I agree totally with myrev. I have been going through the excuses for over a year now and look at my thread and you will see where all of the excuses eventually lead to.

Well then ... do something about it ... You are the ONLY one that YOU can change ... time to take a step outside of your comfort zone. You may even surprise yourself and actually like it and want to keep it up. ( laughing at the unintended double meaning)

It appears from a cost/benefit standpoint ... you have very little to lose and a GREAT deal to gain.

So I haven't posted here in awhile. Been reading/lurking a ton. Saturday we got into a huge fight over a stupid thing. We took our dog to the beach and on the way back, we needed gas. So we got off the interstate in an area we weren't familiar with and I was using the gps on my phone to find the nearest gas station (he was driving). I initially told him to take the wrong turn but then I got my bearings straight and told him which way the nearest station was. He got all annoyed with me and said "if I don't do exactly what you say, you're just going to give me a bunch of attitude so fine." This was completely out of the blue and we were having a great day up to that point. I responded very nicely by saying "I'm sorry you feel like I'm working against you here but I have more information than you do (the gps) and I'm just trying to get us to the gas station."

So he does the whole restrain himself, clearly pissed silent routine the few blocks to the station and when he gets back in the car, I very nicely asked him if I did something wrong. So he gets all mad at me, tells me I can't ever let anything slide and that if he gets mad at me for no reason from time to time, I just need to deal with it after what I've done.

So I get upset (not really upset before, more just trying to figure out what was wrong) because this is his long established pattern of denying my feelings in response to his AOs. Before the A, he would do the same thing, except it was that I need to deal with his AOs because of all the great sacrifices he's made for me. And for the record, it's not like he has AOs all the time, I'd say once a month on average. I'm not trying to make him out to be some kind of monster, but it's definitely a consistent enough pattern. And it always plays out the same. He has an AO because of something totally random (we're always having a fine time before), I want to talk about it, and I'm told I need to deal with it because of everything he's sacrificed for me or because of the A. Never any apology, just "deal with it." And then I get told no one can ever be as perfect as I expect him to be.

I just don't know what to do. He has made it abundantly clear he does not want to work on the relationship. He is not sure if or when he will ever want to. He won't do phone counseling with SH (last session I did with him was in Oct, SH gave me some specific assignments involving H but H refused to participate). I suggested MB weekend but H said no.

He sits on the computer every night and plays his mmorpg. He says it's the only thing that keeps him sane, o/w he just thinks about killing himself. We watch a tv show together, eat together but there is no real interaction. We do stuff together on the weekend but there is always an underlying tension and distance. When I ask him to come lay with me on the couch he says I'm trying to control him and keep him away from the video game (which I made the mistake of telling him once I didn't like that he was spending so much time on it after the pain these games have caused our relationsthip).

He definitely does not want children with me (which I understand, but still hurts, although he never wanted children until after the A came to light, just months before the A happened, he told me he never wanted children with me too). Whenever we argue, which anymore I'd say is about once a month, it quickly devolves into him lecturing me and telling me how ungrateful I have always been for the sacrifices he's made for me all these years. He tells me there is nothing more he can possibly be expected to give to the relationship right now.

I just don't know what I'm doing in this relationship any more. I love my husband very much. I just don't know if what we're experiencing right now is normal (not that anything is "normal" after the devastation I caused to our marriage). It just feels like this is getting us nowhere, other than us growing farther apart. I tell him I want to work on things and try to make our relationship better and his only response was I had that chance and I blew it.

He is so overly critical and judgmental of me. Every time we argue, I just feel broken under the pressure of his scrutiny. I will never be able to be anyone to him other than the person he has long ago decided I am. He sees me as a child and tells me as much. He knows what I think, what my motivations were for every decision I've ever made and no amount of explaining on my part will ever change his mind. It's pointless to even converse with him.

sorry for the rambling, just needed to get that all out, any thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I apologize for the shameless bumping of my own thread but just feeling lower than low today and hoping for any words of wisdom or insight.

I just don't know how to reach him anymore. He asks me to explain things to him. Not even about the A, just why I made this choice or that choice in the past. Every time I try to explain anything to him he's so dismissive of me. He either does this condescending dismissive laugh or he just outright tells me that my explanations don't make sense to him so he rejects it.

He will not take any responsibility for the state of our marriage pre-A. He asks me to explain why I had the A and I always begin by saying anything I say is not an excuse for what I did because I take 100% blame for what I did (he laughs). And then I say the reason is that I was unhappy and vulnerable and I let my guard down and let someone else step in and meet my needs, which was a huge error. No excuse, just fact. That's on me and I know that. His response: you had nothing to be unhappy about and that explanation is not sufficient. The reason I had the A he tells me is that I have never loved him and this is how you act when you don't love someone and you don't care whether you hurt them or not.

He thinks it's all my fault that our relationship was in a bad place and that he's this great hero who made all these sacrifices for me and all I did was follow my selfish whims and do whatever I want. The most he will admit is that, while maybe he was a jerk sometimes, the fact that he made all the great sacrifices means that I should have just sucked it up and dealt with it and that any other girl would have just been so grateful for everything he's done that they never would have been unhappy. That I was unhappy is just evidence to him that no one will ever be able to live up to some fantasy person I apparently have in my mind.

I definitely contributed to our M deteriorating pre-A. I did make some selfish choices (because we weren't following POJA) and I got wrapped up in my own pain. But I can't and won't take 100% responsibility for things being bad.

He has done some pretty amazing things for me, things that I will always be grateful for. The huge initial sacrifice that he keeps going back to is that, after we'd been dating for 3.5 years and I was about to start law school, he moved to the city where I was going to law school with me and bought a house. His job allowed him to work from home but he quickly became unhappy with the situation. As he was becoming unhappy, he turned on me and told me how ungrateful I was that he had done moved with me and bought the house. I was extremely appreciative, and I told him that and I waited on him hand and foot because I felt so guilty that he had moved there and was unhappy. But all he could do is focus on his misery. He said he felt isolated, so I got us involved in stuff, I encouraged us to go back to his home town (1.5 hours away) as much as possible. I knew he was unhappy in his work too so I encouraged him to prepare himself to go to law school and within 1.5 years of us moving there he was applying to law school himself. Howver, he considers his life since the moment he moved with me to the other city as wasted time in his life. He also says he hates me for getting married to him.

I NEVER start fights with him or bring up his past mistakes out of the blue. But when we get into discussions about anything remotely serious (they quickly turn into fights) he has this argument technique where I will make a statement in response to a question of his and then he will say, well give me examples. So I will give him examples and then he'll say that I can't ever let anything die or forgive him of anything. And then he'll tell me all I care about is winning the argument.

Is there any way I can get through to him?

Ruth, I would recommend that you read the articles above: How to handle conflict.

Sometimes a sensitive subject can be left to another time. Maybe his taker is looking for an argument. This is a time to give him a hug and assure him of your love.

After properly establish POJA principles, there is a conclusive way - make or break - to deal with the sitch. I'm afraid you still may have some reading to do before this!

Imagine,

Thanks for your response. I don't fully understand your advice. Do you mean that when he has AOs, I should give him a hug and assure him that I love him? I think I can do that but I want to be sure that's what you mean and if that's really a good idea.

As to POJA, he does not believe in it. He thinks we have to make our own decisions and those decisions show whether you love the other person or not. POJA in his mind is like telling the other person what to do. He also told me the other day he will never do anything again in this relationship that he doesn't want to do (such as accompany me to visit my family out of town, or basically anything that he doesnt like).