I have always wished we had a section for parenting after divorce.

OK, so the adultery sucks, you try and MB your way to recovery, but end up divorced anyway. Now you have these heartbroken kids with one heartbroken parent and one parent off in lala land.

How do you deal with your own children's heartbreak when you didn't want the divorce to start with?

My Ex has been gone three years and I am still dealing with tears from my 11yo DD today. Ex is living with a new GF (not OW) and DD is having so much trouble coping. Ex and GF have been living together since last Spring. Apparently, they are all taking a trip to Ex's sister this month and GF is going along.

This seems to have sent 11yo DD into a crying jag as it is more evidence that her parents will not get back together. DD says she likes GF, she just doesn't want her Dad to be in love with anyone except her mom.

I am not going to bash her Dad, that is the only Dad she has. Personally, I am a little glad he is "happy", it keeps him from being grumpy with me. She refuses to talk to her father about her feelings and spends her weekends with him holed up in her room.

The kids went through a little but of therapy right after her left, but they both feel strongly about not starting therapy again.

So they cry and I get so frustrated. I didn't want this, I am cleaning up another mess of his and he is oblivious. I try to help the kids and he doesn't even know who they are anymore. My resentment has got to affect the way I deal with their tears even though I try, with every fiber of my being, to not let it.

I have dealt with my own false hope and denial for a long time (even though I never let the kids know that I still was hoping for reconciliation). I finally came to realize that the man never loved me and this is all going to be OK.

Any advice on how to help my children deal with their loss of the dream of intact family bliss?

My understand that you don't want to bash your ex to your kids, but even I felt a twinge when I read that your daughter likes his GF.

I don't think I'd be above bashing her until my kids didn't want to be in the same room with her.

You know...tell them all about her meth habit. How she narrowly escaped conviction for child molestation, her numerous infectious diseases, etc.

I say the GF is fair game.

Krazy,

Your approach may make since if the GF was the OW , but, in this case, she is just some chick that he met well after the OW dumped him and the divorce was final.

And logically, making my kids hate all future GF's, chasing them off and forcing Ex into a life of celibacy, will still not bring him running home to me. (That only happens in Disney movies).

So, let's just say there is no GF, for the sake of arguement, the kids still need a boost on that acceptance train.

Sorry about this Jean. She probably needs more time - she is at a tender age to lose her father. I think all you can do is be supportive so she will remain open with you. You want to make sure she feels comfortable communicating with you no matter what. Help her to understand that you can love someone and be angry with them at the same time. Unfortunately, kids are forced to deal with divorce regardless of their age, maturity and ability to handle it.

Sorry about that...I was thinking GF was the OW.

As a child of divorce due primarily to adultery, all I can say is make sure the kids understand that the divorce isn't their fault. Even if they say they understand it isn't their fault, reinforce that fact regularly.

That's all I have.

So, I'm not as far along as you, so my standard caveat of What-the-hell-do-I-know applies, but I think the answer is tell them that it's okay to have those feelings. Yes, it is a sad and frustrating thing. You're sad and frustrated, too. Tell them you'd be surprised if they *didn't* feel that way. Help them express the feelings if they're having trouble figuring out why they're angry.

The more you're able to put your own emotions to the side and be objective, the better. There. Sounds easy, right?

Thanks Tabby and Krazy for the tips.

She ended up throwing up, so either she was so upset-it made her sick. Or, she was sick and that made her more emotional today.

It is just hard to try to teach her coping skills for something that I am still trying to cope with. And some of the things I say to her feel so unnatural. Talking about being glad that Dad is happy and has someone nice in his life, Sheesh, that is a hard pill for me to swallow and I am 40 years old.

My DivorceCare leader said that the daughter-stepmother relationship is usually the least successful in blended families. I wish that I had a relationship with Ex that would be open to having a conversation about how the kids are adjusting. But it is impossible to talk to him about anything, we don't communicate at all.

Weird, he used to be the leader of my family and now he is the main obstacle to our mental peace.

It is a mess, isn't it?

There are many of us who are coping with the same situation.

I don't rely on the Z to step up at all, when it comes to discipline or when it comes to talking openly with our son.

I have to say that I disagree with you not being honest about how you feel in this situation, Jean. Why are you not openly discussing your own struggle to understand, and let the children know that you are there to hear them and figure it out together?

I don't believe in denying my own issues with the divorce; I just don't bad mouth his dad. I have been honest with my son in that the divorce was not what I wanted, and that I love him, the divorce is not his fault in any way, and that I am there for him if he needs/wants to talk.

Unfortunately, we cannot stand in for the other parent and make it all better.

I believe you SHOULD at least tell their father about the children's struggles; email it if he's that much of a horse's patoot. Even if he does nothing about the situation, he is aware of their sadness. It is then up to him to grow a set and be a man to help his children thru one of the toughest times in their lives.

