This might sound a little strange - or at least it feels strange for me...<P>I've been lurking around marriagebuilders for a while trying to gain some insight on how to re-energize my relationship with my wife since graduating school.<P>Our marriage is going better than it has ever in 17 years! I'm trying, she's trying, and it's like we're on a second honeymoon or something. I love her so much!<P>What's killing me today is that, WHAM!, I met someone that's causing me to feel out of control! She is the mother of my son's friend and we see each other not a lot, but fairly often. She and I talk quite a bit on-line. She is intelligent and witty and seems to understand my unusual sense of humor (I always have to explain myself to my wife). Lastly, but not least, she's married too.<P>My dilemma: I fallen hard. And even knowing everything you have been saying in this forum doesn't seem to diminish this attraction. This is the first time something like this has EVER happened to me. My intellect is screaming for me to stop and think about what I'm about to do (or may have already done) to my family. It doesn't make any sense!<BR>My marriage is going great! Why now?<BR>The comparisons to a drug is absolutely appropriate - when I'm around her, I can't think rationally. I only know that I have to be near her no matter the cost!<P>This an awful feeling! I used to pass quick judgement on betrayers in this forum. "How could she do that!" or "That son-of-a-*****" made its way past my lips on many occasions in this arena. Now I am becoming "that son-of-a-*****".<P>I have no one I can talk to this about without the potential it could get back to our spouses. <P>You're probably going to to tell me to cut off all contact with her. I've seen Harley's advice and I know it's right. Right now, I feel like you might as well tell me to stop breathing.<P>How do I get out of this! HELP!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by BlindSided (edited August 18, 1999).]

You absolutely must stop seeing & talking to her. It's not just going to go away. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She is intelligent and witty and seems to understand my unusual sense of humor (I always have to explain myself to my wife)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sounds like you feel something a bit negative towards your Wife. Don't look for the negatives in her. Look for the positives.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've been lurking around marriagebuilders for a while trying to gain some insight on how to re-energize my relationship with my wife since graduating school.<BR>Our marriage is going better than it has ever in 17 years! I'm trying, she's trying, and it's like we're on a second honeymoon or something. I love her so much!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't understand this. How does it need "re-energizing if it has never been better?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I only know that I have to be near her no matter the cost!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The cost may very well be your marriage if you continue on this path!<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited August 18, 1999).]

This is a tough situation but you seem to know the answer yourself. You do need to cut-off all communication with the ow. You know it is wrong and very very unfair to your W. I know its exciting and new but that's all it is exciting and new, I am sure you felt the same way when you met your W. Once you cut-off all communication with the ow you will begin to see the err of your ways. It is for the best because the pain and heartache that you can cause is beyond belief, you have the opportunity to stop before the pain and heartache that can follow. You must consider your w and u and your marriage. <P>God Bless

This is a no-brainer situation, Blindsided.<P>1. Cut it off with the OW.<P>2. Tell your wife about your attaction. Work with her through it.<P>If you've lurked here, you know what happens when you don't follow that sound advice. Take it.

Chris,<BR>When I was in school, that was where all my energies were focused. That allowed a rift to develop in our relationship that I couldn't see until after I had graduated. We had grown apart. By applying the principles I've learned here, we are coming back together closer than ever. So, I guess it's only the chronology that has you confused.<BR>Sorry!

Okay. Synopsis<P>Realizing the attraction is a pull that is keeping you from thinking rationally, you know all the pitfalls - how dangerous this is, and yet the feeling is so overwhelming - you can't control yourself.<P>This is an addiction!<P>Think of cocaine: It is an attraction for an addict. They can't say no, they will allow their careers, family, bank account, everything go to hell for the pleasure. But the thing is - the pleasure is short lived - and it becomes a thorn, and no pleasure - and then WHAM! They are a slave to the cocaine and no pleasure!!! Same thing as your addiction!<P>Solution for the cocaine addict? NOW realize it is great but not worth it and stop!<P>Sin is short lived pleasure - and it's own goal - to steal, kill and destroy.<P>Stop this absolutely right now, this is an enemy to you and your future.<BR>

