I think you are taking great strides!!! This is such awesome progress, compared to when you first came here and were unable to speak up at all. Leaving the party without him seems to have gotten through to him.

About not reminding him, I dunno but maybe you could've given him a warning that you were going to break with the established routine of reminding him. I agree that it isn't your job to mother him, but that sorta has been the mutually accepted division of labor. Giving him fair warning that you were going to change the rules might have given him the opportunity to write himself a note or put a reminder on his computer.

Here's an example from where I'm coming from: nowadays H gets up before me, since his commute is longer than mine and I can't go to work earlier than the kids can go to school. I am counting on him waking me up. You know it hasn't always been like that, since sometimes he hasn't been around and sometimes he hasn't been working outside the home, so I don't think I'm wrong in relying on him to wake me up. I could set my alarm, and I often do, but H is in the habit of waking me right before he leaves anyway, so I'm not very careful about setting my alarm. Now, if he started feeling resentful about waking me, I sure would appreciate him telling me before he just stopped waking me.

If you have already let him know and I just missed that, then never mind.

Over all though I think you're doing great! Please don't take my comment to mean you should revert at all.

Thanks. There was something niggling in the back of my mind, but I didn't know what it was. I was feeling sort of vindictive, but didn't know why. If I had told him ahead of time I was going to stop warning him, my conscience would have been clear. I will find a way to bring it up.

Hi cat,

I don't think you need to bring it up again. Experience is the best teacher. Now he knows. Why bring it up again? He may feel like you are rubbing his face in it.

About the incident: I would only have ommitted the "*I* remembered it". Feels a little snipey. Sometimes it's hard not to say anything when a person is looking at you with shock/expectancy, I know. Better just to let him deal with his own feelings, and you do something else in that moment.

Also, consider that what is "niggling" at you may be the discomfort of NOT being responsible for him. That will get HARDER before it gets easier.

(((Catperson)))

Cat, that "electric fence" article I read really got me thinking. Cat, what if this is an electric fence for you, one that you can work around while you're working through it? Is this conflict avaoidance? Are there tools and solutions already out there for folks who struggle with that?

What about sending him an email, like sometimes happy, sometimes hard, to share all the O&H that doesn't come easily to you in the moment? Would this be honest? "It really cheers me up so much how great we've been getting along together lately." "I am sorry that I threw in that 'I remembered it.' last night. Will you forgive me?" "I am so pruod of us that we don't play that 'In the Doghouse' game anymore. I never liked it. I am loving how we are patient and forgiving with each other now."

Thanks, telly. Will do.

ears, talking like that sounds really fake to me; we just don't do it. But he does like cards, I know that. I used to leave lovey cards in his suitcase (which I always packed) saying I missed him when he traveled (looong time ago; now I look forward to it). That would probably be a big EN enabler for him if I started doing that again.

Cat, I hear you, what you say needs to be honest for you. How do you apologize? I don't mean to assume. If you did make a DJ last night, would you want to apologize for it?

Cat, I don't remember if I told you this, but when I was in MC, she told us to every night say "I appreciated it when you...." and "I'm sorry I made a problem for you when I...." She said folks get out of the habit of this. That it didn't matter if it came out awkward, the point was to get back into the habit of expressing what we like and what we are sorry for as they happen. Would those word patterns come more naturally?

Yeah, I don't have a problem apologizing. That's why I was thinking about getting one of those sappy cards - he loves those things. It's been a good way through the years for me to say what I'm feeling without having a confrontation.

Thank you, Ears, for that awesome reminder. I needed to be reminded.

I remember when I did this, I felt more appreciated, connected and loved...because when I held myself to doing this, I heard better what my DH really said...for I had it in my head that my DH had said "sorry" once in 15 years...

which technically was true and not true at all...

he was saying it in his words, his way...and since it wasn't my way, I cut it out. I did that.

I guess one of my limits is that I can't experience from others what I do not do myself...no reflection or connection point. Up to me, thank goodness...not them.



