Queenie,

Where are you?? We miss you girlfriend.

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... THIS IS A QUEENIE ALERT... QUEENIE ALERT... THIS IS A BOLO/APB FOR ONE MISSING QUEENIE... PLEASE REPORT ANY SIGHTINGS IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR NEAREST MB POSTER... NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM...

Queenie, we miss ya girl. Get back here!

Hi Holy, Happy New Year and nice to meet you. Please feel free to always thread jack. I love talking to other people about THEIR life…. Let me see if I can answer you in a way that’s helpful.

A started somewhere May 06, D-day May 07, I plan A’d almost from the beginning without realizing that I was doing it. I signed on MB 6-16-07. I didn’t have any mentors at that time and will wonder if I lost ground because WH was somewhat cake eating at that point. Information about OW started to get divulged, like she was a heroin addict, crack addict, etc. There was one point in 8-07 when we took a family trip to CA for a wedding and that following week he told me he was coming home, because she had gone out and used and was gone over night. But they went to a funeral of the person they lived with and in the end he told me I helped him decide and he wanted more than to be married to his best friend.

I would have to say I Plan A’d from D-day until March 16, 08. In October 07, I plan B’d him, but Mimi took me under her wings, explained that I didn’t set up a Plan B good enough and we strategize to begin Plan A again only much more aggressive. G-d it was so hard, but I did it and to toot my own horn… I did a great Plan A…. under the circumstances, it was created, fun, original, and daring. Not my fault he was too stupid to figure out I was the better option.

I served WH with legal separation papers on 3-14-08 and then on 3-17-08 I delivered my Plan B letter and told WH I was setting him free. It was the last time I talk to him, looked him in the eye, held him in my arms and just hugged him. For one split second, he hugged me back. And then I walked out of his life and into darkness and stay there today.

There have been no false recoveries, he never moved back home and I was pushed to move from my home for financial reasons. He has not filed for D, I have done everything. After almost 30 years he simply walked away and has built a new life without so much as a look back. Not even his kids.

I can’t say if your sitch is typical or not. From what I have read, the back and forth is absolutely a common theme. Mine isn’t - figures……I’m sorry you find yourself here. I hear it often said, it’s the best club you never want to belong to. I’ll be in touch….. Be good to yourself… and ask away if you have any questions.

Hi Luna,

I can do this. I couldn't do anything before the new year as you all might or might not remember my A was involved in a car accident as well as having a stroke. He should be back to work soon.

Happy New Year, well the anniversary came and went as did the bridal faire. It's been a horribly long vacation and I'm so glad to be back at work. I injured my neck and have been nursing it the last few days. The wedding faire I am involved in, takes a tremendous toll on me physically and emotionally and I just have been coming home and falling asleep.

It feels so nice to be missed. I haven't been to an AA meeting since last Saturday and need to get there tonight. I'm in a bad place and that's the best medicine for me. :twobyfour: I'm learning that when the self-pity takes over... a good dose that I'm not so special is what helps.

Hi Mark, Chai, Cinderella, PM, I missed you guys so much. I get that standing up for myself is one of the best ways for me to learn to love myself. I can promise you I am asking G-d for the strength to do this. But I could use your prayers right now on that one.

I'll call the A tomorrow and see what kinds of information I can get and go from there.

Thanks for taking the time to update me, Queenie, and for the nice welcome. You sound like an amazing woman. We will definitely be friends here.

Hope you are feeling better.

Yay, Queenie! -- good to see you; we were getting worried, girl.

You sound good...long time off but maybe good for head rest?

Anyway, welcome back!!

- M

What's up?

Hi Queenie,

Just checking out your thread. Nice to have some news from you. You sound good.

Queenie,

I see you posting to other folks all over the place but you seem to be avoiding your own thread. Wazup wit dat?

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

Mark

Shabbat Shalom Mark and hi to everyone else,

Very astute notation Mark, I actually have been avoiding life and stuffing in so many ways.

I finally have gone back to my AA meetings on a more regular basis and sat down and spoke with my sponsor for 3 hours today. We cleared up some stuff and she is really pushing me hard that WH isn't going to come home.

Why would I want who he has become? It's interesting, for so long I bought into the fact that I believed that if the A ended he would become the good man that I love so dearly. But really, who the heck am I kidding. He isn't coming home. He walked away and is just done.

Like Chai, did I ever really even know my H. Or am I just a stupid pathetic woman who has such a low self-esteem that she would desparately hang on to a man that clearly prefers a crack addict to her.

My ego, still hurt. But I seem to be more willing to face the inevitable and take steps to begin the D process. I don't want this, I wish I knew the end, but I don't and no one supports the possibility that he could end his A and just walk away and not give one look. Chai, I am so with you, I don't understand after all these years, did we just not mean anything to them. Was our lives comepletely lies? What a fricking loser I must be to hold on to a loser to prefers white trash than a family of love.

