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Hi, I am new here and really need your advice. I have been reading for months but never posted. Here goes...
We have been living together for years and both of us have been married before. Our kids are grown and not living here so it’s us. We were so much in love for many years and love doing just about everything together, biking, hiking, laying in bed to just drink coffee in the morning on the weekends. We used to be able to talk about everything and anything. The problems now are always the same and I am not sure what to do. I am asking for advice as I am afraid he will leave and we will be finished. He has become so withdrawn the past few months and seems very bored with our relationship as he keeps telling me that he wants excitement and to experience sexual adventures as a couple with other couples. We would not have intercourse with others but wants the excitement of watching or something along that order. I am not as comfortable with this as he is. What really bothers me is that he is in love with me as I am with him and I thought we would grow old together. We both do not want to end this but he is now saying that he is trying to decide if he can let this part of his life go as he has always wanted to experience this sort of stuff. I am angry because to me if you had to choose sexual adventures or a live with somebody who you love and are in love with, how can that be so hard to decide? Plus we have not had any relationship in bed for over two months as he said that he is bored and tired of the same ole thing. Has anyone been through anything like this before? I don't know what to think anymore...should I just say goodbye???
mbaby
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Be careful going down this road - it is a slippery slope to the next 'adventure' so you don't get bored. Until eventually you are removed from the 'adventure' altogether.
The fact that he doesn't want SF from you now should be a huge red flag. Its not healthy for your long term relationship to substitute other people to have your H's SF need met. There is probably something else bothering your H and that's the reason why he doesn't want to engage in SF with you.
BH - me. 35 WW - 31 DD - 3 DD - 4 DS - 7 Married 9 years D-date - 9/12/2008 EA - ~9/06-9/08 PA - 9/07-9/08 NC #1 - 9/15/2008 Broken a couple of times NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time In recovery....but not easy
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Why didnt you ever get married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you both for your replies,
I never want to get married again as it was bad enough before and there is no need for it as my children are grown and we are both making a good living, I am his life partner.
I am worried that we used to have a lot of fun and he is now telling me that he is bored. I agree about the red flag I see too, I also sense that maybe he is depressed a bit since he just turned 50 and feels that time is now running out. I did schedule an appointment with a councelor to talk and he said that he doesn't really believe in them but will go if I want.
Why I am so very upset is that I cannot understand why this is such a hard decision on his part. If you really are in love with somebody, wouldn't you give up something simple like these adventures? It makes no sense to me at all and I cannot understand.
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If he can not separate sexual fantasy from reality then it may be time to say goodbye because you will likely be a victim of a cheating partner very soon if not already. Involving other people in your relationship is not adventerous it's destructive. If he wants to be sexually adventerous the two of you can do that without involving other people. Your partner is very immature. Don't sell yourself out to try and hold onto him.
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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It's not uncommon for someone who is already cheating to try and push swinging or 3 ways (watching, whatever) onto the unsuspecting partner to try and alleviate their own guilt.
This looks like a classic case of it. I hope I am wrong.
Start snooping immediately.
Divorced
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mbaby, he doesn't sound very committed, which is the attitude of those who live together. Generally, living together versus getting married is the difference between a renter and a buyer. A renter is just there until something better comes along. A buyer will do what it takes to make the necessary repairs. Have you read Dr Harley's articles about living together? He explains here why living together is usually a disaster: here You might find them interesting, along with the 3 states of mind in a relationship: Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so. Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent. Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do trust him so I don't think he is cheating or is having an affair. I really don't know how to check on him anyway and quite honestly, if I knew that he was snooping on me I would be very upset.
I am wondering if he is having a mid life crisis? I really would like to know if anyone here has had any experience in this swinging stuff that their spouse wants to do and how they handled it.
Everything else is perfect it seems and last few years we always talked about how perfect and happy our lifes seemed to be. How sad is this. If this is the breaker of us then I can't even imagine another fit for me or somebody that makes me laugh and makes me feel so happy.
Half of me is so mad that I am insulted that there is even a question of what to choose and to tell him to take a hike. But then I know that any relationship has to have some work and effort to make things work out. I am so confused. Our lease is up in two months too here in NY so I am now very concerened on what to do as we have to decide to keep this apt or not and neither one of us can afford it alone.
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link to post about "open marriage" You are not married. This post was written for married couples. perhaps it will help you formulate a response to your "life partner". Good luck
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Thank you Peperband but not being married shouldn't really make any difference as the relationship is just as important. It is committed. I would love to read that post but the link won't work. Can you resend it? ~ mbaby
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mbaby,
You've lived together for a long time, but neither of you has wanted to get married. Now, for one of you at least, that's gotten stale, and there's nothing to keep the bored partner from "branching out." No commitment, no legality, no moral imperative.
I think this man is he77 bent on "broadening" his experience. Might have already been doing so. Why don't you do some checking and find out what he's actually been up to? Then you'll know the full scope of what you're dealing with. If you discover an affair (and it wouldn't surprise me if you do, and he will likely deny it), decide whether you can handle the emotional meat grinder you'll be in. Without legal or social benefits, you'll be hard pressed to salvage the relationship, especially if he's not being honest with you.
It's what you can expect with a "renter" relationship. If you love him, fight for the relationship, but it's likely you're in for a very bumpy ride.
JMHO
Me BS 61 Him FWS 63 Married 40 years D-Day 6/30/06 Still can't believe it. 6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Thank you Peperband but not being married shouldn't really make any difference as the relationship is just as important. It is committed. I would love to read that post but the link won't work. Can you resend it? ~ mbaby I fixed the link. The relationship is not a married relationship. I stated a fact.