LA

Cat,

What if an apology is not a confrontation?

I re-read your first post on this thread...about how you worked hard in your life to made yourself avoid confrontation of all kinds, even to go into a shop and be the only potential customer in there...

making yourself invisible...as if you really could and as if doing so would protect you from pain.

And you experienced pain again and again each time you did it.

Time for the pain to stop, Cat? Time to know you've been visible, have impact and influence, that you ripple in this life, on this planet, constantly?

That going into the shop could make someone's day and you won't know it...how your very presence is part of the fabric of everyone's in this life...and you have no control over how others view, act, think, believe, feel or perceive you...

so there's nothing to fear.

90% of life is showing up...and when you work so hard at invisibility, you negate yourself...and others, doing that which you feared doing the most--doing harm.

Would you consider getting a card which expressed your heart honestly, and standing in front of H and handing it to him? Not having to say the words, just acknowledge the face to face presence? Because he loved those sappy cards when away on trips because it brought your presence to him when you weren't with him?

I wonder if what the worse offense your H has really done in your marriage for decades is made you visible...thwarted you...and I don't know if you'll choose to forgive him for doing what you refused to do for yourself.

LA

LA, I hear you! It raised my awareness, that I was appreciating things that I liked that I did, that my kids did. And got me into the habit of making amends to myself right away, LOL.

A wierd thing boundary-wise, though, is that it also raised my awareness; I was letting a lot of deposits in from male coworkers. Just sayin'

Well, I didn't say that very well. Two separate things. I got him cards to show my love (or to apologize) cos I knew he loved the cards. But if I ever got the nerve to bring up something bad (and found I couldn't, of course), I ended up writing it to him, in a card, rather than speaking it. That's only happened maybe 5 times in 30 years, though, cos it doesn't work. So I don't have a problem handing him an apology card in person.

Do you have a problem apologizing to him in person without a card?

(Thank you for answering question, Cat. You're really great about that and I appreciate you.)

LA

I guess I'm missing something...

WHY are you apologizing?

Because reminding him several times was not enough for him to remember? Because you chose to let him be responsible for remembering or forgetting on the day of the appointment, though you had reminded him the night before?

Because you felt a little vindicated (read: empowered) when you didn't take responsibility for him by calling him?

I'm confused.

You don't seem to owe him an apology. I think since he wasn't upset, then all you really have to deal with are you own feelings of unease as you try to relate to him differently.

If you are looking to connect with him, I don't thin rehashing the events of last night is the way to do it--even if you're not trying to connect with him, I just don't see the point in apologizing for something that ou SHOULD be doing... and if you're apologizing for the snipey comment, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Let yourself off the hook! Feel GOOD about yoru choice to let him take care of himself!!!

Thanks, guys.

Cat, I really wasn't meaning to jump on you. Did it sound like that?

No. Why do you keep asking us that?

Cat, when I read Telly's post, I thought I better ask. Because tone is so hard to read. I don't want you to cringe when I post to you. Cat, if something I say doesn't feel relevant or appropriate, or is an "ouch" to you, would you please tell me? Then I won't keep second-guessing myself and asking. Or maybe I will, anyway

ears, I value your insight and honesty too much to ever say ouch. Seriously. You and Jayne and LA have been with me from the beginning, keeping my feet to the fire when I didn't feel like working any more. And I'm so grateful. And to everyone else who takes an interest, too. In real life, I would never ask for help like this, so it has been amazing.

ears honey,

We totally love you! Really, we do. I hate to see you worrying and being insecure with *us* of all people. Whether or not we disagree with you, I think we all care for you and value your input. I'm pretty sure I speak for cat and others.

Sometimes I'm a little short on time (ok almost always) and I don't always take the time to say things carefully. But that doesn't mean I don't like you or don't like hearing from you.

I would love to see you feel confidant and safe with us.

*hugs*

ETA: ...or maybe I misunderstood what you were saying. If so, I apologize.