If you believe that, then you're wasting your time here (and ours). This site is all about those exact actions - fighting for your M, illegitimizing the A, and making it hard for her to continue it. THAT IS WHAT WORKS! You can believe your own feelings, or you can believe the advice that has been developed after Harley has consulted with literally thousands of couples in exactly your position.

Do you want to believe the expert, or yourself? Or, be honest, is it just that you're trying to avoid confrontation? We all do it, but this is too important to let that stop you.

And cutting off ALL financial support is attacking the affair? It seems like I'm attacking HER, and not the affair.

You are financially supporting her just fine by providing her a house to live in, food to eat, and clothes she already owns. THAT is the financial responsibility you owe her. Anything more than that, she can work for.

Yes, I'm a very NON-confrontational guy.

Then ask a friend or family member to help you down this path.

Woooaaah. First off, you are taking the credit cards and banking accounts (make sure you get her name off of them OR if you cant, go open new ones and have your checks deposited there) and making sure she doesnt run oof with the family money. If she chooses to have an affair and leave the house, she is leaving the family money also!

The car issue holds several points. First, it puts more money in your pocket. Second, it makes it harder for her to run to work, in order to finance her affair. Third, it creates problems for the affair.

I understand you being apprehensive...I was too. What it takes to save your family is NOT what your feelings and emotions will tell you to do. Many times, it is counterintuitive!

She is in an affair. She is outside the bounds of legitimate or ethical behavior. You need to protect the family from her actions.

And atthe same time, begin the rest of Plan A by trying to meet needs and not LBing.

I think this quote was made for you.


One question ... are you comfortable with this role???

OK, going home now. I don't know if WW will be there or not. If not, then I will check the forum again. If she is, then I'm taking away the lifelines, but want to find her pocketbook first so that I can take what I need.

Stop being such a wimp and get self righteous on her [censored]. Sell the car and don't give her half. Do you have half of the $5800 in her bank? You can tell her you need the money to pay your attorney, or to help her become more self sufficent, that you won't provide transportation so she can boink OM, whatever. Cut her off and let her fend for herself if she wants to be a free woman.

Exposure? What has been done in the way of exposure? Her parents? Your parents? Friends? Minister?

Well, gotta get outside your comfort zone. Or, the marriage will end, and you will lose your shirt!

Many here have saved their marriages based on Plan A and Plan B. If done right, it is an incredible tool. But, even if the marriage isnt saved, by doing these things, you will save family assets, keep the kids with you, etc.

When you do these things, they dont require confrontation! Just do them. When her head spins around and she curses at you, you just quietly leave the room. Dont even argue about it. In her current state, she wouldnt understand anyway!

The consequences hurt the affair. It causes pain, emotional pain. For which she yells at you. But, inside her, she knows that the pain isnt caused by you. that she would have her car, money, gym etc if she was flying right. She knows that it is her actions alone that have put her in this situation. She just doesnt want to accept that responsibility.

And she wont have to if you continue to back down.

Your actions that anger the WW are actions that kill the pleasure and ease of her adultery.

She is adulterous at the moment. Anything that you do to interrupt her adultery will anger her.

You can choose two things:

1. Do nothing to anger her and allow the adultery to run it's course.

2. Impliment the "stick" of plan A (don't forget the carrot too) ... both carrot and stick will anger her.

She's behaving like a reptile WW right now.

Anger is temporary. Her anger is far less harmful to your marriage than your fear of her anger.

She frightens you when she's angry. It's not your wife, you know? It's the alien WW. Who cares if the alien reptile WW gets angry? It's what all WW's do ~~~> GET MAD. Her anger is her greatest weapon against your marriage.

And, guess what?

When she is angry, and you won't listen to her spew, who is she gonna run to? Is OM gonna like to sit back and listen to her always bitching and moaning about you?

Hardly.

Written by a poster named star*fish

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

your MB name

scared1

You need to be a warrier

I bumped up a thread started by Mimi

the The ART OF WAR BY SUN TZU

..... basically, all you need to change to win is .... yourself

You MUST listen to star*fish. She was a BS who reclaimed her marriage to her FWH. She was an excellent friend and guide to many. LISTEN TO HER!!!!

I've exposed to nearly everybody, except OM's family, and I'm making strides to get there. I don't know where he lives, except the town, but I got his license plate number yesterday and will try to get a cop friend to help get his address. I've also just learned where his daughter goes to school - not at the public school in the town. In fact, it's a Catholic school. Even better, when I find her to expose that her father is having an adulterous relationship with my WW. I'm sure they've met, but it's a question of whether the daughter knows my WW's marital status. That may have to wait until school is back in session next week, because I'll drive to the school.

Ok, everyone, I did it. I wish to thank everyone who chimed in yesterday for giving me the strength to pull the trigger and take away the financial lifelines - the checkbook, ATM card, and the joint credit card, had the scissors in my hand and cut them right up as she handed them to me. I think that's all she has for financial lifelines, unless she goes and opens up an old joint credit card and bangs it. She recently ordered her credit report. So, if this is her plan, she's one step ahead of me. Now, I need to close the checking account because I can't find the remaining checks, and I find it hard to believe that she was on her last one.

This was alot easier for me to do than I thought it would be. In fact, I spent the last 2 hours at work reading and writing these threads and you all helped me build up the strength, so I was actually disappointed to get home and she wasn't there. She was shopping for new work clothes (with my daughter, of course) and I texted my daughter and told her to tell WW to use HER credit card and not the joint one. This was BEFORE she got home and I took away the financial stuff.

FYI - interesting that she has suddently been hiding her pocketbook. She used to keep it out so that I'd simply grab the checkbook, balance it, and put it back. My thoughts are that somebody who isn't trustworthy doesn't trust other people. For some reason, she implied that she doesn't trust me to not go rooting through her pocketbook. I could care less what she has in there and never did. Now she's worried about it all of a sudden?

I must say that I had a bounce in my step yesterday, a smile on my face, and got the best night of sleep since D-day. I feel good !!!!!

I also told her yesterday that I was going to sell my car and that she could have half the proceeds. What she didn't realize, was that I was referencing MY car, so it probably passed right through one ear and out the other. She didn't realize I was talking about the car that she drives, which we have always referenced as HER car. This one is going to be a big step, and I don't yet have the courage to actually pull it off.

Today is a good day !!!!

You're getting some great advice from some great people...

Pepperband and Mortarman are legends... (in their own minds) ...LOL

They're giving better advice than I could. I'm not a MB success story (yet) but they are... That's who you want to listen to. The people who have been down the road you're on have been succesful.

Hang in there... you're going to be all right.

When it comes to exposing to his underage daughter... Use caution... I'm not sure I would do that... but get some input from some of the Vets... If she was of leagal age definately. But since she's not... Might get a little sticky...

How about some folks give me some advice on this one. I believe she's 17 and a senior in a Catholic high school. I've been told to expose as long as she's at least 12 or 14 years old. If I can't find the address, I intend to drive to the school and ask for permission to speak with her. Ya' think the nuns will be OK with that when I explain why?

On another note, she finally figured out that I took the wedding ring. When asked, I said that it was symbolic for the covenant that we had 16 years ago. She said its hers and she wants it back.