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Thank you Peperband but not being married shouldn't really make any difference as the relationship is just as important. It is committed. I would love to read that post but the link won't work. Can you resend it? ~ mbaby mbaby, there is a huge difference between being married and living together. One is committed and the other is not. This relationship was not even important enough to you to make it legal. I dont see how you can expect others to place more importance on it than you do. This man is not married and is a free agent in every sense of the word. There is a mentality inherent in living together that you don't see in most marriages. Dr Harley explains it quite well in his articles. I hope you take the time to read them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you Peperband but not being married shouldn't really make any difference as the relationship is just as important. It is committed. It appears that YOU didn't consider it important when you stated " I never want to get married again as it was bad enough before and there is no need for it as my children are grown and we are both making a good living, I am his life partner." You and he have left the door open to walk away at anytime. If he doesn't get what he wants...he could walk away. If you don't want to be sexually exploited, you could walk away. Neither one of you is committed emotionally to the other or you would be married. (Something is tweaking him to pursue sex with others...porn?) committed
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If you both have no interest in being married, then why are you hunting advice on a marriage building site???
Relationships are relationships. Everybody has them and they come and go. Marriages are marriages, and half of them don't make it WITH total commitment, solemn vows up front! Marriage is a much weightier commitment than a verbal agreement to enjoy life together. And the risk of disintegration of a relationship is even greater than that 50% divorce rate.
YOU are fully committed, but it seems your partner sees it differently. For him at this point, no formal commitment=open to other sexual adventures. I don't see what you can do under the circumstances.
Last edited by rightherewaiting; 12/29/08 03:34 PM.
Me BS 61 Him FWS 63 Married 40 years D-Day 6/30/06 Still can't believe it. 6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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I understand the marriage thing, He told me that he would get married if I wanted to but I am the one who doesn't. I actually feel silly getting married at 50. We are in a committed relationship and a paper doesn't stop anybody from straying or flirting or anything. I wish it did but it doesn't. I don't think getting married would of stopped this from evolving into an issue.
I really think he is imature like somebody said above, and selfish too the more I think about it.
I really do like this site, it has helped me think this through today as yesterday all I did was cry. Thank you for helping today.
I don't want to end this relationship but I really don't want to go down his path either.
I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. Our kids love our family and he loves them with all his heart.
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I don't believe in there being such a thing as a midlife crisis. Why is this label given when a partner wants to stray? Yeah we all start feeling our age at times but I don't feel the need to go tramping around or becoming a pervert so I don't feel like I missed out on something.
Just because you trust him doesn't mean he won't cheat. You don't think most BS here trusted their WS?
Last edited by black_raven; 12/29/08 03:51 PM. Reason: typo
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I do trust him so I don't think he is cheating or is having an affair. That is equivalent to pulling a blanket over your head to make the home invasion stop happening. Look into some statistics and realize that not only is it possible he's cheating, it's LIKELY that at least one of you is, or will be. I really don't know how to check on him anyway and quite honestly, if I knew that he was snooping on me I would be very upset. Always start with the internet and cellphone(s). I'm hiding nothing from my wife besides this website, so I don't care if she snoops. If she were to snoop, it would give me a great chance to show that I'm not doing anything wrong. I am wondering if he is having a mid life crisis? I really would like to know if anyone here has had any experience in this swinging stuff that their spouse wants to do and how they handled it. Jeez, until I read this I thought you were a young couple. More proof that age and wisdom do not go hand-in-hand. Mid-life crises are all about the ability to score with young women."I gotta ****edit**** a young hottie before I get too old to even make the attempt!" Thus the increased focus on appearance, motorcycles, sports cars, skydiving, etc. It's not about a fear of growing old or a fear of death...it's ALL about getting laid by women in the 18-30 demographic, plain and simple. Don't let any other Hugh Hefner wannabe tell you otherwise. You came HERE to ask about experience with swinging? ****edit**** Everything else is perfect it seems and last few years we always talked about how perfect and happy our lifes seemed to be. How sad is this. If this is the breaker of us then I can't even imagine another fit for me or somebody that makes me laugh and makes me feel so happy. Hmmm...relationship's perfect, then goes south accompanied by a middle-aged man whining about "adventure". I wonder what could've possibly changed, especially so rapidly? He was either using you until he grew bored with you, or he is cheating. Or both. Either way, lose the apartment. You won't be needing it.
Last edited by Dufresne; 12/29/08 05:29 PM. Reason: profane and vulgar
Divorced
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I actually feel silly getting married at 50. With all due respect, mbaby, 50 is old enough to know better than to put out for free. Why should he place a higher value on you than you do? You have devalued yourself to this man and you can see the result. His attitude is easy come, easy go. He does not value what came free and easy. He is not committed in any way to you. He is a free agent. You were not even committed enough to be bothered to go down and get married at the Justice of the Peace. Saying one is committed is very different from being committed. I am sorry to be harsh, but it galls me to see a woman who knows better acting so foolish. You set your price with him [FREE] and he is simply paying that price. [nothing] Your beef is with the woman in the mirror who got herself in this mess.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for some of the thoughtful, concerened replies. I cannot believe some of you seem so angry like Krazy71? How rude you are.
I had a few simple questions I wanted to ask from a group of very thoughful, honest, married people that I have read and learned from these past few months. I am sorry if my asking you upset some of you.
Yes, this is a marriage site and yes, there is no contract but that doesn't mean you treat your spouse or partner any different. We treat them with love and kindness.
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