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Hi, Iam in a relationship for 10 years with 3 kids (5, 2 years old and 3 months old) and with the last one I had a high risk pregnancy and for this reason at 29 weeks pregnant my obgyn told me to stop having intercourse wih my husband. I told my husband and suppostly everything was fine because we wanted a healthy baby even though we wasnt looking to have another child. Just 4 weeks ago I found out that he played me with a woman 6 years older that works 2 blocks from him. He had a 4-5 months relationship with this woman. After I found out he been saying sorry and he is trying to works things out because he did it just for sex while i couldnt give it to him. Right now I am confused and really hurt, plus the woman that he played me with is divorced with 2 kids. This woman dont stop bothering me by calling me and telling me stuff about the relationship they had and she wants him back but suppostly he has cut any type of comunication with her, but the fact that bothers me is that they work 2 blocks away from each other and I had ask him to ask for a transfer but he rejected because he make good money and dont have to do anything at that place. He always gave me the excuses of been working overtime and been "on call" twice a week, which was true because his paychecks but what was not true was the time he told me he was working, on that time he used to go to her house to have sex with her and got home sometimes at 4-5 am to go back to work at 6am and told me that he had a lot emergency calls to answer. He had lunch everyday with her until the day I found out, he promise her a lot things including having kids with her and never told her that I was pregnant, but he said that he only told her that so she can have sex with him.I am thinking in leaving out of the country with my kids but he told me that I am running away from the problems instead of solving it, he said that he wants to work things out and that it was a mistake, mistake he wont do again but I cant trust him. But the pain I feel is very strong because he was my first one and we have been together since we were 16 years old. I dont want to make a mistake by staying with him for my kids I want to be sure that this will work and that I still want to be with him.

Advices will help

Last edited by MILLY6983; 01/03/09 07:25 AM.
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Hi M,,sorry your here this way.

Have you read everything on this site? all the articles to the right of the screen?

What about MC? would your H do that?

What is you H doing to show you that he can be trusted?



Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Milly,
You should get Surviving An Affair (SAA). Call Dr. Harleys radio show and after speaking with him you might get a free copy. I did. It was a marriage saver. As soon as my wife picked it up she started realizing our marriage does not have to end.

Your husband needs to stop seeing her, talking to her, walking by her at work etc. You need to change your phone number to stop getting her calls.

Establish boundaries that he cannot see her ever again. Don't love bust by yelling and screaming. Go to him with mature attitude and love and respect. Tell him you want a great marriage and think you have found a plan (His Needs Her Needs book HNHN) that will work and ask him if he will join you in reading the book. You read SAA and he reads HNHN.

Post more and we can add to this. God bless.


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
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Thanks for your reply and sorry for the late answer, I have been lost in my own life. I was reading on this site and printed out some documents to read together, well we did, also I asked him the questions I had on my head like advice to do in one of the articles but that made it worst and now I'm not even talking to him, I just want to go away from him and everything. On his side he is getting home "early", spending time with the kids (and the kids love it and are happier), he is trying to help around the house and also sleeping on the couch. But the main change that I proposed him to do havent been done, which is getting a transfer from where he works to another place, but he has giving me many excuses that I dont know what to think. This situation, the kids and just been told that I lost my job are really driving me crazy. I told him that we just cant be together anymore but he hasnt leave the house. Well, lets see what happends and how long this will last.

Last edited by MILLY6983; 01/06/09 03:34 PM.
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Thanks a lot for your advices. In my situation he has apologize and just want me to forgive him and then start getting outside help, like is that easy. He had tell me many promises, he is coming home "earlier", helping around in the house and with the kids, but after asked him all the questions I had on my head and had his answers I felt worst. He thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and by him been doing changes he already wants me to act like if nothing happend and have sex with him. Supposetly he havent see or talk to her since the day I found out, I changed the numbers, but the fact is that he still working 2 blocks away from her. He told me that he used to see her in the morning while getting coffee, in the lunch time and at 5pm when she was leaving her job, also he used leave his job for couples minutes and take out my truck from the garage to drive her to the train station. My point to him is how am I sure that he doesnt keep doing all this with her? How a relationship that was going on for 4-5 months just ended the same day I found out without giving her explanations? I just cant think thats possible. What I feel is that he is confuse and scare of loosing his family and materials things, but he keeps telling me that he just did it for sex and that he is sure that he wants to stay with me because he loves me. I am trying to get a positive thing out of this by thinking that it was either have my healthy baby girl or loose her to satisfy his needs, and I obviously choose to have my baby over his needs. This is the price I had to pay to have my baby girl with me. Even that I doing my best to see everything that way I just can't help having this feeling against him and everytime thoughts cross my mind I just want to go away. I am going thru a bad depression that I am scare telling my doctor, so my kids wont take away from me. I feel like a fish out of the water by been everyday in the house taking care of the kids and thinking if they are seen each other or not, and today I just been told that I lost my job. Last night I bought a book online called " How to Break Free from The AFFAIR", and while I was reading I asked him to read the part you need to select which type of affair you are going thru and he refuse becasue he said that we read a lot from this web and I still havent forgive him, so I just gave up. I think that I will never get over it,my memory dont keep anything on it just his affair, and I used to have a great memory, now I have to write everything so I wont forget what I have to do or important kids stuff. Do you think anything will turn any better?

