Hello,
Quick question. WW went out last night with a friend. Friend picked her up at out house and friend was not involved with aiding the A while it was going on. They went out about 9 PM up the block to local restaurant. W said she would be back in about 1 hour. She txt me around 10PM to say she is having one more drink and finishing up and should be home soon. I didn't have my cell phone on me and got the txt about 11PM. Replied ok and she came home a few minutes later. When she got back I told her I was annoyed that she didn't call me and tell me she was staying out later. She said she didn't want to call me and wake me up but that's really BS because the chance of me sleeping at 10 PM is pretty slim. She said since she txt'ed me that was enough and was a little annoyed that I didn't txt her back. We got into a bit of an argument and of course that meant that bringing up some stuff from the A and she ending up crying and saying she never wants to go out again. I apologized for LB and we made up but how could I have handled it better? I told her I feel very uncomfortable with her going out without me and that any deviation from what she tells me gets me annoyed/angry bc I feel she should be trying hard to stop this kind of behavior. This was something we have fought alot about in our M. Her management of time and saying she will be home at so and so time and losing track. And of course the A not being to helpful.

So I guess what I'm asking is it reasonable for me to be annoyed? I really don't like her having to 'check' in but I was one of those H who trusted my W 100% and obviously got burned. Is this a question of setting proper boundaries? Seems like a pretty insignificant transgression in the grander scheme of the A but figured I would ask for advice anywhere. Trying to change things in the M and one of my faults was/is always thinking I'm right in an argument.

You should have gotten a sitter and gone out with your wife. I remember she went out with a girlfriend before and met up with the OM after she said there would be NC.

She is way too early in NC to be going out without you. Stick to your guns.

Your wife has no business going out without you. As Melody often says, married people should act married.




Of course you think you're right in an argument. And she does, too. If you didn't think you were right why on earth would you be disagreeing? Think that statement through logically.

What is the point of arguing about something that you don't think you are right about?

Now perhaps what you really mean is that during an argument, you do not try to understand her point (see things from her perspective). If that is what you mean, then yes, you need to work on that. How does your wife do at understanding YOUR point?

There is no "going out for dinner" for me or my W alone any longer, especially since our 2nd child was born. Time away from both kids is rare, and we'd prefer to spend that time together.

We go together, or neither of us goes. It's that simple.

Oh, by the way, no way in h_ll will I let her consume alcohol without me in attendance. No way.

Relax, she is doing what she should be doing, pass her the olive branch and make peace. Recovery is difficult and she is remaining transparent, but understand that it will do you little good to pack her in cotton. Having said that, she must understand that it is her job to pay you just compensation for her affair. Keeping you from worrying if she is true to the marriage is the most loving gesture she can bestow at this early stage of recovery and is part of that compensation. You will both greatly benefit from it.

The reality is that you are only a few weeks into recovery. It takes time for the doubts to calm themselves. Of course, if she sticks to NO CONTACT then your recovery will likely continue to improve and that is what is important.

Mr. G

Let me add to that by saying, "Nor should your wife even want to".

I agree with you overall. And you are right I already was burned on that one. I was annoyed/upset in general that she wanted to go out with just her gf. It was not planned out though. Her gf called her up that day and asked is she wanted to go out quick. She has a child as well and H was home watching. They wanted to go out and talk with no kids which I def understand. No time to get a babysitter on my end. And she did have the gf come to our house and they went up the block. And to be honest she is a stay at home mom so if she really wants to do something there is ample opportunity (as I learned the hard way).

But I did go to my Christmas party at my job and a couple of other times by myself (she could not go it was employees only) which she mentioned and feels uncomfortable about.

Just tough - Is this is how life is going to be? No longer able to function as individual people without checking in every 15 min?

No, life will get better. She needs to understand why you would be triggered by this.

In the future, start going out together.

I second. I don't even think my wife would ask me if she could go out without me because of what it would 'trigger'. What is that saying...you do the crime, you do the time? Kinda like why felons are not allowed to have guns.

I don't agree 100%. Maybe like 90% but there are certain functions at my job that I go out without her. Should I stay home? Should she never be able to hang out with a gf by herself? I'm not saying all the time but I can't imagine she will have many friends if everytime one of them calls to see her and she says "wait let me call my H and see what time he can meet us". But I do think it is important to try to do as much as possible together - this is def something we got away from. Rec companionship is her #2 EN.





I meant that of course when I argued I thought I was right but I don't think we saw each others point of view at all. She has freely admitted that she was very selfish during the A and that in itself cause many arguments. And she has said repeatedly that she felt she could do nothing right and was always wrong (even though outwardly she never admitted this and would never admit she was wrong). She said this was a big factor in the A bc the OM would never make her feel bad or wrong. Shocker right?

That is something I have been working on - trying to see her point of view. It honestly has been easier now that she has not been acting so selfishly and been more honest with me. My W has big issues with lying - not just to me but to everyone in her life. Not only lying about big things like the A but little things like did you mail this letter. To the point where you it makes you crazy - like why in the world would you lie about something so small?

And finally yes I believe she is seeing my point more. Especially as I have become less judgmental. Even with this incident she said she understood why I would feel that way I do. In the past she would have never relented - even if she though she was wrong.

We actually have been doing a good job of this lately. We have been going out at least once a week without kids. Def has helped. As much as the A hurts I do agree with her as to one of the reasons why the A happened - we stopped being friends. I don't think I really realized it but think its true. Just to bad she could so easily become friends with OM and not a GF. Kind of ironic but my W was def of the opinion that men and women could be friends with no problem. I disagreed with her. I use to tell her assuming that man and women were at least somewhat attracted to each physically the potential for something happening was great. At least she is not saying that anymore.

It is a good plan. We have been doing much better at this. I have been trying hard to come home from work on time to have dinner with the family (this was an issue w her - me working too much and putting work ahead of the family).

Yeah the alcohol thing surprised me. And she is not a big drinker. I think she was doing it to impress me a bit. And considering she was right up the block and didn't drive there. Sounds kind of stupid but this is something we would fight over - we would go out and she would refuse to drink anything. Now I'm not adovating being an alocholic but I see nothing wrong with having a few drinks if you go to a party or something.

I'm not disagreeing with you guys necessarily. And she didn't even go out for dinner. She cooked us dinner that night and we all ate together. But on the other hand why couldn't she just have the gf come over our house and hang out then? I could have gone in another room to give them so space. So annoying - driving yourself crazy with this BS when before the A didn't even have to consider it.

But is is a double standard? Do I get to go out occasionally and she is not able to have any friends or go out by herself ever? Seems like kind of depressing why of looking at life for her. And I'm saying she doesn't deserve for paying the price but I want us to both be happy eventually. I don't resentment that's going to cause another A down the road.

Thanks this is kind of how I feel - I don't want to me married to a robot/slave whose sole purpose is to serve me and the kids. But on the other hand I don't want to get burned yet again. I guess its a balancing act. Her going out would have not been as bad if she just made the extra effort to call me. And I guess that what it is - she needs to go above and beyond herself to show me she is committed to this M and making me feel secure with her.