I exposed to WH's parents and sister and co-worker - must be 2 months ago now. But I did not expose to his good friends as I did not know how to reach them. Now I have found two on Facebook and one is on the island for a visit so I can expose to him. I actually plan to expose to the one who is here on the island because he is also a friend.
I am planning on plan A for another month until WH comes for his visit to the island (he is in Europe right now 'for work' - our permanent home is the Caribbean).
My WH is starting to see that he is hurting me which is a step in the right direction and he has also gone for a session with my IC and has another scheduled for this Friday (these are done on skype due to the international situation). He also gave permission for IC to talk with me about what goes on in their IC.
RIght now I see that WH feels extremely obligated to OW. She left her long term boyfriend and father of her daughter for WH. WH is moving very slowly in their relationship from what he tells me and I think she is going to start getting needy soon. The fact is that he feels that he cannot leave her even if he wanted to work on our relationship because she needs him. (not that he wants to leave her anyway).
Meanwhile, I am doing my best to work on ME! But of course my overwhelming daily thoughts are still revolving around WH and OW.
Thanks
Q

I still expose to everyone two years and a divorce later. IMO, everyone should know what kind of a sleaze my XH is.

(I only tell people right now if they ask. It's not like I run out and put up billboards or anything)

Anyone else?
My goal is still to reconcile with WH so would like some answers that work in that direction.
Thanks

I made sure that everyone knew. His friends, family, my friends, and family and OW's family. I would tell his friends, if they don't already know. And, even if they do, who knows what WH has told them.

I was still exposing 4 months after D-day.

I only stopped say 'affair' about a month ago. Now I say we 'seperated', and thats only because the other was hurting recovery.

Dear Q, you are in a great deal of pain now but I see a lot of hope.



These are very positive elements. In our case, our MC/IC was by far the most effective and influential intermediary. He could make WH see that the relationship with OW could not be viable longer term. He also made him understand what he would be destroying in the meantime. Also, because of our international situation, WH would end up hardly seeing his kids. This would have been very painful to him.

I am glad that your husband is willing to talk to your IC and is allowing you to have you talk to his. I hope that both IC's are pro-marriage. I would try to talk to his IC as soon as possible and tell him clearly that you want to restore the marriage and that the kids desparately need their father. His IC has only heard your husband's version of the facts and of the state of your marriage and issues. Therefore, he does have not have the full picture. Your husband may have painted a much more negative image of your marriage and you in order to rationalize his affair. Therefore, your input can help IC to get a better insight into your WH's mind and your situation. Hopefully, this IC is not just this type of neutral therapist who just wants your husband to "feel better" but someone who helps your husband to grow to a more mature person doing the right thing (ie. honoring his commitment to you and his kids).

You mention that your WH starts to see that he is hurting you. In what way do you notice this? My WH was very moved when he realized in how much pain I was and had been for a long time (he said he was "surprised" about that). I let him read parts of my diary describing my misery and agony and that left a big impression. It was one of the turning points in his decision to break with OW. His OW was begging and pleading and even threatening suicide but somehow, he seemed to consider that both me and her were equally in great pain and that he had to choose one way or another. Choosing her would mean losing his kids, so he chose for his family. It took him a few months to defog and then he started to participate in restoring the marriage. It is now better than ever before.

Don't give up, this is far from over and there is a lot of hope. Your kids will always be grateful to you that you have fought as hard as you can to save their family.

Hi Silda,
Thanks so much for the positive thoughts. It always feels good when someone thinks things are hopeful...
You don't have your story posted on MB anywhere do you?
I have you a bit confused though. My WH is no longer going to go to his own IC who, in any case, absolutely refuses to see me (with or without WH's approval) because he believes that he has to honor secrecy with WH. So I figure he is no good anyway. Now WH is just seeing my IC and we have both given permission for my IC to share info that we each provide to him. I know my IC is the type who will try to get WC to honor his commitment to us and so on. Just a question as to whether WH will listen.
The reason I say that WH is seeing some of the pain is that on New Year's Eve I asked him if he would be seeing her and told him how sick it made me feel to know that he would. So he said he would not see her and that he does not want to hurt me. I wish that he would understand that it is not just New Year's Eve, but ANY day of the year that it hurts. He certainly isn't 'moved' by my pain. That is for certain - but at least I see that he is beginning to see it.
I had asked him to see my IC in the past and he refused. The day we were on the phone discussing New Year's Eve, I asked him to stop seeing her altogether and he refused (he doesn't admit he is seeing her or sleeping with her but when I ask him to send a NC letter he gets really mad LOL!) Sometimes he says 'there is no OW!!!' and I respond, 'then send her a NC letter already!' and again, he gets mad. I am really glad I can laugh about this right now. It is comical when you detach enough from it.
My real hope right now is that OW starts to get needy. I assume that she desperately wants what I have but WH wants to be single and have a girlfriend. I don't think she is going to stand for that much longer and more than him seeing my pain I'm hoping now for OW to start doing her thing...
Thanks again
Q