Warning, this is one sided for the betrayed. I was thinking way too much today and am really mad.<P>Does anyone else wonder why we the betrayed put so much effort on trying to win back the betrayer? We get sick, loose weight, loose sleep and are depressed as hell and still alone. Why?<P>My W pretty much pulled my still beating heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground and is continuing to stomp on it by her actions.<P>She called again today asking me why I want her to come back if I filed the divorce papers. I told her I love her and want to make this work. But do I really. Am I ready for the months or years it takes to put this back together as a marriage.<P>I got to thinking, this is harassment. Stop calling me asking me this. You want to know why I filed, you were out dating someone else for two and a half years. duh?<P>I had a good life before I met her, had very good credit and was happy go lucky. After 11 years what I have to show is p!ss poor credit, she put me in the poor house and I'm depressed as hell. Not any more.<P>I changed my thinking completely today. Earlier I was very sorry for the way I treated her and being a bad H. Now, I mad as hell she ruined my life up to this point. If she begged to come home now I'd tell her to go pound sand.<P>I must have come out of MY fog today. Sorry but I am mad for everything she has done to me. This sounds cruel and mean, but she did not take into account any of my feelings for the last few years and I guess now my resentment is surfacing.<P>Sorry this turned into a *****ing thread but I wondered what you guys thought. Not trying to tell you all to forget your marriage but I'm done.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

Medic,<BR>I understand what you are going thru. I too thought that my life, while lonely for a while, would eventually be better(addition thru subtraction).<P>However once her affair ended, I just wanted her back. I haven't had second thoughts, but am unsure of my slef and her. While the divorce papers were floating back and forth, I was focused. Now while they are on hold I'm not sure where to focus. I still have my kids and my job to worry about and now trying to win my spouse back.<P>I guess I would like to see her come crawling back to me asking me to forgive her. She hasn't done that so far and I'm not sure she will.<P>The thought of years trying to rebuild scare me also. But the alternative is to divorce, find somebody else and get to know them(very well this time) and if its right get married, or to just play the field which I don't think I would be good at.<P>You have to do what is right for you. Just don't rush into things with the divorce. If things don't work out then your divorce option is still available.

HI Medic,<BR>I am not so sure that getting angry is really a bad thing? It gives us an incredible amount of strength and courage when we feel slighted and abused. It is sort of refreshing to find we still have that deep sense of self-to the point that we will not take any more nonsense.<BR>Love? Sure we still love them and adore them. But to sit by and be abused is not a way to show that you love someone! No one has the right to continually do this to another person. I get this feeling that your wife may be testing just how far you will go medic. <BR>Of course she has neglected your feelings. How else could a human do these sorts of things? She did not to this 'to you' medic. She did it for her, and your pain was a byproduct of all this. I am sure it was not intentional-she doesn ot hate you ar try to inflict pain. It just happens while she is being selfish. <BR>This is always such a good place to rant....to pitch a fit and let others know just how pissy we really feel!! <BR>Getting mad is okay medic!! Find something to break that will do no harm. Find somewhere to scream and yell where no one will hear you. Be mad-you have earned the right. But do not take it out on your w.

Hi RWD, Thanks for the response.<P>It seems to me that the months or years it would take to rebuild the marriage is just another way of inviting the W to inflict more pain and suffering. I'd be saying please keep putting me thru the wringer. I would be loosing my will to live. If she is 15 minutes late coming home from work, is she with him? If I ask, it's a love buster. If I don't I'm this much closer to an ulcer or mental breakdown.<P>The years could be put to better use, I believe, meeting someone new. The slate is clean. No bad feelings. No resentment. No trust issues. It's only a thought. <P>Hey CL good to hear from you,<P>I'm not so sure that shes testing the waters. She used to be real good at mind games. Says something to elicite a response. I'm not so bad at it either. But this is a marriage and not a game. If she is testing the waters she would surely drown. I'm dead serious. This is the end of the game. Two minute warning.<P>It's funny just yesterday an old girlfriend called out of the blue just to chat. Life works in mysterious ways.<P>I did some most impressive venting today at work. The other crew was out and I started yelling at Val, she wasn't really there, in the bays. The only one that heard me was the second ambulance and that only looked at me funny. I then proceeded to beat the stuffing out of a spare pillow. I have to remember to get another pillow tomorrow.<P>I can't believe I put myself thru so much these past 7 months. What was I thinking. I must be in love with the idea of being in love. Its so clear to me now what to do.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

I am with you completely on this subject. I have had my heart stomped on, walked over and laughed at for the last year and a bit. When is enough enough? I understand completely where you are coming from and I feel exactly the same way. Why should I just wait until my H is finished with his little bit of fluff and be ready to welcome him home open armed! I too am a human being with emotion and feeling and why should I be treated this way after 14 years of committed marriage. Sorry, I am ranting on your thread but I feel the same way you do today.

