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#2189131 01/07/09 02:31 PM
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drgnfly Offline OP
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Whether or not you need to know the details is totally dependent on the people involved. However, if you are following the MB plan, you know that complete honesty is part of the plan. So my opinion is that if your BS asks for details, you should follow the open honesty and tell them.

I had the images running through my head and my imagination was running wild without any borders to stop it. Some people told WH (Skald) to have me make a list of questions and we'd sit down and he'd answer those questions, but that was it - no more. That didn't work for me. As the days go on, I remember things that happened and my mind starts going crazy about what really happened. Then the anxiety attacks set in.

I came to realize the other day, that if something is bothering me so bad that I start going into an anxiety attack, then I need to ask. Not knowing isn't worth my mental health. Yes, the answers suck sometimes! But for us, a lot of the time, the answer was a whole lot better than the images my imagination was creating. Skald has been great at telling me what I need to know. He has a hard time with it, because he's afraid one day one of those little details will be the deal breaker, but he does it anyway - he knows that being open and honest with me is not only what I deserve, but what we both deserve in this M. He feels relieved most of the time after sharing with me, and he's come to realize how strong I really am and how much he's underestimated me all these years.

We came up with a good analogy the other day:

Not knowing is like being afraid of the dark. You might be surrounded by familiar things, but with the lights off everything looks a little scary and your imagination starts running wild. But when you turn on the lights and can see all the details, it's not so scary anymore.

I hardly have anxiety attacks anymore. What a relief! pray

I'm not saying that knowing the details is what everyone needs, but I see a lot of posts on here where the BS seems to want to know and is suffering from not knowing, but they won't ask. Talking calmly with Skald about my questions, listening to the answers no matter how bad or good they are, and talking calmly about them really has made a huge difference. Yes, there were some times that I broke down in tears, yelled, and lost control, but those moments have taught me how not to react. He's not going to want to tell me if that's my reaction every time. And by staying calm and talking it over with him, I deal with it much better and he helps me get there.

For me, I don't need to know all the "little" details. I just needed to know when, where, how often they saw each other, what the excuses were to get away, how they communicated, and other things that have taught me what to look for and to what lengths they went to deceive me. I've become a much stronger, smarter person and it won't be easy to pull the wool over my eyes again. Again - all up to each individual how much you need to know.

One more thing: If you do decide to ask for details, no matter how hard it is for you to hear, please remember to say "Thank you" to WS for sharing that with you. I know for Skald it's really scary for him when I want to know because he's afraid it will be the last straw, and it really does mean a whole lot to him when I say "Thank you". He knows I'm not thaking him for the details, but for being open and honest with me. That means a lot.

"Thank You Skald"


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
drgnfly #2189143 01/07/09 02:43 PM
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Inspirational post. Thank you!

My WW has been open and answered all my questions. I keep coming up with more and she keeps answering. And I do need to remember to say thank you for opening up.

Excellent reminder.


D-Papers served May 8th, 2009
drgnfly #2189146 01/07/09 02:45 PM
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You two are amazing. Wise beyond your years.
So happy for you.

RHW


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
drgnfly #2189156 01/07/09 02:56 PM
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How do you get to this point when plan A and plan B don't work???

What if the WS won't stop communicating and you are not ready for Plan D???

drgnfly #2189566 01/08/09 09:10 AM
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Excellent insights, Drngfly.

I'm a detail person. WH deleted the sex emails before he confessed and at one time I had wanted to know what they said. He offered to hire our tech to extract them from the hard drive if possible, but just seeing his willingness helped me decide that I didn't want to create any more triggers than what my inquisitive mind already had unearthed. He said the emails were the same as what he said they had done on the phone and that was good enough for me. (He painfully shared all the phone details because I asked, but then I was kinda sorry I knew.) You're right, it's different with each BS.

Thanks for sharing. I moticed you hadn't posted on the Smiles thread in a couple days so I bumped your recovery thread (wondering how you are) without checking over here! Whooops!

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)

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