In the end, I can only say that I treat my relationship with my son as completely separate from the Z. It's just the way it is now. I cannot speak for the Z. I can only reassure my DS that *I* intend on being there for him, no matter what --happiness/sadness/anger (toward me/the world/his dad/whatever).

Putting my own emotions to the side is always step one. Sometimes, I tell them I need a minute before we can sit down and problem solve this. Inside, I am seething that this crap seems to never end.

Early on in Ex's-GF's relationship, the kids would cry every time he dropped them off. According to the girls, he gets very ga-ga in a new relationship and they went a couple of months being the invisable kids. So I am mad that 1) my kids are hurt and 2)I don't want to hear about how ga-ga he is with every one but never was with me.

Now, they are just freaked out about the possibility of them getting married and having an official "step-mom". Since they are already living together, I doubt that much will change, but it is a source of anxiety for the kids.

I wish I could tape record the conversations the kids have with me and send them to Ex. I don't want him to be a monk (well, secretly I probably do), I just want him to chill out and keep the kids in mind.

One complaint that Ex had about his childhood was his father's Gf's and the constant stream of women and children that came into his life. Shocking that he doesn't remember that now.

I imagine that this is going to get worse as she gets older.

She's grieving. She's going to go through the process and you can tell her it's ok.

I think kids have the hardest time getting over the split, especially older ones.

My parents moved on long before I did and my brother and sister did.

We were older and had memories of being a family.

My daughter says some things about remembering "when we were all together" but has adjusted to the changes.

I think it's easier when they're younger.

Your DD will be difficult with all women your ex ends up with. It's just the nature of the beast in divorce and something I expect on my end whenever I do meet someone myself.

I know at that age I wouldn't accept anyone else as a "parent" and that is the secret. I think a step parent has things go better when they accept that they are friends and mentors more so than parents. This is especially the case when the other parent is around.

My kids will never have another mom. They have one and they like her just fine.

I only hope she respects the same on her end and doesn't try to change that.

But I do know it's likely to backfire on her if she does try. Kids know who their parents are. You can't just throw a new person in and say, "love this one now."

Your daughter is just dealing with the real finality of it all. It's truly over when you see your parent with a new person. When they're single you hold out hope that something can happen between your parents, but when those parents find new people that hope is lost.

I guess that all I can offer is to give her hugs and let her know you're there and you understand that it's hardest on her.

I don't recommend saying that you're happy that dad is happy and found someone else. Those sounded like empty words when my mom tried them on me.

And it doesn't make the kid feel better.

That's like telling a person who'se been stabbed in the back that the stabber feels guilty and is in therapy and has made a lot of progress.

Doesn't do a whole lot to take away the pain of the stab wound.

I was very open with my heartbreak at the beginning. My daughters and I cried often together. They still know that if I could wave a magic wand, this all would have never happened.

But, he has been gone for three years now. I don't know him anymore, I can't say what I would do if he ever did show interest in me as a romantic partner. I literally have no clue who that man is. He is the guy that watches my kids on the weekends while I am at work, that is all I know. Well, if he was just a babysitter, I could have a conversation about the children with him, so he is not quite as amicable as a babysitter.

I did try to talk to him once about the trouble that the kids were having, he informed me that they were fine when they were with him and that I was just crazy...the end.

Pomdbd3,

So much of what you said rings true. Today, DD said she barely remembers us being together anymore.

I was 13 when my parents divorced. It was a drunken, violent marriage and we children were all relieved when it was over. When I was 16, my Dad moved a woman in with us. There was a bit of competition at first, but as I moved towards my own wild teenager ways, I was glad he had a distraction so I could get away with more.(Not really the experience I wish for my DD's).

Sadly, DD said she wasn't worried about me having a boyfriend, she said I won't forget about her even if I am 'in love'. One reason I don't date seriously is not wanting to put the kids through that on my end too.

Hugs and listening seem to be the only advice, I really wish I could do more.

I understand what you are saying, but I would continue to tell him whenever your kids take a downturn. The kids have TWO households now, so half of their lives is a mystery to your WH. It matters NOT what his reaction is, just keep telling him.


so why not convey these ideas to your children, so that they do not feel so alone in their opinion of their alien father. It's okay to be honest with them. They SHOULD know that what he has done is wrong; it may help them to avoid making the same mistakes. Maybe not, but it's always better to be informed than flailing in the dark.

He's a putz, Jean. It's normal to AVOID reality when you make such an enormous mistake as your WH has. Why would he admit that he's fubar'd his kids lives? That would mean he'd have to look in the mirror and admit he messed up.

Just keep hugging them, telling them how you feel about them, reassure them you will ALWAYS be there for them, and do not forget to give them discipline/structure.

