Wife has decided to end 11 years of marriage 16 years together three kids one is my stepdaughter. I tried to talk her into giving separation a chance. Nope not happenin!! I am in a state that does not recognize legal separation she is. We have had our ups and downs the last few years.

I want to say I think alot of it is my fault. Yes I know it does take two. I love my wife and our children!! The last few years my jobs have been going downhill. After being layed off from a mill shutdown,I have bounced from job to job getting laid off and let go from one. For awhile the pay was better or the same than it ever had been but the last 2 years the pay has gone downhill and the time between jobs has gotten longer each time. Alot of this I know IS my fault.

She was going to leave me back in august but our youngest daughter would not go with her to her mother's six states away, so wife came home next day. A month later w wants us all to move to her mothers for a fresh new start. I agree. Yes we shouldn't have but we moved without having jobs lined up ahead of time. Her mother kept telling ud there were all kinds of jobs there. Come to find out after we get there early oct. companies are shutting down factories hundreds layed off nobody hiring. I am going out every day from 8 am till 4-5 pm looking for work. Two weeks go by we get a payment from someone that owed us money and wife tells me I should use it for something other than the vehicle payment!! Almost out of the blue!!! (I had a feeling but also thought things were getting better!)

So now I have a choice move back where we came from 1200 miles away or move to my mother's 900 miles away. I moved to my mother's to be closer to the kids. I am now trying to find work that will bring me back closer to them or at least let me travel through that area once in awhile.

I am still holding on to hope that I can stop the divorce or at least somehow get us back together. I know I need to get a stable job and get on my feet first. But I can't stop wondering how, what, why, she is doing this, and what can I do to get us back together. I can't detach I can't stop hoping and trying to find something that will do the trick.

Anybody have any suggestions, advice, or questions?? I need some help here my thought are just spinning and won't slow down!!! Has anybody been in a similar situation and saved their marriage? If so how did you do it?

When your wife said to use the payment for something other than a vehicle payment, did you just assume she meant move away or did she SAY that's what the money should be used for? Either way, you've deserted your wife and family. Women NEED a sense of security. Bouncing from job to job and the result (no income) makes them loose that sense of security. Her suggestion to move to her mother's and live was a "cry out" about just how insecure she felt. You went along with it. Her thinking now, I would assume, is what value do you bring to the relationship? Why does she really "need" you? She now has a fresh start (or so she thinks) and is probably thinking how she can make it on her own. What you need to do is "step up" and be the confident MAN she fell in love with. I don't know your living situation, but if you too are back home with Mom...you need to evaluate your situation and how you can improve it for your FAMILY. You should also communicate this intention to your wife. Tell her you know and accept your part in how things have become so screwed up and YOU are man enough to fix them. Let her know that if you can get the car in the ditch, you can get it out. Find a job in a neutral town (maybe between your parents and hers). It doesn't matter if it's at Wal-Mart...get a job that you can hold down while make other improvements in your career objective. There's no guarantee all of this will work, but I've been where you are and what's most important is that you fix YOU...FIRST!

Steve thank you for the reply!

I asked her when she told me to use the money for something else if she meant to move out. She shook her head yes. Like I said I knew it was coming. When we moved to her mother's I was out everyday trying to find a job there was nothing not even wal mart. I was trying to get a job and have a fresh new start for our family.

One thing I didn't mention was a year ago I was hired by a trucking company to drive flatbed over the road. I got the truck home outfitted it with almost $400 worth of stuff. The morning I was to leave and get my first load I had an anxiety attack and couldn't leave the house to go get the load. We had been together 15 years with not more than a couple weeks apart in those 15 years. I was scared to leave my family for weeks at a time, afraid I was going to miss something important, and afraid that she would find someone that could be there all the time for her when I wouldn't be.

