I have been married 18 years lived together for 23 years. From my 1st marriage I have D30, D28, S26. We have had my 12 year old niece live with us since she was 3 wks old and my WH and myself have raised her as our own. She has mild comprehension delay and would be about 9 in age.
I found out my husband was having an affair in July of last year. At the time he told me all the familiar babble (as per this site). We went to mc for 5 weeks and things were going well and he enjoyed the open communication as much as I did with the counselor. Two weeks after our previous visit to mc he decided that he still wanted his space. I helped him to move and furnished the house for him as he was wanting to have the D12 overnight 2 or 3 nights a week. It was just after this that I noticed he was becoming more distant, so I approached him if he was seeing OW again which he admitted to. She left her husband in the April. To cut a long story short. I think I have broken all the LB rules and I have taken him into R conversation on more than one occasion. Some of the times he is open to it but since he moved in with OW about 8 weeks ago he has become very cold and distant, so I haven’t really talked much about R but general stuff. We had a major issue with him wanting D12 to stay with them every 2nd weekend which I refused at first but was seen as using her as a tool. I was concerned about her feelings of how she would fit into another families dyanamics. Anyway she was wanting to go so I have let that happen and that all seems to be going well. About 2 weeks ago I gave him a letter, basically outlining that I am in the marriage and that I am wanting to work on it, but if that is not what he wants to do then I can’t do it on my own. His response to this letter was very angry to which I was shocked as I had also taken my responsibility in the state of the marriage (wasn’t too bad) prior to the A. He gave me a hug before he left and we parted on good terms. As we went into the New Year he sent emails to all our long standing friends wishing them a HNY signed by him and the OW. This didn’t go down well with the friends. I thought hard about the response to the previous letter and decided that I would write again to say that it was now his turn to take responsibility for where things were at and that he had no right to treat me with such disrespect when all that I told him was that I Love him unconditionally and wanted to work on the marriage.
When I finished the second letter I found a letter on this site from a FWH addressed to all WS so I attached it to the letter. His body language told me that he was upset and I told him that I didn’t want him to respond if he didn’t want to. I told him that if he was being honest then he will take home letters to OW and not leave it on the bench like the last one because he couldn’t take it home. He didn’t respond verbally and as he was leaving he gave me a hearty hug and said he would speak to me soon. From the first letter I gave him he told me that I unintentionally make him uncomfortable and stressed, so in the second letter I suggested that if I made him feel like that then he can pick up and drop off D12 from his Mums house, which he has opted to do.
He sent me an email the next day as set out below.

I am writing this in the hope that you will finally accept my decision to move on with my life. You have said on numerous occassions that you have done so only for my next visit to be welcomed with another letter, emotional conversation, Dido or the like. As we have both noted, visits are very uncomfortable and stressed and I find it harder and harder to even talk to you on the phone. The way I see it, you have tried using daughter,and now throwing sermons from repentant WS's at me to obviously try to break down what I have built up with OW and bring me back to you.
Let me try once again to explain things from my angle. I never set out to hurt you at any stage, things have built up and accumulated over the years to the point where I could go on no further with you. I'm not talking about the last couple of years, this goes back many years, stuff we've already discussed both together and with the Counsellor. I have no wish at this point to re-hash any of this.
You asked me the other day if I loved OW . I told you "yes, I do" and I will re-iterate that feeling now. I AM in love with her and I'm very happy with things as they are here. You asked me to admit to you a while ago that OW and I had made an "emotional connection" sometime prior to Christmas 2007, which I did acknowledge was the case. At that time I explained to you how long I'd known her and that we'd been friends for a very long time. I explained to you that nothing had happened between OW and I whilst she was still living in her marriage a fact I think you still do not believe. This I can't help, it is the truth and if you choose to believe otherwise, whether from your own mind or from the constant dribble going around at the time that you were lapping up, there is nothing I can do about that.
You challenged me to share your writings with her, again obviously to try to throw doubts into her about me and try to drive us apart. She has read your offerings and this response. Contrary to your thoughts, we do not sit down here discussing you and laughing or [censored] about you, we both just wish you could move on and allow me and us the same. I have tried to be polite, understanding, compassionate but nearly always end up frustrated and angry. I no longer wish to deal with this with you and will be happy for arrangements for Jasmine through my Mother per your suggestion.
I am sorry it has come to this but I wish to get on with my life, starting now.

I responded to this email with Thanks for the truth.
Second response after a couple of hours because I was royally pd was

Fly be free. Perhaps I got it wrong I should have been telling you what a piece of crap you are and also maybe I should have been bagging OW which you know I have not been doing. Truth always prevails and don’t think that for one minute people can believe what either of you have to say because everything that you have done is based on cheating lies. Oh but I forgot I am a slow learner

He sent me an email not acknowledging my emails but to tell me when and where he wanted to see D12. This is becoming difficult since there is only communication via his mother and I don’t want her to be involved so I have taken it to mediation to sort out.
My question pertaining to all of this is. Should I continue NC with him or should I pursue a Plan A with the acquired knowledge from this site?
At this point I have chosen no contact with him, but feel that this is the wrong way, I think I need to be on friendly terms without R talk before I did no contact. Does this sound right?
Our marriage was not as bad as he said. There has been lots of drama in our life in the past 3 to 5 years the last one being that I had a stroke in June 2007. I hope this post isn’t too long and hope somebody can help me.

