I really do not know how to start so I am just going to go for it.

My wife and I have been married 18 years, two children, one 17(girl) and one 12(boy). When I first started courting my wife I smoked and I drank. I actually met my wife in a bar. She of course is a non-smoker. Before we got married she demanded I stop smoking. I did for about 4 years and then I lost my job and turned to an old crutch (cigarettes).

To make a long story short I think my cigarettes and drinking may have pushed my wife into an affair.
About a month ago I notice she was spending more time with OM, but I did not think anything of it until she invited him to a party we having for a football game. She was like a puppy, everywhere he went she went and then sat next to him with glowing eyes. Then there was another football game and she invited him to our house, I of course said “sure” because I did not see it. During that football game I noticed touching and other signs I did not see before.

I confronted her and she said “I am not having an affair with him, because we have not had sex.” Well, I am a computer person and do a lot of research and found she was having an EA. Confronted her again with a letter and two articles of what an EA was and if she was having one. She said “YES” and she confirmed that it was still not physical. I ask that it stop, “OK” she says. Next day, “I just bought tickets to the football bowl game” ME: “how many” HER: “Two” ME: “me and you” HER “ No, I paid for the tickets and (insert name) is paying for the hotel.”

I confronted her again with ultimatum you go with me or we are done. I explain that I know what is about to happen and I will do anything to keep her from doing this. Tuesday, before Christmas, she is on phone for a little while and then disappears, find her in bedroom crying. (insert name) has told her she is not leaving his wife. I love her so much I comfort her and she asks if she can come back and I said “YES.”
Two hours later she comes up to me and says I still want to go with (insert name) and I promise you nothing will happen. Now let me tell you, I have been unemployed for about 6 months and my wife has been paying the bills and we really could not afford the hotel (it is a 8 hour trip). So I made her promise that it was over and that she would NOT do what I know she is about to do. She confirms “I will not have sex with (insert name)”

Long story short I messed up. Could tell when she got back something was not right. She lied about how about a few things and I could tell she was lying. The confrontation this time was straight forward and to the point ME:”did you have sex with (insert name)” HER:”do you really want to know?” ME:”Yes” HER:”Yes” ME:”this weekend?” HER:”Yes.” Now that hurt like hell.

I have not done A or B yet and I have ordered the book. But, here is the problem I am having: it is a co-worker. If I tell her employer it could cause her to lose her job. I do not think the employer would fire him because he is already short handed.
What would you do?

You do the right thing.

Her lies have hurt you deeply...so you need to stop lying by withholding the truth. Lies by omission.

Are you choosing to save your marriage, to eventually recover from her infidelity? The whole of it? She was already in an affair...and you permitted her to continue it.

Now you know better. You gotta expose the truth because right now, you're lying to everyone...you're in on their dirty little secret.

Begin with OM's BW...do it right now. Then her employer...sexual harassment laws may apply...you don't have to know...you just gotta do the right thing.

Then you inform your kids, telling them you're standing for your marriage, you want to recover...same to each of the people you tell...your parents and hers...those that matter to your life.

Because you are going to live in truth and reality...no more lies and fantasy (they are going away together and won't have sex)...any contact continues the affair.

Even if they see each other across the street and don't speak.

Got that? Any contact continues the fantasy...which is tearing your family apart.

Divorce will decimate your finances...you'll lose custody of your kids, maybe your home...creates two household expenditures to support...nature of the beast...splitting a union into two.

Your marriage can survive risking to do the right thing...it most certainly won't if you won't.

When you receive "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley, I believe you'll better understand the process...what is required...and move if you have to to ensure No Contact (NC).

Do Plan A...it will help your pain, your devastation and give you a focus...not HER choices...your own. Choose your goal and stick to it...you didn't stop the smoking--did you stop the drinking? Will you do so right now for better rest (which is nearly impossible to get in crisis without alcohol), best shot at a clear mind (you're going to obsess, feel out of control); and because you'd rather put your marriage even ahead of a drink, right now?

