Can anyone help with what Im going to go through When WW wife is in withdrawl? what can I do that would help? what not to do, It was an ongoing affair for 6 months ,She just broke up with OM, Married 27 yrs,1st One for both of us, 1St infideltiy. Thanks

Well, here is what I have experienced so far in the last few days:

WW hates me, never wants to have anything to do with me, is contemplating suicide or just running away from everything, and also still hasn't gone NC with him, even though she's said several times that she has.

So, yeah. Expect lots more drama.

Were you able to find the help you were seeking for your wife, i.e. a helpful FWW?

Mr. G

That sounds about on the mark.

The reality is that it takes a good deal of time for the fog to lift and for your wife to again experience two rational thoughts together. How much time, you ask? Well, it’s hard to say as the level of emotional attachment and your wife’s stamina will be the determining factor. After a couple of weeks you should begin to see something positive. For many in your position, it takes a month or two for the feelings of attachment to subside.

What are you doing in the meantime?

Mr. G

Well Mr G you asked if I had found the help Im looking for for my wife . The honest answer is very little, I really need FWW , to post with there expiriences and how they had the strength to do it , how they are better off today . Women have a way off seeing the world and what happens around them in a way that is invisable to a man . They are much more trusting and open to each other. I will ask one more time If there are any FWW that feel they could contribute in a constructive way to the post "How to be successful in staying away from other person" PLEASE do so , thanks, ps I will bump her post

Sorry you are going through this, but prepare for a rollercoster ride. It's been 1 year since D-day and 5 false recoveries. Why? Stubborn WH can't get through withdraws. The longest NC lasted 3 weeks. Yep -- 3 lousy weeks. I saw the anger and depression each time. I followed MB advice. Back off -- leave him alone -- let him get through it. He will not accept any love bank deposits while in withdraw. Wait for it to end then work on the marriage. Keep him busy. So I followed this advice.

Guess what? One phone call, a few text messages, and another threat that if he didn't come see her she's take her life. That's all it took. He went to POSOW's home, spent the night, and moved out from our home again to be with her.

My advice? The more stubborn the WS, the longer withdraws take. When he left to see her, I don't think I could have stopped him without physically restraining him. He was like a dog willing to break through a barb wire fence for a [censored] in heat.

Comparisons to the alcoholic are spot on. WH is willing to lose everything for a drink from the bar. Unfortunately, the bar is always open and available and willing to travel to provice her poison!!!

MarryK,

Ask the man who owns one :-)

somewhere in the Harley writings it says the worst of withdrawal is usually about 3 weeks. That's just the worst, on average.

What I saw was about a 1 percent per day improvement, and I'm about 4 months in.

With me, one of the things I had to do in the early days was stay out of her way and give her some time alone. Meet the ENs she lets you -- it probably won't be SF and affection, but whatever other ones that are there which make you look like a good husband to stay with.

Harley highly recommends anti-deps for both BS and WS. Sleep meds too if you have an understanding doc.

With me, they were critical because I'd be a raging jealous lunatic every day without them, and wouldn't have slept a wink the first month.

I think the one thing people told me early on, that I didn't believe, but see now, is it does get a littttle better every day (if there is NC).

It does get better for the BS.....the memories are still a knife in the gut, but my WW now refers to it as "temporary insanity" and is quite remorseful and ashamed.

One of the things my WW said annoyed her in the early days is I was 'hovering" and constantly wanting to talk about the affair. But as she said, every time she talked it out, it was almost like contact, and she had the fog feelings and slipped backward.

Bottom line is

1. Have to have NC
2. Let her meet the ENs she will allow you.
3. Avoid all LBs (eg; trying to shove ENs at her she doesn't want met.
4. Give her space.

Naturally, counsel with the Harelys if you can, even if you alone take an hour on the phone.

Hang in there....it does get better.

Oh, this is also central. As BH, I first went in 4 hour cycles -- kiss or kill. Then slowly the better feelings took over, but it was amazing how the highs and lows jerk you all over, in the space of an hour...."forgive her, she is the love of my life"...."kick her to the curb"...."murder OM"....."forgive her, she is the love of my life".....repeat...

Oh, and one thing I wish I realized early, some wise berson here has it in their sig -- A WS in withdrawal can not feel the BS's pain"

so, you are wasting your time and being counter-productive if you try to cry on her shoulder about your problems.

If you're lucky, remorse will come. It took about 2 months for my WW, then she broke down, said she had ruined so many lives, hurt me so horribly, etc. I also saw it in emails to her family, very sincere.

