I just found out 3 weeks ago my wife had been talking to a guy at work. They kissed a few times and later on ended up getting drunk one night at a club, and having sex in the back seat of her car.

I also admitted to getting a hand job in Vegas back in May. We purchased a book online by Dr Frank Gunzburg and have since been talking and trying to make things work. She has broke it off with the guy since the day after they had sex. We used to be very close, but over the past 5 years (we have been married 20 years)we have not been getting along or been very close. This is do to a lot of things that happened in the last few years that I won't go into great detail about. Basicly we had resentments towards each other, and the only time we tried to communnicate our feelings was when we were mad or hurt. Needless to say that does not work.

I know we was both wrong for what we did. We both were cheating. The thing is I am having a hard time getting the thoughts out of my head about my wife and the other guy. Every thing from what them talking, and kissing at work,up to when they had sex. Every time I see her car it reminds me of it. I won't even drive it anymore. There were a few times that I was suspicious of her like one night she was talking on the phone late and I thought I heard a guys voice. I asked her and she said it was a girl she worked with, she even said on the phone that I said I thought she sounded like a guy. The thing is it was him, and I bought it. There were a few other time that there was some suspicious things going on and she always had a explaination for them.

Also my wife is a very moral person and has always hated people that cheated on there spouses. Every one that knows her, and about the affair can hardly beleive that she really done it, including me. It seems unreal every day.

Also the night that she had sex with the guy she was at a after work party at a club, and locked her keys in her car. She asked me if I wanted to come up and unlock her car and stay for the party. I wasn't feeling well that night so I just went up and unlocked her car for her and went back home. I keep thinking If I would of stayed that night the sex would of never happened.

Now since this has happened it has made me relize what I have been doing wrong, and how much I really love my wife. And I guess it is because of what happened that has been bringing us back together. A far cry from being called a "Blessing In Disguise" though.

The part that is bothering me now is I keep thinking about how she had the chance to tell me in advance about how a guy at work was coming onto her, complementing her and making her feel good about her self. Also the fact that she lied to me when I asked about her phone call the night I heard a mans voice. I keep thinking that if she would of only told me then that I would of woke up just like I have now. I also keeping visualizing everything that I think that happened that night. It has been 3 weeks since I found out and it still comes up almost every day and it makes me feel sick to my stomach and anxious. I take Clonipin wich helps me but but I don't like the feeling it gives me. It still hurts so bad and it still seems so unbeleivable that I can't control my emotions half the time. I know they say it can take a long time to work through the pain. I know my wife is having similar problems with what I have done.

I would like to here from someone that has maybe had something similar to our experiance, And if they have anything they can share with me, or give me hope. We are also thinking about seeing a marrige counselor because while trying to work through this we are still getting into arguments.

Thanks

nxs, I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.

Has your wife ended all contact with her affair partner? That is critical for the recovery of your marriage. This will likely happen again if she still sees him in any capacity.

It sounds like you have fallen out of love and that, coupled with terrible marital boundaries has led to this. Getting drunk, hanging out in bars and taking trips without each other is an invitation to adultery. AS YOU CAN SEE.

The solution is to fall in love again and to stop doing things apart. Learn to meet each others most important emotional needs, stop lovebusting and spend 15 hours of undivided attention together a week, will result in your fallng back in love with each other. It really does work, too.

There are several ways to achieve this:

1. try phone counseling with the Harleys - they are very effective and won't waste a minute of your time. They will assess your marriage and give you a plan. I think they charge around $200 per session, but it is worth every penny.

2. go to a Marriage Builders weekend. My H and I did this and it worked wonders for our marriage. Dr Harley's staff contacts you weekly and helps you through the lessons. you would have daily access to Dr Harley on this forum

3. get the books, Surving an Affair and Fall in love, Stay in Love and follow the plan in there

In my opinion, the Harley's plan is heads above anything else out there. Even Retrouville counselors come to the MB weekend for their own marriages.

Marriage counseling, on the other hand, has an 84% failure rate. We see the wreckage from the average MC on this forum every week. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and are little more than divorce facilitators.

Also, you might want to get your thread moved over to General Questions 11 where there is alot more traffic on the weekends.

And how to get the adultery out of your head? The only way I know is to stay drunk or to take massive quantities of narcotics, which is no solution. You will think about it for some time, that is just NORMAL. You can't cure normal.

If you want this thread moved, click on "notify" and ask the mods to move it.

Your WW must go NC with the OM. So she needs to send a NC letter. She can no longer work there unless the OM leaves. There can never be NC while they work for the same firm.

What is th NC Acronym? I can't find it on the list.

NC means No Contact. If she is in contact with him in anyway it will be difficult to really end this or from starting up again. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then they must be told. Your wife needs to be tested for STD's as well. I can see how the circumstances would be eating you up. What did your wife think would happen afterwards knowing she had sex with another man. How did she expect you to react? Is she showing true remorse? My guess is that she would have slept with him down the road even if you had been there to prevent that time. She was not telling you that there were close and spending time previously kissing. It was a matter of time. I am very sorry for you.

moving to General Questions forum at request of poster.

I have been taking some Klonipin for the anxiety and thoughts, but I don't like the side effects. I went to the Doctor today and he recomended that I at least give a new antidepressant a try called Pristiq. He is usally not very pushy on telling me to take a medicine. I will give it a try. I need something to help with these terrible obsesive thouhgts. I tried the drinking one night but that is just not me. I know it will take time but it seems like it is taking forever.

So you are saying she should write him a no contact letter? I can't make her quit a job that she likes. She has been there longer then him, and hopefully he will leave on his own.

nxs, I was being sarcastic when I suggested narcotics and alcohol. Those are not the answer, although antidepressants seem to help. You are supposed to be obsessed and hurt when you are hurt this badly. That is NORMAL. Any normal person will grieve such a loss.