And know this...there's nothing you could do on this planet to make your WW choose to have an A. She chose. Get that thoroughly...your part of the state of your marriage pre-A is yours...time to figure out healthier boundaries (like not agreeing with what you do not really agree with...not lying to yourself or to others...committing to radical honesty), both personal and marital...and work on your own personal recovery...by doing what you're doing...researching, asking, questioning, receiving and learning.

You've got your own redemption for injurying yourself so severely...tons of pain right now...you won't win the fight for your marriage by ever agreeing to do what the WW wants...for then you add your own betrayal to hers.

Stand strong...go for clarity...which comes from awareness, reality and honesty. You can do this. You are not alone.

LA

I am so sorry for you but I just astonished at your behavior. Your wife admitted she was in an EA with this guy. He visits you in your home for a party and you seeing them touching each other. You get tickets for a football and she demands to go with him for an 8 hour trip and spend the night at a hotel together. You allow this because she promised you she would not have sex with this guy? Surprise she spent the night having sex with this guy. What in the world were you thinking? It is mindblogging that you would have allowed this. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have said it is acceptable to go away for a weekend with a woman you are emotionally involved with and spend the night in a hotel room together as long as you promise not to have sex? Absolutely unbelievable that you would have said yes to this. I don't mean to be harsh but why would your wife respect a husband that said it was O.K. to go and spend a weekend with another man she is emotionally involved with in a hotel room as long as she promised not to have sex with him?

She needs to be tested for STD's now. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend then you need to expose this to them. This OM comes to your home and plays touchy feely with your wife and now has sex with her at a hotel. This guy must be exposed and a no contact letter sent. As far as your wife goes, no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your attitude allowing this sexual meeting to happen sent a clear message to her that you would not stand up and fight for her and your message. It is time to do it now. I wish you luck.

I want to say something very clearly. Not having 'sex'does not constitute fidelity.

Also, I am so sorry for what you are going through and hope it works out well.

You to expose WW's parents and siblings, OMW and work.

Then have WW get STD tests.

How is your wife acting now? Is she remorseful or indifferent? You need to expose to the OMW. She has a right to know what's going on in her marriage.

Thanks all for your feedback and support.

I will let you know that I am now a non-smoker. Used a book "Easy way to stop smoking" made sense and recommend it.

Update so far. We are trying to work this out. I have still caught her in a few more lies, but that is to be expected. I have asked repeatedly that she break all contact with OM and write a letter to this fact. She says she can not right now.

I am still waiting on the book so I am just going wait for it so I understand more.

Thanks again for the help

My ... you are quite the "conflict avoider" aren't you???

Is there ANYTHING that you would stand up to your WW about???

You see ... NO ONE can help you if you are unwilling to help YOURSELF.

Have you exposed?

You can't be serious. She tells you she has no plans to write a no contact letter to the OM? You have to take a stand. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She just screwed a man over the weekend who you entertained in your home. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. She knows that you will never stand up and fight. On the other you hand you gave your blessing to her to spend the weekend in a hotel with another man provided she promised not to have sex. I am sorry my friend but nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. How much more humiliation are you willing to endure? I supposed you have not demanded she also be tested for STD's.

So basically, because she paid the bills for 6 months she guilted you into letting some other guy do her in a hotel. You must have known it was going to happen. You just allowed her to destroy your marriage or at least made the situation a 1000 times more difficult to extricate your wife from. Your smoking didn't drive her to screw some guy. I know this sounds harsh, but if you don't put your foot down, she will eat cake as long as you allow her to. I would ask her that since she did this, she apparently wants to have an open marriage now. And ask her since you know alot about her man, if she would like any specifics about the women you plan on boffing. Tell her that instead of lying to her, You plan on being completely honest and out there regarding the information. Tell her you will also expect her to help cover up your affairs so the children won't know what is going on. Of course this is completely ludicrous. But you need to be serious when you talk to her about this. Also go to a site called Ashley Madison (3 million members looking to have affairs). Then tell her how much you appreciate her freeing you to have meaningless sexual encounters too. This is done to make her think of how she would feel.

I wouldn't advise this at all. It could be used against you later. Do not take the low road by lying to your WW about other women.