I recently found out that my husband of 8 months is having suggestive conversations with women online.

His account of a popular website was left signed in and I noticed that a lot of his "friends" were girls dressed in well.. little to nothing. I then decided to snoop. I know I shouldn't have, but I did.

What I found there were various messages to scantily clad women such as "omg u r so hot you sure do know how to make a man go crazy hope to talk to you soon." there were about 4 or 5 women he was in correspondence with. There was nothing romantic, just sexual.

This alone wouldn't have bothered me as much as it is. There are three major things that were the final straw for me:

• These girls were local. He purposely looked for girls living around here.
• The messages were made on Christmas Eve and Day.
• It was an account I didn't know existed.

I don't know what to do. I calmly confronted him about it, and he cried. He said there was no reason that he did it in our relationship. He said he was just being a complete idiot.

I am so hurt. Does anyone have any advice?

Welcome. How long did you know him before you married him?

He could be a sexual addict. Any signs of that before?

After only 8 months of marriage, this would be very worrisome to me.

I suggest you put a keylogger on the computer without him knowing and monitor what he is up to.

I knew him for 4 years before marrying him!

The timescale is exactly what worries me!

I'm not really sure where to go from here.. We don't have time on our side.

I would talk to him about the "why" of it. It is worse than a porn addiction because these are women that he could potentially meet. But I would put on a keylogger and watch too. You can download a trial one from specterpro.

How is the rest of the relationship? You aren't pregnant are you?

Hmm - after 8 months of M, he's encouraging and engaging in sexual conversations with local women?

Did he tell you how long this behaviour has been going on?

Not pregnant.

The account was new. He's never even had an interest in the computer before now. The reason my curiousity got the best of me was because he had been spending an odd amount of time on the computer.

The oldest message was from a few days ago.

Downloaded the key logger.

I want to be angry, but to be honest, my heart is just broken.

Well, don't let it broken just yet. You need more info. Good job on the keylogger.

How has the rest of the marriage been?

We tried to talk it out.

He has no reason, no excuse. It wasn't like he would ever actually see those girls... he says.

He says he's genuinely sorry, and I have the sneaking suspicion he wants it left at that. How can I get answers from him? I know there has to be some even if they aren't the ones I want them to be.

The rest of the marriage is great. I never suspected it and was in total shock when I saw it. It's completely out of his character.

I have also blocked all sites like the one that got him in trouble. I hate to feel like I'm just controlling his urge. Shouldn't it not be there at all?

Of course he wants it left like that - just to forget it ever happened. But don't let this be swept under the rug.

I wouldn't block the sites, I would watch what he does. You want to find out if he would like to lead a secret life, and you can't just ask him, because they lie.

I can't even be around him without getting so angry..

He said last night that if we're going to fix this I would have to forgive him. And I know he is 100 percent right, but it's only been a few days! How am I supposed to brush it off so soon?!

He quickly offered up that maybe he should get counseling by himself because "you're perfect and need no work! I'm the one who needs help." I feel like he's just saying that to satisfy me. It seems ingenuine.

No my dear, you need answers. You need to find out the truth of your life. He would prefer to just continue on like nothing happened.

Counseling might be good. Your counselor could confront him.

You know, the internet is very tempting. He needs to realise that he has to have integrity when it comes to you no matter whether you are there are not, no matter whether you find out or not. I think its good you found out now. Maybe he has learned from his mistake. Maybe this is so much better than finding out later, once its too late.

Infidelity to me is more than having sex with another person. There is emotional betrayal too. What he has done is wrong, very wrong. But it is easily done. If he realises the error of what he has done, and regrets it with his whole being, then you can be ok.

I once almost had an affair with a man I worked with and traveled to other cities with on business. It was an affair, though we never the 'deed'. We went as close as we could. This was so not me. When my partner found out I regretted it so much. I work in a male dominated field, so men were always there. When this one made me feel so pretty and special, giving me so much attention, it was hard to resist. It did not mean I did not love my partner. Its hard to explain. but the important thing I want you to know is that I never did it again. I made sure I kept a distance between all the men I worked with so I would never let anyone close to me to tempt me. My partner meant everything to me. For a year I went through his pain, him calling me unflattering things in rages that were a result of the pain he felt from my betrayal. I waited until it stopped and I never ever let that have a chance of happening again.

If your husband is just as regretful and ashamed of his behaviour, then there is a chance for you. You guys might be all the better for it. I would suggest counseling though, because you are hurt and the trust you had in him is broken. He will need to earn your trust, and to understand you are hurt. Fight for your marriage. You can be ok. Just know where the line is. Work out what you need to be ok and then focus on getting there.

Hugs,

I really really appreciate what you said Rainbowblue. It helped a lot.

If he is dealing with SA issues (which it sounds like, to me), there is probably more to it than meets the eye. SA's are incredibly adept at keeping secrets.

My intent is not to make you panic, but for you to seek out the truth.

A keylogger is a good first step.

Don't bother hounding him with questions.