I have driven truck in our home state off and on for 10 years I have never been out of state or used a log book. I AM now looking at a couple companies that haul regional over the road. I am going to take the first driving job offered to me that will keep me east of the rockies and out of New York city. I am hoping to get something that will keep me somewhat local to her and the kids. I AM going to go do this in the hopes that it will regain some trust from W and show her that I have changed and I am still the man she fell in love with 16 years ago.

She just seems to be so set on getting the D done now!! I am trying to find a way to talk her into waiting just a couple months to see that I have stood up and I have changed back to the man she fell in love with!! I am hoping someone has been in a similar situation and been able to get through to their other half, and can give me some ideas or advice on how I can go about getting through to her.

Have you snooped to see whether she has had an affair, even an emotional one?

I have looked and asked questions everywhere I do not believe that she has. She has talked to her female friends about some of our problems(which I expect). But other than that I don't believe so. I talked with our oldest daughter who just spent Christmas with W.Olest is my stepdaughter she thinks of me as her father. She is 18 and in her first year of college. Asked Daughter if she thought their might be someone else she says no she doesn't think so.

Two more questions. Any ideas on how to deal with the pain and hurt if I can't find a way to work things out? I am having a difficult time waking up every morning and getting through the day without breaking down and wondering what can I do to fix this!!

Wondering I alreadytold her a couple times that I don't want this. Would it hurt to calmly state in an email that I am not giving up on our marriage I don't want a divorce I DO want to do everything I can to save the marriage?

Here it is blunt!

If she has her mind made up, it won't change and you will hurt more and more every time you do something to try to save it.

If it's you that she is leaving, find the cause and focus on fixing that! DO NOT say you are fixing it, FIX IT! Show the change by action not by mouth! NEVER use your mouth to show change!!!!!!!!!! IT DOES NOT WORK!!!

One action followed by another action!!!! That's it!!!!!!

If she does not see the changes without you mentioning it, then she is blind and again has her mind made up. If she likes the changes, she will 2nd guess her decision. If it's another man, he will lip his way around any changes she mentions that she sees.

It's a battle pal! A VERY hard battle. I lost mine. She had her mind made up and the changes I was making, she didn't WANT to see. Now, I am too good for her. I am a changed man and the next woman will appreciate that! I am glad she is "finding herself" and I hope someday she does.

I'll be praying!

Thank you for the reply Hubiscus.

I talked to her today she is pushing forward with the D. There is someone she is trying to get together with she did not tell me who and I did not ask.

As for the changes I am making them but as you said she refuses to see or admit them. I guess there is nothing I can do about that. I did tell her it doesn't matter nothing she could do will change the fact that I love her and will not give up. I will continue to make the changes and someday she will regret her decision. It might be to late by then but who knows?

I have found a job driving over the road will be going through her area once in awhile so I might be able to see the kids anyway. Right now I am trying to focus on making changes to myself and doing what I can for the kids.

I can't think of anymore that I can do. I do hope that she will see the changes and come around at some point. I don't think her mother is helping matters either. I guess I have to meet on neutral ground anytime I go there now. I don't know what she has been telling her mother nothing good as far as I can see. Nothing I can do about that either. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!

Since I made some drastic changes to my personality, I am looking at it like this and I hope that someday you can too, but that IS a ways off for you yet.

I had 3 of four qualities she wants. Handsome, handy as heck!, good job, but was missing the personality issue! Now that I have fixed that and know how to respect and love someone, i have my list too!

Christian with moral values, looks of course, non-smoker, loves kids (especially mine).

I have found that she only has one. she doesn't smoke.

She has ZERO moral values and does not believe!, she looks more like a bowl of cottage cheese than a woman, and she's a mother, but she's no MOMMY!!!!

So am I heart broken? For the kids I am yes, for my selfish self? NO WAY!!!!! SO LONG !!!! DON'T COME BACK!!!!!

I don't hate her, I just resent her for the filthy skank she is and I'll have to de-program my children for the week that I have them. They pray every night and know right from wrong. That's a plus for me AND them!

