My story is posted as "New BS -Please help", but I'll give a real brief background. Married 16+ years with 2 children ages 14+ and almost 13. D-day was 11/23/08 and my WW is absolutely convinced that there is no hope for this M and doesn't even want to try. Now, this could be all the psychobabble coming out of the wayward's mouth, too. My guilt in this M lies simply in that I was complacent and didn't satisfy her ENs. Now, she seems to spend all her free time with the OM and it's driving me crazy. She said she filed D papers a week or so ago. She has no job, but will be starting this Friday on 1/2. For the past 15 years, I have provided nearly 100% of the family support, so now she's living the easy life. We have virtually no assets and our cost of living now exceeds my income due to the current economic environment. I've run ALL the finances our entire marriage.

I do have a question that hopefully someone can answer. Her car is titled in my name. It's not an expensive car. It's a 2000 Taurus wagon with 100K+ miles, so its value is probably only about $4 - $5K. If I intend to cut her off from all financial support as soon as she receives her first pay check, I may do the same with her car insurance. I don't want that car in my name if anything happens. I don't want the liability. Should I transfer the title over to her?

Go ahead, if you don't want the car.

I wouldn't have waited for her to receive her first check before cutting her off.

**edit**

I have already told her to get the **edit** out, but she has claimed that she has nowhere to go. Also, I suspect her attorney has guided her to stay in the house, because she's already made comments about not wanting to abandon the kids (for legal reasons) and that I am also financially responsible for her. If I completely cut her off, I think I put an end to any possible reconciliation. But that may be a pipe dream, anyway, the way she seems to act.

You can always sell the car since it is in your name. It will, however, be a MAJOR LB. OTOH, you can say you need the money to pay your current debts due to the economy and save money on insurance.

Don't be so convinced that cutting her off completely will eliminate any chance of reconcilliation. Yes, it will make her angry. Furious even. But it will also give her a dose of reality. When OM can't fulfill the role you have done all your married life, she will begin to wake up.

Seriously, Scared, she's acting SO typically wayward. You cannot possibly imagine how insane your WW's ideals are right now. She probably thinks that once you get used to the idea of her and OM together, you will happily continue to finance the both of them. Honestly, the closest my WstbxH ever came to violence was when I openned my own bank account and had my pay deposited in it instead of the joint. It turned out that he expected me to give him the house and his truck, keep paying for both AND keep depositing my pay into his account. This is how seriously deranged waywards are. I almost wish his truck had been in my name so I could sell it from under him - looking at things now in retrospect.

My WH left me alone in our home to go live with OW. After having known her less than a month, he left! He had spent only four evenings with her that I know of. He was always home with me!!!

When he left, I packed up house and out EVERYTHING in storage. He was furious!

His payback was to cut me off financially. He opened a new bank account and lied about it saying he "could not understand why his pay was not in our bank account. He was going to talk to the secretary about it." This was AFTER he had spent all of MY paycheck!!!

He had his lawyer send me a nice little letter stating what he wanted from the storage unit, and if I could please get it to him asap. Of course, he wanted things that were of value; television, surround sound, vehicle, my engagement ring.

He did not get any of them. I REFUSED to transfer the truck to his name. And, when I got too demanding with his payment of insurance every month, he returned the truck to me.

Here I was with two vehicles and only able to drive one.

I sold the truck to pay bills (which XH left me with a lot of) In total, my debts were at 40 grand, and we owned nothing to show for it. No home, only two cars and a bunch of stuff. XH would spend money like mad, and nothing I did would stop him.

In the end, I had to file for bankruptcy thanks to XH. When he decided to stop paying HIS bills, they came after me. Apparently, I had co-signed on a credit card, that I thought we had closed the account years earlier. Surprise on me is with a simple phone call, he re-opened the account (years before) and I never knew about it. It was maxed.

Get her off your credit cards! NOW! I beg you to not end up where I am. I had to file, start all over again, and am unable to buy a home for another two or three years.

Funny thing is since XH is out of the picture, I have money in the bank, money saved in GIC's, and my savings account is building nicely.

I wonder why?

Liability is usually on the driver, not the owner of the car. But, your insurance likely covers those whom you give permission to drive the car (especially if she is listed as a driver). You may consider cancelling the insurance, and letting her know if she wants to drive it, she needs to get her own insurance.

Also, since its only a month or so since d-day, I wouldn't put too much credance at this point into her assertion that "it's over". My WW did the same just about a month after d-day, but several weeks later said she would think about it (especially when her lawyer confirmed that the house (heavily mortaged) she wanted to continue to live in would likely have to be sold as part of the divorce settlement, leaving her esentially homeless). The infatuation she was in subsequently ran its course and burned out (~5 months after dday), and she's been NC since. So, I'd look at a change in insurance rather than a change in title, which may be more difficult to undo if she changes her mind.

