I don't know if any of you will remember me or my story but it's been a heck of a roller coaster ride this past year. My DH started an EA last December with his secretary when I was 6 months pregnant. They started as friends (of course) and things really picked up between them in the spring when I had the baby. DH told me he was thinking of getting a divorce in July. I had no idea that he was having an A but I instictively started Plan A. D Day was our 4 year anniversary, September 16th. I had found MB by then - which is what helped me discover his A. I bought all the books, read them and made H read them. We did phone counseling with Jennifer. DH didn't want to hear it though and stopped the counseling. I followed Plan A to the letter including exposure. I exposed to EVERYONE. Spouses, bosses, friends, family. There isn't anyone DH comes in contact with that didn't know. I continued with Jennifer until I got pregnant. I thought things would be better then but they were even worse. My DH was NOT happy about the baby in the slightest. We lost the baby in November. I thought that might bring us together but it didn't. I had been doing plan A all that time. I know I shouldn't have but I just didn't have the strength to do plan B. When I lost the baby I had sort of a break down. I ended up taking a leave from work and going on anti depressants and seeing a great new counselor - who was actually a Bowen Method Marriage and Family counselor. She is totally pro marriage and amazing. I finally dragged DH with me against his will and I think a lightbulb went off. He really liked her and I think she finally got through to him.

He had stopped working in the same office as OW and he had been speaking with her less and less but he was still on the fence with one foot out the door and even though he was better I was still seeing the "alien" whenever I brought up our relationship or the OW. Finally, the Sunday before Christmas I lost it. OW had contacted him on his cell for the first time in months because she had gone to the hospital with chest pains. The good news is that DH confessed before I found out. I was so upset that I couldn't stop crying and I threw him out, although he refused to leave. He must have realized that I was dead serious. Heck, if I could throw him out four days before our baby's first Christmas I must have been serious! And also the six months of positive changes I made were finally getting through to him. He had finally learned to trust that I meant what I said about changing and being a better person with or without him. He fessed up and told me everything, even about how they stayed in contact via e-mail which I would have never known. Apparently he doesn't have a secret e-mail account - he has access to her account. She writes a draft e-mail to him and saves it in her account and then he checks her account periodically and reads her drafts then writes his own messages over them. Clever huh? In any case he has vowed never to do that again. He said it's just not worth it. In fact he has not been on his laptop for two weeks. He is the DH that I knew before the A. I am no longer living with an alien. Last night he said that he has decided he no longer wants to get a divorce and he realizes that he has to have absolutely no contact with her in order to keep me. We will be sending her a no contact letter today. He said that he is committed to staying in the marriage with me and figuring out what he needs to do to be happy so that he never cheats again, including getting therapy (which he was vehemently opposed to before). He has continued to go to counseling with me and things have really been getting better and better the last month. We have another appointment Jan. 5th. He is upfront and honest. He checks in with me constantly. We spend all of our time together and have really enjoyed our holidays and playing with the baby. He helps out around the house and is very thoughtful. Having a drink waiting when I get home, warming my car up for me in the morning, running out to get diapers and formula without being asked, etc. He is a lot more affectionate and loving. We kiss constantly and make love often. We play games together and watch movies and go out and cook together.

It's been six long months of plan A. It's not the right way to go about things and I don't advise it. Everyone told me to give up and go to plan B months ago. But I just couldn't. I just knew that with God's help I would find a way. And I finally did it. I finally got him back. I got my Christmas miracle. And I learned so much about myself. I am constantly working to be a better person and a better Christian. I know we still have a lot of hard work ahead of us - and for the rest of our lives. But I am committed to staying the course and making sure that DH gets the help that he needs so that he can be a better person too.

God is truly great and works in mysterious yet amazing ways. I wish you all a very happy 2009. I hope you all have a year of peace and joy and an end to the pain you are suffering.

God Bless you!

That is a wonderful story and gives me hope! Way to hang in there and stick with Plan A! I only hope that a year from now I can write a similar post...although the OM has stopped contact at this point I'm still weary...

I think this is a first. Clever yes. Has he given you the password to that account?