You cannot make your WH want to be a better man, he has to want it for himself. This may be the man your children have to accept and learn ways of dealing with.

Telling them that their feelings are okay, and that it is okay for them to feel them. Being honest about your feelings, too.


What Ms. Lucidity said.

Thanks SL and SD,

We three had a nice talk at dinner time tonight. We talked about how OD's acceptance seems to come in chunks while YD has had more of a slow trickle. YD gets mad, OD gets sad, OD is more verbal and YD takes some digging to get her to admit there is an issue.

I think it was a good talk. They both tolerate this GF OK and we talked about how bad it could be if it was a different GF. Sadly, my Ex has had the girls around 4 different "partners" including OW. But there has been no mention of marriage that I know of, it is just something that the girls worry about. One thing that bothers them, this GF talks about how she never had "little girls" and that ticks the kids off. First, they are NOT little (being 9 and 11 and all mature and all), second, they are NOT hers.

I told the girls that the only thing I can do is either help them with coping or help them voice their opinions to their Dad. But they both express reluctance to confront him about any displeasure.

I wonder if they feel like he thinks the females in his life are disposable and they don't want to be discarded??

They also wondered if he is cheating on GF?

I really know very little about their life at their Dad's and it is best that way. As soon as he left, he made it very clear to the kids that his life was none of my business.

I did say to the girls that their Dad is not the type to cheat on one woman after the next, to which YD replied "Why not, he cheated on you".

So it sounds like they just have quite a bit of figuring out to do. They worship(ped?) their Dad and I think they are struggling with the reality of their parents' screw ups.

But on the up side, I had a home phone service turned on today. First time in years we have had a home phone. So the kids have had a blast (and driven) me crazy by calling each other from the house to the cell phone. They think this is the coolest thing!

My mom dated a man after the D and us 3 kids had an initial resistance to him. He felt like an invader and an outsider.

He's a good man and is good to my mom and is good with us.

We have more of a friendly relationship than anything else.

He's accepted.

But I respect that he also knows when to back away to give my mom space to spend time with us. We live out of state so he doesn't have to do it often.

I've learned from him if I'm ever a step parent.

She probably feels as awkward towards your daughters as they do to her. She may make comments in an attempt to be light hearted and joke, yet doesn't know she's stepping on toes.

Hard to understand if you've never been on the other end of it as a kid.

I could see how such a comment could rub them the wrong way.

I once had a hissy fit when my mom sat me at the side of the table instead of the head of the table and placed her new boyfriend (and future husband) there when I came to see her.

I felt that I should have been at the end of the table since I was the oldest kid.

It was a stupid reaction in hindsight, but it was all emotional at the time. I felt invaded and intruded on.

And there was the awkwardness of interacting with his kids. I have step siblings but we never talk unless we communicate in person there.

It's not out of bad feelings. It's just that we don't know each other well.

I think it's ok to let the girls know that it is ok to be friendly with the GF and that the GF should pay for the sins of the OW. She feels just as weird around them as they feel around her.

Doesn't mean they will hold hands and sing Kumbaya, but a baby step can be made.

Jean, I am sorry to hear this.

I am not a parent but I just wanted to comment on what the GF said about her never having "little girls". Maybe she really likes the girls but doesn’t know what to say? Or maybe she wishes that she had kids too?

I think it is a good thing if she wants to build a good relation with your daughters. There are too many examples of new GFs and wives that would rather just get rid of the kids to have their father alone. Sad but true!

Anyway, I think that you should encourage your daughters to talk to their dad. They are still children but it is a step in their development to have not-so-pleasant conversations. As I said, I don't have kids and maybe 9 year old is too young for that but you know them best and can decide. It sounds like your Ex won't listen to you but you can still write him an email and tell him about your daughters' feelings.

They really seem to trust you and feel that you will always love them no matter what. I think that you should be proud to be such an excellent parent!

You do want someone who treats your kids well. No one says they have to be friends with you, but you want someone who is good to them.

I am like you and have wrestled with the idea of what it would be like for my kids if I had someone in my life. They'd have to share their time with me with that person and it might be tough for them.

I really wrestle with that.

I was thinking some more about this. I am active on other divorce support web boards and there are frequent discussions about when to bring a new partner around the kids. Some are about affair partner and some are about people that for some reason are divorced or separated or when the other parent (usually the father) was never around. In general people tend to bring their new partners around their kids way too early. Even if the new partner is not immediately harmful to the kids, it is quite common that the new relationship ends. The kids then have to face a new separation from a person who has become a part of their life.

Many kids that experience new partners come and go in their parent's life will avoid building any relation to them. I was wondering if that could be one reason that your daughters are upset. They like the new GF but they suspect - on good grounds from previous experience - that she is not permanent in their lives. Of course I think that all other concerns in this thread are also valid but I just wanted to point this out.