Just checking in. Nothing new to report. H has asked a few questions to DD17 but she has answered him with the IDK. They were minor questions but I told ALL questions even minor ones concerning me and her brother are to be answered with IDK so she's doing well with it.

I am guessing that if H visits kids tomorrow that he will try to slip DS10 the cell phone that he bought him "so he can reach him anytime and talk to him all day".

Ya know funny thing is I have not prevented him from calling so I really dont know why he needed to do that. But I will search thoroughly through DS10's clothing when he comes home.

I know this sounds really dumb, but do I need to give H a reason or even tell him that DS10 cannot have the cell phone? I wanted to say he left it in his pocket again and it got washed but then DS10 would have to back the lie and I don't want him to do that. I guess I am being a wimp and trying to avoid the fact that he will more than likely be pissed off that I won't let him use the cell phone.

I sent the Pastor and email, as he is out of town for the week, letting him know that I need to take a hiatus for a few weeks to sort through some things and that I didn't want to do it with out his blessing and covering of the church and that I would return mid January. Haven't heard back yet because he is on a mini vacation with his family.

Anyways I think I am going to totally go through my room and closets and start trashing and organizing again. I want to do that before I paint.

Have a great day everyone.

Perfect time to practice being the head of the household by telling WH you will not allow your son to have a cell phone you did not agree to. WH being mad is the only way he will learn. You can do it!

Hey T2L?

I tried to explain to your dau about forgiving someone who is still actively hurting her...dunno if I did it right.

I hope you don't mind...but I told her it's okay NOT to forgive someone who is STILL hurting you, but if she felt the need to do it for herself, it's okay....

It's just that I don't think it's healthy to let someone you've forgiven KNOW that they are forgiven even tho they are still harming you.

That's kinda like giving the hurter permission to keep hurting (in their eyes). KWIM?

Ug.

Still don't know if I'm 'splainin' it right.

Nah makes perfect sense to me. I feel the same way. Her dad has says I know what I did was wrong and that only acknowledgment of a wrong action that doesn't not mean he is repentant or have Godly sorrow over what he's done and I don't think that he does.

So you are right on. Its good for her to hear things besides just from momma.

Plus I trust you all. If I didn't I would not have allowed her to post. So its good.

No worries you splaind poy-fec-ly!

Isn't in it weird that half,probably more, of the world just doesn't think right and they consider us the weirdos? Its so wierd to me.

I have this really close friend who is going through a divorce. She's a really great person, Her H is a [censored]. Cheated 4 times and lots of other stuff, adn she stayed and then he slapped her with papers. Anyways I always try to encourage her to fight for more custody for the kids as 1 of them has learning issues and the H will not take proper care of them. We live in California and she says that there's nothing you can do and the journals you are keeping wont help you and that the courts feel 50/50 is better and you will look like a bitter fool trying to fight. I told her that If I have to go that route, I am hoping not, that I would fight tooth and nail for my kids and that I don't care who I look stupid in front of I am willing to for my kids. Then she says I sound crazy and that it will never work. I really hate the court systems, I really hate that California is a no fault state. She says you won't even be able to keep DS10 away from OW-ARGGGGGG! Anyways IDK, I guess I am crazy.

Some thoughts on cell phone, custody, etc...

First off, a question for you. Have you consulted a lawyer at all for separation or divorce counsel?

I did when tst left. In fact, tst's cousin found one of the best lawyer's in town for me (hehehe). This cousin was our best man for our wedding, and he and his wife have been VERY close to us throughout our family raisin' lives. This cousin confronted tst many times during the affair, and called him on all his babble, AND told me and tst that his alliances were with me and the children.

Anyway, back on track...

I met with this lawyer and explained the situation. I informed him that I had every intention of busting up this affair and saving my marriage; but if that did not happen, I wanted full custody. He advised me then, that I should not file anything and wait it out unless tst became a real @ss and stopped supporting us fanancially.

