You think I was kidding??? You better get to work on Proverbs right now, lady!

Unless DD17 is graduating mid-year, please put off the frame project for awhile! If seeing his picture is a trigger for you, put them all away -- set a timeline to reconsider in February. Put up artwork and pictures that your kids have made then and now. Decorate your walls with reminders of the blessings you do have, and give yourself permission to wait on the collages. (I even have one room decorated in E's by DD4 and I just don't have the heart to Magic eraser all her beautiful, 4-year old E's -- I know WH would have insisted they get cleaned off the wall, but I kind of like them!)

If you have to get some of it done now, ask DD17 to pull the pictures together that she would like in the collage and exclude (for now) the ones with your WH and start working on them without his photos. You can always add later if you are up for it!

Take care of yourself!!!
BF439

Trying:
I'm just like you, too. Analytical with an excellent memory. So I rewind and rewind events over and over again. And I repeat conversations over and over again to friends and family. I even write things out and hide notes in various spots.

And I'm way too obsessive thinking of WH. But we've been together 30 years and it's hard not to think of what turned him from H to WH.

I've been at this for a while, too...one year since D-day and several false recoveries. During the recoveries, I listened as he talked about OW -- which has really messed with my head. (I know -- I should have made that a boundary. But I wanted to be there for him -- conversation wise.)

I also get obsessive thinking of OW and what a piece of work she is. The fact that she knew H was married and has continued at him for over a year!! And she's 10 years younger. I can't make myself younger. And she has kids. What kind of mother is that?

When doing the "Pro" "Con" comparison, he said the package (kids, house, dog, lifestyle) went in favor of me. But she -- she made the difference. So my only "crime" is not being her. Hope that is just wayward talk.

I know, I know. Stop it. Get thinking about something else. I'm in Plan B and need to start acting like it. But our last conversation is still so fresh in my mind, and the stuff he said this time really has me wondering if I can ever get over his words.

As for keeping busy -- yesterday I scrubbed the grout on the kitchen floor and today I did yard work. But I couldn't stop thinking....

That was me.
Is anyone else weird enought to inflict pain on themselves when thinking about their WH.
Oh wait, thats a retorical question....


T2L

Nope


This is important

You've been married MORE THAN HALF YOUR LIFE.

OW is different/strange - not exciting.

What WH really wants is for you to sit & wait for him to sow the wild oats WH did not sow when he was a young adult.

And this is why WH picks an OW who is not up to your standard - because he does not really want to replace you (the person) with a new wife - he wants to experience some "strange".

He's emotionally regressed to the level of a teenager right now.
rebellious
willful
experimental
adventurous
breaking social taboos
depressed
struggling with authority

All of which are appropriate developmental transitions for a TEENAGER to play around with - but not for a man pushing 40 years old.

STAY FROSTY ... It is not you .... It is his current lack of manly maturity.

He's stuck. One foot in adulthood and the other foot in adolescence , all the while ... his head up his asp.

HH,

I've referred to "hamsters running on a wheel" when my thoughts won't stop churning, no matter what I try to do. It contributed to major health problems due to insomnia...

Here's one trick that works to quiet the thoughts. Since I'm a musician in a past life, (pre-marriage) I know Bach's Aire on the G String - both on violin and the piano, so note for note, I play this piece in my brain, lingering on every single note, without allowing any intrusion for the full 3-5 minutes it takes for me to do it. By then my thoughts are mine, instead of the hamsters!

BTW - you might want to check out a book I'm going to mention in my Plan B cafe - just picked it up over Christmas, and I think I'm going to stock several copies of it in the cafe, just in case some betrayed spouses want to read it - Daniel Amen wrote Change Your Brain, Change Your Life - talks bout quieting thoughts.

I totally agree -- MLC---just like my H. I found lots of parallels in the book "Men in Midlife Crisis." Unlike a teenager's rebellion though, our WH's rebellion is hurting a host of people with serious consequences. And instead of growing up or out of this phase, our WH's want to grow down -- act younger, be younger. But each day that goes by, they age another day.

My WH said the same thing. If only he had more than me as his girlfriend since 15. If only he hadn't married so young. If only he had gone another course. He's forgotten that we dated 7 years before getting married, we waited another 5 years before starting a family, and we were married 23 years before he had his A. He could have broken up with me anytime along the way. Only now, when he's gone and with OW, does he feel like he's life with me was a mistake.

