WAy to go Scared! You are absolutely right about her trustworthiness. She is probably hiding receipts or other evidence of gifts she's bought for OM. But it's absolutely true - people are usually guilty of that which they suspect others of.

You have done the right thing by taking away the money. I would get her name off of everything as well. It's very common for waywards to go deep into debt and ruin their credit. She's a high risk for that given that she hasn't even started working yet. Don't let her bring you down with her.

Anyway, with respect to OM's DD, the best way to expose would be to get his phone number and then call when you are certain he's not home (i.e. when he's at the gym). This way you don't really "know" how old the girl is. I wouldn't attempt to meet her face to face at her school or anything - that could be perceived as stalking. But over the phone is fine.

You will not be allowed access to the 17 year old on school property. If you are allowed access to her, whoever allowed you access will be in big trouble. Think of your own children, would you want a stranger to be allowed access to them at their school?

I know you have a well deserved purpose to your need to contact her, but you cannot do this on school property. Others will give you suggestions on how you CAN get this information to her, I am only saying the way that you cannot get this information to her

Very good job Scared. One day of victory for you and your family. But, it is just one battle in a long war. Sometimes, you wont win.

But, the one who has a plan (she doesnt...not really) and sticks to it will come out the winner. Be ready to go over and above...to go the extra ten miles. In EVERY area.

Make sure you are documenting EVERYTHING. Every conversation. Everything you do. Write a journal everyday, including what your wife says and does. It is admissable in court! It will help you explain to the court why you did many of the things you have and will do.

Great job on the ring. Give it to your wife when she returns...NOT to the alien WW that currently inhabits her body!

On the car, you have already seeded to her that you are selling the car (if she is confused on which one, that is her problem!). Make sure you document this in your journal also! Then, get out this weekend to a local dealership or somewhere and sell it. Dont mess yourself over by accepting just anything for it...but also dont sit around for weeks and months looking for a great price. Just see what you can get thru various avenues and then take the best one. One great way to do this is to take the car to a used car dealership (dont let her know which one you take it to...and dont take it to one down the street where she can see it!) and have them sell it on there on consignment. Basically, they will sell the car for you (for whatever agreed upon price) and they will take a cut once the car is sold. That allows you to get the car out of the house and away from her...and to get a good price for it.

Your wife is up to something. She does have a plan of escape right now, which is evidenced by her not wanting you to see what is in her purse...and by her not even fighting the issue on the credit cards. So, be ready for her plan to go forward, and some of it to even catch you by surprise.

As I learned in 21 years in the Army, all plans go out the window once we make first contact with the enemy. You will need to be ready to make adjustments on the fly!

Hire the PI or some online company to get his phone number, and call his house. Do NOT meet the daughter in person - very dangerous legally!

Great job, though! Oh, and take her ring to work with you, and anything else you think she may take to a pawn shop that you don't want to lose. Be prepared for stuff to start going missing at home.

Do not go near that school. Girl is a minor. OM as her parent can press charges against you.

Catperson,

The ring is well hidden. I am not excited about taking it to work for security reasons. She has also been given alot of nice jewelry from my mother, some of which are expensive and, more importantly, some of heirlooms. I will want them back.

I think that the selling of the car went over her head, because I said I was going to sell MY car and give her half of the proceeds. I've been locking my car and I took away the spare set of keys. I'm concerned that selling the car is something that is cutting off my nose to spite my face. Should I tell her that I'm going to sell it and offer her to buy it for half the selling price, since I was going to give her half the proceeds, anyway?

Things will be alot easier when she goes back to work. I don't trust her around the house. At least the kids are off from school, and I exposed to my neighbor across the street and asked that he keep an eye out. My next door neighbor (the hawk who we would never speak to because of that) is on board with WW, and WW is confiding in her. Thus, she has become the enemy also. By the way, that next door neighbor left her family several years ago and her children have not been in contact with her ever since. Here we go again, WW is confiding in the wrong bunch of people.

When I took the money away yesterday, I told her that I would not finance her affair, but if she stopped the affair, then we can talk again. I often reference that this is the choice she has made, and she says, "Yup, you're right".

When she walked by, it looked like she had a bag in her hand and I said, "Good, are you leaving?" She said, "Not without the kids". Later on, I went downstairs and told her that she could leave and I would sign and affadavit saying that if she left that I wouldn't consider it abandonment. She said she wouldn't leave the house without the kids. Little does she realize, my son is leaning my way, because he was asking if he had to move if mom left.

Thank you for that guidance. I didn't know that.

DO NOT go near the daughter.

Dunno if you have one near you, but CarMax gave us a GREAT deal when they bought my (gag, vurp) mini-van.

They'll get you in and out in under a few hours, and you don't even have to buy another car there. They'll just buy your old one and letcha go.

I'm gonna up that a bit.

I WOULD not tell a MINOR at all.

That girl is A CHILD.

A

CHILD.

It's HER MOTHER'S job to break this to her...or any other TRUSTED FAMILY member...not yours.

If the child was of age, yes...but 17 years is not long enough to be in this world to process this amount of hurt by herself. She needs a loving hand to help her through it...and yours is not the hand to do it.

I'm sorry.

But I disagree with anyone who would encourage the outing of adultry to a minor by a fellow victim of the infidelity.

It's just too twisted in an already twisted mess.

Is her momma around anywhere to be told?

Then take them!


