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Odd question I think, but coming to these forums may not be the healthiest thing for a person in Plan B. I'm supposed to be forgetting about her or at least getting my mind off of her and focusing on me right? Sometimes I feel like coming hear and reading all of this isn't so healthy. It gets me down a lot.
BH 37
WW 33
Married 11-22-03
DS-4
DSS - 10
D-Day 10-23-08
She Moved out to apartment 10-28-08
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Explain why it gets you down.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Odd question I think, but coming to these forums may not be the healthiest thing for a person in Plan B. I'm supposed to be forgetting about her or at least getting my mind off of her and focusing on me right? Sometimes I feel like coming hear and reading all of this isn't so healthy. It gets me down a lot. I said that a few years ago. Then I drifted from the Harley principles and my W had an affair. Some of the stories here are heartwrenching, others are encouraging. Hopefully you can pick the board you need at a given time and get good advice and support. But.....if you use it just to follow soap operas, a lot of these situations end badly, and it is depressing. MB is just to give your marriage the BEST CHANCE, and a lot of them arrive here already in critical condition. so...it is what you do with it...
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Sometimes I feel like coming hear and reading all of this isn't so healthy. It gets me down a lot. If this is the case then I don't think you should come here. And that's okay.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Yes if you use this improperly (like to dwell on negativity, or to punish yourself, or whatever) anything can become a bad thing. for example, I think I spend too much time here just because I should be doing other things.
But if you are in PB and need some uplifting, we can do that too. Sometimes you may need folks to distract you with humor... but still understand when you need to vent... and also be there for a word of quick advice when needed. That's the way I see ppl using this forum for good in PB.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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It helps me to procrastinate at work!
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Come here when you feel that you need to. Such as to vent. For many sharing that they are a BH at work or with friends may be too much.
Where else can you get support to run your plan B?
In the end you come here when you want to, and stay away when you want to.
Last edited by TheRoad; 12/30/08 05:56 PM.
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another point is, if you are working within the Harley system, then this is a great place to get advice and support.
Obvious, but the alternative is leaning on friends who do not get the program. I've had a lot of friends and family members say "kick her to the curb!", "file for divorce" "it will never be the same" and versions of that.
If that is all you hear in your life, and you don't hear the success stories here, game over.
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Well I am steadfastly in Plan A, W_R and also feel that like you, I felt better about things before I started on here.
Now however, 2 weeks later, I can't keep away. I am reading more and more and from both points of view. It's really helping me understand things.
Also, as someonel else said, it's a great place for support. We all know what you are going through and how you are attempting to handle it.
Stick with it and read the success stories, pick out the bits you find useful for now and forget the rest.
Me: 50 W: 45 M 24 T 26 S:23 S:21 WAW 15/8/08 Reconcile 07/10/08 (her decision) Sep Again 13/12/08 (her decision) Do I need to be more assertive? 
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Thanks everyone. I guess I was thinking that things are looking like divorce for me, my wife is moved out, pretty much hates me and we don't talk. If I keep coming here and looking at things I won't ever stop focusing on my situation and grow. But at the same time, I don't want to give up so it's a catch 22. If I don't focus on the situation some, knowing myself, I'll probably move on and give up. If I do that I know I will someday down the road regret not doing everything I could to save our marriage. If I stay looking here, I keep the pain closer to me. I guess that's part of it though.
BH 37
WW 33
Married 11-22-03
DS-4
DSS - 10
D-Day 10-23-08
She Moved out to apartment 10-28-08
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Thanks everyone. I guess I was thinking that things are looking like divorce for me, my wife is moved out, pretty much hates me and we don't talk. If I keep coming here and looking at things I won't ever stop focusing on my situation and grow. But at the same time, I don't want to give up so it's a catch 22. If I don't focus on the situation some, knowing myself, I'll probably move on and give up. If I do that I know I will someday down the road regret not doing everything I could to save our marriage. If I stay looking here, I keep the pain closer to me. I guess that's part of it though. I always thought that, worse case scenario, educating myself here to be a better spouse would at least help my next relationship be healthy. So, two birds with one stone...
