Have you ever done the Ben Franklin test where you list pros and cons and then do whichever one is longer? Well, when I list the pros of staying married there are like 3 or 4, vs about 80 cons of staying married.

The problem is that the pros of staying married are the kids and I still love him a little. Those pros seem to carry more weight to me than the cons that are little and stupid like I can wear my fave perfume again (the one he hates).

It's weird because I'm the (F)WW. Why has BH stayed (sp?) for almost 3 years if he doesnt' want to? Literally every 2 weeks I have to beg to stay married- at least for the kids. He says he wants to move out for a trial separation just to get away from me. But he could just do it, not tell me, whatever..... Serioulsy, he is mad at me just because I exist. I can't do anything right, no matter what I do that I'm proved to be trustworthy does not count, he says he can never trust me again. For almost 3 years I have been open and honest. THere are absolutely things I still need to work on, things that are important to him, and I am- and I do struggle. But I am NOT that person! I did something wrong, something I know God has forgiven me for. I know BH has to forgive me on his time and in his way, if he ever chooses to.

But I feel like I am ALWAYS walking on eggshells- from getting the house the way he wants it with very little help from him, to paying almost all the bills. To literally begging him to stay. I want to NOT do that, but I just feel like I have to fix this since I am the one who broke it, and I have to do ALL I can to keep this family intact for my little children who need 2 parents. But if my daughter's husband EVER treated me like mine is treating me, I'd tell her to run far and fast, no matter HOW many children she had......

Same stuff, different day.....it is never going to get better, is it.....

Not until the two of you begin to work some of the MB principles into your M.

Some personal boundaries would be helpful as well!

howtoheal (Hi M r s R! )

If you change nothing, nothing changes...

I have LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG thought Plan B was in order for you, and I still think that...

What do you think?

Mrs. W

Call his bluff let him move out.

Next time BH pulls his I want to leave, don't respond, let alone beg him to stay. If he repeats himself respond that you and the kids will miss and need him. Then change the subject.

If he perists then you can say: wow your going to have a hard road not from just taking care of his own place but still supporting the current home for the family.

Then change the subject. Leave the room if necessary.

HTH,

Nothing will change until you do.

You stop begging for him to stay every two weeks. Respect him more...listen and repeat what he says...thank him for sharing his thoughts, feelings...good to know.

Ben Franklin was an adulterer...you might want to shorten your list to "do the right thing."

Your experience of your BH is that you can't do anything right.

Is that even close to the truth? Are you staying transparent to him, reporting your whereabouts, informing him of how you maintained your new boundaries, radical honesty, listening to what your BH says and really hearing his stuff--his fears, concerns, pain, anger, regrets?

You have not proven you are trustworthy...you are currently doing your half to rebuild trust...I adjusted this because blind trust is harmful...and you may be trustworthy right now...unless you stay transparent, you won't be. You duped yourself into mauling your family and your life...don't blindly trust yourself, either.

So your statement is no more true than his...yes, he may be saying he will never choose to trust you blindly again...which is great...because that is a form of disrespect and fantasy in itself. He may be saying he does not choose to trust you right now...and that is a loss he can grieve...maybe is grieving...blind trust has a big payoff for us...we like it in so many ways...because of the feelings it gives.

Doesn't make it real or a really healthy choice.

Why are there things, after three years, that you need to work on? That, I don't get. This was your ONE shot after decimating your family...doing all you can do to repair what you did, and accept your choices cannot be undone...what is there left for you to work on? What is it you're still doing you need to work on?

Maybe you mean, continue acting differently?

Have you done gotten to why you did something wrong? What your thinking was, and how and why you won't do it again? I believe you aren't the person you were...and I believe you can become that person again by making the old choices. Thinking the old way...and deceive yourself into it again.

When you walk on eggshells you are in full mode control freaking...stop walking on eggshells. Make new boundaries for your own behavior...get some help, go to Alanon, read a lot of books on codependency...because you haven't changed your choices.

You can't fix humans...they aren't broken. You can choose to fight for your marriage, to do your part...and choose new beliefs...like to beg is to manipulate, coerce, shame and guilt.

The road to redemption isn't done, HTH if you are still working on things...if you aren't following the rules of a great marriage, if you aren't respecting his choices as his own...minding your focus on your actions, your new boundaries...for when you hold yourself to them (boundary of respect, consideration, honesty), you'll hold him to them, as well.

Before you chose to have an A, do you remember telling yourself nearly this same thing? "But if my daughter's husband EVER treated me like mine is treating me, I'd tell her to run far and fast, no matter HOW many children she had......"

and this

"Same stuff, different day.....it is never going to get better, is it....."?

For you are saying you believe YOUR misery is based on HIS actions...so will your daughter. She'll go from man to man to man believing if only she chooses the right partner...instead of being one.

Be one, HTH...your time to shine and the change your choices...even of thoughts...where you dwell...what you live by...where you act from (love or fear)...and how you lead your children IS your redemption from here on out. BH may not choose to forgive you and struggles mightily with this...because he believes you broke something too precious to be recovered...and he can't reconcile feeling like the bad guy, the perpetrator...for he had the right to end the marriage.

And he didn't.

His stuff, his issues...are you safe to be shared with? Not to fix his feelings, change his mind, change his perspective of the past or present...are you safe to know his stuff?

Maybe it's contagious...himself feeling like a failure (you deserted him, second best), a loser, a fraud, a bad guy...because of what you did...that you now see him as one, too.

What if you're both humans, yearning to know and be known, to understand and be understood? How would your marriage change today?

What if you acted as the team you are?

Your choices...where your thoughts dwell, your DJs, labels, assignments, mulling over do I stay or do I go...when you chose the marriage, amends, redemption, recovery...doesn't sound like you went all in. You still are working on stuff...right? Three years later...tell us what you've changed, hold yourself to doing differently now...

So you can show your daughter how to deal with rejection, conflict, intense pain, scars, and enforce healthy boundaries...so she will know how to live, too...regardless of others.

LA

Where's that reverse fog babble thread? I think it could be useful here.