Good luck pal. But if you pray a lot and put all of this weight on God, you will be JUST FINE!!!!!

Thank you hubiscus for sticking around!! I hope that someday soon I can get to the point that you are at!! I am still thinking back a few years to the things that have led up to all this. I am starting to realize that (yes this has happened many times and I kept going back to the same old ways!) I was the one that was alway working on US. Everytime that I did that I would lose track of everything else because my EN's where not getting met. I kept pushing to try to get them but she wouldn't change anything except let me have more sex. For some reason she thought that is what it was all about. All I really wanted was to make her happy and have her be supportive of me in whatever I was doing. NEVER happened she kept putting me down saying stuff like "Do you THINK you can do that?" Instead of saying something like "Ya I know you can do it go get em if that's what you want to do." Over the years that has beat me down to the point where I don't believe I can do anything without her help!

I think I made a turning point today. I TOOK MY RING OFF!!! She told me that she took hers off the minute I left her mother's.

I do still love her. She has given me 3 beautiful children that I am very proud of! I just hope she doesn't ruin them without me being around!! I do think I would still take her back BUT there would have to be a very big long discussion about EVERYTHING first!!!!!!!

I know I still have a long uphill road ahead of me in my recovery but I am getting stronger everyday. I have always believed but never practiced any kind of religion. I guess I don't believe in the way the churches have organized religion now. To me some of their interpretation are way off and when you disagree with the church they don't take it kindly so I just do my own thing there. I have been praying everynight now and have been feeling alot better!

You should try the Lutheran Church. Very open minded.

Anyway, you are not reading enough here. There are a lot of things suggested here that you are not following. Are you wanting to fight for your marriage? If so, we can give you advice. If you're ready to walk, let us know.

Nobody here in this forum knows your EXACT situation or what your heart really wants or does not want. All we can do is give you one situation after another, make assumptions, and give advice.

You digest that, mix in your own interpretations along with your true desires and do what you see fit for your own particular interests.

Do not take any of my situation and make light out of it as if the best thing for you to do is get over it. MY best thing to do was to get over it. YOURS may not be. Fight for what you think you want, let go of what you do not want. Simple as that.

As long as you keep praying ad speaking to God with your HEART, you will fair out of this the victor! You WILL be the winner in the end! That is the only thing that I know is true for your situation. GOD+PRAYER+YOU=HAPPINESS and CLOSURE

Whatever path you choose, you have a lot of work ahead of you and with every answered prayer, comes a lot of HARD work to earn it.

God Bless!

Thank you for the replies!

Right at the moment I am not sure if I want to save the marriage(So many mixed feelings!). I would like to save it for the sake of the kids but the more I have thought about it lately the more I have realized what I believe truely has happened. Yes I do love her but she has beaten me down so bad over the last few years that sometimes I feel like I do not have the ability to acomplish anything on my own. Do I want to go back to that? I don't know. I do know that I want to make myself better,stronger, and more self confident! I have never been alone and HAD to do everything. I am scared of being on my own right now. I do have to face my fears and go on no matter what happens to the marriage!

I have the opportunity to go to work driving truck over the road in the eastern U.S. but I won't start for a couple more weeks. I AM going to go do this it should give me time to think and decide what I really want out of life. Plus it will give me a fairly good paycheck to get out of debt and in a better situation to help my kids and possibly visit them a little more frequently.

I know I have a long way to go. Right now I am still wondering if I can make it there. I think I would like to save the marriage. She has said that she has found someone that she is trying to get together with and there will NEVER be another us so I don't know if it would even be possible. I do know that she is lying to herself about how bad it was. I think she is making a BIG mistake by moving on so fast wether we try to work it out or not. Moving into another realtionship this fast is bound to fail!!

All I can do for now is continue to improve myself, help my children as much as possible, and hope she doesn't ruin their lives with the things she is doing and saying!