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WR,
The more you read here the more you will find situations applicable to your own. Its not all good but you do get a 360 degree perspective on the issues.
I think this site is more important for men than it is for women as it seems more devastating on average for men when their wives cheat than vice-versa.
I was lucky enough to find this site before my wife cheated, although if I kept I was behaving as I had, then I suspect she was affair material within 2 years or less.
As Mike_C2 pointed out that is where you are in respect to your next relationship/marriage if the current one fails.
Better late than never, wish I had found this site 10 years ago.
God Bless
NJ
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I know that coming here can cause one to dwell. Not all M are meant to be or will be saved. Coming here and reading of success might cause some to question what they view to be failure. Failure as in not the intended result. What you need to realize is, this is not because you failed. I know many folks successful and divorced continue to come here everydays many years after being struck by adultry. For their own reasons, also to help and assist others. I would highly recommended testing theory by avoiding the forum for awhile. If that helps you, you have your answer. Just stop by every once and awhile and let us know your alive  -JKT
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wr, you have to weigh the good with the bad and see where you come out. Some people have such a hard time in plan B that they couldn't do it without the forum. That might not be the case with you.
Others, like you, focus on the negative aspects, which brings you down. If it isn't keeping you in a healthy place, then I agree you should stop coming for awhile..or forever.
Its really funny how we all view this forum. Some view this as a place of despair and sorrow, I view this as a place of WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES. I am not talking sentimental, feel-good smack either.
When I come here and read threads, I actually feel EXCITED with hope. This is a HOPEFUL PLACE for me, not a sad place. This is a place of HOPE that is blessed by God.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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wr, you have to weigh the good with the bad and see where you come out. Some people have such a hard time in plan B that they couldn't do it without the forum. That might not be the case with you.
Others, like you, focus on the negative aspects, which brings you down. If it isn't keeping you in a healthy place, then I agree you should stop coming for awhile..or forever.
Its really funny how we all view this forum. Some view this as a place of despair and sorrow, I view this as a place of WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES. I am not talking sentimental, feel-good smack either.
When I come here and read threads, I actually feel EXCITED with hope. This is a HOPEFUL PLACE for me, not a sad place. This is a place of HOPE that is blessed by God. I think, looking back on, what, 9 years participating here, it was invaluable when I was actively working on some crisis. But for a few years I hung around and "counseled" and just kind of got caught in some of the heartbreak dramas... Your mileage may vary. Anyway, learning to improve your relation skills through MB can never hurt no matter what the future brings.
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But for a few years I hung around and "counseled" and just kind of got caught in some of the heartbreak dramas... I don't consider myself a counselor, maybe that is how we differ, but helping others here has been one of the most fulfilling personal experiences of my life. I get great personal satisfaction out of seeing others restore their marriages as I have.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think this site is more important for men than it is for women as it seems more devastating on average for men when their wives cheat than vice-versa. With all due respect NewJersey, your statement above it not true. Regardless if the BS is male or female, marital betrayal is an equal opportunity wreaking machine. Men AND women are both devistated beyond words when it happens to them, therefore this site is equally IMPORTANT for both genders. Jo
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I think this site is more important for men than it is for women as it seems more devastating on average for men when their wives cheat than vice-versa. With all due respect NewJersey, your statement above it not true. Regardless if the BS is male or female, marital betrayal is an equal opportunity wreaking machine. Men AND women are both devistated beyond words when it happens to them, therefore this site is equally IMPORTANT for both genders. Jo Well, I suspect our culture is more damning of a WW, but, pain is pain. As far as marital recovery, you need two to tango, so I think this site is equally important.
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Dr. Harley: "My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems. "
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I suspect our culture is more damning of a WW, but, pain is pain. We were not discussing wayward's pain. If you carefully RE-read mine and NewJersey’s posts (which you quoted), our discussion was specifically about BETRAYED SPOUSES and whether betrayed husbands are more devastated than betrayed wives. And NOT about Wayward’s pain. Jo
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