Last edited by MILLY6983; 01/06/09 03:31 PM.
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Quote
He thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and by him been doing changes he already wants me to act like if nothing happend and have sex with him.

this makes it easy for him to push it onto you, he dosen't have to do anything, you do.
He chose the affair, not you. Don't let him convince you its your fault in anyway that he had an affair, these are all excuse's so he dosen't have to carry the responsibility or the accountability for his actions, its easier to blame you, do you see?


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
Joined: Oct 2007
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milly,

Take a deep breathe. Breathe slowly. Stop reacting to everything around you. I know its hard. Been there. You need to prepare for a long road for recovery. You should concentrate on having a civil relationship with him while you AND him read the books I wrote earlier. Slowly. Try to calm all the chaos in your life. Speak to your doctor so they can treat depression if necessary. Nothing about this situation will improve overnight but it sounds like he is already make an effort to show you what he really wants.

He must not contact the other woman (OW)ever again. Thats the right thing to do for you and to protect your marriage. But unfortunately most spouses who cheat continue to contact the other person even after they promise. So yes you have the right to ask him to not contact her ever again. But don't make a demand. Just tell him how you feel if he does talk to or see her. Then the 2 of you TOGETHER work on a plan to achieve that. It may take a while to do that if he has to get a transfer etc. Just be sure he understands he must take extraordinary precautions to NOT see the OW.


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
Joined: Jun 2008
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Sorry for your pain MILLY, but there no vows have been broken. With 3 children and 10 years between you, why haven't you married? Although you were not having sex due to your high risk pregnancy there were other ways to meet WBF sexual needs. I don't buy his excuse. Your condition was an opportunity for him to justify getting some on the side. If you were sick in the future and couldn't give him sex, is he going to feel justified seeking it elsewhere? redflag


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by MILLY6983
In my situation he has apologize and just want me to forgive him...He thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and by him been doing changes he already wants me to act like if nothing happend and have sex with him...Last night I bought a book online called " How to Break Free from The AFFAIR", and while I was reading I asked him to read the part you need to select which type of affair you are going thru and he refuse becasue he said that we read a lot from this web and I still havent forgive him...

sigh

Your WBF is immature and insensitive. How old is he?

Quote
I am going thru a bad depression that I am scare telling my doctor, so my kids wont take away from me.

There is nothing wrong telling your doctor about your depression. You just had a baby and your hormones are still out of whack and have to deal with lack of sleep and two other small children. On top of that you now have to deal with the trauma of being betrayed by a loved one.

{{{MILLY}}

Get yourself to a doctor to deal with the depression. No one is going to take your kids aways from you just because you were seeking help. Last thing you want to do is be left untreated and let your health deteriorate. Do you have friends or family to talk to?

Last edited by black_raven; 01/07/09 10:08 AM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks a lot for your advices, they really make me feel better. I called my doctor for the depression and I'm going to see him next week. I will keep you inform on what is happening. Again, thanks.

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Thanks for your reply, we havent married because we never believe in a piece of paper, but we did talk about it during the last pregnancy and one day he used to said "yes after you give birth" and others day said, "oh for what if we are fine the way we are, after getting married relationship are not the same and turns into materials things." Now, after everything has discovered he wants to get married on march for our anniversary. I understand what do you mean by "there were other ways to meet WBF sexual needs", but he was never home for me to meet his needs,even though I did try to meet his needs by waiting for him awake until 2-3am, but he was always tired.

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He is 26 years old.

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Originally Posted by MILLY6983
Thanks for your reply, we havent married because we never believe in a piece of paper

It isn't.

By far.

And that's one of the most common excuses used by persons that are not quite sure that their current squeeze is actually marriage material. Why? Because they don't want to make a commitment that they feel they might regret or want to take back later.

And that's a cornerstone of good marriages. Commitment. The others being Love and Trust.





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If WBF wasn't home how can he complain of you not giving him SF? redflag His choice to have an A by claiming you weren't willing or available is yet another excuse. Do not marry this man in March or ever until he seriously grows up and owns up what he did. Throwing you a wedding ring as a response to being caught is not the solution. Don't compound the problem. You want a loyal and repentant man and right now he sounds far from it. I hope you get that one day.

