Or if she tells you something very hurtful, say "stop, please, that is inappropriate."

But in your case, if it is dirt on the OM, you can DOCUMENT IT.

That is why I have set my boundaries where they are. I do not allow any sleaze talk or anything, but I do dig for and listen to dirt.

Example: OMW is a teacher, when WW and OM met up the Friday before Christmas, OMW didnt believe me because he came and brought her something at work right in the middle of the time I said to her that they were together. After a little talking and all I found out WW rode with him to his W work and he let her out beside the school and picked her back up when he left. WW said that made her feel like a hooker. I told her it should.

Considering these recent turn of events and new information ... maybe you should remind us again ... exactly why do you even want to attempt R with this WW?

Why not use this information to its greatest benefit and go directly to Plan D and seek full custody of your children? Since WW has abandoned the family, it would appear that you have the facts in your favor should you seek to actually IMPROVE your situation.

Simply because WW is not W. She is not this person. This is a person I dont know. My W was one of the sweetest people I ever knew, a great mother, caring and kind. I dont know who this is. I guess I do have to look at her like she is an alien that has been taken over my W.

There IS another possibility ... THIS IS YOUR W ... and you were too blinded by young love to recognize her for who she truly is.

I recognize that this is your life, but I'm not sure you're making the best possible decisions with the information available. Until you actually decide to take ACTION and improve your situation, then its likely that you will remain in limbo he11!!!

IF YOU ARE CORRECT, and this ISN'T who your WW really is ... then you MUST shake things up to break through to her and Plan A won't get you there, but being served with Plan D likely will ... IF ... there is anything there worth saving.

YOU MAKE THE CALL ... but what you're doing isn't working.

I would disagree. His exposures to the OMW already have the affair on the ropes and there is more to come with the upcoming workplace exposure.

Rusty, don't allow him to discourage you. You are doing just fine and there is no reason to throw in the towel yet. Just stick with your plan and stay on course.

Thanks MelodyLane.

Sorry, but I don't see it that way. The workplace exposure has occurred and NOTHING happened. All he got was a promise of appeasement from the administrator that she would "watch them" ... THAT is NOTHING.

In most of these cases, a BH gets one or two golden opportunities to actually IMPROVE their situation ... with WW abandoning the family, rs is facing one of those opportunities RIGHT NOW to gain full custody of his children, but if he reconciles with WW he will have lost that advantage.

Secondly, and equally important to any possibility of a successful R ... WW has lost ALL RESPECT for rs otherwise she wouldn't be sharing "grab-a$$" stories of OM with her BH.

You see ... from my perspective ... this is a WW who is not worthy of her BH's efforts. He would be well served to protect himself and his children FIRST before any attempts at R with WW.

Myrev, thanks for your perspective. I think you're dead wrong, as usual, but thats ok.

Hey Rusty, I see that Mortarman is posting again. Go check out his history if you want to see an amazing success story. He didn't kick his wife to curb and is now a year and a half into recovery with a new baby. Hang in there and don't let anyone discourage you. This is far from over, friend.

I guess at least we can agree that we feel the other is wrong, but that's OK.

However, I'll grant you that we'll likely get to see if your approach is successful as there is not much of a chance that rs (or any of the other weak BH's inhabiting the board at the moment) will be proactive enough to actually HELP themselves.

I probably should have kept that thought to myself, but it gets really frustrating to keep watching BH's doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I just don't understand how so many BH's operate in FEAR of making their WW's mad, when they are being shown such a level of disrespect from these women. WHY should ANY of these BH's care if their actions make their WW's mad???

No R can occur until BOTH partners are on board with R ... so how does ALLOWING a WW to rub her A in her BH's face get anyone closer to R???

MyRev, one of the reasons I have hope for this guy is because he is NOT afraid to make her mad. Everytime he has expressed a FEAR, he has moved past it and did what needed to be done. He hasn't let her anger alter his path.

Its the ones who won't do that, I worry about. His wife may be a lost cause, but if that is the case, it won't be because he allowed FEAR to dictate his path.

He has fuzzy boundaries, but he is listening to us.

Rusty - I will be reading along, but this is all just too much for me. My dad died a year ago, and I took off work for 3 months to try to keep him at home. He spent the last 4 days of his life in a Christian nursing home, because at home he would get up in the middle of the night and kept falling.

We checked out all the nursing homes to find the best one, and the cost was $9,000. a month, or $300. a day.

For that amount of money, I never DREAMED that the care providers might be rutting like pigs in his room. And in your wife's case, I hold the home responsible.

They suspect that something is wrong, and it is incumbent on them to PROTECT their residents, with a nanny cam, or whatever is necessary.

