windshield and the drivers side window. This should only take me 5 minutes, and I'll be right back home.

Wow, I can't believe I'm saying all these things. I'm not normally a vindictive guy and I'm certainly NOT violent, but the jealousy is absolutely killing me. Time to take my chill pill again ...... literally.

Have you cancelled the joint credit card?

Entrusting any joint finances to a WS who is actively continuing their A post exposure is not a good idea IMO.

Also, it may have been better to just ask what those purchases were, then confirm the prices / items with Target, just in case she lied. If she did, then refuse to pay for that part of the credit card bill.

quote=scared1] She brought up some small talk, starting with my note that I left on the credit card bill[/quote]


I couldn't cancel the card because I would have lost all its benefits, but I reported it lost / stolen so they changed the account number and re-issued cards. In a moment of weakness, I gave her the card a couple weeks back because she would have needed it for Christmas shopping. At this point, I'm waiting for the next trigger to take it away. That trigger will be the earliest of when she gets her first paycheck (mid-January) or the next time she does laundry and chooses not to do mine. On the latter, my thoughts are simple. For 15 years, we had a division of responsibility - I worked and brought home the bacon and she did all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, and children raising. Quite frankly, over the last couple weeks, she's done nothing, but that's part of my Plan A and just quietly doing all the little around-the-house things.

I'm starting a new phase of mind shift, something I suppose of heading toward Plan B. Having spent most of Friday and Saturday night (she came home last night at 1:45 and I turned out all the inside and outside lights, fixed the dead bolt and locked it, etc.), with the OM, I've been entering somewhat of an angry phase. No outbursts, but I can't stand to see her. I conveniently excuse myself from the house for those brief periods when she may be home and I'll text my daughter to pass a message on to her. With the exception of the few words spoken early Sat morning, that's all we've spoken in 2 days. Am I blowing my Plan A by avoiding her, or is what I'm doing OK?

I'm figuring she's gonna get a real taste of reality when she goes back to work full time starting next Friday, Jan 2. She'll be tired, may not want to go to the gym at 5 am, etc. Then I'll be pulling the financial plug once she starts getting her paychecks, but she's already commented that she wants to talk to her attorney before developing any kind of expense splitting.

Locking her out of the house is not Plan A, but perhaps you are past that. The best advice I can pass to you is to conduct yourself as a caring, compassionate family man. This should not be construed to mean that you enable her affair, or do extra special nice things for her when it is not warranted. It means that you act from a sense of higher nobility and family purpose. Do you see the difference? Plan A is really the way WE ALL should act, ALL of the time. Way too many marriages degrade to the point that each spouse conducts themselves under Plan S (selfish). Don’t you be one of those.

The invitation to her to work on the marriage and family remain open. All she needs to do is to end her affair and give the marriage a chance. This is your invitation from you to her. That is a Plan A type response.

Has exposure had any positive effect that you can see? Do you know that exposure is a Plan A action? She may tell you that she hates you for it and that any chance the marriage had is now gone as a result, but the real fact is that you are acting in the family’s best interest to preserve your marriage. She will come to see that and will understand and respect it in the end.

Mr. G

You mean benefits like watching your WW spend your money on the OM and possibly your WW spending up to the card's limit just before she decides to move out to live with the OM?

I didn't exactly lock her out because she has a key to the dead bolt. It hasn't worked for several months and I finally got around to fixing it - and it only took 10 minutes!!!! One of those Plan A activities where I'm doing alot of the pesky stuff that I ignored in the past. The "lock out" and turn off the lights was my sending a message that I don't approve of her being out with the OM (I now call him Satan) until the wee hours of the night.


I can't tell whether the exposure has had any positive effect yet. It seemed like it has only because it seems as though everyone was supportive of me and she's losing friends, so to speak. People who used to speak openly to her seem to be avoiding her.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I've already taken away, given back, taken away, and given back. I need to ensure that the next one is taking away for good and I need to be prepared for the consequences.

From a financial perspective, this is a credit card that has a very high limit, very low interest rate, and I've had the card for 25 years, which means that keeping this account helps me maintain my high credit score. Those are the benefits I was referring to. But I do see your point. You're gonna chastise me for saying this, but I actually trust her that she won't spend the credit card like a drunken sailor. It won't be long before I take it away. It'll be simple to take it from her purse.

On that note - I "stole" her wedding ring a few days ago, and haven't heard anything yet, so i don't think she's noticed. If she asks about it, I'll reference that the wedding ring symbolizes our covenant we made 16+ years ago and leave it at that. Or, maybe I can add that I'll sell it and use the proceeds to pay my attorneys fees. That might not coincide with Plan A. I'm just having a difficult time facing her right now. Anger is setting in.

Continue to ask for their support. They are your recruits and will add small measures of help. Their advice will often time be the wrong advice but that does not matter. Show them compassion for their interest in helping you save your marriage. Let them know you are grateful and that you won’t forget their help. After all, that is how a Plan A man acts.


Bring your anger here. And your right, it does not coincide with Plan A.

Mr. G

Should I put the ring back where I found it, as if nothing happened, or hang onto it and deal with it if she ever notices?

Thanks for your comment on bringing my anger to the forum. I'll try to do that. Lots of anger building up lately. It mostly revolves around my jealousy, and I feel like she's full of crap all the time.

I "announced" that I am making dinner for 6:00 tonight and was subsequently told by all but my son that they won't be there, but WW sais she'll return for dinner. Nothing extravagant, but just another opportunity to implement more Plan A actions.

