My WW has ended her affair, and NC is established to the best of my knowledge. This quote (from the "Inside the Wayward Mind" thread) describes where we are right now really well:


Right now I feel like I'm being placated (she has set up NC and she's "trying in her own way" to get over the OM, and she thinks this is enough and that I should be happy with that effort). My question is, what does REAL recovery look like? What type of behavior should I expect from my WW when she really wants to start rebuilding our M?

You are perhaps at cusp of REAL recovery at this moment. If NC holds then your wife will inch by inch step by step begin to focus her attention back towards you and the marriage. It’s all about “NO CONTACT” at this stage. Her proclamation of NC is a proclamation at giving the marriage another chance. For it to work it requires that you do the same. The next several weeks will reveal just how successful you each are. She of course could break NC and shut the recovery down. You of course, could simply decide that you do not wish to stay married to her.

Recovery is a process, not an event. That is why it takes so long to complete. As the fog lifts from your wife, there will be many changes. It is up to both of you to become students and then “experts” at love and relationships. That is your biggest assignment, hers too. You have tremendous opportunity at your fingertips to build a lifelong loving committment that will put you and her into a place that most everyone will envy.

Mr. G

NC is a bit funny with us though. She hasn't contacted OM in almost a month, but that is probably more because OM hasn't contacted WW. His phone, email, etc is all blocked too. Sometimes I ask her though what she would do if he found a way to contact her (would she respond or would she stick w/ NC), and she always says, "I don't know". So yes, NC is in place, but it's not really a commitment from WW, it's just a reality of the situation. Does that make sense?

It sure does.

It seems that the OM is trying to save his marriage too. That is very good. Do you think he reads these forums?
Does your wife read here?

Mr. G

IP705,

FWIW, my WW too ended her A due to the OM cutting her off. In fact, my W was devastated; I still remember the look of despair the day she got dumped. She seemed to take it harder than D-Day hit me.

Fast forward 15 months and I am happy to say we are getting along swimmingly. It would have been better, however, had she taken the initiative to end her A in order to work on the M. I think I would have much more respect for her if she did.

Have you exposed? I did even after the A was over and I think it greatly helped with NC. OM eventually initiated contact with her but we had started MC and the fog was lifting. She told him to p##s off (get lost). I have no indication that there has been any contact since.

Plan A your butt off. Be the best H you can be.

Best of luck.

- Sh0cked

I have no idea if OM or OMW read these forums, I haven't spoken with either of them since d-day. It does seem like OM is trying to work on his M, but who knows how well that will work out.

Should I be worried that there's no commitment to NC on the part of my WW? I really don't believe that there will ever be an affair again, but WW just doesn't assign the same level of importance or urgency to NC that I do.

My WW ended the affair (she told me while the A was still going on), but I get the feeling she'd start contact again if she thought OM (also married) would be on board.

So it looks like the consensus is that "recovery" is too much of a process to actually define when starts?

Basically right now it seems like WW is limping back into the marriage based on her feelings, not on any mental commitment. If it's all based on feelings, what happens if her feelings change again?

The timeline for recovery is in the newborn stage...which means your WW is in withdrawal.

Tough times remain for the BS during this period. You're gonna wanna skip to "real" recovery...

you're already in it.

See, it's like taking bitter medicine...you want to get over the sickness, yet NC cuts you off from the fantasy...so reality is bitter. Right now.

Gets sweeter when reality keeps breaking through the fog...verify NC on your own and know your WW is taking that medicine for The Marriage right now. Which is huge.

She justified her choices before based on you...and her adultery torn at The Marriage. You wouldn't do that to The Marriage, even though you might want to hurt your WW badly.

There's the difference..the light...the big change. Being able to take the bitter medicine right now, to get healthy...instead of what you used to do (WW I mean)...which is changing your choices, isn't it?

What you most wanted? Get through this withdrawal period...because it's a shock to the system after taking the drug (which was really poison) that seemed to taste like heaven...and turned out to be killing what she really loved...her marriage to you.

A year-long+ A may take three to four months to go through withdrawal...you've come this far, being brave and true...you didn't get here by judging her into reconciliation and ending her affair...did you?

Don't do that now to yourself...I went through two months of the wait to see if my WH would choose the marriage or choose to end it. Pain time drags on...my choice to go through that...and ironically, most of this was withdrawal time for him...though there was contact, our MC was supporting the withdrawal, explaining it like mourning, loss, grief, etc...tore at my guts...and DH did end up choosing the marriage.

And he told me during that time his anger and frustration...his base fear..."If I don't think about her, then I won't have feelings for her if I choose to leave our marriage for her in two months."

I thank God that I listened and repeated that back then...didn't bash, AO or DJ him...didn't mother by scolding shaming or berating...in that moment, I repeated back...acknowledged I heard his thought, his fear.

Withdrawal is hard for both...still part of recovery...don't require of her to be gung-ho and on board with saving the marriage she wrecked yet...she's been in a habit, and withdrawal breaks it.

Stick with Plan A and bringing reality. Change your own habits now...see, then you'll already be doing that together...back as a team...not because you're on the same page, same goal, same timeline (you're not)...because you're both doing it.

Choose hope...not as a plan...as your own choice. Because it's yours, it's real and you can do this. You're that strong, that brave and see where you stun yourself. Don't get scooped into her stuff...don't make it fact, portent, prediction. That's an LB to your marriage and is fantasy.

LA

Strong words LA! Yours and all these replies are helping me get to DDay +6 days.

Man, this place is wonderful. What would I have done without it?

Great to see you are still around, SD. I am really sorry that my Wildcats gave those Jayhawks such a beating on the hardwood last week...

DNU1, there is no easy fix. This is a 1000 mile journey and you have taken just a few steps. As my "Master Po" (Shattered Dreams) once told me, progress is measured in months, not days. You are already on the path - NC is in place. This is far better than where you were last month...

Do not pressure her - it will drive her away. Instead, tend to her, be her friend, and try to keep it light.

Keep posting - you are getting advice from the best!

- Sh0cked

sh0cked! Thanks for the cudos! Sometimes excellent students make teachers look good! The Jayhawks certainly got a wake up call from your beloved Wildcats, but that's ok...they are young (very) and this will build the character of the team. Look out for the next three years. They have some super freshmen in development.

I got 2nd row, mid court tickets to the Jayhawks vs. Albany University last night and couldn't have had more fun. There are few places to attend a NCAA Div 1 basketball with more tradition than Allen Field House in Lawrence. The experience is a feeling of walking on hallowed ground!

Glad you are still posting and helping folks!