So, what does that mean. I'm looking into online divorces, making a list of what is still between WH and myself and seeing if I can just get it over with.

I read the stories of marriages who have recovered only to see A happen again and I'm disheartened. I read stories of WH who when in Plan B, try to play their games and stay involved. Not the monster in my life. He is gone, gone as my best friend, my H, the father of my children and any other link in my old life.

I'm embarrassed that after all this time I still have these moments, but the reality is I'm stuffing, I'm back to avoiding and I'm gaining weight and I don't want to live like this.

Oh, Queenie:
It pains me to hear you speak of yourself this way. But, I confess, I do the same. How can our WH leave us amazing women for OW who lack character, morals, whatever... These are not good women. Women who are willing to hurt other women. How dare they?

And they don't just hurt us. They hurt our children. They hurt our extended families and friends. But most of all, they hurt our WH's by turning them away from God and what really matters in life -- family.

I know, I know. Our WHs are to blame. But these OW -- they tempt and they taunt. And many of them are mothers themselves. What kind of a mother does this?

We are not to blame, Queenie. Perhaps we (gasp!) focused more on kids and family then spoiling our H's. How could we? But did our H's speak up and ask for more attention? Hardly. We were suppose to be partners in this arrangement. We were suppose to focus on our family instead of selfishly on each other or ourselves. We were comfortable with each other. We were not suppose to stray from each other in THAT way. We trusted each other like old married couples are suppose to do!

Queenie -- we did know our H's before the A. They were our partners in love and life. We knew them for years and years. Like you, my H and I were high school sweethearts -- together for 30 years.

But today, he is a stranger. And not just a stranger to me but to our kids and his own parents. He is not my H. He is not the amazing dad he used to be. He has sacrificed everything for a life planned out by the devil himself. Pretty scary!

We need to hold our heads high, Queenie. We have fought and will continue to fight for M and family, for loyalty and faithfulness, for respect and honor, and for true love. And, ultimatley, we may lose the M and our Hs. But could we NOT have done what we did? Could we NOT have tried and tried? We're not like that. You and me and others are just those kind of people who believe in what is right. We had to go the distance. We had to try everything. We were unwilling to just walk away when we found out about the A. I think the harder the try to save the M, the deeper the love for H.

Yep, you've been at it longer than me. I've been fighting for a year now. Heard yesterday from FIL that WH is getting ready to file. And he and the kids are at war via text messaging. I'm no longer the buffer (since I'm in Plan B), so kids are letting him have it both barrels. He doesn't like it -- demanding they treat him with respect. Can you believe it? Says there will be repercussions for their actions. Like what, I want to ask. But I stay silent. It's between him and them at this point. They are venting in a big way. And this is their only way to vent to him since he's been gone 2 weeks and hasn't even visited them.

So, Queenie -- let's keep the faith. Miracles do happen.

Holyheart,

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. This is just exactly what I needed. I'm so sorry you are struggling, but I'm so glad you are in my life. I sense a strength in you that I don't have yet, but I promise I am working hard.

Like I told my sponsor today, all I have is my TRUST in G-d that I can survive this, and be ok with however the outcome is to be.

In numbers, Holyheart, keeping the faith seems so much easier. Thank you....

I hope to get to know you better and walk through life with you

Right back at ya, Queenie. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Queenie, I don't know. I really wonder. WH used to work with a distant relative of my dad's, and she called me recently to find out how my mom was. I hadn't spoken to her in many years, but when she asked about WH, I told her what happened and she said she was truly shocked. She said that when she worked with him she never observed anything that would cause her to think he would do something like this. Was she truthful? Who knows.
Maybe they (WHs) just changed. Kind of like a male menopause thing.

It does feel like your whole life was a lie, doesn't it? I feel that way too. I think we meant something to them, but that whole romantic love thing with the OP drowns out any feelings they have for us so they think that they don't love us anymore. The brain chemicals working overtime make them feel giddy, and they are convinced it will last. We all know how those things wear off though, and in time they will be back in the same situation they once had with us. Only then, they will have many more complicating factors to deal with.

Queenie, you aren't the loser. Neither am I - our WH's are the losers. I was down on myself for a while because when I heard that WH's A ended, I couldn't understand why he didn't come back. I felt like he was sending the message that having nothing was better than having me. But honestly, I think he can't face me. Maybe that isn't it. Maybe he just doesn't love me. I don't think it has anything to do with me being a loser or not. He just isn't happy with me. And you know what? I'm not sure I would be happy with him anymore either.




We will have these moments for the rest of our lives I think. I don't think you ever get over this, truly. In time though, they will become less and less.





[/quote]

I agree with Chai on all points.

But I think our WH's personalities changed due to MLC.

A woman who my WH worked with for years was shocked to hear of my circumstances. Shocked because she said that WH always looked down on guys who messed around behind their S's backs. His favorite saying was "cheaper to keep her" and "Why would anyone want a girlfriend and a wife? Who would want to deal with more than one woman at a time?"