Why is it that you want her to have a car? Why is it that you want to make it easier on her to leave (especially since she has said that she is going to take the kids with her)? Sell the car. Then she will have to go out with them oney she has (which isnt much) and buy herself a new one. I am not sure how selling the car and making her get her own is cutting off your nose.


Which means she has a plan! And she is pursuing it. You need to disrupt it as much as possible (the car being sold will help!). Do not make it easy on her to leave or destroy your marriage.


Never do that again! Do not offer her that! You want her to abandon them. You want her to have to go find a place she cant afford, buy a car she cant afford and try to provide for children she cant afford...and in the meantime messing herself over when it comes to the court.

Only offer redemption and reconciliation. Leave the negotiations on divorce and separation to the attorneys. I used to tell my wife "I am not going to discuss divorce with you. I will discuss reconciliation. If you want to talk divorce, then talk to my attorney."

Please be careful what you say and what you offer. And get that car sold!

You have been getting some good pointers.

In short - make the marriage/reconciliation more attractive than the OM/Affair.

Cause as much havoc in Affairland as possible. As MM said on the prev post - cause as much financial strain to the A partners.

Stay away from D or sep talk for now.

The home and therefore the M should be the lighthouse in the middle of the storm. Your WW is in a dark place and may not know it at this time but will have to come to grips with it soon enough.

Hang in there - listen to the vets.

She's being coy - watch out!
WW's like yours have been quick to call the cops and file fake claims of abuse.

Keep very far away from any verbal or physical confontations right now.

Right now is the time to do something unexpected and loving toward her.

Make her breakfast
Buy her a stuffed animal
Pay her compliments
Make her a CD of music

think of something she does not expect from you - and do it (without any expectations of a 'thanks' on your part)


Next time - leave off the "good".


She's got an attorney ..... find out how she's paying her attorney

Pep makes a great point. Keep meeting ENs while doing this. You should still use every opportunity to do so, even while protecting your assets, children and causing pain in affairland.

OK, the $h1t hit the fan tonight. WW was upstairs still at 7:30 or so, so I figured she was staying home, which is fairly typical for a weeknight, when she spends the entire evening texting back and forth with the OM. Well, I disconnected her cell phone from the plan and she left about 10 minutes later, telling the kids that they could call her if they needed her. Evidently, she didn't know yet. I just assumed that she was going to leave as soon as she realized I cut her off.

Well, about 30 minutes later, she called each of their cell phones from the OM's cell phone!!!!! How stupid was that!!! She finally came home around 12:30 (I was asleep), had my daughter come into the room and ask "what if I wanted to call Mom?", while she was standing nearby.

WW kept saying that all I am trying to do is to hurt her, but I'm actually hurting the children - first by cutting off the finances which I did yesterday and now the phone. I told her that I wasn't going to enable her adulterous affair, and that this is the choice she made. She made some comment about our marriage being over 5 years ago, or some crap like that.

WW is feeding my daughter a bunch of whitewash garbage, as she pulled her into their room and had a discussion with her. When I took a moment to tell my daughter that I was fighting to save the marriage and mom wasn't, WW came storming in and said I am trying to brainwash the children.

WW seems to be gaining support from my daughter (13), but I don't think she's getting it from my son (14+), who is a little older. I also told her that Satan has taken her over and Lord have mercy on her. Until a year or so ago, WW was a devout Christian, but has not been to church in over a year.

I'm not quite sure if these would be classified as emotional outbursts, because I was "relatively" calm, but kept reiterating that I'm not here to support and enable her affair. Have her OM put her on his cell phone plan. She thinks I'm intentionally trying to hurt her. That's not far from the truth, but I'm taking everyone's advice and trying to fight the affair. I feel like I'm only making her more angry and removed.

She also made a comment that she was going to file for spousal support. I said "good luck" because she'll be making nearly as much as me, and then it'll be time for her to start paying expenses round the house.

Good job. Keep fighting to save your marriage.

Let your WW get angry. As previously stated before, they do that. She will tell you that she was gonna stay home and work things out with you, but no way she will do it now. Not after what you did.

All hogwash!

Next thing you need to cut off is her membership to the gym. Do it tomorrow. The earlier, the better. Let OM foot the bill for everything. After all, if they are so in love and happy together, shouldn't he WANT to do these things for her?

And, get that car sold! ASAP!

I don't expect her to say she is interested in working things out.


Cutting off gym membership is not really necessary. She pays every month by check and she no longer has the checkbook.


This will take alot of convincing, and I'm not close yet. This is where I think it'll be the straw that broke the camel's back. While I'm legally allowed to do it, it may create a war between lawyers, because that will put my WW on the war path. I'll also lose a ton of respect from her family members. Of all things, I think this act would be vindictive, and it also keeps her from being able to go to work to bring home money that I'll need to justify avoiding or minimizing spousal support.

Then insist that she pay you half of the amount of the blue book value.

Have you told your kids she is having an affair? They are certainly old enough to understand what she is doing, and Harley says it is paramount that you show the kids that what she's doing is wrong. They have to learn that As are immoral and wrong and destructive, or they'll do it, too. You are NOT LBing by telling the children the truth.

Agree totally with Cat. Especially since your WW is adamant about dragging the kids right into your arguments. Tell your kids that Mom has a boyfriend and doesn't want to give him up. Since she can't be married and have a boyfriend at the same time, you are trying to get her to ditch the boyfriend. Make it crystal clear to the kids that everything that is going on now, and about to happen, is due to HER choices.