I know the main purpose of Plan B is not to bring the WS home. And during Plan B, WS starts looking to OP to fill needs that are no longer being met by BS and sometimes this causes an awakening in WS and returns him home. I have a hard time understanding how this can happen. Seems like Plan B is more like a vacation for the WS.

Here's what I mean with a simple example. WS leaves the home and moves in with OP and BS starts Plan B. With a dark Plan B, WS no longer has to deal with BS or the kids (like he's single again). WS leaves behind his house (and the cleaning and the yard work) and his wife and kids (no family commitment or day-to-day responsiblities). WS knows that BS will cover the slack -- thus, BS now has more work!

Now WS gets to focus on his precious OP. WS can get his fill of affection and SF from OP whenever and whereever without having to sneak around. Also, they are free to go to the movies or out of town (recreational companionship) without lining up babysitters. And they just keep admiring the heck out of each other!

Without kids around, WS and OP have plenty of time to exercise, get massages, shop for sexy clothing, and primp each other (physical attractiveness). Honesty and openness are likely not that important to WS and OP, so meeting that need is probably not a big deal. WS is supporting the homefront and spending $ like crazy to impress OP but, since WS is in a fog, the credit card bills can wait for another day (or year).

And BS is no longer checking up on WS. With a dark Plan B, BS can't spy on the whereabout of WS or complain about his behavior. WS comes and goes as he likes and is free to carry on with OP without repercussions.

So am I missing something? Seems like the only strain on WS during Plan B is financial.

OK -- WS may start feeling guilty about his kids not talking to him or he might miss his dog. And, over time, OP will stop honeymooning WS and start asking him to take out the trash or pick up his underware or file for D. WS might miss home eventually just because the newness wears off. The jealous OP might start complaining when WS needs to do something with his kids or stop by the house to pick up the mail. And eventually...all couples fight.

Any thoughts???

Wow, you missed the boat by a mile! Have you read Surviving an Affair? The example of Sue and Greg very accurately describes what usually happens in Plan B. The wonderful, reality averse scenario you gave is one that happens when the WS is still living at home.

When he moves out and moves in with the OP,[and the BS is in Plan B] reality enters the affair and it quickly crumbles. Affairs are based on an ILLUSION, and when they actually live together, it quickly KILLS the illusion. They now have to face financial problems, family problems, social ostracism, isolation, and most of all, the traits that made the affair possible, selfishness and deceit, begin to take a huge toll on the affair.

Secondly, when the WS leaves the family, his expectations of his OP INCREASE drastically because the OP is expected now to meet 100% of his needs, whereas in the past, the OP was only meeting 1-2 top needs. When the OP fails to rise to the new standard, the lovebusting begins!!

Why do you think 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years?

Thanks, ML.

I've read SAA (borrowed from a friend) a while ago, and now rely on this website for MB info.

My example is based on my own experience with my WS. When he moved in with OP, he told me it's like a vacation from me and the kids. He and POSOW just focus on themselves. They go wherever they want whenever they want. They soak in the tub, listen to music, give each other massages, and just chill. (I know -- what kind of WS tells BS the details? Unfortunately, he's told me just about everything during one false recovery.)

I asked if he missed me and the kids. He said he just put us in a compartment in his head -- kind of like "out of sight, out of mind." He came back because he felt guilty and OW started to pressure him to file when he wasn't ready.

I said during one false recovery -- don't yell -- but we've had 5 this year. He can't make it throught withdrawls. When he's home, he wants to run away back to her. And when he's with her, he starts feeling guilty and tries to do the honorable thing. Unfortunately, the lust side usually wins in the shortrun. That's where he is today.

Holyheart, you havent ever been in Plan B. He knows he can come home on ANY terms - if you have had 5 false recoveries - so the reality never sets in with you both meeting his needs. Plan B sets conditions for return. You have no conditions whatsoever.

You werent in plan B, he just shacked up with the OW for a week and came home when the OW got pesky.

But a REAL Plan B is very different, I assure you.

And what will be the consequence? What will be different this time?

Last time, he got a Plan B letter with requirements. He wrote NC letter and left it with her when he moved out. He agreed to all of the terms of my letter and moved back home.

Then...he became depressed and withdrawls set in. I followed Harley's suggestion. Left him alone since he would not welcome anything from me. Harley goes as far as to recommend staying away from each other during this time because he'll be prone to anger, anxiety and depression. He went through all these BIG TIME. His IC told him to tell me to back off on anything related to our marriage. Her line was to say he "wasn't ready" when I asked him to spend time with me or the kids or do anything. Instead he focused on work and golf -- not me and the kids. And, sure enough, when he got really depressed (the day after Christmas), he called up OW and ran over to see her. And the rest is -- well -- history. They professed their love for each other, fell into bed, and he moved out again.

So...He is gone and I'm back to Plan B. When he left, I said to refer to the original letter which outlines a path back. I've been dark and so have the kids. I haven't used D as a threat since I do not want one.

If he were to want to come back again, I wouldn't let him move back in until we attended some counseling sessions together and his actions showed he was serious on recovering our marriage, not just getting back together for the kids' sake. But this time when he left, he said he needed closure and that filing D would bring that. But, then again, he's threatened that before.

Something that might be helpful next time is to have STEVE HARLEY negotiate his return, if any. Five false recoveries is a little ridiculous.

Believe me -- my family and friends all want to kill him. And he's a stubborn guy going through a MLC. We've been together for 30 years so I know the way he thinks. Unfortunatly, during this past year (one year since D-day), he has changed his mind so many times that I really believe he is an alien.