This lawyer told me to call him with any problems I encountered. I did call him a few times over situations with the kids. Did I have to force DD to go on visitation? Did I have to force DD to talk with WH on phone if she didn't want to? Was I required to allow tst to call any hour he desired and talk with the kids? tst was calling after his martial arts classes, which was way past bedtime and expecting to speak with the kids. It was interfering with our daily routine and causing me much grief during the bedtime hours.

Here's what he told me (we are not in CA, though).

1. DD does not have to visit dad if she doesn't want to. I needed to be careful that I do not DISCOURAGE her from visiting or talking with dad, but I can SUPPORT her in HER decision to not speak to or see him.

2. I can set times that he may call when the children are with me, so that he doesn't interfere with our daily schedule. He said that just like if the kids were enrolled in school, they would not be allowed to talk on the phone with dad; he should not be able to call and interfere with our daily school routine. And that I could set a time for him to call BEFORE bed time and if he called after, tell him the children were in bed for the night. That is was I did. I told him to call between 7-8, as the younger children's bedtimes had been 8 p.m. FOREVER...and he had been the one to strictly enforce it.

tst was so furious. But I stood my ground.

I guess my whole point in this is exactly what my lawyer expressed to me.

Set your boundaries clearly because you are in charge of their daily routines, and he has no right to expect he can disrupt the routines. BUT be careful that you do not look like you are ENCOURAGING your children to cut WH off or prevent them from having him in their lives.

I'm concerned that if you ditch DS's cell, you may hurt yourself. Another idea could be to have certain times that DS can have it. Inform the IM's of the times DS will have it, and they can pass it on to Mr. Idiot.

I don't know. It's tough. tst called anytime of day he felt like it, regardless of our schedule. He even told the kids to call him whenever they felt like it. That caused a lot of grief for me when I told them no, it's an hour past your bedtime; or no, you are in the middle of your schoolwork.

I would love to see some more people brainstorm on the cell phone situation before you act.

Anyone???

You could always remove the sim card and declare, "this darn phone just won't work!". He takes it back, gets another one, repeat same process.

No seriously, I would just return the cell phone with a note, "Thank you for your thoughtfulness :RollieEyes: but a cell phone is too much responsibility for a 10-yr old. You are more than welcome to call him on the home phone at 0:00 or 0:15 or 0:30 each day. If you have any questions please contact the IMs."

That leaves no room for argument. You're not asking, you're telling. If he doesn't like it, he can contact the IMs.

Yes I have consulted with 3 early after Dday. Out here in California they really push the mediation thing. Wham bam thank you mam. Agree, agree, agree and your done, but luckily I read a post from someone here, it may have been yours, where they said the Harley's discourage to go the mediator route. So I would rather fight it out with attorneys. But yes the answer to your question is Yes I have. Few of them said you'll probably lose your house and have to get a job etc etc. I really don't want to remove DS10 from home school as he is very set on it, probably more than I am. I do love our dream home but I am not clinging to it. I have not had to file anything yet as he has put money in the entire time.

My main and most important reason to NOT file is I cannot protect DS10 from having to go to visits with OW. California does not care about OW/OM or adultery or who's fault. I cannot prevent her from being around, and you could you imagine If I have to send him for weekends to this ungodly woman's home, who saw him and the whole family and still did this. My H told me after dday that she told the office girls she wished he wasn't married, BIATCH! And her dumb a$s had accepted and engagement only a few months earlier, for her 2nd marriage! So If I have to I will stay this way until he is old enough to make his own stance and I don't care how long it is.

I don't discourage DS10 to cut any contact with his father, in fact many times he does not want to talk and I say are you sure? But DD17 tells dad that he's gone or sleeping. She hasn't done that in a few weeks but Maybe y'all can encourage on her thread that if her brother doesn't want to talk to dad to just tell him the truth instead of making an excuse.

I mean with the cell phone thing, my worries is I cannot monitor the calls even if I specify times as I cannot stay by DS10's side for 5-6 hours a day. I was not monitoring but now I have to after his dumb remarks he made to DS10 on Saturday when we came home from the Christmas engagement with HIS brothers. He said I know they are telling you I dont love you but I do and I want to be involved in your life and I didn't get to come because my brothers didn't invite me. I said DS10 why do you think he said that? DS10 says cuz he doesn't want me to like my uncles, and I said probably. So now I have to watch more closely.

