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I will start off by saying that I have been married for 4 and half years now. During these 4 years I thought we were happy..and secure in our relationship. We always talked openly about sex..and attractive men and women. I am a bi curious woman so I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female. So I ended up finding a friend to experiment with. Mind you this was not a close friend AT ALL! As time passed my husband and I decided to experiment with this girl together. During the "act" I was not jealous...things went fine! But...here is my big mess up....there were no rules! He should have not been allowed to speak to her afterward...and it should have only happened one time instead of 3! This girl became increasingly close to both of us. So one day I said NO MORE! It's over... sorry(nicely). Of course when I told my husband he thought I was being crazy. But agreed to do whatever makes me happy and END IT! Well turns out he had not ended it...he spoke with her everyday behind my back for a month in a half until he broke down and told me. I would also like to add that my husband has a severe mental disorder/ bipolar. I never knew how deep into this he was until recently.

So after he confessed to me about his "talking". We decided to fix our relationship. He would try...everyday...but I would still ask him questions...and of course get lied to or get a fraction of the real truth. He once again claimed to BE OVER her and to NOT BE TALKING to HER! Well last week on New Years Eve...I typed her name in on a random search on a popular blogging site...and OUT POPPED EVERY MESSAGE SHE HAD EVER SENT HIM!!! They were brutal, she was saying she loved him, she cant get away from him, giving him an ultimatum to choose me or her, setting up times to meet. I was disgusted!!! I called him in the room and screamed at him! I showed him the messages and read them OUT LOUD SO HE CAN HEAR HOW DISGUSTING IT SOUNDS!! I was so hurt...he had told me he was going to work on our marriage...and was really showing progress...then I find this!!!!!???? One good thing came from this, one I caught him, 2 ... her messages had said he had ignored 6 of her messages, and 3 he finally confessed to HIS ADDICTION TO HER AND Women online! He has been kissing some serious behind lately. This time I am switching things up...the first time I talked about it and questioned him EVERY DAY! Of course I got false answers...so I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP...I'M DONE BEING LIED TO! Also I am not checking all of his accounts and internet history...I am working on myself to become a better person. So he can see that I am at my most fabulous! Yes, I still want to be married to him...I love him and he loves me. I just don't understand how he can hurt me!!! I do everything for him!!! Everything! I make love to him every night, I listen to him, I tell him I love him, I compliment him, thank him for doing things for me and I spend ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM! I don't get it..when I ask him what I can do to change myself. He says,"nothing, I will let u know if I find something". He also says he does not need anything extra from me. Then what else can it be besides his addiction to this girl??

He says he does not have feelings for her, he is addicted to her, he hates everything about her.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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bump!


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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help please!


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FW....you may want to have the Mod's move this to the GQII thread where there is more traffic.


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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thank u!


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
#2189203 01/07/09 04:48 PM
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I will start off by saying that I have been married for 4 and half years now. During these 4 years I thought we were happy..and secure in our relationship. We always talked openly about sex..and attractive men and women. I am a bi curious woman so I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female. So I ended up finding a friend to experiment with. Mind you this was not a close friend AT ALL! As time passed my husband and I decided to experiment with this girl together. During the "act" I was not jealous...things went fine! But...here is my big mess up....there were no rules! He should have not been allowed to speak to her afterward...and it should have only happened one time instead of 3! This girl became increasingly close to both of us. So one day I said NO MORE! It's over... sorry(nicely). Of course when I told my husband he thought I was being crazy. But agreed to do whatever makes me happy and END IT! Well turns out he had not ended it...he spoke with her everyday behind my back for a month in a half until he broke down and told me. I would also like to add that my husband has a severe mental disorder/ bipolar. I never knew how deep into this he was until recently.

