hi..this is my great strat to 2009..im a 44 yr old guy from the uk,my wife is 40..we have been married for 19 yrs,got a 17 yr old son..i thought our marrige was good,up and down like other couples,but good all the same..because we both work hard and at different times we used to do our social life sometimes apart..ie me going to see a football(soccer) match and she used to go to a nearby city with a few of her friends..she used to stay overnight in a hotel,that was ok with me as im not the kind of guy to say u cant go,dont wear those clothes ect..guess im to easy going..anyway after a great xmas we went to a local bar for a new years party..at about 12.30 pm she gave me her handbag while she went to dance with some ladies,i went outside for a ciggarette as u do in the uk as smoking in indoor areas is banned..as i was outside her phone blibbed..she had a text message,thinking it was from my son wishing us a happy new year i read the message..boy was i shocked..it was from a guy she had been seeing since may...he sais we got a special thing going ect..now my wife is crying and saying fogive her as it was only a fling and she only slept with him 3 times..myself im thinking about divorce...any advice ?

The first thing is that your wife has given you reason to divorce her. You can drop her like a bad habit and move on and no one will blame you.

However, the world is full of adultery and what’s more, a great many marriages are able to survive, some even thrive following an act of infidelity.

So you see, it is up to you. This is the one piece of advice that you will author yourself.

If you decide to try and save the marriage then there are many here who can help you do that. It is not unreasonable to believe that you can not only save your marriage but turn it into something really great, powerful and loving. But you have to make the choice.

Your wife made a terrible choice to engage in adultery. But all is not lost.

Mr. G

Since May and only 3 times?? Be ready for that number to change. Get all the info on the other guy.

After 19 years, I would say you have a marriage worth saving.

It would be hard to walk away from someone after that long, and not wonder if you acted too hastily and later on wished you would have tried to fix things.


See, there are probably things that you are saying to yourself right now, like, "What were my own contributions to the marriage, prior to her affair, that could have prevented the situation that led to the set-up being there for her to have the affair in the first place?"

I am not saying that the affair was YOUR fault - no way. That was 100% your wife's decision.

But the state of the marriage at the onset of her affair? That is distributed between the two of you equally.

And that is what you need to evaluate, because you need to consider what part you played in that, too.

The reality here is that you CAN walk away from the marriage, sure. But the rest of that sentence is this: You can walk away from the marriage, AND you will also take with you the very same problems from this marriage into your next relationship unless you are able to objectively evaluate your own contributions to the state of the marriage prior to your wife's affair.


In other words, the situation is not completely black and white.

Yes, she cheated. Also, there are things which you can do at this point to improve yourself as a husband. Look at what you can do - whether or not you choose to stay in this marriage - because it will help you move ahead as a man, and improve your relationships in the future, whether it is with this wife, or a new one later on.


For now, do NOT look for another woman. Take some time to figure out what it is you are doing and feeling. Don't be hasty. The fact is, marriages can and do recover from infidelity - call the Harleys.

SB

Since you live in the UK - your next best thing would be to order their best selling book

Survivng An Affair
try ordering it on the net

When I did a phone counseling with Jenifer Harley she was in the Philippines...

I don't see why you couldn't still counsel with the Harley's reguardless of where you're at.

Order the book too...