Hello, I'm glad that I found this great site. Here is my story:

My WS of almost 17 years walked out on me and our two DDs. She said that she needed to move in with her parents because she was feeling overwhelmed and needed her space. When she left I asked her if there was someone else and she told me no.

We bought a horse 8 months ago for our 15 year DD. But I knew it was really for my WS and thought it would be good for her, because I could sense she was feeling depressed. About the time she started working with the OM to help her train our horse.

Well on the 30th, I had to go to the ER and she met me there for support which I thought was great and you know how slowly things happen in an ER, it gave us time to have a great conversation and I basically told her how I felt we could work things out. Again, I asked if there was someone else and you guessed it, there is. I asked her if she loved him and she said no but she has an emotional attachment. He is easy to talk to and doesn’t expect anything from her. I on the other hand am frustrating her because I have expectations like wanting her to come back home. Okay, but I ask her have you slept with him? She says no and I believe her because she has always been the most trustworthy person I have known.

We made plans to go out New Years Eve for dinner. I try and call her at work to make sure that we are still on and to thank her for going to the ER the day before. I can’t get a hold of her and my calls to her cell go straight to voicemail. I finally call her Mom to see if she is was at their house and she says she hasn’t seen her since yesterday. Well she finally calls me around 12:00 and I ask her what is going on? She said that she needed to talk because she is confused and went to his house and then became tired and fell asleep. I am dumbfounded that we seem to have a great conversation and as soon as she leaves the ER she drives straight to his house. She assured me that she is not sleeping with him and we are still on for dinner. I pick her up and try and make it like a first date. We have a very nice conversation at the bar and dinner. I take her back to her parents because she said she is tired and I don’t try and push watching the ball drop; I know she needs her space.

Well, I decide to see if she is truly tired and going to stay home. I decide to park down a side street and wait for 15 minutes to see if she leaves. You guessed it, she leaves her parents and I follow her for a while until I know for sure that she is headed towards his house. I call her on cell phone just to see if she would answer and she wouldn’t. I then pulled up beside to let her know that I was not stupid. I called her again and she answers and I asked what are you doing? I asked her to please pull over so we can talk because this is two nights in a row that she has gone to his house for the night. She agrees to pull over and again I asked her is she was sleeping with him. Again she tells me no, but finally she says yes, I slept with him one time. I asked her is she loves him and she says no but I have an emotional attachment. I told her that I couldn’t believe that she would do this to us since we have discussed how sex outside of the marriage was a strict no-no. She says that she loves me but she is not in love with me. I asked her why she slept with him and she said she didn't know.

Last week, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor for next week and had asked if I was willing to go. I told her that I wanted to work things out and I was willing to do anything. I asked her if she still wanted to seek counseling and she said yes. I then asked if she was willing to try and she said yes but she couldn’t promise anything. I told her that I understood and asked if she could not sleep with him anymore until we get things figured out. She said that she wouldn’t but she still wanted to go over to his house because that is the only place that makes her happy.

After reading this site, it would seem that she needs to end her relationship. However, that seems to be the furthest thing from her mind based on this past weeks actions. Do I bother going through counseling?

She is saying she will go to counseling to get you off her back. Counseling is of no use when one person is an affair. Further, most marriage counselors are NOT pro-marriage and are little more than divorce facilitators. They will not understand her state of mind and will try to get YOU to accept her affair or a divorce rather than save your marriage. MC have an 84% FAILURE rate so you take a huge risk going to one. They usually cause more harm than good.

You would be much better off with a MARRIAGE COACH like Steve Harley that understands adultery and knows how to save your marriage, ie: via phone counseling. Many here have used them and if the marriage can be saved, he can help that happen.

I would also strongly advise you to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and exposure ruins the fantasy. Good exposure targets would be your wife's parents, your children, close friends and family. Your children most especially should be told the truth so your W can explain to them why it is OK for her to abandon her family for her adultery.

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley to help you understand the dynamics of adultery. Much of what we are telling you will not make sense becasue our first reactions to adultery are usually very wrongheaded.

And lastly, you might want to post over on General Questions 11 where there is much more traffic on the weekends. If you hit notify at the bottom of this post and tell the mods to move your thread over there, they will move it.

Plan A is what we suggest for folks in your situation:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Needing "space" is textbook CLASSIC code for "need to move out to carry on my affair unimpeded."

MelodyLane, that is exactly how I feel. When we were talking, after she agreed to stop, I grabbed her ring hand to see if she was still wearing them. She had them on when we went to dinner. She said, she took them off because she isn't married when she is with him. Funny, I didn't know that we were already divorced.

Another question, if I try and call her or email her she says that I am smothering her. I told her that I have talked to her every day for 17 years, how do I turn it off like a spicket? She wants to control the entire situation.

She hasn't seen our DDs since she left on the 27th. She called them once since then. We have a DS who I adopted when we got married. He has tried to call her numerous times and she won't call him back. They have always had a special bond since she had him when she had just turned 18 and wasn't married to his biological father. Our youngest DD won't talk to her and she said that was okay because she wanted to give our DD her space. She has always loved those children more than anything and now she won't give them the time of day.