It is still early, yanno? I would still continue to snoop until you are 100% positive there is no contact. I'd hate to see you in a false recovery.

Congratulations though, it sounds like he's really coming around.

All I know is if I ever become a cheater and get caught, I hope my wife uses plan A on me.

Cheating AND getting plan A'd by the spouse? That's gotta be quite a rush for a narcissist.

Really? What would you call this...


I would say you weren't willing to do a plan B, but after you got fed up, you blew up into Plan B. Probably the shortest Plan B ever, but you scared him back to reality. Good for you!

Thank you for your update, LH...

A really great post.

Do you mean that you didn't think Plan B was about making your marriage work? Because you did a plan FU (no, not in the literature) which Dr. Harley says will happen if you don't Plan B.

What you did is you came to your hard and fast boundary...and you enforced it...not Plan B, no way back, and had your WH taken you up on your request that he leave, you might not be where you are right now...and that's good, too. Contact continues the A...and Plan B isn't about ending your marriage; it's about ending the A.

And saving yourself from a plan FU outburst.

However, like you, I believe God works. He works in your marriage, your heart, your life...and in your WH's.

The continued contact was continuing his A, so treat this as your second DDay...when he really went no contact...instead of pretend. And that's a new way I hadn't thought of to get around, traceless contact...and for you to accept.

I'm glad he told you about it...and talk about possibly verifying...in this way...you have the password to her email, too...to check saved drafts. No secrets between spouses...take it the distance...his job to act transparently, yours to verify.

There will be withdrawal...will come after true NC...and it may be hard...remember OW is a fantasy...you're reality...and mostly the urge to continue a routine is there, not real feelings...and mourning the fantasy feelings.

Please hold to the way back into the marriage boundaries...NC, counseling, following the four rules of marriage...and continue to thrive. Your personal recovery is well underway...you might become a little impatient with his beginning personal recovery...or his progress with marital recovery, at times...know there are two recoveries going on different time lines.

Also, like you said "nearly against his will" isn't real...we have no control and you recognized that WH wouldn't have chosen to go to counseling against his will...he chose to go. He chooses to stay. He chose not to leave. And you can offer--only he can choose.

Same with God...always offering...be sure to receive.

Lastly, understand for yourself that your WH choosing NC and sticking to it isn't choosing you over her...it's him choosing his marriage over an outsider. It's a new healthy boundary to HELP himself to stay focused and true...just as he wants to be...an aid, not a "I do it so I don't lose you" which is real...only further, lose The Marriage.

For then he can honor The Marriage, even when he doesn't feel like honoring you (in those moments of resentment, entitlement, lack of respect). There's the difference...part of how not to do what he did...and that's his personal recovery...yes, it guards and honors you, too. For you never stopped being an ally of The Marriage...he did.

LA

Just something to think about, it may be illegal for her to have the password to the OW's e-mail without consent. Remember the whole Sarah Palin hacked e-mail account thing? Invasion of privacy, etc, etc.

Me personally, I'd have FWH change the password to the OW's e-mail account to something random, have him punch in a random series of numbers and letters he won't remember in a few hours. Then he won't have access to the account to communicate with OW again and it will cause the OW a bit of grief as well.

I love your idea, TC...and good advice on legality.

I don't think it would hold up in court, though, as giving out your password to email, hence permission, doesn't control who they give that info out to, either. Seems they used it as a joint email, if you wanted to press it that far...wasn't private.

Still like your solution...cutting her off from that email account entirely.



Talk about over. All over.

Reminds me...maybe, LH, a keylogger on his laptop would help rebuild your trust...where he knows it emails reports to you directly?

Lying is like a weight that builds, weighs down...he may actually experience moments of euphoria from coming clean..feeling free, finally. Doesn't mean the urge to contact, hide, not hurt you (when it's the contact that hurts you, not the knowing part) will come back...find some tools to help him stay true to his desire for the marriage...which helps you both...my FWH said this helped him--to know when he wanted to contact I would find out...so he didn't.

LA

Hi Learning Hard, I read your sitch and wondering what actions your husband's employer took that you exposed the A at work. We have ethics policy that supervisors cannot date co-workers or both will be fired.
Glad that things are working out for you. take care