I agree she shouldn't nag him, but she should tell him that his smoking is causing her to fall out of love with him and driving a wedge between them. She doesn't even enjoy sex with him and that is dangerous. Telling him gives him an opportunity to change the problem so she can fall back in love with him.

That is the benefit of complaining in marriage. It gives the other spouse a chance to change the behavior that is eroding the love in the marriage. That is the behavior of a BUYER.

How many affairs do we see where the WS claims they were "unhappy for years" but never bothered to tell the BS? It is a big mistake to ignore lovebusting behaviors because they kill the love in a marriage.

If she just sucked it up and didn't say something while her love eroded more and more every day, then pretty soon they will have no marriage. Putting up with lovebusting behavior is not a VIRTUE, it is DAMAGING to the marriage.

She should tell him the truth - radical honesty - and help him quit. He will WANT to quit if he wants a wife who is in love with him. He should be GLAD that she cares enough about him and her marriage to be honest with him.

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Is ANYONE addressing this issue. The man is damaging his wife's health. He is impairing her ability to breathe. His privilege of smoking does NOT supercede her physical need to breathe. If she can't breathe, she's in deep trouble.

Shalee, has your pulmonoligist talked to your husband about what he is doing to you?

While I am fortunate to not be asthmatic, I have an allergy to tobacco. I can pick out a smoker by walking past them. Just smelling other peoples' smoke - even outdoors - makes it more difficult for me to breathe.

he isn't damaging her health at all, read again where and when he smokes, not with her, not around her, no where near her, how is that damaging? and again, nagging isn't getting anywhere to such an addictive habit.

Then you'd be wrong. My boyfriend smoked for nearly 7 years. I asked him to quit as it was disgusting, unhealthy and the smell made me ill.

He quit.

Does she ride in his car? Does he sleep in her bed?
Do his clothes hang in the same house as hers? For that matter, do they hang in the same closet?

You know, just because the allergen is outside and you are inside, that does not provide total protection.

The first question out of my mouth when I book a hotel is 'do you have any non-smoking rooms?' When buying a used car, the first question is, "has this car been smoked in".

The irritant is still there. I have an asthmatic sister. I have an asthmatic nephew. When I get a cold or respiratory infection, I frequently end up with an asthma-related cough.

Oh, one of the things my internist tells his male patients is that smoking is NOT beneficial to their virility.

Four weeks now with this cold. Some days are better than others.

Your point is ridiculous because the only thing that matters is that his smoking is killing their marriage.

I suggest you familiarise yourself with Dr Harley's basic concepts and read up on annoying habits and POJA.

he doesn't get a free pass on smoking because it is addictive - it's destroying his marriage just as surely as ANY annoying habit.

Alcoholics don't get free passes. Smokers don't either. You tell 'em Big K!

BigKahuna is right. What matters is that his smoking is a lovebuster and has to go if he wants a wife who is in love with him and wants to have sex with him.

It does matter that she has health problems, but just the fact that she finds the smoking repulsive should be enough for him to want to stop. The alternative is she falls out of love and the marriage falls apart. This is a simple, clear cut matter of POJA. That is the FOUNDATION of Marriage Builders.

I never said that he shouldn't quit, I never said that he should have a free pass, all I said is that there might be a better way of handeling it other then nagging that he smells after showers and brushing his teeth, you would see in my posts that I never said he should keep it up.

No one here is advocating nagging - in fact I think you alone have even mentioned it.

No one said it would be easy for him to quit either!

thats all I said in my post that there should be a different way of approaching it and you all went gang busters about me thinking its ok for him to "ruin" his marriage over it. I'm not the enemy.

here is what you actually did say........



and....


and....



and....


and...,


Giving every reason under the sun whe she should just accept it. You never said he should quit. Never acknowledged it was ruining her marriage. Never said anything other than she shouldn't nag him.

I take it you haven't seen the new research on third hand smoke then? On how the toxins cling to clothes and hair and continue to be breathed out from a persons lungs and even this exposure on its own is linked with harmful effects, especially to children.

