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I have decided to discuss professional treatment, thank you for all of your advice. some of it really helped, Since I was told I don't belong here I will find some where I do.
Last edited by theotherman1; 01/05/09 05:45 PM. Reason: left site
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otherman, just to be sure I'm not confused about your situation, please confirm these facts from your post:
- You're not married
- You started seeing a WW who didn't inform you that she was married
- WW is also banging other guys (ie, "other extramarital activities")
- You want to be exclusive with the WW
- WW is still married
- You want advise as to the best solution for your situation.
If these are the facts of your situation, you won't have to go to the trouble of posting the rest of the story. The solution is simple, but not necessarily easy. You wrote the NC letter to the wrong woman. You should have written it to the WW and encouraged her to try and work things out with her husband. You get a pass for starting a R with her if you didn't know she was married (I assume this is the big omission you are referring to), but you won't get any sympathy on this board for continuing to see her after you found out.
As for a long term R with this woman, how would you ever trust her? How would you feel if you were the betrayed husband? Don't even think about pursuing a future with this MARRIED woman. You've already admitted that she brings out the worst in you. You may feel in love with her, but those feelings will pass when you break contact with her. The baggage that would follow her into this relationship will be there forever. Do yourself a favor and find someone who isn't married.
"People will judge you by your actions, not your intentions."
Me - 41
Her - 38
Married - 1995
Children - 1 son (22 months)
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you won't get any sympathy on this board for continuing to see her after you found out. Hmm..do you want to know my goal, what my end result has been from the onset of our relationship. I can have her post to attest to this if it is required, I would rather not have her on my thread, this is for me. My goal has been to see her to a healthy place in her life. A place where she is not being used, abused and made into less of a person than she is. irregardless of whither or not she is with me in the end, as a lover, or more, I want her to be able to not feel dead inside because of him. In a perfect world this is how it would go, and how I have asked her for it to go, I want her to go NC with both of us. At this point in her life myself and her abusive husband are festering wounds to her. I know if she doesn't make the decisions from a place of strength, her OWN strength; not leaning on me, him or anyone with a vested interest she will never come to a good outcome she can stick with. As it stands the abusive husband will not agree to NC, he has used bits and pieces of the logic on this site, which if used properly works, he has used it as a tool to manipulate and sway, it doesn't work like that. Tom
Last edited by theotherman1; 01/05/09 06:14 PM.
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- You're not married
- You started seeing a WW who didn't inform you that she was married
- WW is also banging other guys (ie, "other extramarital activities")
- You want to be exclusive with the WW
- WW is still married
- You want advise as to the best solution for your situation. TOM, I just wanted to point out that this is a MARRIAGE FORUM, not an adultery forum. This is not a website that helps adulterers formalize adultery into a marriage. What I can tell you is this: Dr Harley: My experience, and the experience of other professionals is that about 95% of all affairs either end by one person deciding to end it, or that it dies a natural death. Of the five percent that end in marriage, about 70% of those end in divorce. There are a host of reasons that romantic relationships that start with an affair are so fragile, but the main reason is that they are based on deceit, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. Those characteristics eventually find themselves permeating the affair itself. They eventually find themselves being deceitful, thoughtless, and dishonest toward each other. My suggestion would be to start using some common sense in your selection of a mate. Marrying a cheater and a liar is not wise, unless you value those traits in a marriage for yourself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There's nothing complicated about your situation. You cheated, she cheated, continues to do so, and you both have excuses to condone it. If you want to be healthy as you say, work on yourself so you don't hurt people in the future and find a better mate than a WW.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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To say there is no way for something to work, then close your eyes plug your ears and scream NA NA NA NA NA NA NA, is not an option. To put what you said into an analogy, it would be like shooting a dog with a 95% chance of death without ever trying to fix it. Your analogy doesn't make a lick of sense. You wouldn't be "shooting the dog" if you walked away, but using some common sense and getting your nose out of a place where it doesn't belong. You are in an AFFAIR with a married woman. Her marriage is none of your business and you are wasting your time with a married woman. use some common sense, please. You came to the wrong place if you are looking for support for a sleazy affair. This is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not affair builders.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To put what you said into an analogy, it would be like shooting a dog with a 95% chance of death without ever trying to fix it. Not shooting a dog. Removing a deadly cancer.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Frankly TOM,
Your opinion of the her husband doesn't count for spit. It was/is not your marriage. You have likely gotten only part of the story and frankly if they have been married for 27 years I am SURE you don't know the whole story. She could have left him at anytime. Clearly she had a "profession" she was good at and could do if/when she left him. Yet she did not.
Now she claims she is leaving, perhaps she is, perhaps she is not.
My recommendation to you is stay the heck out of it. You have admitted you were one of many. You have admitted she lied to you. You have admitted that she was married for 27 years to him. You have admitted that you know she is married and will be until she is not.
Does any of this recommend her as a good candidate for marriage? Not really. In fact, not at all. She did what she did because she wanted to and/or it was the easiest way to get what she wanted.
People don't change because of "love", they may appear to change when someone is "in-love" with them, but change???? NOPE!
Stay way from her, let her divorce, let her learn to live her life and then... who knows.
JL
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I'm wondering if this is a troll because the "WW" is posting on here too. It seems rather odd.
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.
I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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and I want to be able to reconcile with the woman I love. After a recent ban I promised I would be nice to waywards so here goes...... Your line above should be all that matters TOM. To do so will take some real intestinal fortitude. Do you have it?
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iam,
The woman he "loves" is his affair partner. She is the WW, and he is the OM. I don't think he says if he is married or not.
If he truly loves her like he says, he should walk away so she can figure this out for herself. She doesn't need him further clouding the situation. If the relationship between WW and her H is as abusive as he says it is, he could inform WW's family and friends about WW situation before walking away. By staying in the situation, TOM can only make things worse for WW.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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iam,
The woman he "loves" is his affair partner. She is the WW, and he is the OM. I don't think he says if he is married or not.
If he truly loves her like he says, he should walk away so she can figure this out for herself. She doesn't need him further clouding the situation. If the relationship between WW and her H is as abusive as he says it is, he could inform WW's family and friends about WW situation before walking away. By staying in the situation, TOM can only make things worse for WW. That's not the way I understood it but it's moot, he's gone.
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She is not yours, you have no right to try to claim her. Move on.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Tom,
I'm just curious as to why you feel that the WW's H or any other married W's H has to somehow pass your standard of judgement. Did someone make you the "qualified husband" police?
Inlight of the fact that your WW has been married for 27 years, I view her story as highly suspect. Did you witness this first hand, and have talked to her H face to face, or were you told this story by her. I don't know the truth, just suggesting that perhaps, you don't either.
Encourage the WW to seek profesional help, and walk away. Find a nice single women.
All Blessings,
Jerry
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Tom,
In case you happen to return and read more:
All ex husbands are demonized by their cheating wives. It happened to me.
I don't know of any happily married women who have affairs. Those that do, like your married girlfriend, will make all kinds of justifications to rationalize their cheating.
She's cheating on her husband.
If you really want to impress us, then call and talk to the husband. I bet you a million dollars and a case of beer that he doesn't know that his wife is cheating on him.
I'll also introduce you to a broken man and a broken soul.
You're only hearing one side of things. Keep that in mind.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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My goal has been to see her to a healthy place in her life.
Tom I have an idea ! :MrEEk: Why not change your goal to work on yourself to find a "healthy place" in YOUR life. To think it is your place to "fix" another man's wife is a pompous conceit. You're not so hot yourself! 
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