He also used the golf analygy. He's always hit his ball down the middle of the green. Boring and straight. He said it's funner to mix it up. Hit in a trap, or behind a tree. To his example, I said -- yeah -- but who has the better score in the end? And if you're a pro golfer and start playing like crap, you lose fans, sponsors ($) and you get frustrated. Then you wish you had your own swing back!!!

Re. racing thoughts and insomnia... you'll never guess what used to help me get to sleep. Art Bell's late night radio program, "Coast To Coast." He talks about stuff like alien abductions and chupacabras! LOL Strange enough to chase away any other thoughts, and then the commercials were just monotone enough that I'd go to sleep.

Art Bell even appeared on X-Files once, I think.

Now I think it's someone else, I think a bit more mainstream. Oh well.

One thing that has ALWAYS been able to help me sleep is to make up stories in my head. I would have these long, incredibly detailed stories that I just couldn't wait to write down, only to have them gone when I woke up. However, they kept me from thinking about things that would keep me awake. Of course, I've been writing since I was a kid, so I don't know if it would help everyone? Benadryl was a life saver too

All I can say is.... I hope he barfs wild oats. Yes he acts like a child.

So is that more than just an affair? Do all affairs exhibit this?

Is it MLC?

HE did say shortly after Dday that he should not have married me out of high school and that he should have sowed oats everywhere I thought maybe it was fog babble.

It is an affair.
And it is NOT because YOU are/were "boring".
That is my point!

T2L, sometimes when I can't sleep I listen to my dog snore that sleeps outside my door and I pretend it is my H. (smile)

T2L, I have 2 pieces of advice for you. I mean them very strongly.

1. Change your cell number. If there's an emergency that bad, he can call the police or your pastor.

2. Unplug your answering machine, and do not plug it back in until his rectocraniotomy is complete.


I would make those 2 things flash neon if I could. Your LB is in grave danger, and he is getting to you.

What other things can you do to cut him out of your thoughts, and the day to day reality of your life?

YEP...FOG BABBLE...right out of the WS HANDBOOK..

Once a WAYWARD..don't listen to anything he says...it's all BULLCRAP...

Cool, jayne!

I used to listen to Art a LOT. Then he kept retiring and coming back and then he got married too soon after his wife Ramona died suddenly--(I thought so, anyway)--like 3 months or something crazy like that. (And I used to think Paul McCartney was bad! HA! Well, I still think Paul McCartney was stupid for getting married so soon and having a baby on top of that but that was a hard lesson learned, eh? He never was my favorite Beatle anyway!)

Anyway, I haven't listened in a long time but still check the site now and then. George Noory is still hosting most of the time and Art fills in sometimes. Still the same topics, though: paranormal, Bigfoot, UFO's, etc.

Art was never on the X-Files, (trust me, I have all 9 seasons and I even watch them on occasion!)--but he was on Millenium and on a show that Spielberg produced for the Sci/Fi channel called "Taken." We started to watch it when it came out but somewhere along the way I lost interest, I have no idea why!

Okay, done yakkin' fer now. I think!!

Charlotte

Oh yes, that whole second wife / traveling to (the Philipines? Somewhere overseas) to get married so suddenly... well that bothered me. I didn't listen regularly so it was like one day he was married to Ramona, and the next he was retired or overseas or something, and the next he was talking about his wife who wasn't Ramona and I wasn't sure what had happened.

Hmm, what was he on then? I must be thinking of Millenium, cus I never saw "Taken." Unless there was something else he was on... Oh the memories! Back when I had time to watch tv!

LOL! Yeah, me too! It's so quiet around here now, the tv used to be on all of the time, especially when Gray was home! The dang tv ruled the schedule! Ridiculous!

Yeah, Ramona died when she and Art were staying at a hotel. She had an asthma attack during the night and he woke up and found her gone. That was at the beginning of that year and the next thing you know...three months later he was getting remarried!! :MrEEk:

That was just TOO quick! I couldn't help thinking at the time that he already knew Miss Chickie-poo before Ramona died. I never found out if he did, though.

Yeah, he moved down there for a while and had to do quite a lot to broadcast from there and then there was a bad hurricane and not long after that he and his new bride moved back to Pahrump. Then she was pregnant. She was pretty young at the time, too.

So maybe he didn't know her and just picked her out of some Phillipine want-ads for brides or something. Maybe he just couldn't stand to be alone and was trying to recreate Ramona. I don't know, it's still weird, whatever the reason!!