Agreed with MIM.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hi everyone, I am back to this forum because when I though everything was just getting a bit better, just turned worse in one day that I got kicked out of the house with my 3 kids with no excuses, when I was the one that got played and humilliated. We have been working on building our relationship stronger, he was getting better besides still working at the same place, hanging out everyday during works hours with friends at a bar drinking and smoking cigars, meanwhile I was working taking care of the kids and all the hosue stuff, since I was been very busy he took advance of that to started spending money when wasnt supposted to and when I said something got the answer of "its my money and I dont tell you what to do with your money so leave me alone", fine, so I told him that I will make sure that he spend the money on my kids before he keeps spending it on "friends on the street", so he got ofended and canceled the debit card I had from his account without telling me, so last thursday I went to the store to get clothes for the baby and got the surprise that the card didnt go thru, when called him he said that "dont even bother now how you are going to spend my money on your kids", got so mad and went downtown to his job to get the other active card, ok, so when he got home I told him to leave the house and let me stay there with my kids but he asnwer was "no, I am not leaving , you are", so i told him that I wasnt leaving,that I will when he gets me an apartment and pay the rent for it, he said that he will get it for me on the weekend, well on friday, he send me a txt telling me that he put the house for sale and that I have to move so I answered that if he got me an appt already and if not I will wait until the house is sold. Friday night he got home and my mom and sister were there and started talking to him when he started yelling and cursing at them that he wants me to leave his house and wont help me get an appt or give me any money that he was tired of me not giving him respect or trust, and been question him all the times of what he does, he told me in front of them that whatever he does or who he be with between works hours is not my problem, and that if I want to stay at his house I need to say sorry to him for asking him why and where he spent $40 for lunch for himself only, $10 cigars and $20 breakfast everyday. I left his house on saturday, took out all my kids clothes and mine, now he is calling to say that he doesnt know why I left and to tell me that he is waiting for me to go and say sorry and that I will change with him. He said that I rather leave than try to fix things up, but after what he did to me I gave him another chance and he did me wrong again just that this time with words. The woman he played me with filed harrasment charges on me saying that she was the wife and I was just the other one and I dont leave him alone, she also used him as her witness, of course he said dont know why she did that and that its been 3 months already that he hasnt seen her and dont want nothing with her. One day during an argument he told me that if he will need to played me again he will do it. He hasnt apologize for kicking me out of his house all he has done is telling family members that he did it just to scared me and make me change the way I been treating him. Now, Im going thru a bad situation with my grandma and have to travel for 4 days to my country to see if I find her alive, he was aware of this situation and careless to kick me out with 3 kids, all he wants is me to call him and say sorry to go back to his house, but I wont since I didnt do anything for him to kick me out. I was just protecting my kids and my owm financials after the situation we when thru when he played me. After everything he had done to me I dont feel nothing but anger and hate towards him, I dont want to be with him anymore, but he just trying to make others believe that I am crazy and dont know what to do or want. He said that he is the best thing could ever happend to me and that I will never find anyone better than him. I took my 2 olders son to his house on sunday and left them there for couples hours, and when came back my older told me a lot bad things his father told him about me. Did I did the right thing by leaving his house like he wanted? I am leaving this man since I cant be living a life of misery just to have a family together.

Any advices will help.......

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Don't go back and don't leave your children with him. File for child support ASAP and tell WBF to kiss your a**.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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That marriage certificate that you don't have is worth very little.
He does have to pay for the maintenance of the kids. Make sure that happens.

Do you see that his word is worth zip. Don't make that mistake again.

Sorry that you are here love.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Well, after I left his house with my kids and went to my sister's house my 5 months old daughter got a bacteria on her eyes and throat from my sister puppy, yesterday 3/3/09 had to run to the ER with her and after went back to his house but told him first that he needs to leave or I will go to a shelter with my kids, he told me "ok go back home but I am not sure of me leaving the house", I just paid today $300 cancellation fee for the flies to go see my grandma since they told me that my daughter cant fly until she gets better, I blame him for all this since if he never would kick me out my daughter will never got sick, now he blame me because I decided to leave, now he says that he only said that to scared me and make me change my way of threating him, that he wants me to respect him by talking to him nice and trust him by believing everything he tells me. He is been telling everybody that I left instead of fix things up, that he is waiting for me to sit down and say sorry to him for the way I've been treating after I found out that he played me, he is complaining that I have changed a lot with him, and that I am crazy on the head, so the question I asked to myself, why he wants to be with somebody that is crazy? if he had a 5months relationship that was making him happy, why does he wants to suppostly even try to fix our "relationship" if he had years of abuse and humilliation with me? He tells everybody that now he is just tired of me abusing him and humiliating him for years, that I need to understand that things needs to be his way because he is the man of the house. My point is how can he ask me for trust, respect and appreciation after what he did. Like I told him, If I am crazy then just leave me alone and stop try fix things just to show others that he been trying but I dont let him. What I think is that he just trying to find his way out by blame me of everything and I think he regret not choose to stay with the other woman and choose to tried to get his family back, I told him that he can still go back with his woman and leave us alone, but he answer was that I am his wife and always will be his property, that he will never let me do my life with nobody else. I feel bad because had to come back to his house, but my kids health, comfortability and stability comes firts to me, I just came back until I get an apartment for my kids, meanwhile I let him know that I want and need him to leave to his mom's house, but he keeps saying that he doesnt know about that. I dont know what to do anymore, so many bad things going on, I just want to desappear of this world.

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If you want to rescue this relationship, read the articles especially about living together before marriage.

Look in the red section which says Q&A columns.

You will get many more folk posting on General Questions 11. Ask a modifier to change the position.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats

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