I mean I can possibly give it to him from 6-8PM, but H wants to text him to so I can't monitor what is being texted if I can't hear DS10 talking. Its easier to kinda be aware when i hear DS10 talking I can know who he is talking to.

Monday night he called and said what are you doing on Tuesday son I was thinking of coming to visit and DS10 said well its mom's day and H replies well what do you mean mom's days you live with her? So this made my son feel bad that he had to say that to his father. although I know I am not controlling it makes me feel this way. Feel like every time I turn around there is something new to put up boundaries for. I did inform my IM's about re-sending the visitation schedule and that it caused DS10 stress the other night having him ask questions and that here is the schedule again.

IM's did that email get sent? Just wondering, BCC's are good so I know what was addressed and I want to print them for my file.

But yes I am open to ideas about the cell. DS10 very badly wants it, all kids his age have one so its hard.

Hi T2L
:happynewyear:
Its 2009 here and good riddence to 2008.

That said.. a couple of things.

A cell phone put in the microwave on high for one minute, emits very pretty sparks, and does not work so well after. The damage is not apparent form the outside.

Secondly, NZ is a no fault country. To stop Flick having OW around the girls, when I signed the seperation agreement, I also filed for a mental health asesment on OW. I know from info given to me that she is actually bonofide crazy, so I said on the form that as she didi not have custody of her own 4 children, that I would concerned about her being around my 2.
It never ended up being processed but my lawyer thought I had a good chance stopping it.
NZ BTW is very, very, "lets all shake hands and move on in peace and harmony and love for the childrens sake"

Stick to your guns, and see if you have something similar there.

take the cell phone battery away - hand the battery back to son when it is calling time - and take the battery away when calling time is over

son can keep the phone (sans battery)

T2L

You do not respond to your husband sending a cell phone. That is for your I/M's to do.

In fact,

Overnight the cell to Pep - let her answer when he rings it - and she can tell him directly - bwaaahhhaaahaaahaahaa!! :evil:

I actually had a friend who did this. They were drunk at a pool party, jumped in the pool with the cell phone, decided to put it in the microwave to "dry it out".

They microwave was toast after that.



/TJ

Great idea!!

Or "accidentally" drop the cell phone in the toilet. If it still works, repeat the "accident" until it doesn't. Then return it .

A man has a right to give his son a gift at christmas. He can give his son a cel phone- and he can have reasonable expectations to be able to contact his son on it.

Any tampering/refusal by you to interfere with this set up may not be percieved well- no matter what your intentions were.

Sorry, but I think you have no option but to allow your son to communicate with his dad- without your oversight. It is the same communication they would have on a face to face visit- you don't oversee that--
and your son likes the visits with his dad.

Here is my .02: As long as dad is not verbally abusive, name calling or saying or doing things that are easily provable to be damaging to his son (not hurtful to you) -- the phone should be your sons.

You as mom and caregiver can set limitations upon this.
Turned off at bedtime, not turned on school hours...

But another thought-
You should NOT listen or read the text msgs. You are in plan B.

Only if your son complains to you about abusive comments FIRST, you have no reason to touch that phone.

Stay on the dark side, and give your WH some credit that he will be a good father to his S. This act, I think, may be harder for you to do than you going into plan B- (the trusting that you will not evesdrop onto childrens conversations with their dad)

That fact (they will have conversations without you) will be a reality forever. If you stay married or not.

What a pain in the %$# ! I feel sorry for your situation. But I think you need to pick your battles- this does not sound like a good battle to choose.

Hope this oposing view helps,

I disagree. Perceived well by whom? The Courts? I don't think so because he's already started in on the son. T2L would just be protecting her son from further verbal abuse.


Her house, her rules. Of course she can oversee his communications during face-to-face visits, because it's not within her power. This cell phone is. She can AT LEAST monitor that.


