Wife Left Me 8 Days Before Christmas [Re: Mr. Goodstuff]
pomdbd3 pomdbd3
Member
Registered: 03/28/07
Posts: 1441
Guys,
I understand the fear that grips you into inaction. It's very real. It keeps you from "upsetting" your WW.
SHE CHEATED ON YOU! You have every right to not just be mad, but to be outraged!
So don't fear the WW's anger. She faulted you.
It's that simple. There's nothing in the world which justifies her cheating. NOTHING!
She'll say you were a bad husband and then list the reasons. Great. So what. It still doesn't justify her getting in bed with another man.
So take a look at the different threads of the different men on this board who have been betrayed. Some have recovered their marriages. Some haven't.
But those that have done well are the ones who took action. They're the ones who overcame the fear of their WW and did things they needed to do to end the affairs or protect their rights as a father.
The WW has a delusion in her head that she will stay friends with you if you guys divorce.
It's a delusion based on the idea that you guys will always have feelings for them.
You won't. They go away. And part of that involves the grief process, which has a nasty part to it called the anger stage.
And it's a real doozy.
I think you go through it regardless of whether or not you recover your marriage and there's plenty of men on here who could back me up on that.
You see, your marriage is over. It's dead. It was destroyed, as you knew it, by your cheating wife.
Sure, you contributed to the circumstances that led to the infidelity, but SHE is the one who went outside the marriage.
Your marriage as you knew it is dead and gone and over. That involves a grieving process. That will involve anger on your part whether you stay together or not.
So what do you do right now?
You have to find a way to be totally cool. Think Bruce Lee, James Bond, Clint Eastwood. They are cool men who don't get riled up about things, but they take action.
And they do it in a way that is controlled and cool.
That's what you need to do.
Item number one is exposure. Expose to your family and friends.
It doesn't have to be ugly. Very simple, "I just found out WW is having an affair. I want to save my marriage and ask for your support in doing this."
Done. All that needs to be said is said. You may wish to throw in the ID of the man if it's someone those people know.
You then have to make it very clear, absolutely crystal clear without a doubt in her mind that you're serious, that you will take the steps necessary to secure your rights as a father. 50/50 is a minimum and you will pursue more than that. She's not fit as a mother in a wayward state and you won't allow your children to be around OM or an unrepentant adulterer.
Eliminate the fantasy of "he'll get over it. We'll be friends. He can see the kids when I say it's ok for him to do so and he'll be ok with that."
You see, the only hope of recovering your marriage is to destroy the fantasy of what she pictures her exit from the marriage to be.
It won't be easy. It won't be "I have gotten rid of him, but everything else stays the same."
Absolutely not!
You're a man who is a father and deserves to be involved in your children's lives.
Consider me to be your five alarm fire that is warning you that inaction and fear of your WW's anger will hurt your rights as a father.
Those kids need to come to your house NOW! They are your children and you will not tolerate having them taken from your life.
The next step to what you need to do is get a lawyer and have a temporary custody order drawn up. This doesn't mean you're divorcing. It means you're securing your rights as a father.
Now, the hard part:
Plan A. Read up on this and implement it.
Incorporate the 180. Google "The 180 and infidelity" and read up on it. It's a great way to implement Plan A.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11The greatest chance to recover anything, either your marriage, or your time with your kids, is to accept that you have already lost it all. Accepting that you've lost everything gives you the freedom to do anything.
Let me be clear, you HAVE lost everything. Your marriage as you knew it is gone. Your rights as a father are in grave danger.
Your wife is no longer the woman you knew and fell in love with.
If she comes back you'll be reconstructing a new marriage that is different than the one you just had. That means that your images of your old marriage are gone. It can NEVER be that way again.
But that's part of the recovery process. You don't want the old marriage back. The old way led to the broken state that contributed to the infidelity.
You want a new and improved marriage OR to recover with your rights as a father are intact while she rots in her infidelity festered wayward mindset and life.
Yes, recovery can be something you go through alone.
Take hope in knowing that those of us here who didn't recover our marriages were in your shoes and just as devastated. Some of us even sank to the depths of despair. Many of us have been or currently are in therapy. A few of us even had to go to the hospital while we recovered.
It can't get much lower than being in a psych ward because you're a disfunctional man.
But there is hope, even in not recovering your marriage.
The stories of those who have had a personal recovery are on this board and aren't hard to find.
I'm not going to sugar coat it. It's a painful journey no matter which path you follow. But you have to decide which way you'll go down that path. Will you be dragged along by you WW and end up in terrible shape because of inaction and fear on your part or will you take action and control of your life?
YOU control your life, not your WW.
That means you don't have to settle for how she's treating you and it certainly means you stand up for your rights as a father.
Don't fear inaction because courts tend to favor moms. They favor moms who have men who aren't prepared or who walk away. They are otherwise very fair, especially to men who show that they are good men who love their kids.
So the secret is to take action.