Joseph, your wife is high on her affair and is not in her right mind, as you have probably seen. It has the same effect on a person as alcohol or crack. But here is the good news, her affair is doomed to failure. 95% of affairs die within 2 years because the very traits that make them possible, deceit and selfishness, kill them very quickly. She is in a delusional state that cannot withstand the insertion of reality.

This is why it is very important to expose her affair. Exposure has the effect of bringing in a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. No one likes to get high when everyone is watching. It ruins the high!

So, your job will be to do your best to ruin the affair. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer and as the affair dies, there is no reason you can't attract her back.

Ways to cause trouble in the affair is to expose it and to create conflict for the OM. For example, you would want to pay him a visit and ask him what his intentions are. Let him know that you will fight for your marriage and will not make it easy for him. Tell him you will call him to the stand in any legal proceedings and have him testify under oath about his adultery. [this is possible in fault divorce states]

You can also inflict a huge blow for the future of the affair by exposing the affair to the OM's parents. Let them know your wife is a married woman who abandoned her H and children. That will make it unlikely that your W will be welcome there.

What does this OM do? Is he married?

She wants to have her affair in PEACE. That is what she wants.

Do her parents know about her adultery?

The OM helps people train their horses. From my understanding, he doesn't have much money. When my WS first met him, he was living with his ex-girlfriend in an apartment above the horse barn. My WS is well educated and makes good money. The night I confronted her she has talked about quitting her job and leaving the area to get away.

My MIL believes it is an emotional affair. My SIL and FIL do not know of the A. So I should tell them that she told me that she has slept with him. I was afraid that would drive her further away. Also, I didn't want to tear her down to our children. But I guess that I need to expose it to break up the A.

What happened to the girlfriend? Is he still with her?

Are you reading my posts about exposure?

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
How do I do this if she stays at her parents for the OM's place?

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Sorry, can you provide examples?

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
How do I go about setting up boundaries? Do you have examples of this too?

Also, we are supposed to attend her bosses holiday party tomorrow evening. Do I still attend?

We also are making plans to meet some good friends next week to exchange Christmas gifts and attend a hockey game? Do I tell them we can't because of her infidelity?

No, he left the GF a few months ago, of course, my WS helped him move using our truck that I bought for her to drive back and forth to the farm.

I did read your post about exposure.

If she comes over, make the experience nice.


Bring up past pleasant memories.


Make sure she has no access to any family money. Don't allow your children to be exposed to her affair partner. Tell the kids the truth so that your W can't lie to them and drag them into her affair. [and don't think for a minute she won't do this]


YES!


No! You should go. Look for every opportunity to go out with her. Don't lovebust her.

Melody you are the greatest! Why do I attend the holiday party? But I go alone to the hockey game and just the DDs to exchange gifts.

She pays the bills. Do I open another checking account and have my DD sent there? Then just write her a check to cover my half of the expenses every two weeks? Also, all of credit cards are joint. Do I close all of them?

Tell them all that she left you for an adulterous affair with this man and that they have been sleeping together. They have been sleeping together for some time, Joseph.

When you tell them, ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Tell them the truth and tell them you want to save your marriage.


farther away? Didn't she move out?? How much farther could she get?

See, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making your wife angry at all costs. Appeasement will not bring your wife back. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage, you will have a.............destroyed marriage.

She will be FURIOUS when you expose the affair, but your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive the affair. As it is now, you are headed towards divorce because the affair gets more and more entrenched by protecting its secrecy.



You don't want to lie to your children to whitewash the bad behavior of their mother. That is to enable EVIL. If you don't tell them the truth and give them moral guidance, YOUR WAYWARD WIFE WILL. Not telling them leaves them vulnerable to her lies. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal wth lies.

check out my next post about what experts say about telling the children.

Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Buiders, on telling the children:



This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show - email me if you want the 1 hr MP3 at ohmelodylane@aol.com. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

This will be a chance for you to be with her and show her your best side. GEt your hair cut nicely and wear a nice outfit with great cologne. Be as attractive as possible.


If she pays the bills, then I guess let things stand as they are with the expectation that she will continue to do this.

Melody,

One more question, I travel for work internationally for weeks at a time. I guess this was a contributor to her leaving. I have a trip scheduled for the 2nd week of February to the 2nd week of March. Do I still go and leave her to take care of the children and the house? Also, I can't prevent her from having him come over? I don't want him in my house and in my bed!

You can hide cameras and digital voice activated recorders in your home to find out if WW brings in OM into your home.

Being that your WW wants to go counseling tell her that you want to and will only go to the Harley's of MB web site. Just look for their contact information.

As you have seen you can not trust your WW to tell the truth.

You must expose WW's parents and siblings ASAP. If the OM has clients I would expose to them. If your WW told you the OM has no W or GF that could only be a lie to keep you from exposing them.

Last you must tell your kids that WW is having an affair.

You won't be there to stop him. As long as you travel for a living this will be the case. And this is probably what LED TO the affair in the first place. And as long as you have a job that takes you away overnight, she will be vulnerable to an affair. Nor can you recover your marriage if you are gone. I have a GREAT marriage and I know how destructive even 3 nights apart can be. It causes a feeling of detachment that can take DAYS to overcome.

Sorry, but that is just the truth. You might have some hard choices to make, Joseph.