I have been married 18 years lived together for 23 years. From my 1st marriage I have D30, D28, S26. We have had my 12 year old niece live with us since she was 3 wks old and my WH and myself have raised her as our own. She has mild comprehension delay and would be about 9 in age.

I found out my husband was having an affair in July of last year. At the time he told me all the familiar babble (as per this site). We went to mc for 5 weeks and things were going well and he enjoyed the open communication as much as I did with the counselor. Two weeks after our previous visit to mc he decided that he still wanted his space. I helped him to move and furnished the house for him as he was wanting to have the D12 overnight 2 or 3 nights a week.

It was just after this that I noticed he was becoming more distant, so I approached him if he was seeing OW again which he admitted to. She left her husband in the April. To cut a long story short. I think I have broken all the LB rules and I have taken him into R conversation on more than one occasion. Some of the times he is open to it but since he moved in with OW about 8 weeks ago he has become very cold and distant, so I haven’t really talked much about R but general stuff.

We had a major issue with him wanting D12 to stay with them every 2nd weekend which I refused at first but was seen as using her as a tool. I was concerned about her feelings of how she would fit into another families dyanamics. Anyway she was wanting to go so I have let that happen and that all seems to be going well. About 2 weeks ago I gave him a letter, basically outlining that I am in the marriage and that I am wanting to work on it, but if that is not what he wants to do then I can’t do it on my own.

His response to this letter was very angry to which I was shocked as I had also taken my responsibility in the state of the marriage (wasn’t too bad) prior to the A. He gave me a hug before he left and we parted on good terms. As we went into the New Year he sent emails to all our long standing friends wishing them a HNY signed by him and the OW. This didn’t go down well with the friends.

I thought hard about the response to the previous letter and decided that I would write again to say that it was now his turn to take responsibility for where things were at and that he had no right to treat me with such disrespect when all that I told him was that I Love him unconditionally and wanted to work on the marriage.

When I finished the second letter I found a letter on this site from a FWH addressed to all WS so I attached it to the letter. His body language told me that he was upset and I told him that I didn’t want him to respond if he didn’t want to. I told him that if he was being honest then he will take home letters to OW and not leave it on the bench like the last one because he couldn’t take it home.

He didn’t respond verbally and as he was leaving he gave me a hearty hug and said he would speak to me soon. From the first letter I gave him he told me that I unintentionally make him uncomfortable and stressed, so in the second letter I suggested that if I made him feel like that then he can pick up and drop off D12 from his Mums house, which he has opted to do.
He sent me an email the next day as set out below.

I am writing this in the hope that you will finally accept my decision to move on with my life. You have said on numerous occassions that you have done so only for my next visit to be welcomed with another letter, emotional conversation, Dido or the like. As we have both noted, visits are very uncomfortable and stressed and I find it harder and harder to even talk to you on the phone. The way I see it, you have tried using daughter,and now throwing sermons from repentant WS's at me to obviously try to break down what I have built up with OW and bring me back to you.

Let me try once again to explain things from my angle. I never set out to hurt you at any stage, things have built up and accumulated over the years to the point where I could go on no further with you. I'm not talking about the last couple of years, this goes back many years, stuff we've already discussed both together and with the Counsellor. I have no wish at this point to re-hash any of this.

You asked me the other day if I loved OW . I told you "yes, I do" and I will re-iterate that feeling now. I AM in love with her and I'm very happy with things as they are here. You asked me to admit to you a while ago that OW and I had made an "emotional connection" sometime prior to Christmas 2007, which I did acknowledge was the case. At that time I explained to you how long I'd known her and that we'd been friends for a very long time.

I explained to you that nothing had happened between OW and I whilst she was still living in her marriage a fact I think you still do not believe. This I can't help, it is the truth and if you choose to believe otherwise, whether from your own mind or from the constant dribble going around at the time that you were lapping up, there is nothing I can do about that.

You challenged me to share your writings with her, again obviously to try to throw doubts into her about me and try to drive us apart. She has read your offerings and this response. Contrary to your thoughts, we do not sit down here discussing you and laughing or [censored] about you, we both just wish you could move on and allow me and us the same. I have tried to be polite, understanding, compassionate but nearly always end up frustrated and angry. I no longer wish to deal with this with you and will be happy for arrangements for Jasmine through my Mother per your suggestion.

I am sorry it has come to this but I wish to get on with my life, starting now.

I responded to this email with Thanks for the truth.
Second response after a couple of hours because I was royally pd was Fly be free. Perhaps I got it wrong I should have been telling you what a piece of crap you are and also maybe I should have been bagging OW which you know I have not been doing. Truth always prevails and don’t think that for one minute people can believe what either of you have to say because everything that you have done is based on cheating lies. Oh but I forgot I am a slow learner

He sent me an email not acknowledging my emails but to tell me when and where he wanted to see D12. This is becoming difficult since there is only communication via his mother and I don’t want her to be involved so I have taken it to mediation to sort out.

My question pertaining to all of this is. Should I continue NC with him or should I pursue a Plan A with the acquired knowledge from this site?

At this point I have chosen no contact with him, but feel that this is the wrong way, I think I need to be on friendly terms without R talk before I did no contact. Does this sound right?
Our marriage was not as bad as he said. There has been lots of drama in our life in the past 3 to 5 years the last one being that I had a stroke in June 2007. I hope this post isn’t too long and hope somebody can help me. [/quote]

(Just breaking this up so it's easier to read.)

HI princesspeggy thank you for sharing your story it gives me faith that I am on the right track.