Yeah, it was probably Millenium you are thinking of. We used to like that one until Chris Carter started pushing the "Millenium Group" angle instead of sticking to the original theme. Plus I think I remember that he killed off a main character and that about did it for us.

Anyway, I ramble on!! LOL!! Time for bed now, though!

Charlotte

For Trying and for anyone finding obsessive thoughts a serious problem, I have the following suggestion.

A full 2 years after D Day of March 2005, I was still going through my slow, not-quite nervous breakdown. In April 2007 read an article in the British Observer magazine about hypnotherapy. It was part of the health and beauty section, in which journalists try out various treatments and report on them. This journalist visited a hypnotherapist in London and reported positively. She hadn't gone there to get help specifically with her love life but with her peace of mind more generally. However, the therapist uncovered a broken relationship which on the surface she had got over, but about which underneath she was still unhappy about.

Under hypnosis, he got her to let it go, and a few weeks later, when she wrote the article, she was experiencing relief from an unhappiness she hadn't realised she was still feeling. Her article named the therapist and the clinic (The Hale Clinic, a quite well-known centre for alternative therapies in London.) In desperation in May 2007 I booked an appointment with the same therapist and the treatment made a world of difference to me. The therapist couldn't wave a magic wand and change my husband or make the affair something that never happened, but the session dramatically reduced my misery, obsessive thoughts and feelings that H had done what he had because I hadn't been good enough. In fact, the feelings that I hadn't been good enough and that OW had been some sort of queen were turned completely upside down. From the moment I got home that day (it took about an hour for me to realise I felt different) I realised genuinely that I was a goddess and OW was crap beneath my shoe. I have walked on air ever since.

The only downside was that for some time I also looked down on WH, rather badly. I saw him as pathetic, unprincipled and a bad father for doing what he did to our kids. While the affair was in progress we were having frequent, and I thought good sex and fun at home but he wanted sex with a bit of strange THAT BADLY that he would risk breaking up our family for a woman that he did not ever want to live with, but was sexually obsessed with.

That feeling of contempt was a big problem because I was still living with him and trying to make recovery successful. I had to work a bit to adjust my feelings for him so that I could carry on living with him. I tried to build respect for him by recognising how much he did to keep us together. He did maintain contact with her for two years until I was driven to contact her H (just before I tried the hypnotherapy), but he also gave up the job he liked and stayed through all my hatred of him. He tries hard now to make me happy.

I told OWH my experience and he saw the same therapist when he visited London. He reported a big improvement to his own well-being. When I exposed the affair to him in 2007, he had known that my H and his W had "had lunch" a couple of times in 2003 and he had banned her from doing so again. He never suspected that my H had already slept in his bed and travelled abroad with his wife, and that the affair had continued for another 3 years after his partial discovery. He was so badly affected that he was prescribed anti-depressants, but the hypnotherapy calmed his thoughts more than the drugs seemed to.

Anyway, you might care to look into it, if you are in a bad way. Make sure that you choose a qualified hypnotherapist. You don't have to believe in it or practice anything on your own at home. You more or less tell him or her what the problem is and what you want done about it, and then listen to what is said to you when you are in a very relaxed state (you are not put to sleep!). What is said will act on your unconscious mind without your having to do anything. You would get a huge confidence boost and strength to go through this long trial if you tried a session. My session in London cost me £90 for one hour and I never needed another. You would probably pay less than this is you did not go to a swanky clinic, but you must make sure your therapist belongs to some institute that is seen as respectable in your country.

Have you ever tried R.E.B.T?

This is a very good plan you can use to help your thinking "stay on track".
It has been used for decades by quite a few self help orginizations, and it is very effective.
You can buy books on this--

In fact- quite a few modern "self help" theories are basically R.E.B.T. plans that have been altered.

But -- you can find all the information you need to start practicing this online for free.

I gave a lecture on this, and I should go back and...wait a min. found it:

http://www.stressgroup.com/articles/article/1228898/13404.htm

Sheepishly toeing the ground....I've a confession.

The only cane sugar I buy is organic...as such, it still has a high molasses content and makes the tea taste like molasses...blech.

The Wookie has diabetes...splenda is the only sweetner on the table.

In trying to back up the Wookie and not over sugar anything, so I've taught myself to drink iced tea totally without sugar - and, dern it all, I like it that way.

Mel's gonna kill me.

I'm still a GRITS woman, tho.