So I will bow out on posting until they DO something.

RS, since you won't force the issue with your wife, and your wife's work won't force the issue, why don't you go to the state authority that oversees nursing homes in your state? Call or visit them and tell them what is going on in this particular nursing home. They will investigate.

Rusty, what EXACTLY has happened in the room? And is this a nursing home? My sister is the CFO of a chain of nursing homes and I want to ask her what she thinks. But first I want to make sure I have the facts straight.

Rusty,

Melody is right! Your WW is not much different than what my wife was in the middle of the mess.

Ask yourself this question: how valuable is Rusty's wife? Is the wife of Rusty worth him doing everything possible to try to help save her and the Rusty family? You see, value is decided by what a person is willing to pay for something (or someone).

So, how valuable should the wife of Rusty be? Please understand that I am NOT talking about your WW. And I am not necessarily talking about your current wife. i am talking about the abstract.

It's like the Secret Service. It doesnt matter WHO the president is...they get the same protection no matter who occupies the role. They are protecting the president, not the person!

So, you must decide what your wife, no matter who that is, is worth? And then pay that price for that person, no matter who is in that role.

You have been given the advice by some on here to go straight from Plan A to Plan D. Do you know what a divorce instigated by the BS will get you? Divorced! It has nothing to do with the marriage. You see, there is a fact that no one can deny here...and that is that right now, there is only ONE person that values the marriage. And as long as there is one in the marriage that is valuing it and holding down the fort, then the marriage has a chance. When you begin to agree with her that the marriage is over, then the marriage has no one defending it...and it ends!

Never file for divorce nor threaten divorce until you are ready to divorce. And when you go there, then you are ready to move on. Do not start or participate in a divorce until YOU are ready!

Now, I do agree you must defend yourself, your marriage and your kids, even from your WW. So, you are free to seek full custody. You are free to keep the affair away from your home. You are free to try to keep the affair away from your children. And so on.

But, NEVER threaten divorce! When you decide, just do it.

Check out my posts since things started for me in 2002. I went thru over 4 years of he!!. We had two false recoveries. The Troll (OM) thought I would give in (because he used to be a BS and he gave up and lost his wife and kids to the OM). But I didnt. And the Troll is gone for over two years now. We have a 15 month old boy to add to the family. We are happy. The WW is finally gone. And my wife returned.

No guarantees. She may not come back. But you should ALWAYS treat your wife as your wife should be treated. If you do that, and she still leaves...then you will be ready for someone new to come along.

Remember the process. Plan A...then Plan B...then Plan D. Dont circumvent it. Your situation is not unique!

Mel, it is a nursing home and she has told me of occasional inappropriate touching that he has done to her on 3 occasions. He does it in the rooms where the patients are so far gone that they do not know what is going on. No sex or anything like that, just inappropriate touching that he has done to her.

Mortarman, I am so glad you decided to post in my thread.

My W (not necessarily this one and not the WW) is worth everything. I am willing to do whatever I can for her in her best interest and the best interest of my family that I am willing to sacrafice what I need and want to get it done. I will help her when she will not even help herself. But I will not sacrafice anyone else for her, they are not mine to do that with. I will not sacrafice my children because I am their father, not their owner. I am willing to give everything I have for my family. The person who holds the office of my W deserves whatever I am capable of giving even if I need God's help to give it. I dont know if that makes any sense or not, but thats the way I see it.

Your posts make me see the real face of courage and love, love that I can only hope I am capable of.

Rusty, I want that for you, too. But I see you confusing doormat for Plan A. Human nature guarantees that, if you don't protect your self-respect, she will have no reason to give you any respect. Do you see that? IMO, the best way for you to get her to want to come back to you is for you to show her in no uncertain terms just how horribly she is affecting you. You have every right to be indignant and angry and upset at what she is doing. At the same time as giving her a good Plan A.

Your boundaries are the issue here. What exactly are they? How about writing them down here so we can see if we can help you focus on them and more clearly designate them so she'll understand. I see you getting more and more upset as you grit your teeth; that's because you are not allowing yourself any self-respect. I don't see any other thread here where the BS lets the WS just sit down and go through her day of waywardness, IN DETAIL! It just isn't right.

But as long as you tell her it's right by not standing up for your own decency, she has no reason to care about you. You're nothing more than a BFF to her right now. Why should she EVER want to change the situation? She has the best of everything now - a BFF, a financial provider, freedom, fun with OM, no responsibilities, and NO GUILT! Kick the A talk out the door, please!

Mortarman, thanks so much for posting to Rusty! I have to tell you, though, that Rusty is not really his name. He tricked me!

Rusty, is the OM a doctor or nurse?