I had to stop myself from nodding ;-)

Also, if you want on target help, put in a sig like mine with your summary.

Anyway, I know you were asking for FWW, so I hope I'm not spamming you, but here is a piece about withdrawal from Harley:


How to Get Through Withdrawal

In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?

They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers.

As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

I agree, but with a few adjustments. My counselor suggested, and I agreed, that the NC needs to come from the WS. BS demaing an NC is only going to cause resentment. It may take a while to get the WS to aggree to the NC, but it will be much more powerful if THEY decide to do it...not you demanding they do it.

Now there are ways you can help WS come to the conclusion that the NC is good...be subtle, be patient, use open ended questions, plant the seed and water it with EN's and watch it grow. I'm currently doing that and it seems to be working.

But look at me...I'm only DDay+6days, so I ain't got much to add

This is almost an analytical statement...

While NC must come from the WS in order for it to be real and have any meaning at all, the BS MUST at least respectfully ask for it. Demanding it by throwing a tantrum about it and having an angry outburst over it will not do you much good and might even drive the WS into the arms of the AP, but not even asking for it is a good way for Plan A to end up being Plan Doormat.

It comes down to the question of do you want to resolve the conflict or avoid the conflict?

When you ask for the WS to stop all contact with his/her lover, the first answer will certainly be, "I can't do that!"

That is the beginning of negotiation, not the end point. Not asking is allowing it to continue and is therefore enabling it to do so.

When confronted, my wife's first answer (two days later) was "I want a divorce." Two days after that it was "I can't give him up."

That was over two and a half years ago and NC has been in place since about a month later.

It almost came to plan "get out and stay out" a couple of times, but just waiting for NC to start on it's own IMO, would have prolonged it and probably led to Plan B before Plan A had much effect.

FWIW, I didn't have to tell her she was being an idiot, since a bunch of folks I had exposed to were doing a good job of that for me.

Don't try to reason with a WS. Don't try to convince a WS that you are a better option than the AP. SHOW the WS that you are a better option.

Don't expect the WS to fall at your feet and beg forgiveness 'cause that ain't gonna happen.

Don’t maintain the peace by avoiding the issue. The problem isn’t lack of peace. The problem is the affair and continued contact with the AP.

Don’t scream and yell and call the WS names (Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgments) because that will be counter productive.

But don’t just wait to see if the WS will initiate NC on his/her own. Cake-eating is what they almost all want. If they really wanted a divorce, they’d have filed for divorce. They don’t want to give up the BS, they just want to keep the AP.

Mark

Well....my WW definitely resented my going psycho, scaring off her OM, getting Harley on the phone and demand NC.

Tough. She'll get over it faster than I would get over sitting around in a continuing affair.

Harley says that withdrawl is similar to the grief that comes with the loss of a loved one. My WS's counselor told him the same thing adding that he lost the "love of his life." I think this bothered him. One of his comments was that if he didn't go back to her, then he would lose her forever and regret letting the "love of his life" go. Sheeezzz...I thought I was the "love of his life" after 23 years of marriage and 4 kids. But he's still in the fog...

Thanks, those are kind words.

I'm lucky in that the OM pretty much ceased contact just after their first and only physical hookup.

But my WW is upset how it ended and I'm sure still has feelings. She says she has no sense of closure. I'm fearful the OM will initiate contact since my WW e-mailed him just a day prior to DDay asking for some sort of explanation as to why OM stopped accepting her calls/e-mails/texts.

I hang in there, sticking to Plan A, and ever so often ask if she's heard from him. Neither of us expect him to contact. I just have to wait for the withdrawl to get through her system. Then hopefully she will agree to a NC letter sent from her to him, effectively ending it for good...on her terms.

I'm glad I'm a patient and analytical man, unlike some of my friends who would have implimented Plan D, followed by plan toss-WWs-stuff-on-lawn & change locks.

As another poster replied to my situation, at least if this doesn't work out I can feel that I tried for my sake, my wife's sake and our children.

It's a long road we travel. And hopefully the destination will be a good one.

Mark,

My WW's response's pretty much mirrored what you said. "You mean I can't every talk to him again?" (tearfully)

I think every BS has to decide for themselves what they can put up with. Plenty walk away on D-day.

My route was Plan everything :-)...bawl my eyes out, toss her out, terrify OM, beg her to come back, kick her out again, fill out D papers, counsel with Harleys, beg her to come back again.....I was like a golden retriever at the park, here, there, everywhere.

I think if I hadn't acted out and vented, it would have been more explosive in the long term.

Hopefully that part is over and we seem to be recovering.

Best wishes for a better 2009 for everyone!