Just wanted some input on this. My H has been in an apartment now for over a month, this is his third time moving out. Affair has been going on for over a year and a half. I have known for a year. Done the Plan A, Plan B thing. When is it time to call it a day and move on with our lives? Any input would be appreciated. We have 2 children and 14 years of marriage behind us. I have held on so long, when do I face up to it and realise that he is gone and is not coming back?

Sounds like a really tough situation. I would think that the time to call it quits would be when you can't go on with it anymore and feel you have done all you can do and feel ok about giving up. I would think that it would be very difficult if not impossible to accomplish much as long as your husband is involved in the affair. Sounds like it is a good time to stop worring about your husband and the marriage and work on yourself and your kids. Do that for awhile and maybe the affair will run its coarse. In the mean time you can work on you.<P>Good luck. <p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited October 18, 1999).]

loveu-<BR>Did you get my e-mail? Can only say that I am confused as heck as well - and am asking the same questions.<P>But, that said, I'll try to give you some you thoughts. In my book, it is time to move on when you are ready - that is, when you are no longer wondering - how will my H respond if I do this - or asking yourself what his actions mean. But when you are able to look in the mirror and say - loveu, you have fought the good fight, you have made changes in yourself that you feel good about, and you are ready to have a happy and successful life that you will make for yourself and your children.<P>"Facing up to it and realising that he is not coming back" has nothing to do with it. He may still try to come back one day or he may not. But you are ready to move on when you can honestly take H's actions out of the decision making process, in my opinion. He is confused, he is unreliable, he is unstable and indecisive. Do you really want to make such an important decision based on his actions?<P>I talk a good game loveu but I know this is far easier said than done. Just hope this helps you think through things a bit...<P>Starpony

Well, the Bibical stand for divorce is adultery ... unrepentant continued adultery. And that's what you've got here.<P>Of course, God expects us to forgive as He forgives (you know, 70x7) but He understands when someone's heart has hardened and is unrepentant of the sin of adultery.<P>But only you IN YOUR HEART can decide how much and how long you can take this. There are many on here that have been holding out based on the 70x7 forgiveness .... <P>I, myself, would move forward. If it's been THIS long and he's not woke up yet, then you could be "strung along" indefinitely and walked on like a doormat. And that's definitely NOT God's plan for your life!<P>

loveu...I am in the same situation. He has been gone 1 month. I have done everything to get him interested to move back. He is with us every other day and helps with the kids. It is hard for me to forget or let go. The anger and bitterness has subsided and I am nice but it is an awkward situation. The kids are stressed somewhat too. How did your H come back the other times and what made him leave again? We are both at counselors but I don't see him making efforts to correct the living situation. I think the affair is still there but can't prove it.

Dear Loveu:<BR>Ooopss, I just posted the SAME thing and it wasn't until after I posted it that I saw yours. Well, I'm in the same boat as you and don't know the answer to the same question. I hope at least yours gets answered.

Only you know when you have had enough. The answer is different for each person.

Thanks for all the responses.<P>TimJ Thanks. I don't know that I can't go on with it anymore it's just that I don't know if I want to. I am losing a lot of love for my H at the moment and I am scared that I won't get it back. I am working on me a lot and have started college and enjoy being with friends and do a lot of fun stuff with the kids, but this is always in the back of my mind. For example, how do you plan Christmas etc, not knowing where H will be. <P>Starpony - thanks I got your email. I will respond after this.<P>Maya - I know I could divorce him biblically speaking, I also know that I could forgive him eventually, but what I don't know - is do I want to forgive him. He was once a very loving kind and caring person and now he is not, do I want to love a man like that?<P>Ladyb and Katya - I really have no advice on how to get him to come home. Each time it is different. Last time, I was in a pretty good plan B and I guess he just missed us, but after being home 3 weeks, he obviously missed her too, so had to go again. I am not willing to go through that again that is why, so far, I am not in Plan B, because I don't want him coming home just because he missed us and then leaving again when he starts to miss her. I am polite to him when he is around, and we are still very close together (!) when he is over here but I want more in my life. I want someone to love who wants my love and I want someone to love me and put me first in their life - is that too much to ask?<P>I guess the bottom line here is I am not getting any younger and do I hold on until he decides to make his mind up - or do I move on and find someone who appreciates me as the person I am? I know no one has all the answers but I am just putting these questions out there for any advice.

You move on when YOU no longer feel for him what you once felt. And even then it's not a decision per se, it's more a process. Simply making the decision won't make you feel any better. You don't have to rush to do anything permanent, you just start doing for yourself. Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it's my experience anyway. Take care...<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

Thanks Bobbie. I just went to Plan B today after posting my previous message. I need to be free of H for a while and sort myself out. This is the way to do it I guess. He is understanding of it and said he would respect my decision to do this and just wanted to be sure he could still be in contact with the kids. I feel sad yet relieved to a certain extent. Crazy life.