You should know better than anyone... credit cards cost money...


How much is that credit card going cost you to pay off when your wife maxes it out at $30,000.00 paying for the deposit and first months rent on her and her boyfriends new luxury apartment... then furnishing it.... and all the expensive gifts for her boy friend... the hotel rooms at Atlantic city... and the romantic cruise to Mexico... the expensive resturants...???

At 12% interest..... Alot more than $30,000...

As a wayward spouse she would have no problem ruining your credit then taking you to court and sticking you with the bill... Oh.. by the way.. pay some more money for the child support... spousal support.... alimony...

Do you own a buisness?... Yep... that's half hers too...

If you've got to spend all your income paying off credit how much would that leave to pay for lawyer fees? Great strategy for tying up your spouses assets so you can give them the knock out punch in court...

Close out the credit card... turn it off and cut it up... Then PAY IT OFF.....

http://www.daveramsey.com/

I went through Dave Ramsey's financial peace university recently. I'll be debt free except my morgage by early spring...

I paid off all my credit cards and got rid of them... You need to start building a war chest just in case you need to go to court. If you're lucky ... your WW will come back and work on the marriage.... If your somewhat lucky ... and you end up geting a divorce you won't be up to your eyballs in debt and living in a camper. If not... you're wife will have your A$$ over a barrel and sticking it too you and laughing all the way to the bank ...

OK, so my WW leaves the house every morning at about 5:10 to go to the gym (that's her normal schedule). Shortly thereafter, I decided to drive by and there were only 2 cars in the lot, and nobody apparently in the gym (you can see through the windows), which means they must have been in the locker room or something. At about 5:30, someone else showed up and as I drove by, I saw her inside, and I am fairly certain she saw me because she was looking outside, and also sent me an e-mail this morning saying, "Would you please not stalk me. Would you please stop bothering my friends - leave them alone, they didn't know anything until after you knew. Would you please stop turning off the porch light when I'm not home yet." I sent 2 replies - the first one says, "Would you please stop cheating on me", and the 2nd one said, "I'm not stalking you. Besides, why do you deserve any of these requests. May the Lord have mercy on you". FYI - I spoke to one of her friends yesterday - obviously. A very religious and Christian woman, and I know that my WW went to see her yesterday.

I have not been able to stomach looking her in the eye for at least 3 days and cannot. The anger is building. My DS14 is catching on more and more. He even pointed out to me a lie WW said yesterday.

I also got the license plate number and make of Satan's car this morning. I will try to get Satan's home address info by asking a couple friends who are cops. I will then try to expose to Satan's daughter, if they'll release that info to me. This is a good week to do it, because she should be off of school while Satan is working.

Good question, I’m not really sure. Taking the ring smacks as a love buster to me. I might be inclined to ask her if she minds if you hold the wedding ring until such time that she decides to wear it again. It may be the last piece of your marriage that you have left, you can tell her that.


Great, find out who this guy really is, any felonies, previous marriages, children, debt? With a little bit of investigation you might find out more about this guy then your wife knows. Affairs are often built on a bed of lies and omissions designed to keep the relationship clandestine, mysterious and alluring. What secretes might you surface, I don’t know?

You are obviously filled with much anger, I certainly understand it, but know that it will never serve you in restoring your marriage. Of course, you are under no obligation to restore your marriage. You already have ALL the justification you need to drop this woman like a sack of potatoes. It comes down to what she and you want to do. No matter how you cut it, it takes two to make a marriage work but only one to destroy it. But if neither are on board…

What is most disconcerting to read is the anger that is driving your interaction with your wife. Think with your head and not your broken heart. If you want to save this marriage then EVERY action you take must be directed towards that end. Your moves should be calculated and cunning and above all, with pre-determined purpose. Always try and ask yourself this question before spouting off, “What am I doing and why am I doing it?” Anger is a selfish emotion.

Please consider what I am suggesting,

Mr. G

Have you hired a PI? He could get you all this stuff in a day or two. Well worth the money, cos you're getting so mad you're about to blow all the hard work you've done.

I'm not convinced that the PI would be worth the money. Sounds like I should contact my attorney.

About the credit card thing.

Is it possible for you to contact the credit card company? Explain your situation and request a new account with them, with your name only on it.

Most companies are pleased to help out the consumer as best they can. When I had to call and remove XH from my credit cards, the woman I spoke to was actually very compassionate and explained what I was doing for the better, as XH had racked up quite the tab on MY account using HIS card. He was the supplementary cardholder on my account.

I am sure the card company would understand your stance if you explain that it would help you out financially to not have to pay for your wife to carry on an affair.

As for the ring. Keep it. It would suck if she sold it or pawned it to pay her way after you cut her off financially, which you had best do ASAP!!! No money for her. No paying her bills. Get rid of the credit cards. And, open a new bank account ASAP!

Also, do an inventory of anything in YOUR home of value. Take photos and hide them from her. If she decides to start selling stuff, and you have proof of it's existence and worth, that'll help you out a ton.

Couldn't you just have her name taken off your credit card? Keep your own card but have hers cancelled? Worst case scenario is you can report it stolen and ask for a new one (which you don't give to her of course).

Heck, most of us could stand to get in better shape than we are now.

I say it's time for you to begin a new workout regimen.

Jump in feet first! Every weekday morning sounds about right.