So maybe if he showers and changes his clothes after every cigarette and waits 2-3 hours until the toxins are gone from his bloodstream and hence his breath before coming into the house or near to her (and does all his own washing so she's not dealing with smoky clothes and never smokes in the car or house or any place she ever goes) then your statement would be correct.

Hi all I am guilty of smoking a pack a day.

I know how repulsive the smell is.
I hate the smell.
I hate the cloud that returns with me when I enter a building.
As I hate the smell, I know it is repulsive to my spouse too.
I feel guilty for smoking.
& I do avoid my spouse if I've just had a smoke, I don't want to repulse my spouse, or anyone else.

I do the same, I brush my teeth, chew gum, wash my hands, spray cologne, yet I know the smell is in my hair, on my skin, it is within me.

I hate that it is damaging.

I hate that I feel I need these disgusting things to get through whatever it is I have to do.
I am always thinking of the next time I can have one when I am deprived of my ability to light up.
It is incredibly powerful.
I would forgo lunch, & settle for a coffee & ciggie & a quick snack to get my nic fix.

I am not wealthy by any stretch, yet I can always, always, find money to buy a pkt of cigs.

There is genuinely nothing enjoyable about smoking.

It's a very powerful craving.

The craving will see me debate internally whether to attend certain events or not based on access to go outside & smoke.

I actually smoke outside too.

I empathise with your husband as a smoker.

How you are handling your side of the marriage seems awful to me for your husband.

He must feel absolutely powerless.
He must feel totally rejected, unloved & uncared for.

Will you answer this if your husband didn't smoke & that is the only behaviour change you seem to be focused on here, how HONESTlY will you treat him then? From you core.

Is your husband in a hopeless situation?

How do you treat him/react him at the times he doesn't smoke?

He seems like a good guy, as you said he works all day, comes home, goes to bed, goes back to work, day in day out, all for a wife who seems to not want to be near him.

Is there anyway you can be supportive of his need for comfort, not particularly smoking, but his need for friendship with you, possibly in his opinion the only 'pleasure' in his life right now, might be that sneaky cig he has on the way home, he is not abusive, he has simply stopped hiding it, as it seems to him you have simply stopped caring about him anymore.

Check out Allen Carr's book - The Only way to stop smoking permanently.

I have done the patches, lozengers, cold turkey, gradual cut down, hypnosis, I watched as my grandmother died from emphasema, my father has trombosis, it is not the medical fears, it is the heebeegheebees, the shakes, the sweats, the panic, the fear of NOT having the next fix.

It is like the brain is conditioned to expect it, & goes into super overdrive when deprived of nicotine, it needs it to feel normal, to function on an even keel. It is a horrible controlling addiction & habit, that everyone who smokes wishes they did NOT.

As for your husband he is under so MUCH pressure & stress now would it really be a good time to quit, I know there really is never a 'good' time, but in your situ, with so much dejection & cold shouldering going on, where in those moments does your husband get to feel valued, or even have any pleasure?

Best wishes.

It is tough.

Edited to add:
I get that this is your own health concern as well, which is equally important.

As you are the one here on this site, seeking advice on how to resolve conflict & improve your marriage, what are you welling to do to improve your marriage?

my very first post was about the nagging and every single post after that was defending myself against it.
sorry if I didn't make myself clearer then that.
I am still not the enemy here, but its all good.

bigK, after looking at my registered date here, the amount of posts, my posts, the amount of time I have spent here, you serioiusly think that I would encourage someone to keep up something so determental to the marriage?
I have been through more then you know with my marriage, I am not an idiot or stupid when it comes to this stuff.
I just know nagging dosen't usually get anywhere, thats all I was saying, but I am all done defending that, this is my last post here. I am just not up for it anymore.

She is wrong to ithold SF as well. He is wrong to smoke. He hasn't given any sign that he is prepared to do anything about his smoking. If he took ANY action to demonstrate his willingness to deal with this I daresay his wife would be receptive. Actively trying to correct this IMO - showing good faith - would get his wife back on side and stop the LB withdrawals.

Well you said you would smoke more. LOL. You have not addressed the issue the smoking is causing the marriage at all till you finally said he should quit after 10 posts?


And again no one here suggested she nag him.