But he IS being verbally abusive. Talking bad about his mother IS hurtful to her son, not just T2L. It has been the source of emotional problems for him. IF WH were a GOOD dad and T2L could trust him not to continue to cause his son emotional trauma, it would be different, but he CAN'T be trusted. Any Judge would agree with that.


Yes but even better she can decide whether it is harmful emotionally to son for WH to have a direct line to him to say whatever he pleases. It's obvious WH is NOT looking out for son's emotional well-being or this would not even be an issue.


Exactly, even more reason for the phone to be returned.


He ALREADY has, thus the controversy about the cell phone.


Trust a WH? A WH that has already caused his son GREAT emotional distress? Seriously?


That may be, but perhaps she can protect son until he's a little older and learns how to process the emotional abuse.


He is a pain in the %$# with a proven track record. This is an IMPORTANT battle-- the emotional well-being of her son.

He already gave the kids there Christmas present and he told DD17 he wanted to give the phone to him so he could talk to him whenever he wants. That can't really happen as my son is home schooled until about 1PM and needs to go to bed by 8:30. A 10 year old in home school will drop everything to answer a cell phone.


Not sure if you read the thread often but on the 27th my H talked with DS10 after the family get together the kids and I went to with HIS brothers and he was mad about it. I normally do not monitor calls but NOW i darn will.

H says to DS10 ya know son i know they all told you i hate you but i don't and i want to be involved in your life and they didn't invite me and i wanted to go. DS10 didn't know what to do apparently he kept saying uh-ha. I asked him why do you think dad said that and he says because he wants me to not like my uncles.

Then last night DS10 did not want to talk to his dad for New Years Eve. When he saw DD17 talking to her he turned around and went down the hall. later i asked him why he didn't want to talk and DS10 says well he says all this nobody loves me stuff and nobody invites me.

OK for GOD'S SAKE! Why do i have to invite a cheating man who is living with his girlfriend anywhere with me!!!!




No way thats happening. DS10 is 10. And until I can be sure H is not gonna pull this guilt crap on DS10 it ain't happening. Yes I am in Plan B but those texts aren't to me they are going to be to DS10.

DS10 has enough anxiety, he still sleeps in my bed since the start of this nightmare over 8 months and has had to have some group therapy for anxiety brought on by this.

I will die for my kids Plan B or not. I didn't just spend the last 17 years doing everything I could to parent them to have H pollute them. I pretty much parented him because H's idea of parenting is anger-I will be mad at you and yell and you won't do those things(No-he never physically abused anyone) and my idea of parenting is actions=consequences.

Anyways I do respect your opinion, but feel it won't work for me.

T2L - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Has your boy been evaluated by a psychologist? Have you relayed to that psychologist this "nobody loves me" carp that WH is feeding 10 yr old?

You may have a case for supervised visitation!

It can always get worse for a WS that throws tantrums rather than look in that danged ol' mirror life keeps wanting him to look at!

Had another thought about the cell. A very strong magnet placed on the sim card can stop it working too.

But generally, I think you just need to take control of the access of the phone. I don't think a child of 10 actually 'needs' a cell phone. Apart from you, WH and DD17 who is he going to contact anyway? Two of you live with him, and the other isn't mentally sound right now

About the cell phone: my daughters had a cell that they used while Ike and I were in Plan B. It worked well because he could call them on that and I had no contact with him. However, it was just general talk and he did not throw any verbal abuse in. So, if that was the case, I would agree that your son should have one, but since it's not, I think that you should just take it away. I also agree with Kayla that you should see about supervised visits. Your H's behavior is inexcusable!

I feel for you.

Just a year or so ago, Governor Schwartzeneger's teenage daughters didn't have cell phones because their parents thought they were too young, and didn't need them. Hubby is all about playing games, and battling for control, and none about keeping contact with his son--with the phone as his latest tool in this power struggle with his "controlling wife". IMNSHO. :RollieEyes: He thinks it anyway, so go ahead...CONTROL.

tl