Hello all
First let me apologize for the length, it’s a long story! But I will try and be as brief as I can!
Me 43/H44
M 18yrs together over 20yrs….2 kids 9/16

H had A which he told me about in Oct 06; to this day don’t know why he told me, as I didn’t have a clue! It was with a coworker, who I was also friends with.
He says he wants to work on the marriage, and I thought we were, H soon falls into a very deep depression, continued with the OW, and in Jan 07 leaves a note stating he had seen her again, and was a bad person and was going to kill himself, in response to this I had to call the police and have him tracked down, which they did.
Then we go into many months of limbo, H still doesn’t know what he wants and I work to keep the family together, thankfully H was seeing a C and on meds which eventually seemed to help.
We had also gone to MC however this was not much help and so it quickly stopped.
I believed that we had been working on the marriage and all seemed ok, in the summer of 2007 we went on family vacation, and the day after we are home H says that he started seeing ow again several weeks before and he was going to leave, he felt that he didn’t deserve his family and that it was best to go!
However after talking he decided to stay and we decide that we are going to do a retrouvaille weekend.
We did the weekend and we seem to make in roads, however several weeks after this, H has been in contact with a old GF from his teens who lived some distance away, through some snooping I find emails were he tells her he feels they are soul mates, and if she asked he would be on the next plan to her!
Of course we have a huge fight, he says he is an idiot, and doesn’t know why he did it, but promises to cut off all talk, which he did and we continue with the retrouvaille teaching.
Again this seems to move on for the better.
He tells me he loves all the time, wants nothing but to be with me, and here with his family is what he wants.
Oct of 2008 h comes and wakes me and tells me that the 1st ow and he have been in contact, and he had taken money from her for out holidays the year before and now she wants it back. And is threatening to come to me.
I email her tell her to leave us alone, and basically tell her what a loser she is, I had not spoke to her before!
She proceeds to tell me my H perused her, that he told her he never loved me, and felt obligated to marry (no reason for this).
However because she has now gotten what she wants, she doesn’t want the money!
H tells me that they had been in contact by email only, that he hasn’t seen her in over a year (the work for the same employer different locations) and that he thought that he could handle her.
He said she became threatening around his birthday, she wanted to met, and he refused, and she got nasty.

I will continue in another post to let you digest this!

CONT….From previous post!

So here I am today, and find that I am having a very hard time, I feel like I am emotionally moving away from my H.
I worry about what is truth and what if fiction, is this all really worth it!
I fought so hard over the last couple of years to keep my marriage and family together, and now I just don’t know what I want!
I worry that it is envitable that I will get hurt again! And I just don’t think I can take anymore!
Any input or help would be appreciated!

Welcome to MB. So sorry you find yourself here.

First, your WH needs to quit his job, even if they work in different location. In order to begin to heal, there needs to be no contact, forever! Working for the same company may lead to encounters at company events.

He needs to write no contact letters to her AND to old girlfriend, with your approval, and you mail them. There are samples here on the site.

Is OW married? Is old girlfriend married? If they are, their spouses or boyfriends need to be told what's going on.

Thanks for the response....


However at this stage of the game I am looking for suggestions for me to get through, to work on me getting better.
Its not an option for H to quit from his job in this market, he has over 20 years with the company, its just not going to happen.

I have told the ow that if she continues then I will will be filing harassment charges and will expose further.
My h manager knows what the score is, and has addressed it with both of them, he is a friend so foruntely my h wasn't fired.

How about a transfer if possible. Just another option to throw out there.


I wouldn't tell her a thing...It's like telegraphing your punches in a boxing match.... If she knows what's comming she can prepare for it. .... Just do it, and don't tell her ... Or your husband for that matter.

Is OW married? Is old girlfriend married? If they are, their spouses or boyfriends need to be told what's going on.

Welcome to the boards. What you really need is for your H to take extraordinary precautions to keep your heart safe.

He needs to earn back your trust - it's not up to you to freely give him trust where he has clearly NOT earned it. So don't feel like you have to heal yourself, or learn to trust him again... the onus is on him to be consistently trustworthy.

I suggest you ask your H to write a no contact letter to OW (and old GF) in which he says, in his own words:
He loves you, his wife
His interactions with them were unacceptable
His top priority is his family
He wants no further contact with them, ever

Then you review the letter(s) and you mail them to the OW and the GF.

If either of them ever contacts your H for any reason, expose the A to their spouses or boyfriends, their parents, their children. Don't threaten OW with this, just do it if she ever contacts your H again.

Your H needs to figure out all the ways that OW can contact him, and he needs to put a strategy in place to block those attempts. For example, if she knows his work email address he needs to set up a rule that silently deletes her email, or have it silently auto-forwarded to his manager so his manager can take appropriate action. Figure out ways to prevent contact at his work phone, his cell phone(s), his home phone, his home email, any MySpace or Facebook accounts, etc. Your HUSBAND needs to figure these out and put them in place. It's part of how he can earn back your trust. You can certainly tell him "Hon, I'd feel safer if XYZ happened" but HE has to take the actions.

Then you guys need to figure out what you're going to do when one of these women does contact your H. I suggest immediate nuclear exposure on a global scale, but that's just me.

You also need to figure out what your H is going to do when he finds himself thinking about OW and wanting to contact her.

Finally, I suggest you guys book a Marriage Builders weekend. They're expensive with travel and hotel, but they're tons cheaper than a divorce and so much more effective than traditional marriage counselors (who have about an 85% failure rate, sad to say).

I said finally but you know what, I'm not finished. The stuff above is just dealing with getting OW out of your life and making you feel safe. There are some other things you need to do.

You need to have your H fill out the EN and LB questionnaires. Then you need to eliminate all LBs from your life, pronto. A love buster will drain your account in your husband's love bank way faster than you can make deposits. A married person simply cannot afford the luxury of love busters. Get yours under control. You probably have to fight AOs (angry outbursts) like the devil right now, considering your circumstances. But DO fight them. Bite your lip until you calm down and can discuss things rationally. Also read up on Disrespectful Judgments (DJs). Most folks make them and they're slippery little beasts, hard to recognize and hard to squelch.

Also start meeting your husband's top three ENs. Figure out creative ways to meet the ENs and ask on here for suggestions if you come up empty.

I also suggest getting a book entitled the Five Love Languages. Learn your husband's love language and learn to meet his needs in the language that speaks to him.

If you eliminate LBs and meet his ENs, when he mentally compares you to OW you're going to shine and she'll look like the dank nasty bit of scum that she is.

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I think that the people who reached out to you would like a response.