OK, I'm under a new name now. I was formerly Scared1 and had 2 posts. The first was "New BS - Please Help" from about one month ago, and my 2nd post was "Should I change the title on WW's car?" from about 2 weeks ago.

Well, last night was the pinnacle of my hurt and anger since D-day of Nov 23. When I cut off her cell phone on Dec 30, she bought a newer, fancy one the next day with her own plan. For the past few months (even before D-day), she has been very secretive and NEVER let her cell phone out of her sight.

Well, last night she had it sitting in the center of the kitchen table, so I was checking it out and playing with it, admiring it's cool features. Well, then I noticed that the screen had this big red heart with OM's name. We've been married for 16+ years, and her A with the OM started only 5 months ago, and she's trying to hurry the divorce. Oh, and both of my children (son 14+, and daughter 13) have also seen the screen at some point in the last week.

She just started working full time last Friday (for the 1st time in 15 years), still goes to the gym at 5 am, so this is going to eventually catch up to her.

OK, back to the phone last night. When I saw that, I freaked. I told her that she was flaunting it and while she was at the store with my daughter, I sent her numerous text messages saying that she was cruel, abusive, that she was trying to make me hate her, and if she thought that was funny, I hope she's still laughing. I also said that she really hurt me, and hasn't she done that enough?

When she returned about an hour later, I told her that it was time for her to move out so she could be with her OM. She said she wasn't going to leave and that she'd leave it up to the courts. I reminded her that she said last month that she was planning to leave as soon as she had enough money to pay first and last month's rent. I told her I'd give her the money so she could go. Again, she said she was leaving it up to the courts.

So, now she's squatting (essentially free loading) in my house with my children. I've been trying to do Plan A, but she doesn't give me the opportunity to satisfy any ENs. I made dinner for the family last night for when she returned home from work, but she didn't say a single word the entire time, but helped clean up. She couldn't wait to get up from the dinner table.

Right now, I want to be done doing anything nice and I don't even want to see her or speak to her, and want to quit doing any of the little chores around the house that I've been doing almost exclusively for the past month or so, which used to be her "job" as the housewife when I was the sole worker.

It's 5 am and she just left for the gym. Neither one of us said "good morning", which had usually been initiated by me. We didn't even acknowledge each other, and she was looking for something from this computer desk as I'm writing this post. I also chose to use her bathroom (probably the first time ever, as it's one of 3 in the house) to take my morning constitutional and the after-effect wasn't pretty. She uses that bathroom to get ready for 10 minutes before going to the gym. I suppose that might be a LB, but I don't care at this moment. I'm entering an anger stage and I would say that I almost hate her right now. But I still want reconciliation and to save this family.

Sorry for the long post. I just got very emotional again. What should I do now? I don't exactly know what Plan B is, and how would you implement Plan B if the WW is still living in the house?

Sorry you're dealing with this. I understand your pain.

How are your daughter's handling it?

She is in fantasy land if she thinks that her teenage daughters are going to be ok with accepting OM. Teen daughter's are tough under normal circumstances.

I recommend running things by SH first. He might encourage you to Plan A.

DONT file for divorce. You don't want it, so don't do it.

Your girls are old enough to make up their own mind in custody situation and I have a feeling that they will take your side in all of this.

I'd say that taking that phone and accidentally dropping it in the toilet while you're checking it's neat features is something you should be really careful about. Make sure you're really careful such a thing doesn't happen.

That would just be terrible.

But you have to do the tough love.

Have you exposed? Have you filed an alienation of affection law suit against OM? Is he married? Have you told his W if he is?

A lawyer might tell you that an AOA suit has a really low chance of success. That's fine. The point is to make one.

Take care of yourself, my friend. The good news is that there is hope on the horizon regardless of the outcome. There is life after divorce, if it happens.

She's living a fantasy. It's time for you to become very cool and execute the 180 prior to going to Plan A.

Finally, stick to one thread and one name.

Here's the 180. It's a quote from someone else's thread:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

Wise words from pomdbd3:

I'm reminded of a life-lesson from many years ago. A former boss and mentor lived by a philosophy that looked at power and how you get it. I believe author was Glasser? (yep, Reality therapy by William Glasser).

Anyway, his theory was in order to GET power, you first have to GIVE power. Sounds crazy, but it works. If you take, take take, the other person moves away. If you give, give, give (Plan A), they tend to move closer.

Sounds crazy I know. But if you continue doing more LB activities (destroying the cell phone, banging on her about daughters, etc., etc.) she's just going to mentally move further and further away from you.

I know it takes a lot to be the ideal spouse -- cooking, cleaning, supportive, meeting all her ENs. Heck I did it 13 years ago (during A#1) and had no clue that Harley's theories even existed. Just lucked into it, and it helped. WW finally decided to end A#1 and came out of the fog. Unfortunatley we lapsed back in to that same old mold and A#2 came about this past fall. It's tough, but we are making baby steps.