Fast forward to today and his new sayings are: "You never know until you're in that situation." "I'll never judge anyone ever again." "Everyone married is miserable." "Everyone cheats on their spouse. They're just hypocrites and stay married."

So I guess he wants to do the "honorable" thing. D me, disown the kids, and marry OW. What a guy!!

One of these days I'll tell you my theory on male mental-pause.

:MrEEk: LOL, Mine, who actually told me that he liked having his wife and GF at the same time!

I WAS SHOCKED OF COURSE!

Of course, I can joke about it now! It's POWS! Piece of wayward Sh)))!!!! LOL

I had more to say but I should be in bed right now...will have to sleep on it and get back!

Queen, I'm so proud of you! It's hard facing the things that we have faced and you ARE facing them head on...right now...this moment...you're tirning over a new leaf...WOW, huh? Look how amazing you are, the growth..

It's not the end, it's a new beginning!

Cinderella, I think we would LOVE to hear about your thoughts on MLC and males...

It's funny, I think I have caught a glimpse of understanding why Plan B isn't as dark as it should be. I keep wondering about the what if's, wanting answers to something that I simply may never get and it's DRIVING ME INSANE. Literally, it's driving me insane. It's consuming my thoughts.

That's how my life is unmanageable.

I'm smarter than this... I'm a survivor and yet I continually allow this piece of crap WH influence my LIFE in everyway inmagineable. Over and over again I allow myself to become this stupid victim where I grip about my circumstances and I should know better. I should be grateful for what I do have.

Let's see.... magnificent relationships with ALL THREE OF MY CHILDREN... my health, albeit a lot heavier...., a job, a roof over my head, my sobriety, friends who love me, and most of all a intimate loving relationship with my G-d.

What does piece of crap WH have.... no relationship with any of HIS childen, a possibility of contracting hepatitis c because he's too stupid to protect himself, a dry drunk as deep as anyone can tell, no friends who want to have anything to do with him, and NO relationship with G-d.

Like Mark reminds me over and over again, I need to stop whining about what I DON'T have and be GRATEFUL for what I do have.

My sponsor made the weirdest comment to me, she said when we packed up all the books in my house, clearly you could see that I was the one to always do everything in my M. I tried fixing it by reading all those books, I did the bills, I did the taxes, I did the almost everything. He did the children and played with them along with his sports.

So why would I think that he would file for D. I did EVERYTHING in our M except walk away from it when I was SO UNHAPPY... I kept TRYING because I believe in the covenant and belief that we would work it out somehow, someway. I kept blaming myself. And here that piece of crap WH still holds his power because I am STILL punishing myself.

So I need input, maybe James if you are reading this because you just went through it, I want to somehow walk into court the most absolute prepared that I can be to show the judge exactly why I deserver EVERYTHING.... Well at least as MUCH as possible.

I am trying to face this head on. I'm not truly prepared or ready for the D, but I wasn't ready for Plan B and I seem to be doing ok. What I don't "get" is WH continually does stuff to LB and yet I keep hanging in there and my stupid love keeps growing. It just simply makes me want to

Oh, here is the latest email that my younger son just showed me that he emailed his dad last week.....

you just lost any hope of getting to be my dad again.
you dont try to talk to me for over two months. thats it your done your dead to me and i never want to see
or talk to you again. dont ever come to my lacrosse games dont even ask i will just say no. you just lost the last child you had. the other ones already hat you and SO do I!! I really wish my kids would have taken after me in spelling and not HIM...

Now WH did call the house last Saturday, didn't leave a message and I told YS that he called. Then WH called the apt yesterday and AGAIN didn't leave a message.. WTF!!!!!! But I cleared my conscience and told YS that he called.

So, as Queenie learns to go to another level of loving herself and moving forward with Plan D, how do I start collecting information. What do I need to concentrate on, what's going to have the most impact on the judge.

Oh, and one more tattling on myself. I have gained 50 lbs. I'm avoiding going into court because WH will see that I gained back most of my weight. In the back of my head I guess I really lost it for him AGAIN and when it didn't WORK THIS TIME EITHER.... I just started sabotaging until here I am embarrased again that I am FAT... :twobyfour:

Hey Rin,

I'm working hard girl to push through this and come out on top. I really am. It's just so unnatural....

You know Chai, I need to apolgize to you. I remember so many phone calls when you cried over the pain and I kept saying trust G-d, he has a better plan. But the truth is, I didn't listen to you. I didn't hear YOUR pain and I'm so sorry. I fortunately get to understand YOUR pain better now and I just have nothing but the ABSOLUTE MOST RESPECT for you and how you have walked through this.

You are an amazing GODDESS......

Queenie:

I don't like what I'm hearing...

Are you into a FOOD ADDICTION?