So after he confessed to me about his "talking". We decided to fix our relationship. He would try...everyday...but I would still ask him questions...and of course get lied to or get a fraction of the real truth. He once again claimed to BE OVER her and to NOT BE TALKING to HER! Well last week on New Years Eve...I typed her name in on a random search on a popular blogging site...and OUT POPPED EVERY MESSAGE SHE HAD EVER SENT HIM!!! They were brutal, she was saying she loved him, she cant get away from him, giving him an ultimatum to choose me or her, setting up times to meet. I was disgusted!!! I called him in the room and screamed at him! I showed him the messages and read them OUT LOUD SO HE CAN HEAR HOW DISGUSTING IT SOUNDS!! I was so hurt...he had told me he was going to work on our marriage...and was really showing progress...then I find this!!!!!???? One good thing came from this, one I caught him, 2 ... her messages had said he had ignored 6 of her messages, and 3 he finally confessed to HIS ADDICTION TO HER AND Women online! He has been kissing some serious behind lately. This time I am switching things up...the first time I talked about it and questioned him EVERY DAY! Of course I got false answers...so I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP...I'M DONE BEING LIED TO! Also I am not checking all of his accounts and internet history...I am working on myself to become a better person. So he can see that I am at my most fabulous! Yes, I still want to be married to him...I love him and he loves me. I just don't understand how he can hurt me!!! I do everything for him!!! Everything! I make love to him every night, I listen to him, I tell him I love him, I compliment him, thank him for doing things for me and I spend ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM! I don't get it..when I ask him what I can do to change myself. He says,"nothing, I will let u know if I find something". He also says he does not need anything extra from me. Then what else can it be besides his addiction to this girl??

He says he does not have feelings for her, he is addicted to her, he hates everything about her.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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I don't think a marriage building site that supports the concept of a M being of 2 people not 3, regardless that each spouse gave "permission" to the other spouse to commit adultery on occassion for reasons of experimentation, is going to provide you much help. You have essentially volunteered yourself to an "open" marriage via your own actions.

Last edited by black_raven; 01/07/09 04:51 PM. Reason: typo

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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puke


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fw,

Can you see how acting out your "bi curiosity" fantasy has caused the nightmare you now find yourself in? "Fun," until it turned into something else for him. Now you're both miserable.

Marriage, by definition, is TWO people. Exclusively. Is that now YOUR personal definition of marriage? If not, you're in for more heartache.

Read up on meeting each other's emotional needs, love busters, and the other stuff on the MB home page. Then implement what you learn. If you BOTH change your behavior, devote yourselves only to each other, you can get things on a great track for life.

Blessings on your journey back.

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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I understand what u are saying... I really do...and yes I admit and have many many many times...that yes the fact that they couldnt stop talking was my fault!!!! But...he confessed to me...and swore to me that he would never hurt me let alone speak to her again...and we began to rebuild our marriage. He had sworn to change...and that it was over...well turns out this girl just wanted my husband to leave me for her...and is in love with him now. This all would have been done long ago if ppl had respect...and kept promises. This stopped being about me a long time ago.


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Thank u... I have said to him that I will NEVER DO ANY Sexual experimentation again!!! Yes, it kills me and I am paying for it...but I have also excepted it and moved on. We were both new to these things...It was all out of curiosity...and now we are paying!!

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/07/09 05:12 PM.

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nothing else to say?


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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
nothing else to say?

Other than you both chose to defile your marriage.....

No.

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We decided to fix our relationship.

How? Are you still willing to RISK your marriage to stay in a swinging lifestyle?

How old are you both?

Any children?

What are you doing to "fix" your relationship?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
We decided to fix our relationship.

How? Are you still willing to RISK your marriage to stay in a swinging lifestyle?

How old are you both?

Any children?

What are you doing to "fix" your relationship?






we were only doing the "swinging" thing for about 3 weeks. It has been over since the first week of october! Yes I regret it and I know it was wrong...no...I will not do it again. This stopped being about me a long time ago.
Also we do have children and are in our early twenties. He is very unexperienced with other women and is HOOKED! Also I might like to add...that it certainly is not because, she is better in bed...or more attractive. Sorry not to sound vain...but she is not!

Also I am no longer asking questions, I just ask him if there is anything he needs from me, I am meditating and walking away from fights instead of prolonging them. He is doing his best to keep busy at work instead of looking at profiles on blogging sites. He is helping more then ever around the house. He is also finaly letting me say things I need to say about this girl... before he used to stick up for her...not anymore...he knows she is a bad person now!

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/07/09 05:17 PM.

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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
I will start off by saying that I have been married for 4 and half years now. During these 4 years I thought we were happy..and secure in our relationship. We always talked openly about sex..and attractive men and women. I am a bi curious woman so I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female. So I ended up finding a friend to experiment with. Mind you this was not a close friend AT ALL! As time passed my husband and I decided to experiment with this girl together. During the "act" I was not jealous...things went fine! But...here is my big mess up....there were no rules! He should have not been allowed to speak to her afterward...and it should have only happened one time instead of 3! This girl became increasingly close to both of us. So one day I said NO MORE! It's over... sorry(nicely). Of course when I told my husband he thought I was being crazy. But agreed to do whatever makes me happy and END IT! Well turns out he had not ended it...he spoke with her everyday behind my back for a month in a half until he broke down and told me. I would also like to add that my husband has a severe mental disorder/ bipolar. I never knew how deep into this he was until recently.