Infatuation? Never experienced it before? <BR>Since it is unlikely that you are going to cut off contact and have read all that has been said here. Try these different things.<BR>First, try to see her as a person. Somehow these people who catch our attention are given instant perfect status. Nobody is perfect. Its just that you are not seeing her less than attractive side and she is not seeing yours. Generally we don't show that to people until after we are married.<BR>Look for defects in her. They are there and you are just overwhelmed by her to see them. THink about your defects that you are not showing her that your wife sees and loves you anyway.<BR>She is not causing you to feel out of control, you are causing you to feel out of control.<P>Emotions will always supercede intellect. So stop trying to be logical about it. Logic always loses. The way to think about it is that you get these good feeling when you are around her. If it goes to the next step, there is a high probability that you will lose her forever. So in order to maintain that feeling, stay where you are, don't take the next step.<P>Chances are either one or the both of you will tire of each other over time. And then you will still be friends.<P>I do recommend that you get a counsellor to help you to understand and deal with these overwhelming feelings.

Thanks K<P>Nothing has really come of this - no lunch, dinner, or sex or anything like that. <P>Knowing all of this would kill my wife and destroy all the progress we've made.<P>Could I not simply cut off all contact with the OW and just let it die?<P>My wife is an incredible person (and is an UNBELIEVABLY GOOD lover). Her heart is bigger than Texas. She's not stupid by a long shot, but we sometimes struggle to make that intellectual connection. Her intelligence lies in other, just as important, areas.<P>In Harley terms, I suppose I'm caught having my different needs met by two different people. I've told my wife about this need I have and God knows she tries and I love her for that. <P>I guess you're right. I'll stop all contact. But everyone will know somethings up...

I beg you...STOP!!!<P>You know the problems you are about to cause. Yes it feels good now...BUT...it will feel so much worse and for far long if you go further.<P>Stop all contact and tell your wife.

STOP!!!!!!! IT"S NOT WORTH THE PAIN IT WILL CAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote: "I'll stop all contact. But everyone will know somethings up..."<P>No they won't. They will only be speculating. And don't concern yourself with what other people think when you are doing the right thing. It seems that people don't care about what other people think when they are doing the wrong.<P>I still recommend marriage counselling. This needs to be confronted.

BlindSided:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Knowing all of this would kill my wife and destroy all the progress we've made.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're not getting off this easily...<P>What do you think your wife would really do? There's been no sex, no dating---it's the beginnings of an emotional affair.<P>It won't destroy her. In fact, after she deals with the shock, your honesty will likely bring you closer and faciliate a rebuilding process in your marriage.<P>If you've lurked here, you should be intimately familiar with Harley's policies on Honesty. If not, read them under the basic concepts and Q&A sections. Complete honesty is the cornerstone of a solid marriage. Right now, even if you cut it off with the "OW", you're depriving your wife of crucial information about your needs.<P>If you're really going to do the right thing, the steps that I would have you take would be to:<P>1. Call Steve Harley (888-639-1639) for a counseling appointment.<P>2. Follow his advice.<P>You can do this on your own, without counseling, but I still believe strongly in being honest with your wife. And I think dealing with Steve gives you a safety net that you won't have if you try it on your own. I'd also suggest that you purchase "Give and Take" from this website and read it. It seems that honesty is your major weakness---you're going to need to learn how to be honest with your wife with all your feelings (good and bad). You can't protect her from your negative feelings---that's one of the contributing factors in why you've ended up here.<P>

BlindSided,<P>You know, from reading this forum, about all the pain that an affair causes. I was were you were at and did not stop. You probably think this is different. You can handle this. You need her right now, etc.,etc.. But, please realize that the pleasure you feel in this budding relationship does not compare to the pain in the future. It's quite simple really: you break up your marriage or you break off contact with the OW. You cannot have both.<BR>Just by coming here to tell us about your situation you are taking the right step toward ending further developments with the OW. You knew exactly what we were going to say and we'll say it again: DON'T CONTINUE CONTACT WITH THIS OW!!!<BR>The next step to nipping this danger in the bud is to talk to your wife about it. The situation you are in is a full-blown affair waiting to happen. Talk to your wife. Tell her of the attraction. Make her aware before you are emotionally too far gone!

