I just found this web site. What I am about to say my come as a surprise to most of you, but I need some direction. My husband an I have been together 7 yrs, married for 3 yrs. My H was married when I met him to be short, we were work friends no sex just talked at work about me and my life. When I decieded to leve the city he came to visit me just befor I left, I did not answer the door because I new what may happen. I moved over 600 miles away and one day I got a call from him and the calls continued; needless to say we had an affair, I feel in love. There was a lot of back and forth in the beginning. He has three children all grown the youngest was 20 at the time. I left my job and house as he asked and followed him to another state. In short we married. However, his children and extended family (brother, aunts, uncles) have never accepted me, in fact they hate me. I felt that my H never defended me with them. Needless to say issues contributed to a emotional disorder that resulted in a bad spending problem. This complicated our relationship. We went to counseling to deal with my "issues". This has been a 2 1/2 year battle and I have really gotten things together in the past year. I've acknowledge my problem and he hurt I caused my H. I've gotten closer to God and strengthen my spiritual walk. But in Nov my H left our home and got an apt. He says it was because of me, and my spending issues he continues to bring up the things I did in the past and would not admit to my progress. I am devastated, the pain is unbearable at times. Yesterday we met to talk, I acknowledged his hurt in dealing with my spending issues. We were intimate and we talked he opened up to me and told me that he was and had been for some time experiencing hurt and guilt over what he did to his ex-wife and children and that he was blaming me.

He says he has ask for God forgiveness but he still suffers from the guilt. How do I help my H get over this. What can I do, what can he do? How can I bring my H home? How do we save our marriage.

**edit**.

That is not an options. He can not go back to his ex-wife, he doesn't want to and she doesn't want him. The Bible says the only justification for a divorce is adultery. I was not my H first adulterous relationship. His marriage was broken way before I came along.

**edit**

Sounds as though you've got your own issues. I wish you well

i can only hope my ex-wife comes in here one day with story like this

Ok, I am curious...WHAT WAS THE STORY AND WHY DID THE MODS DELETE IT?

Dosen't matter. This woman had an affairriage. Now she wonders why she has marriage problems.

The only thing I will point out is that how can she think that a man that cheats is husband material. And, for that matter what kind of wife material is a woman that cheats.

They both have issues. She is willing to work on her's, he won't.

Ahhh...yeah, it does! We have had active WSs here many times, so what was the violation?


[Sorry for the TJ]
We are in complete agreement there. As someone whose xWW thought that marrying her co-adulterous & child-abandoning POSOM would turn him suddenly into "Husband & Father Of The Year" (details too bizarre for Jerry Springer) material, I would have liked to have heard from the other side.

You can't. Your marriage was doomed from the start. That is why relationships born out of affairs never last. His parents, kids, and xW hate you, and for good reason. That will never change, and they will be a part of his life for the rest of his life. On top of that, he will always be reminded of his infidelity and tearing up his kids family because of you. The best way for him to get over his guilt is to break up with you. Sorry, but it is the truth. I think that your husband has discovered that your relationship wasn't all he thought it was cracked up to be, and he regrets his decision. You know what you were getting yourself into when you started an affair with a married man. What did you expect? You were different from his first wife?

TGS,

{Again, sorry for the TJ earlier]

I am afraid that I have to agree with JMWC95 on this one. I know you probably feel that this is "unfair" but you both failed to consider earlier was how UNFAIR your A was to your (now) H's wife and kids. Like all affairees, you 2 were lost in the foggy avoidance of actually empathizing with those people being hurt who happenned to be physically out-of-view. You both did what "felt right" rather than what "was right" and didn't seriously consider the long-term consequences. If you (either or you) thought of them at all, you probably rationalized it all away by foggily saying:
"Kids are resilient--they will bounce back"
"His wife will recover on her own and be fine"
"The kids will learn to love and accept me"

This stuff is utter nonsense and very rarely actually comes to fruition. Affair-marriages (AM) suffer from these pitfalls, among many others, that "normal" relationships do not. Normal R's do not need to be rationalized and they do need to accept compromises or take such "risks". Like yourself, my xWW married her (married) affair partner as soon as the "ink was dry" on the respective divorces. She/they spent a great deal of effort last year playing "new mommy & daddy of the year" to his 2 sons.

Result:
The older (17) barely tolerates them both superficially as he prepares to move out in 6 months and keeps secret contact with his mom behind their back (despite their best efforts to control him)
The younger (13) OVERTLY LOATHES them both and has said so...he will no longer go over there on visitation
The 2 brothers (2 different mothers) were close and have been separated...their resentment at this is palpable.

Most of us here, myself included, are extremely pro-marriage in almost all circumstances. AM's however are an exception.
They almost never last
They never should have taken place in the first place
The "problems" are entirely predictable...call it a Karmic Doom
They should simply end so that the 2 affairees can learn and restore some integrity to their lives

Sorry, but I would advise you to end it, because it is going to end sooner or later and you are just wasting time by pretending otherwise.

TGS, it seems like you are going through a difficult time. Much to your chagrin, I share similar sentiments with the people that have taken the time to respond to your post.

I am pro-marriage, pro-divorce, and pro-working it out. The only thing that leaves an unsavoury taste in my mouth are affair marriages. Why? It was never an honest love to begin with. Of course there are exceptional circumstances but for the most part, and this is statistically significant, most affair marriages crumble. And they crumble because they lack the foundation of an honest beginning.

Some people are not meant to be together. That is why divorce is common. But if you are the reason why a man leaves his wife, there is going to be a lot of residual; contempt from those affected, insecurity, regret, guilt, shame -- a mixed bag of bad feelings.