It's hard, but if you truely want to keep this marriage going it's the way to proceed.

I don't know how you are feeling, but I thought I'd toss some support for Plan A-type activities.

Take care of yourself. Look deep inside and see what you really want to do with this relationship. Hang in there.

pomdbd3,

FYI - I have a son (14+) and a daughter (13). My son and I have a great relationship, as we've spent countless days, nights, and weekends together over the past couple years with travel baseball. My younger daughter has been attached to my WW's hip since the beginning of time, but has grown out of that a little, and is actually tired of WW who "moved in" to her room, because she has nowhere to go for privacy.

All very good advice. I really like the 180 plan, and would like to learn more about it. I plan to print it and keep it with me, but it appears to conflict with Plan A, so I'm a bit confused now. She's making me NOT want to do nice things.

How do I go about reaching out to SH?

After the fact, I would have liked to have thrown her phone on the floor, stamped on it, and crushed it, even if I had to buck up $200 to buy another one. Otherwise, her phone is NEVER around. It's the first I've seen it.

I do not plan on filing for divorce. She claims that she already did. First, I don't want the divorce and second, I am certainly not paying the $1200 - $1500 to file. And yes, I've already exposed - a few weeks ago. Basically, she's flaunting that she's in love with OM and doesn't seem to care who knows about it.

What's an alienation of affection lawsuit? OM is divorced with a 17-yr old daughter living with him.

Sounds like it's time to go nuclear with exposure! I'm sure Melody or others more experienced can give you better advice than me.

Bring this evil out in the open...expose to the light...let EVERYONE know about it and WW won't see the fun in being secret any more. (yes, I know, pot calling kettle black...I've got my own issues to work on...easier to give advice than to live it...but by giving I'm learning to live it...I'm ever so close)

I still think you should sell her car.

I can't understand why you don't sell the car today after the phone stunt, and her reneging to move out.

Munny,

Your Travel Baseball comment struck a cord in me from my stitch.

We did the Travel Baseball for years with our son. My wife and I did not have any issues that led me to believe she was searching for a way out. Then it came. She was having an affair with the hired baseball coach who was 29 years old. My wife was 40 and I was 45. Have the parents on the baseball team were divorced, cheating or other such activity so her peers were no help!

I exposed to most of the critical people except the OM's parents and work place. Darn it, I should of got them too!! I was a wreck and not thinking straight. I cried and cried for weeks and did nothing but beg her to come back. It seems weak and pathetic today.

I have four kids that knew about the afair and still ended up wanting to stay with their Mom. It was devestaing then but today 4 years later all is MUCH better! I just got back from the beach with 3 of my kids and we had a great time.

The XW is remarried to a new guy... a has-been country western singer. A known person. On the plus side, he seems like a nice guy to the kids and seems to have the finances to keep them going. He is going to need it for the XW! Her #1 need was definetely Financial Support!! She broke us but I let it happen.

I went Paln B after I founf out about the affiar. She wanted back in about 6 months later. Well, I think she did. I called me cryinh one night and I hung up on her. so it was a dark plan B / D.

I was married for 19 years in a great marriage. I suspect she had cheated on me in the past but no proof.

My mistakes from this.

1) I should of exposed to more people. I exposed to her parents and they of course sided with her! And they were devout Christians like me. It floorded me. They even told me NOT to call back since they could not handle it!

2) I hired an Attorney. I ended up spending 20k or more and that was not even fighting for custody. I could of done the whole thing myself!

3) I should of filed an alienation law suit.

4) I was too NICE during the marriage. She was the princess if you can picture this! I was too nice during the D. I gave her way too much.

5) She alienated the kids from me but now looking back they simply wanted to stay away from the drama.


Today I am remarried to a great women. Sweet, meets all my needs and a just a nice person. She even works and makes a good living. It has NEVER been better.

One more thing....

Don't finance her affair! Get your respect back.

Only pay for food and a set amount of gas. Maybe she has her own finances so this advice may not be needed.

I'm not experienced in this area, but my gut tells me to start making things a little tough for her. But not in a blatant way. Don't be mean to her; just don't help her out. Do the 180; all it really means is that it sends a message to her - AND to yourself - that you no longer need her. I think you need this to keep from exploding. Do for the kids; do NOT do for her. She wears clothes, let her wash them; you wash your clothes - and it's time your kids learned to wash their own! Teach them! Fix food for you and your kids. Let her feel like she's on her own for food. Let her feel like she's no longer part of your circle. It WILL make her jealous. But make your 180 a lovely place to be. Do everything you can to ensure you and the kids are having the best time ever. Concentrate on them. Show THEM a Plan A so they'll see what they'll give up if they ever move in with her. It may make them try to get her to come around so they don't have to leave.