Hey Medic-<P>I sounds like many of us betrayed are coming out of the fogs these days. Did you read Erics thread?<P>I am with you, my friend. I too, have changed my thinking. To me, if ANYONE should be doing the 'winning' back, it is them, not us. <P>I know exactly how you feel. My h has sent me to hell and back and for what? The great opportunity to sit across the table from him with our attorneys, squabling over who gets the waffle maker. I dont think so!!!<P>I was happy before I met him. I will be happy without him. He has turned into a person that I has no desire to have in my life. I want someone with morals, with values. I want someone who RESPECTS ME! <P>You wife knows exactly why you filed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It was her actions that brought you to this point.<P>I say, plan B her. You will feel better. Don't talk to her anymore. Tell her you love her but are not going to share her anymore. When and if she can get rid of Brian, then and only then can you begin to have a relationship again. There is NO reason for you to keep going through this everyday. She knows you love her. I think right now that is only adding to her ego. It isn't stopping anything. Stop communication. I know it's hard. But, if you are serious about getting your life back on track, I highly recommend it.<P>Good Luck, Medic. I'm pulling for you.<P><BR>cheryl

I go back and forth. Sometimes I think the memory of the loving, romantic, affectionate man my husband once was (to me) must be a figment of my imagination. Other times I know it WAS real, but I'm just having a hard time accepting its really gone. <P>It is almost a year since his affair started. He ended the affair 5 months ago, but hasn't come back to the marriage. So do I hold him to a deadline? His affair started on an annual business trip. He's still in the same job with the same coworker, and the trip will happen again in December. I told him long ago that I wouldn't be around waiting for him if he didn't have a new job by now. I really don't think I can stand wondering whether he's with her and what they are doing together. And the total lack of respect for me and my feelings. When will I get a clue and realize this man JUST DOESN'T CARE about me? He cares about his self-image. He cares about his role as a father. But he couldn't care less about me, about our marriage, or about our family. It's all about him. <P>Is it outrageous to expect him to leave his job? Of course not. I've given up a number of jobs because of what's best for the family. A job is something you do to support your family. It shouldn't be more important than your family. <P>Anyway, I'm rambling. I totally understand where you're coming from, Medic.

Medic,<BR>Sorry you are having such a bad day. Don't let your decision to divorce be based on these flying emotions! These are just some thoughts: What was your part over the last 11 yrs in your credit being destoyed? Did you know your wife had a spending problem? Was is easier to let her spend than to take away the credit cards? This is probably not all her fault. Secondly, if you go into a new relationship what are you going to do the first time your new partner is late? Because of what you have been through chances are you will wonder who she is with. Unfortunately, this is all a part of us. It is baggage we all have to deal with. I am of the mindset that if at all possible you take what you have with your wife and rebuild there.<P>Start working on making you a better person. I read a book by Gary Smalley called "Winning your Husband Back Before it is Too Late." He has one on Wives too. Read the book. He is not going to tell you so much what to do for your wife, but what to do for YOU. You have been terribly hurt and need to rebuild you whether it be for you current wife, or for future relationships. Hang in there. Don't take what I had to say too personally. I just don't want to see you playing the blame game. Nobody wins with that game!

Hey Guys, just some more thoughts from a guy who woke up today.<P>loveu,<P>Please feel free to rant as much as you like. I made real progress by doing the same, well at least in my mind. I'm sure Dr H would not agree with what I am doing but I declare this "Wake up Week"<P>Cee Cee,<P>Have been following your story. When does it all end? Well for me I think it was about noon.<P>I agree with you completely in regard to who should be winning back who. I absolutely contributed to my current situation. But refuse to be an unwilling participant in my physical and mental demise by her hand and actions.<P>I could never before do the Plan B. I always worried that if I don't answer the phone when she calls, she will stop calling. <P>Guess what. I plan to answer the phone one more time to give her the message "I love you and am sorry it didn't work out. Please go to the lawyer and sign the papers tomorrow. This is the last time I will speak to you as my W or forever for that matter. Have a great life" <P>Hey Animac,<P>It seems that I can remember all of the past 11 years we spent together. The good and the bad. W can only recall the bad. It's ashame for her because we did have some great times. Maybe one day it will all come back to her.<P>As for deadlines, I issued so many ultimatums I can't remember. They came and went. No improvement noted except the next one issued was taken a little less serious. No deadlines anymore. Free at last, free at last.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

Hi Derby, didn't mean to leave you out. Must have been posting at the same time.<P>I don't consider this a "bad day". I see this as the damn roller coaster I was riding for 7 months finally stopped at the station and I got off. I was a little dizzy at first but now see just fine.<P>Yes, The spending was also my fault. Val is very materialisic and I was trying to show my young W my love for her by buying possessions. That worked out well. She got the gold mine and I got the shaft.<P>I would have nearly total trust [learned here not to give total trust to anyone] in a new partner until she didn't deserve it. I would keep my eye out. But doubt that bugging the phones would be nessessary from the start. <P>I am leaving my baggage at the gate. I have learned so much from this site and you guys over the last months. I can say with certainty that I am a MUCH better person now that I ever was. Some one is going to be getting a great H out of me.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

For whatever reason, this thread struck me. In it, I saw several individuals who seem to feel like I do. For over four months, I was in extreme agony over W's decision to leave the marriage and live with Mr. Wonderful. I would have walked through fire to win her back.<P>As of 2-3 weeks ago, it's as though God threw a switch in me. I no longer feel the anguish and gut wrenching pain. Sure, it still hurts, but I now know that I will not only survive, but THRIVE!! I now am trying to expedite the divorce myself!!<P>W and I haven't talked in over 3 months. She has been trying to get a hold of me to "talk" (no..not about reconciliation, but division of marital assets.) I REFUSE to talk to her. I ignore her phone messages and don't answer the door when she just shows up. She has not taken my Plan B letter seriously where I asked her NOT to see or talk to me until the affair is over. Well, it's not over but she continues to TRY to trample on my emotions. NO LONGER!!!<P>She cannot get into the house (changed locks). I honestly hope to NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.<P>Bitter? You bet.