Do you have time tonight to really hear my story, ML? If you have the time, I'll spill. I'd love your advice.

HH, feel free to post it! I am headed to bed right now and will check it in the AM. I will warn you that my eyes glaze over if it exceeds 5 paragraphs, so please take pity on me if you want me to read it!

For my money, the main purpose of Plan B is to preserve your willingness to reconcile. All of these things you talk about will hurt you, and if you know all the details, eventually you will lose all the love you have left. Plan B is about protecting yourself (and whatever love you have left) by removing yourself from the madness of infidelity.

You don't know what he's doing, so you're not hurt by it. And since you're not being hurt by it, you can't love-bust him with angry outbursts. And, like Mel says, the WS's will have only one place to get their needs met, and eventually the whole thing will fold.

Thanks, Mel:

I'll try and keep it short. A started 18 months ago. D-day was one year ago. I was devastated at the beginning, couldn't think, and willing to do anything to save M. Actually kicked him out for a week 1/08 when I discovered pictures of them together the weekend prior. He came back, swore to me and the kids he'd never leave again, and I let him back in.

Then the rollercoster ride really took off. He left on his own for a month, then 2 months, then 2 months again, and then again last week. Even though I knew of the MB principles, I didn't begin following until 10/08 when I implemented Plan B and found my backbone. I had been basically Aing since D-day.

I gave him the letter, went dark, and he negotiated his return after 2 weeks. "Negotiated" means we met a few times, he agreed to write a NC letter, he discussed it beforehand with his IC, then he moved out of OW's place when she was attending a family function (to prevent drama like her threatening to take her life).

As for requirements for returning -- he's promised to keep them each time and failed. He signed an agreement (but didn't follow it), we attended counseling (but he would only go once), we and the kids met with our priest (where WH recommited to our marriage), he agreed to IC (has attended since Aug.) and bible study (went once), etc.

But -- when he's come back home -- he's asked for space to deal with the issues in his head and the withdrawl. I let him back the last time since he had continued IC. I'm glad the counselor has now seen him go from being home, to moving in with OW, to moving back home, to moving back in with OW.

Other info? M 23 years (together 30), 3 teenagers, both 46 years old. A has been exposed to everyone, including a stranger at Costco! All family on both sides, friends, etc. support me. He has support from one friend (who wants him to be happy).

Sorry -- it's over 5 paragraphs. Anything else??

You shown that you are not able to do a plan B on your own. You need to have the Harley's conduct it and WH's return.

Read up on SexyMamaBear's and TST's recovery.

She had several false recoveries. Then she was DONE. She made conditions pretty stiff when he tried for another false recovery, including a postnup that signed everything over to her, and 100% custody of the kids, a polygraph test, and several other "surrender completely to this process or else I'm done" conditions. I believe it also included him working with Steve Harley.

TST got it, did it and never looked back.

I'm trying not to even think about what WS is doing this time -- but it's hard. I am checking the credit cards to see how much he is spending.

Right after D-day, I looked for whatever info. I could find on OW -- even had my sisters spy on her house. I actually went there one night and confronted WH and OW together. It turned into a Jerry Springer episode!! Believe me, I've grown a pair since this whole thing started!

And I agree that if (or when) WS decides to return, I'd have a third party (like Harley) negotiate his return.

The A has taken its toll on my love bank big time. I can honestly say I do not love WS. I do, however, love H and would only allow him back in my life if his old self returns. But, realistically, we've both changed so much. And I'm preparing to go it alone with the kids if he files.

HH, I think the key is to prevent your H coming back before he is ready by letting someone like Steve Harley negotiate his return. He clearly believes he can go shack up with the ho for a week and then come back when the spirit moves him. He is having his cake and eating it too.

When you go into Plan B, how does he communicate with you? Does he come in the house?

HH, I see you have done alot of things here, EXCEPT make up a plan for recovery and a plan to protect him from a relapse. The fact that he has asked for "space" is a sign that he is still in an affair and is not committed to the marriage. That would be a dead giveaway to me.

Most IC's know about butkus about adultery, much less how to recover from an affair.

Does he work with the OW? Do you live close to her? Does he see her in any capacity outside of his affair?

I agree with Mel,

Letting Steve Harley work with you will offer you the best and maybe the only chance to recover this train wreck your H created.

My bet is that H has never maintained NC, which is why he continues to vacillate between both of you.

I again would agree with Mel. This is exactly what happened with me.
You would think active waywards would be more creative, but then again active waywards ARE brain-dead.

Thanks for the advice about the other threads. I'm looking through Sexymamabear's and see Mel's input already.

As for OW, they do not work together. They met through a mutual friend. She has 3 kids from two different H's (D twice). So the kids are only with her part-time.

As for Plan B, I admit that I only implemented it last time for about 2 weeks before he decided to come home. This time, I'm following it to the letter. Communication is through FIL who has only had to leave one business-like message for WH (where the rest of his clothes were and where/when he could pick up the mail). I will not allow him in the house this time. He has no key so changing the locks is unnecessary.

WH tried calling once. DD said that I didn't want to talk and hung up on him. He texted twice and I didn't respond. But it's only been week one so WH and I don't have anything to communicate about but expect to see him next week when DDs basketball games resume.

As for finances -- he pays everything. This hasn't changed whether or not he was living here or not. Talked with a lawyer that suggested I stay married "even if just on paper" to keep all bills paid. If separated or D filed, I'd end up short.

Have you sent him a Plan B letter?