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I am a WW.
I can certainly go into details if need be but for now my question is this: BS and I have no children. Why in the world would he choose to work on our marriage if I tell him of the A? He knows nothing of the A and to the best of my knowledge he does not suspect.
Thank you...
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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cant really say, but that's his call.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Why in the world would he choose to work on our marriage if I tell him of the A? He knows nothing of the A and to the best of my knowledge he does not suspect. Roogirl, he may not choose to work on the marriage if he knows. But that is his choice to make, not yours. He has a right to know all the facts about his own life so he can make the decision to leave or stay. He has a right to make this decision. This is information about his own life to which he is entitled. To not tell him is to keep him in a marriage based on a lie. That is cruel and manipulative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why in the world would he choose to work on our marriage if I tell him of the A? He knows nothing of the A and to the best of my knowledge he does not suspect. Roogirl, he may not choose to work on the marriage if he knows. But that is his choice to make, not yours. He has a right to know all the facts about his own life so he can make the decision to leave or stay. He has a right to make this decision. This is information about his own life to which he is entitled. To not tell him is to keep him in a marriage based on a lie. That is cruel and manipulative. Thank you for your reply MelodyLane. I moved out two months ago. With the end of the A I am (surprise surprise) rethinking my ridiculously stupid actions. BS believes (and has since before I moved out) that we are headed for D as soon as we can get some finacial stuff in order. I have an IC appointment for Monday, hoping that talking to someone will help bring some clarity to my world for the first time in...what feels like forever.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Bravo for coming to this site. It speaks volumes about you as a person! Now you need to have the love and courage to go all the way.
Please understand:
You wont have a marriage or true intimacy if you dont have the truth. The time you spend "married" under this lie is time lost.
The longer you wait, the bigger the lie becomes. The more it will cost him and your marriage.
You have as much to gain as he does by telling. You will not begin to heal yourself from the damage you have done to YOU (by having an A and lying--hurting your own heart. You know what I am talking about. I have been there too!)
Good luck.
Ahuman FWW (35)
BH-a really great human! (39)
Married 1995
As 1998, 2001
D-day 4/2004
In recovery....
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You moved out and everything and he suspects nothing? Sounds like you arent giving him enough credit.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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You owe him the truth, Roogirl, regardless of the status of your D. He has a right to know what has led to the collapse of his marriage. To leave him wondering is cruel.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You moved out and everything and he suspects nothing? Sounds like you arent giving him enough credit. Hi rusty. I'm not sure that "not giving him enough credit" is right so much as he trusts (trusted?) me explicitly. There have been other breakdowns in our M over the past several years.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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It is just that I also trusted my WW completely and when she left, I knew somebody had pushed her to it. Then a couple days later I knew it must be another guy and made her confess.
I just believe there is probably a part of him that knows.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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I see what you're saying.
BS and I (we've each fully admitted to this) have both put our relationship on the back-burner of life for a very long time. The past three years of our marriage have included: him telling me sex is boring, me bending to a very financially-binding decision that he has wanted for a long time, being intimate only three times in 2006, twice in 2007 and not at all in 2008.
Because of these things I really don't think he knows or suspects a thing.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Just out of curiosity, why did the affair end?
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Because of these things I really don't think he knows or suspects a thing. Regardless, this is information about his life that he has a right and a need to know. Not telling him is manipulative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am a WW.
I can certainly go into details if need be but for now my question is this: BS and I have no children. Why in the world would he choose to work on our marriage if I tell him of the A? He knows nothing of the A and to the best of my knowledge he does not suspect.
Thank you... How important to you are your own vows?
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Whether he suspects something or not is not really the point, is it?
Melody is right. It is his life. He has a right to know. OM does not have a right to know more about your BH life than BH knows.
Then there is you. Your own healing and growth--your own understanding of why you would deal with your personal unhappiness by having an A--will not truly begin until the truth is out.
Ahuman FWW (35)
BH-a really great human! (39)
Married 1995
As 1998, 2001
D-day 4/2004
In recovery....
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Roo, he would not trust you if he knew the truth. He only trusts you because you have successfully tricked him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just out of curiosity, why did the affair end? I told the OM I wanted out after an argument.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Because of these things I really don't think he knows or suspects a thing. Regardless, this is information about his life that he has a right and a need to know. Not telling him is manipulative. You are right.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Out of curiosity, if it was so bad then why do you want to fix it?
What led to your change of heart?
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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I am not entirely certain that I do. Perhaps it was premature of me to post before I really know what the heck is going on inside my head.
With the fog starting to clear I'm seeing my actions for what they are/have been and am starting to think that maybe our issues aren't such "deal-breakers." That maybe we aren't alone with some of the problems that we have.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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How long have you had NC with OM?
You are never alone in your problems and most of them arent deal breakers. The good people at this site can help you.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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