Did you read the rest of my post? The most important issue is the matter of contact. Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Surely she would WANT to leave the job if she understands it is an impediment to marital recovery? Because I assure you, recovery is impossible as long as she works with him. She can't have her marriage AND continue to see the OM.

It also means an on-again, off again affair in the future. This is your future if you stay in a marriaqge where contact with her affair partner continues.

And of course you won't be able to get the affair out of your mind if she goes off to work every day and sees the OM. It is crazy to imagine otherwise.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

No contact, lifechoice http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659249&fpart=3

Every time I read where a WS is still working with the AP I cringe because I know exactly where things are headed. I know I said this before, but I only worked 6 days a month and after I ended the A, of the 6, we maybe worked together 1 or 2. When I ended the A it brought relief and neither FOM nor I wanted the A any longer, but regardless I was hooked. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, his name on an work email, or anything related to him kept me hooked.

I never knew ahead of time if I was going to be working with him. If I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car I would feel happy and sad at the same time and if his car was not there I would feel relief and sad at the same time.

My therapist told me to journal and after I confessed the stuff in there just makes me shake my head. Now when I read the stuff I did, said, etc it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly believed I was on my best behavior because we were not crossing any inappropriate lines or so we thought. Now I can "see" exactly what happened and how it fed my addiction to the A. All those "professional" conversations that had bits and pieces of non-professional idle chit chat, facial expressions, body language, the unnecessary walk-by's, the acknowleging everyone but him days, etc where so harmful. And then my poor H would get to hear all about it because I was being open and honest. I have no idea why he didn't leave me because of what I put him through.

In a sec I will add a snippet from my journal and a prime example of why FAP's cannot stay working together. I hadn't seen my FOM in who knows how long. Docp had recently asked for all the details of the A and I was a complete nervous wreck. When I got to work, FOM was there, I was having a really bad day and to top it off was exposed to TB by a patient. The TB deal was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a meltdown in my FOM's office and almost passed out. I asked him if I could sit for a second and that second of sitting lead to a conversation we never should have had.

We talked about Docp's and his W's reaction, how we all were coping, how stupid and weak we were etc, etc. Even sitting here now I remember the feeling I had and KNEW we should not have been having that conversation, but it was making me feel better when I felt like crap. What I didn't realize was I had just had a big dose fed to my addiction and the whole cycle started again.

Here is the snippet from my journal: (I changed names of course)

"It felt good to talk to him and clear a lot of this up. He even mentioned it was nice that we were able to talk and I feel like he meant it, not in an appropriate way, just a friendly way. (Ah, this from the person who has been avoiding talking to me forever) I felt like I was talking to my 'old friend" the way it was for years before we messed everything up. I told Docp about the whole conversation. He was ok with this conversation, but said he wouldn't be really happy if we started talking all the time. duh!!!!!! I just said I understand and didn't plan on talking to him about anything that wasn't work related."

OK, in all reality Docp was NOT OK with the conversation and told me he didn't care if I was going to faint or not I needed to crawl out of his office, not sit and chat with him. But in my happy place I honestly believed because I told Docp about the conversation it really was OK. I was completely delusional and thought because it made me feel so good, it HAD to be OK.

I had all this going on and I rarely saw my FOM, can you just imagine what is going on when people are seeing each other every day?

Anyway back to NC, I'm not sure if I simply missed it before, but it seems lately we have more who are willing to allow the WS to continue working with the AP and have a zillion and one excuses on why it's OK. I'm never surprised when they find out the A is still ongoing though because I could tell them the details of what is going on during the work day when the WS honestly feels they are on their best behavior.

He is married and he told his wife. She kicked him out and filed for divorce. I talked to her about STD's. She said he has only been with his wife. I don't know if I should make her anyway. We have allready made love several times since they were together. She said she didn't want to tell me because she said she was drunk and it didn't mean anyting toher and she didn't want to hurtme. That was her justification. She is deffinatly showing true remorse for what she has done. I just wish I could forget about it. Yes she probaly would of slept with him another time If she was drunk. At least thats what she said was the reason she did then. I really don't know what to beleive anymore. She also said they never had any intensions of leaving each others spouses, and they felt that they were only feeling the void that they were missing from there partners, and found reasons to justify it.

Yes I know what you was saying. I am 48 year old and know that is know answer to the problem. They still work at the same place and she says she does not contact him at all, as far as I know.

HUGE RED FLAG!! Adulterers are liars, nx. Many waywards SAY they have told their spouse so that no one else does. YOU SHOULD CALL THE OMW TO MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS.

And all adulterers LIE about how many affair partners they have had. So you should get STD testing ASAP.

That doesn't make any sense. What you said is not logical. If they work together, then obviously they are in contact.

That is the first problem with your statement. The second problem is that a cheater is not going to tell you IF there is contact.

Even so, you KNOW there is contact every day she goes to work. Every time she goes to work she will be triggered. She is an alcoholic who goes to the bar every day and has ONE DRINK, but calls it a "business drink." The one drink keeps her obsessed wtih drinking and pretty soon the temptation collides with opportunity and she will be back at it again.

We have several LONG TERM AFFAIRS on this forum that turned into 5 and 10 affairs by continuing to work with the affair partner.

Your marriage will not recover as long as they work together.

ok, so if a recovering alcoholic changed the name of his drinks to "business drinks" do you think he would ever sober up?

Your wife has contact with the OM every time she goes to work. It was this very "business related" contact that led to this one night stand. And it will happen again.

I am just telling you that your marriage will not recover until contact ends.

nxs, I don't think you understand what you are dealing with here so I would strongly suggest that get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. He is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in adultery for 35 years. Here is what he says:

There is no way to recover a marriage without exposure and NC.