So after he confessed to me about his "talking". We decided to fix our relationship. He would try...everyday...but I would still ask him questions...and of course get lied to or get a fraction of the real truth. He once again claimed to BE OVER her and to NOT BE TALKING to HER! Well last week on New Years Eve...I typed her name in on a random search on a popular blogging site...and OUT POPPED EVERY MESSAGE SHE HAD EVER SENT HIM!!! They were brutal, she was saying she loved him, she cant get away from him, giving him an ultimatum to choose me or her, setting up times to meet. I was disgusted!!! I called him in the room and screamed at him! I showed him the messages and read them OUT LOUD SO HE CAN HEAR HOW DISGUSTING IT SOUNDS!! I was so hurt...he had told me he was going to work on our marriage...and was really showing progress...then I find this!!!!!???? One good thing came from this, one I caught him, 2 ... her messages had said he had ignored 6 of her messages, and 3 he finally confessed to HIS ADDICTION TO HER AND Women online! He has been kissing some serious behind lately. This time I am switching things up...the first time I talked about it and questioned him EVERY DAY! Of course I got false answers...so I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP...I'M DONE BEING LIED TO! Also I am not checking all of his accounts and internet history...I am working on myself to become a better person. So he can see that I am at my most fabulous! Yes, I still want to be married to him...I love him and he loves me. I just don't understand how he can hurt me!!! I do everything for him!!! Everything! I make love to him every night, I listen to him, I tell him I love him, I compliment him, thank him for doing things for me and I spend ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM! I don't get it..when I ask him what I can do to change myself. He says,"nothing, I will let u know if I find something". He also says he does not need anything extra from me. Then what else can it be besides his addiction to this girl??

He says he does not have feelings for her, he is addicted to her, he hates everything about her.

Then I suggest that you start by reading ALL the articles on this site and encouraging your WH to do the same.

He'll need to send her a No Contact letter with your approval and you mail it. There are samples on this site.

Start by reading the articles to the right under most popular links.

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. Starting off your marriage like this was bad but not fatal.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thank u...we almost did an "it's over" call. But I thought it would be too dangerous. He does not like hurting girls feelings...except mine! He already told her it is over in person...and I also wrote a very nice...email to her...I did not curse...I just made her realize, that one day she will be married...and one day this will happen to her. So watch out for karma! Also, I told her how he really feels about her! He read it and was like WOW THAT IS AMAZING! I told her to wake up and realize that u cant base a relationship on sex and liking similar music. Yes really...she is that immature...that...is the only thing she can see past.


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Quote
He'll need to send her a No Contact letter with your approval and you mail it. There are samples on this site.

And after the NC letter.....NO CONTACT will mean NO CONTACT for both of you. NO ONE communicates in any way with her. She has to be out of both of your lives if your marriage is to survive.


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
I will start off by saying that I have been married for 4 and half years now. During these 4 years I thought we were happy..and secure in our relationship. We always talked openly about sex..and attractive men and women. I am a bi curious woman so I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female. So I ended up finding a friend to experiment with.

You should have experimented before you made a commitment by getting married.

You ever see this movie? Wikipedia Link to movie

They decided to try the exact same you did, with the same disastrous results.

It doesn't matter that you didnt agree to any rules regarding this "threesome", because you broke the rules set when you got married.

I know my post isnt offering any "advice" per se, just my negative comments, but I really do hope you can undo the damage that both of you have done to your union.







FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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F_W,

Have you ever heard the term "you cannot unring a bell" ?

You had an affair with this woman BEFORE you and your H had the threesome, what message did that send to your H?

You two did not set boundaries before you tried this. Doesn't that tell you how little EITHER of you valued your marriage?

YOu say your H should be more strongly attracted to you because of her skills in bed and looks, right? But, if you read the articles on this site, you will quickly realize that something clearly attracted him to her, what was it?

You seem to not realize that many things go into a successful marriage with sex and beauty being only a few of those things, and as time moves on they often are found to be very unimportant.

It is nice of you to have quit yelling at him, but have apologized to him for YOUR affair with this woman? Have you discussed how you failed to keep your vows? Have you decided if you want to maintain the "bi-curious" lifestyle. Most men feel they can compete with another man, but if there is another woman, they have no chance. Did your H feel this way?

You say he has issues with bi-polar, how is this being addressed?

Please do as recommended, read the articles on this site. You will learn alot.

God Bless,

JL

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