Most of you know I am not trying to recover my M and have made no attempt to do so in a year and a half. I did follow a modified Plan B just to save some sanity and it has been the best thing I could possibly do. However, I do occassionally hear from WstbxH. In the past week, he's called twice. Warning, the following has wayward-fogbabble written all over it.

The first time was just before Christmas and he wanted to go half on a gift for DS and DIL. He wanted to get Guitar Hero for the both of them, from me, him and OW. :RollieEyes: The thing was on sale for $90 or something - adding up to $30 each, though I would have to pay $45 since it would be from "2 sets" of parents (double :RollieEyes:). I wasn't even sure where to start with this - the rediculousness of the gift (Guitar hero for a newlywed couple???) or the rediculousness of the 2 of us going in on a gift, OR the rediculousness of any gift coming from both myself and OW, OR even the rediculousness that she is part of a "set" of parents!!! I'm pretty sure he only asked because coming up with $45 between them is pretty difficult, but still. Obviously, I declined the offer.

Then yesterday he called to ask what DS&DIL got me for Christmas. They had photo albums from their wedding made up and gave one to me and my mother (DS's grandmother). They are beautiful and I absolutely cherish mine. It turns out they got WstbxH one as well. I was not even remotely surprised - in fact I would have been if they didn't. Yet WstbxH actually phoned me up to ask. My guesses include that maybe OW was unhappy with it - after all there are pictures of me in it. Also, she was asked not to come to the wedding. Still, it doesn't explain why he would call unless he was going to give me his if I didn't get one.

Thoughts anyone?

I am also curious as to how long a wayward can stay in their fog. He has been with OW for over 2 1/2 years now - living together for almost 2 years. I avoid him for the most part, but whenever I do speak to him, he's still crazy. He's completely destroyed his credit and is teetering on the brink of financial ruin, yet he is still behaves irrationally and thinks illogically. I am glad to be fully protected from him, but it's now like watching a car accident in slow motion.

Is it possible that he always was "foggy" - in the sense that I'm only just seeing his true colours? Or do some waywards maintain a permanent state of fog?

AGain, I don't want this guy back at all, but perhaps there's something educational in this.

This could be his true colours but I would lean a bit more towards him being desperate to continually lie to himself at all costs rather than see himself as the POS he is.

And about Guitar Hero...that is a great gift for any couple. H and I play it for hours. As for the three latter points, it is ridiculous.

I would say since he is still with her, the fog is still there.

I also agree with Raven, GH would have been an awesome gift. My brother and SIL got it for christmas from santa this year. Everybody loves guitar hero. lol

GH might work for some but DS and DIL don't even have a TV. And even if they could use it, don't you think it's a pretty cheap gift to split between 3 (well 4 actually including OW's DD) people to give to 2? It is also DIL's b'day so it was supposed to combine for that as well. I got them a digital frame and gift certificates to Chapters and got DIL a candle set for her b'day.

She MORE than "unhappy" .... she's pissed off!


OW thinks this gift was a deliberate punch to her gut ... so if YOU got the same exact gift - it makes it less of a personal insult to OW. (what a marroon)


I don't know about long term fog - but I do know about lifestyle choices. he may be making a lifestyle choice ....

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ghetto

What? Another brilliant suggestion from Wstbxh.

BR, this is why I'm asking if it's normal. This A has been out in the open so long he has no need to justify anything to anyone. But his words and actions don't make any sense whatsoever.

This may be right Pep, and I didn't really think about it. They even included the parent photo - her parents standing next to her and his parents (me and Wstbx) standing beside him, but that's a wedding photo standard. (interestingly, there was more animosity between her parents who have been divorced nearly 20 years)

And yes, he's on a fast, one way trip to ghetto-living. I'm glad I moved so I don't have to take calls from his creditors anymore. I'm such a b**** by the way - every time they called I'd give them his current contact info.

When a WS abandons/destroys their family in favor of their OP, they will self-destruct.

They will destruct from the inside out. Victor Frankyl wrote in "Man's Search for Meaning" that "guilt always seeks punishment".

I live in a very, very small town where everyone has known or known of everyone else's personal chit for generations.

I could recount story after story of waywards abandoning their children/spouses and how their own series of unfortunate events played out.

One is a co-worker whose mother lived next to my grandma. My coworker's dad left for his OW just about a block down the street from her. He abaondoned her, her sister and mom whilst taking up house with OW and her kids. My coworker grew up with a mom who had to tend bar 50/60 hours a week just to pay the rent, whilst her dad's new family got new bikes, etc. I mean she lived right down the street and watched this SOB raise these other kids while his real family suffered.

The old man's health, finances, life, self-respect, OW, all down the tubes. His new kids either in prison or dead from alcohol/drugs.

I'll spare you anymore stories, mostly because they are all the same.

It's those darn consequences again.

Hey Pep, I'm just trying to be helpful. It isn't their fault he lied to them about where he lived and you know we all end up paying for it in the end!

Well I don't think it's normal to buy a video game when there is no TV lol. Other than that I would think it is normal for most wayards to try and seem like a normal, decent human being regardless of how long the A has been out there. Your WH deep down knows that he's wrong and people still look at him as a POS or with some level of disgust. He's trying to justify his behavior to himself more than anyone. You said DS told him don't bring OW to his wedding and yet he tries to stick her name on a gift to him and his wife. Sounds like he desperately want to get her accepted by the family and convince himself that she is a decent person. So long as he is with her and she is unwelcomed by family he will have to live with the fact that she is a POS, he is a POS and the fog will remain. One day he might wake up but he will still have the destruction to deal with.

Tabby

Just droppin in to put in my two cents on this thread.

I agree with this totally...


My xWH is following the same script that Raven described. And like your WstbXH, he has ruined his credit and is spirally ever so steadily toward financial ruin. But since OW made the intelligent move and married him at least he'll have company for the ride.

Smartie

As for the Guitar HERO ... it may be the only way he could ever hear that word in the same sentence as "dad".

I will never think of Guitar Hero the same way again!!!!

Tabby, I am sorry that your Wstbx behaves like an idiot. From what you write it sounds like he and OW have serious problems with everything and it's their own fault.

I have been thinking about this subject too. When do you cease to believe that a WS is in a fog and begin to believe that he/she just is a POS? Even if the WS wasn't a POS before, he/she might have changed. People change and some change to the worse.

But I also agree with black raven who said that the WS desperately continues to lie to himself so he doesn’t have to see what a POS he has become. But what is the big difference between that and being a POS?

At least it sounds like your Wstbx gets what he deserves. I am glad that you seem to be healthy, wealthy and happy.

(Healthy, wealthy and happy is a Chinese new year's wish that I share with my friends).