Hi - My wife and I are having monetary conflicts among other issues and I've lost so much perspective that I'm not sure if there is hope for the marriage or if its better to divorce. A (hopefully) brief history of our relationship:

We've been married for 7 years. 2 months after meeting, she was pregnant. We got married after our son was born. She already had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and I have one older son. She's always had what I consider a strange outlook on money -when we met she had a small part time job that only brought in $250 a month that she considered all her own, wheras the money I earned went to pay for everything. I didn't mind paying for everything since she was a stay-at-home mom. In our 3rd year of marriage her mother had cancer and lived with us until she died. During this time my wife couldn't handle the loss and became addicted to pain killers. She got off of them but relapsed after her mom died. I had to set up an intervention for her to get help. This was about a year and a half ago. Just prior to this time I started my own business and last year made the most I've ever had in my life (2-1/2 times my previous salary) We both spent more, bought a couple of cars, went on vacation etc. At the end of the year I couldn't figure out why we didn't have money in the bank, so I tracked finances really closely and just chalked it up to our increased spending. This year, my take home started dropping rapidly, and I kept telling my wife we needed to cut down, she refused to be on any kind of budget. She really wanted a nice camera - one that cost over $700, and I told her I didn't think we should get that now because we were spending more than what I was making. She went ahead and bought the camera anyway- saying that I was just trying to control her. Finally I got out the old expense sheet and concluded that we were spending an average of 3,500 more a month than I was bringing in - the shortage would each month go on our line of credit tied to the house. We had to make drastic cuts, or we will lose the house - I asked my wife for any help at all, to supplement my reduced income, but she is not on board to getting a regular job other than some craft-making she sells, and she refuses to give up things like having her nails done and expensive hair stying salon. She doesn't want to give up the car she drives - an expensive SUV, even though it has the highest payments and the highest outstanding balance. She will not sit down and talk with me about where we need to make cuts, because there are some difficult decisions to make. I've made as many cuts as I can - cancelling newspaper, other services etc. All of the kids are gone to school for 7 hours during the day but she maintains that she needs to be at home for them so would not look at anything that wasn't part time. One more kicker - my business I operate at home - the dream of every worker - and she has always resented that I'm home, feeling that I'm looking over what she's doing all the time. She has suggested to me that I need to be gone a couple of days a week to give her her space. These fights about money are draining - I'm always the bad guy. We have little to no intimacy, and I am always on thin ice. To me, it feels like I've been just used and I get angry when I know she spends the majority of the day watching tv shows or surfing the internet.

My question to the wise people on this board is - does this marriage sound salvageable? At times I just want to walk out, but I don't because of the kids, and deep down I feel I still love her.

Hi Practicle Guy, and welcome to the discussion board,
If you are here and posting you are really searching for answers. Good for you!!
You may not get many responses here General topic II is much busier, so you may want to repost there...
But, in the meantime, whether anyone answers or not, keep reading threads. You will learn so much here. It is amazing how strong you will feel, capable to resolve conflict, and sound structure for accepting hard truths.

I wish you all the best and keep reading...:D

Financial issues are an intimacy killer. You are in a difficult situation. I don't understand how she can be like that, but I have heard it is not unusual. Maybe try counseling to see if that can get through to her. She needs to see sense. I mean if you divorced, she would likely not be able to pay for the SUV, or her nails. Marriage is a partnership. These days it is an equal partnership.

An option for you is to have a separate account. Put the money in there, and look after your family the best way possible. Whose name is the SUV in? You can out your foot down (nicely) and sell it. Think of it this way, if she agreed with whatever you decided, do you know how you would manage your finances and what decisions you would make? What would you do to handle things? So what is stopping you? Maybe you can get the money you earn into your own account, and she spends what money she makes. Is that something that would be better than it is right now? You can't let yourselves lose the house because you do not take control. if she accuses you of being controlling so you just back down? You taking control of finances when she will not be responsible is simply you being responsible. Always welcome her into the decision making process. But don't let her accusing you of being of controlling make you bankrupt.

Try to get her to understand finances. Show her the budget, or the payments and your income. Do it together. Ask her for her advice, what does she think you both need to do?

That said, of course, such action would cause her much negative emotions and cause further issues in your marriage. So there needs to be something to help that side of things.

I just don't know how to help. I'm rambling because I'd like to help. But I can tell you this problem is not unusual so there must be people out there experienced to help you, help you resolve the financial issues and at the same time heal your marriage. Your marriage could well be stronger and better for it. It would seem likely that in these cases, the wife needs to hear things from an independent person, rather the husband to actually have it sink in.

All the best.

The easiest thing to do is create a separate account, put your money in there, feed her an 'allowance' of what you think is appropriate ($300/month or so), and if she wants more than that, she can figure out how to earn the money.