Whoa. Deja vu in my face.<P>I felt everything you were saying, I remember so well feeling the same way. It will grab you quickly and you'll be out of control in NO time at all.<P>You have to quit the contact right now. If I had done that so much misery would have been avoided. However, in MY case my marriage sucked and it was an escape from reality.<P>Since you already have a GREAT marriage, you need to concentrate on that! There's something that you're needing from your wife ... you both need to talk about it.<P>But please oh please don't go the route that I did. The pain is way more than you can imagine. And even this early in your "situation" you're gonna feel withdrawal. You're gonna miss talking to her. Pour all your strength into your marriage. God will bless that effort!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited August 18, 1999).]

You're all right of course. I suppose I did know what you were all going to say. I didn't chat with OW today - she sent mail later wanting to know if I was avoiding her. I've not expressed my feeings to her (but I think she knows) and don't think that would be the right thing to do, but do you think I owe her an explanation?<BR>I'm presently seeing a counselor (and taking Paxil) for depression and I plan to talk with him about this at our next session.<BR>Maybe he can help me find the courage to tell my wife about it.<BR>Thanks, All of you have been a great help. In this case, you were the ground for the lightning bolt that hit me.<P>Maya - you're right - I was worried the withdrawal. I was hoping things hadn't gone far enough for their to be any, but the thought of not seeing her again makes me pretty sad. Thanks<p>[This message has been edited by BlindSided (edited August 18, 1999).]

Blindsided,<P>(Appropriate name - It is easy to become so blinded to the odvious!)<P>A way to let her know is to send her this topic, and then tell her No further communication required?

Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! You say it's hard enough to not contact her. What if she reciprocated your feelings? Then how difficult would it be? Very!<P>You kbnow what you have to do and you know what you can do to very badly screw things up. Look before you leap. Keep strong!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Right! Don't tell the OW about your feelings. What if she responds with an I-feel-the-same? You would be putting yourself right into the next phase of the affair. You could tell the OW that you need to stop communication because you are a married man without delving into the specifics of your feelings for her. In other words, make the focus your own situation with your wife, not your situation vis-a-vis the OW. Again, I can't stress enough,... tell your wife! Your obligation is to her! Don't worry about leaving the OW wondering.<BR>It's a great idea to talk to your counselor.

Based on MY experience, she may very well have feelings for you also. I don't think you should tell her how you're feeling.<P>A possible response would be that you are uncomfortable with the friendship and think it's best you stop talking so much.<P>She'll probably read alot into that too, but just stick to your story. It's inappropriate for males/females to be friends...and I'm living proof as to WHY!<P>You can also just back off the contact completely, like you did today, and she'll question you for a while -- tell her you're busy, etc., and after a while the whole thing will die off, since you're not holding up your end of the relationship.<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited August 18, 1999).]

I agree with Maya that just avoiding her is the best and hopefully it will die on it's own. <P>If you absolutely feel it necesary to give some sort of an explanation just tell her that it is inappropriate for you guys to be spending so much time together and that you would rather be spending that time with your wife.<P>You seem to know what you need and want to do. Just in case you are having any doubts yet, think about how your son would feel if (when) he found out you had an affair with his friend's mother. Affairs are hard enough on kids, but that puts him in the middle. He would probably loose a family, and a friend.<P>Stay strong and do what you know is right. It's great that you've come looking for help before this went any farther! Wish there were more spouses like you.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>