Another thing I would do is sit the kids down and thoroughly explain what's happening. Let them see how what she's doing is going to destroy their family; how the courts may make them move from their home; how they may even end up living with OM. They can be your strongest ally.

I would also re-expose. Go back to everyone and tell them she is now flagrantly flaunting her affair in your face AND in the kids' faces; she refuses to move out; she thinks she's going to go to court and have the court give her everything, even though she's the homewrecker. Basically update everyone on how much more evil she's become. Ask them for help.

Also, concentrate on the OM; find ways to make his life miserable. Confront him and give him a chance to leave; tell him if he doesn't, you will feel compelled to fight for your marriage, and he may not like the outcome. Don't threaten him! Calmly explain that you are going to do your best to stop the adultery.

And tell her she has had long enough to buy the car from you; you are taking it in on Saturday unless she comes up with the money you can get for it.

I've already completed the exposure, and more exposure seems irrelevant because she seems to not care, or else she wouldn't have that heart symbol with OM's name on her cell phone. She seems to also tell everyone herself. All that fog-babble about being unhappy for years to help her rationalize and justify that her actions are OK.

Exposing is more about getting the other people to make her life miserable. Like if you remind her best friends what she's doing, and she comes over to one of their houses where they all are, and they stop talking when she comes in the room, or act like they are disappointed in her. THOSE are the things that exposure can do. Telling them again would show them how brazen and hurtful she has become, how unlike the real W she now is. They all need to hear it. I'm sure they assume you've accepted it all.

ETA: You need to COUNTER her fog-babble with the truth. If she tells someone it's 'meant to be' or whatever, follow up behind her and tell them the truth. That she's conducting a sleazy affair and throwing it in your face like a common...well, you know. Make people understand how vile this is. The affair needs to see the light of day, in all its nastiness, so people can be affected by it.

Sell the car!

Do I give her the chance to buy it from me, or just drive away one day and sell it? I fear that this will be the straw that broke the camel's back in her anger and in her family's minds.

I don't know what this is.

Munny,

The 180 is very complimentary to Plan A. Plan A is often mistaken with being a doormat. It isn't. The 180 gives you control back.

It would be so great to flip a switch off and turn your emotions off so that you can think clearly. It's going to take conscious effort on your part.

The 180 is a guide. It's not hard and fast rules, but it's a guide.

You have to make her see that there is a very good chance she's going to lose you for good.

But you need to set boundaries.

This is my greatest regret in my situation. I had no boundaries and was a doormat. I continued to pay for a cell phone plan she used to cheat on me. I didn't take her phone and cancel it.

I really wish, in hindsight, that I had kicked her out of the house and thrown all her crap on the lawn.

SHE is the one who should have left since SHE is the one who violated her vows and betrayed the family.

But I didn't do this stuff out of fear.

Don't make things easy for her.

Part of being attractive is having boundaries. Remember how nice guys finish last?

Well, women are attracted to men who stand up for themselves and are confident, not ones who are weepy, whiny, and doormats.

I don't know what your car situation is, but I look at things this way:

If your wife wants out, then give her exactly what she wants in the sense that you will revoke her wife priviledges. Don't pay for anything other than food and your home bills. No cell phones and I'll argue no gas money.

Separate your finances from her. Cut her off from all the family money.

Trust me on this. She'll scr*ew you in her foggy state. I was cleaned out by my ex.

I had ideas of "she'll never do such a thing". I was wrong.

So cut her off from your bank account.

If she protests, then you reverse babble. You say, "I'm more than happy to treat you as my wife if you wish to be my wife again. But you say you don't wish to be. I have no joint bank accounts with aquaintances. Look at this as an opportunity, you can now go get a job and support yourself and get your own account. Isn't that what you want?"

You see, WWes want everything. They want you to keep supporting them for as long as possible. They want to basically remove you from the home, keep all your stuff, keep the kids, and basically carry on with life as normal, the only difference is that you're not in it.

So part of waking up a WW is making her face consequences.

She want to be single and free? By all means. Cut off her access to finances. She can go get a job to support herself.

You see, the 180 means you show independent behavior. You carry on with your life.

Plan things with your kids, invite the WW and go regardless of if she comes or not.

Basically start acting as if she wasn't there.

Get a lawyer and file for custody of your kids.

Sue the other man for Alienation of Affection. In other words you're sueing him for having an affair with your wife.

You may not win, but you'll make his life difficult.

And then there's the thought of confronting him. Many OM will scurry away when faced with a ticked off husband.

As per a recent suggestion by a member, I have moved all of my correspondence to my other thread entitled "should I change title on WW's car?", rather than toggling between 2 threads. Thanks for those who have provided input, and I see that some of you are over there providing me with your wisdom.

MG