Hello Lady's<P> I have a simple question. Do you loose respect to a man who took his wife for granted for many years. Not sharing his life, feelings & dreams with her. Then one day he finds out that she is falling in love with some one else and ask her to stay & work. I have been doing all of plan A. leaving love notes, Call her at work, telling her every day that I love her. Ready stories with her, giving her back rubs, becoming interested in her hobbies & Letting her know that I am not leaving. I am here for the long haul. Do I loose her respect. Does she now know that she can walk over me. Some of my friends tell me that I am doing to much & she will not respect you. She knows that I am very insecure about OM. I don't want to play any games with her. I just want things better then they were. If I am doing to much let me know <P><BR>Thank <P>LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Now LotsoHope......<P>What I would see is a man who had to be cluncked on the head by something drastic in order to see the error of his ways.....<P>I would see that this man regrets the way he behaved and realizes that he can show as much love and affection to his wife as she has shown to him through the years.<P>It's called growing up and realizing what a partnership in marriage really is!!!!<P>You talk to too many people!!! LOL!!<P>Who are these people and how caring are they in there relationships? Hmmm?<P>HUGS and you are doing great...stop doubting yourself!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Just like I said in your other post, you're doing just great! <P>It'll just take time for her to BELIEVE these changes and for her to pass through withdrawal.<P>Quite honestly, I'd have a tremendous amount of respect for a man that was willing to admit his mistakes and work so hard to make things better.<P>Keep it up.<P>Lori

I don't have an answere to your question but share the same concern with you. I have been in plan A since last Feb. and only 3 weeks ago has she finally ended contact. I have often felt like a real weakling. I have questioned my own strength and manlihood etc. I'm not the macho type but it sure hurts to have you spouse thinking they can do this to you and have you still accept them. It is pretty emberassing at times too. I am pretty self consious of what others think and I know what I'd be thinking if I saw a friend putting up with this. There are lots of negatives but when you really love someone and feel there is hope for a good marriage, all this does seem worth it. Keep doing what you are and pray a lot - even if your not a prayer. Ron

LotsofHope- My situation was similar. I stayed in Plan A for about 8-10 months. I was determined to "outlast" her. I did all the same things you did. She thought it was nice that I was trying but I do not think that I ever gained very much respect through the process. She would say things like, " Why are you trying so hard now after I don't care anymore?" Many times she was mad at me because I was being so wonderful that she thought I was just trying to make her look bad. She would say "people don't know the REAL you!" She thought everything I was doing was a big put on. Maybe one day she will look back and realize that I really cared and was dead serious in my efforts. Respect may come well after the D is final. (she served me w/papers 2 weeks ago)<BR>As for now I have been in Plan B for about 3 weeks. I really do not care if she has respect for me, I now have respect for myself! Stay in A for a time so she sees effort and willingness to change, then go to B. If I had not done plan A she would have said "see everyone, I told you he was a big loser."<BR> In 1+ year of separation I have not received any evidence that my w has gained any respect for me. Its a tough question to answer but that is my experience.Bye for now.

Hello Again Sheba <P> As always thank you for your kind words. When I was at break today three lady friends were telling me that they would loose respect for a man that was doing all the things I was doing. At this time I am very insecure about every thing I do. I do see progress though & she has told me again that she barely sees OM. I hope this is true. I have heard so many people doing Plan A then go to plan B. I have also read about tough love is that the same as plan B. I will try & check out your Threads next I hope you have some good news.<P><BR> Thanks Again Sheba<P><BR> Hug’s<P> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Hello Lostva<P> Thanks for you comments I do appreciate them. How are you doing I need to check up on you. Your story is so much harder to take then mine. I want to thank you for your time I hope I can find a thread of yours & can give back some help to you if I can. These days seem so long to me but the days that all of you have seen make mine seem like a walk in the park.<P>Thanks again for all your help <P> Lostva<BR> <BR>Hug’s for you !!!!<P> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Hi LotsofHope -<P>I'm still sane, I think!!!<P>That's good news!! LOL!!!<P>Don't listen to all these people..I can't believe that these ladies would not want the same love and attention from their spouse......ridiculous!!<P>You just keep doing what you know is the right thing in your heart.<P>Your Wife deserves to see and feel the best from you and so do you!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

that question also crossed my mind. My W mother said if you keep bieng so nice to her that she is just going to walk all over you, and she probably not come back. She says that it would be easer to get her back if she yhought she couldn't have me. This would be plan B i suppose. I think I'm going to stick with plan A for now cause I don't really care what anyboy says, Cause I know what I want and what I'll do to get it<P><BR>Good luck, <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>

Hey Sailor<P> Thanks for your respond. I had no idea that this would be so hard. I truly respect all you betrayers that are here trying to restore your marriage. A lot of us that are here are the betrayed. & we are here fighting. It just doesn’t seem fair to you Sailor that you have got to due all the work does it. I do know how you feel & can only hope that I can last as long as you. I truly respect you & hang in there I have heard so many stories in this place were they made it. Beside I read that the percentage chance of making it is higher for you then for the OM. Prayer’s go out to you .<P>good luck my friend.<P><BR> LotsofHope<BR>

Hey Christian<P> I am sorry to here that all your efforts did not win your wife back. I fear your story very much. I am sorry that the D is on its way. I hope that the respect you gained from doing your best is rewarding to you. I have talked to my pastor & told him my story he has told me to do the same thing. Pan A. He let me know that I must do every thing I can so that I will know that I gave it my all. So there will be no dought that I did every thing to save our marriage.<P>Good luck my Christian<P><BR> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

LotsofHope,<P>If I may? One thing you need to keep in mind. You are learning new behaviors now by following the MB principles. You should not be simply groveling at your wifes feet to try & “win” her back. You are showing her changes in your behavior that you understand were wrong. Do not do now, what you do not intend to do for the rest of your life.<P>If you give her a back rub every night now, then you will be expected to do it till you die. Don’t mop the floor everyday, unless you intend to do it everyday. And so on...<P>The MB principles are not meant to change us solely to please the spouse. You are to look at yourself to see what changes are acceptable to you and your Wife. Tell her you love her everyday. Simple. Call her everyday. Simple. Vaccum & shampoo the carpet everyday. I think not.<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Hmmm, tough question. My sense is that the betrayer is already being disrespectful by having the affair while still married to you. Whether or not your kindness makes her more disrespectful is kind of a meaningless distinction. I wouldn't worry too much about her respecting you (she doesn't regardless of what you do), but more about your own self-esteem. When it gets to be too much, B is better for you.<P>Frankly, I've reached the conclusion that there's practically nothing you can do to change the situation once the affair is exposed and the betrayer refuses to stop. It's up to them, really. If they were going to do it based on "the right thing", they would do it immediately. So when this happens, the only chance is for the affair to blow-up on its own (that is for the obsessive nature to cool). Then you have an opportunity to make a difference.<P>If you go with my theory, the only question is whether you're better off using the "kill them with kindness" approach (Plan A) or the "I'm going on with my own life and talk to me know when you're ready to act like an adult" approach (Plan B or Divorce Buster's Last Resort). I doubt there's much in it as far as impacting their behavior. But the choice can have a big impact on YOUR state of mind. I've lived them both for many months. B is actually easier, in my opinion (once you get a few weeks into it).