When the Wookie was waynerd and decided that he needed to leave, I cut him off the insurance and the titles of the vehicles.

You play, you must pay - and that includes carrying your own weight and responsibilities.

His response, "I didn't think you'd do this so soon!"

Um, okay...you can fool around with the town bike, but I still help you with the bills?

Not in this lifetime or any other.

You're either in 100% or you are OUT.

Ms. Manners,

Sounds like you didn't have any children. That complicates matters here so I don't see much as to how our situations are that similar. My WW won't leave because I think she's been guided by her attorney to squat, rather than "abandon" the kids. She claims she has no money to be able to move into an apartment, including payment of 1st and last month's rent. She's planning on taking both kids, but I suspect that my son may want to stay. She's not figuring on that, I'm sure.

I don't see any downside to turning title over to her because the assets would get divided, anyway, right? I "stole" the wedding ring a few days ago, and I don't think she's noticed yet. If / when she does, I'll just say that it was a symbol of our covenant from 16 years ago.

Dealan-De,

Are you still married?

What does having children have to do with it?

Do not finance her affair. End of story. If your children NEED anything, you go out and buy it for them. I did not tell you that she has to move out, but I did tell you to stop letting her have the extras. Stop paying for that forsaken membership. Don't pay for her to drive the vehicle. She wants insurance, she can get a job that starts earlier or hoof it till her job starts.

You may see it as being "mean" but it is putting a dent in her fantasy world.

Owners will be held liable as well.

It's not worth the risk, change the title or sell the car.

I agree.

She'll likely get child support in a D, anyway.

Maybe you'll get lucky, and by cutting her off you'll show the world (and a judge) that she can't hack parenting financially OR as a decent human being.

You just might get full custody, if you can make her look bad enough. You should pray that she's eating out of dumpsters before the divorce proceedings.

Yeppers.

Exactly.

Same here MM. Funny how he insisted it was my spending habits and lack of money management skills was the reason that he wanted out and now that he's out, I have more money than ever and he's under a mountain of debt. I'm taking Carribean vacations and he's begging people to share the cost of cheap Christmas gifts with him because he doesn't even have room on his credit card.

Ahhh - the SAHM WW who decides to stray and wants BS to support her. If the OM was kicked out of his house, she probably wants you to support him too. Learning from my mistakes post D-Day, here's what I would suggest:

1. If she wants to be with OM, tell her to move out and have him support her.

2. If she wants the Taurus, look up the Blue Book Value and tell her to pony up half of it to buy you out and it's hers.

3. Kids stay with you in the maritial home. If she wants to visit, that's fine as long as it is every other weekend and Wednesday night.

4. Oh yeah, once she moves out and you have the kids, file for child support.

From reading the forums, WW tend to live in the fantasy world much more than WH's. Cutting her off will give her a dose of reality.

The car is yours.

Take the car from WW. A BH should never ever finance a WW's PA. Cancel the insurance and sell the car for full price. Then use the money to pay off bills.

When WW complains, calmly tell her it is your property, and being that she is having SF with the OM let him provide her with a car.

Most likely the WW will not get this need met by the OM. You should use every opportunity that you can to have the OM fail at meeting your WW's needs.

She won't move out and in with the OM, because she recognizes that would be abandoning the kids. She is aiming for custody, and that would kill her case.

Here's an approach. Since the car is in your name, sell it immediately for as close to the Blue Book value as possible. Then give her half of the Blue Book value (even if that means you get less).

Here's what it does: first, it keeps you out of trouble because you gave her half of the stated value. Thus, she was not cheated out of her assets. Secon,d it gets the car off your insurance, and saves you money. Third, a few more bucks in your pocket right now. Fourth, when you do go to court, the judge will likely adjust the amount based on what you actually sold the car for, so you can get back what you should have had.

And finally? Well, she is on her own and having to get her own vehicle. Giving it to her and waiting for the court to pay out the money to you only helps her. If the car is worth $4000, and yo usell it and give her $2000, what is she going to do with that? What is she going to buy with that? Certainly not any car that will work for long!

I was paying the bills, as you have been, when my wife entered the affair. The Ford Expedition was in her name, but I paid the bills (because she was a SAHM). What did I do? When she wouldnt stop the affair and she left me and the kids, I stopped paying the bill...and three months later, it was repossessed. A month later, she had to go to bankruptsy!!

Sell the car immediately. You can tell the court that you needed your half of the money to help pay bills that your wife was refusing to help out with, because she was out on her own.

I can't really do that because she will need the car to go to work that starts this Friday. This would really set her off. But, by the sound of it, I shouldn't transfer the title. I'm getting mixed messages from the forum.