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As I was reading another thread where some posters were talking about wanting what the OP got it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I WANT WHAT THE OW GOT!!!!
I am almost 2 years into recovery and for the most part my marriage is going well. My H has become the H I always wanted, but it just isn't good enough for me. Until now, I just couldn't ever put my finger on what it was that was missing.
In trying to figure it out I have told my H I want flowers, I want dates with him, I want him to make me feel special, I want him to chase after me. The problem is that when I tell him exactly what it is I want he becomes resistant. It is like it has to be his idea. He has told me that he doesn't want to bring me flowers when I ask him to because then he would just be doing it because I told him to and it won't mean anything.
So what do I do about it???? I know my H loves me, but he will never have that new relationship feeling for me, yet I want him to. Not only do I want it but it feels like I need it to be whole again.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Are you giving him what the OW gave him?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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You know, show up at the office wearing only a trench coat and stuff like that...
Have an affair w/ your husband
Get a babysitter...rent a hotel room and kidnap him from the office
Celebrate "National BJ Week" at your house!
Last edited by bigkahuna; 01/08/09 07:43 PM.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Big K, ""Are you giving him what the OW gave him?""This is sooo very AWESOME  .... at so many levels! The more I think about it the deeper you become! And you did not mean it in a mean or smart a$$ way either. (I don't think) kirk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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What are you doing to make him feel special so that he'll want to return the favor?
No reason you can't take him on a date.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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You already got what the OW got - many years ago!! You got it first, just remember that. I know what you are saying though - you want it again. As the others said - you do it first and hopefully he will do it back.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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You know, show up at the office wearing only a trench coat and stuff like that...
Have an affair w/ your husband
Get a babysitter...rent a hotel room and kidnap him from the office
Celebrate "National BJ Week" at your house! This was an awesome suggestion. Too often wives (me included) become nagging pains who leave lists and sigh loudly when we don't get flowers. My parents have an amazing marriage and sex life to boot. Once I asked mum how she burnt the back of her leg and she told me on the fire place...but she'd have to be upsidedown...need I say that the look she gave me meant I didn't and SHOULDN'T ask anymore questions. They are grandparents!!! We still knock if we drop in for visits. Hehehe. I miss you BK!
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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And you did not mean it in a mean or smart a$$ way either. (I don't think) One of my first questions to my wife was "what needs was OM fulfilling - where was I failing...?"
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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One of my first questions to my wife was "what needs was OM fulfilling - where was I failing...?" I have not asked or even thought to ask that question and it does seem like an important one! I mean, we've talked about EN's and all that, but I never thought to ask what SHE was doing that was so great (though not in those terms, of course!).Thank you, BK, poor (well not in the long run, just in uncomfortableness at the moment) Ike will get that question handed to him and I will wait with baited breath for a, hopefully, insightful answer. Thanks, again! Sorry to tj, TTLIG!
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.
I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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I am making the OW look like chopped liver!  God's blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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I am making the OW look like chopped liver! Bwhahahahahahahahaahahaha 
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Posts: 7,464
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I have not asked or even thought to ask that question and it does seem like an important one! I mean, we've talked about EN's and all that, but I never thought to ask what SHE was doing that was so great (though not in those terms, of course!).Thank you, BK, poor (well not in the long run, just in uncomfortableness at the moment) Ike will get that question handed to him and I will wait with baited breath for a, hopefully, insightful answer. Thanks, again! It was in my interests to know WHY my wife was vulnerable to an affair so I could make sure she was never vulnerable again. This is just common sense! Yes my wife made bad choices and was 100% responsible for cheating but I was at least 50% responsible for the environment in our marriage that made it possible.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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In trying to figure it out I have told my H I want flowers, I want dates with him, I want him to make me feel special, I want him to chase after me. The problem is that when I tell him exactly what it is I want he becomes resistant. It is like it has to be his idea. He has told me that he doesn't want to bring me flowers when I ask him to because then he would just be doing it because I told him to and it won't mean anything. Meeting his ENs are great. But after nearly 2 years in recovery, your Plan A should have long ago seen some return. What I hear you saying is that FWS is refusing to meet your ENs in a way you have described you need them met. This will lead to resentment if he continues to refuse your requests. Has FWS read HN/HN or Fall in Love, Stay in Love?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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It was in my interests to know WHY my wife was vulnerable to an affair so I could make sure she was never vulnerable again.
This is just common sense!
Yes my wife made bad choices and was 100% responsible for cheating but I was at least 50% responsible for the environment in our marriage that made it possible. I have a real problem with this. If the WS truly is a FWS they will be busting their gut trying to meet the BS's EN's. This spells trouble in my book. I'd start snooping. Are you positive that NC is in place?
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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I have a real problem with this. If the WS truly is a FWS they will be busting their gut trying to meet the BS's EN's. This spells trouble in my book. I'd start snooping. Are you positive that NC is in place? Vladie - are you having problems with comprehension today? Have you been drinking?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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It was in my interests to know WHY my wife was vulnerable to an affair so I could make sure she was never vulnerable again.
This is just common sense!
Yes my wife made bad choices and was 100% responsible for cheating but I was at least 50% responsible for the environment in our marriage that made it possible. I have a real problem with this. If the WS truly is a FWS they will be busting their gut trying to meet the BS's EN's. This spells trouble in my book. I'd start snooping. Are you positive that NC is in place? huh? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Seriously Vladie - where did I EVER say my wife was not meeting my EN's?
Please read.
Don't you have some flower arrangements to tend to for your upcoming nuptials?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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It was in my interests to know WHY my wife was vulnerable to an affair so I could make sure she was never vulnerable again.
This is just common sense!
Yes my wife made bad choices and was 100% responsible for cheating but I was at least 50% responsible for the environment in our marriage that made it possible. I have a real problem with this. If the WS truly is a FWS they will be busting their gut trying to meet the BS's EN's. This spells trouble in my book. I'd start snooping. Are you positive that NC is in place? huh? That "huh" is co-signed! ???? :crosseyedcrazy: ???? Vladie, how in the world did you get something that outlandish from BK's post? Nowhere did he say that his wife wasn't meeting his needs...  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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A WS if they are truly remorseful and racked with guilt (as they should be) they will be doing what they can to make up for their A. Meeting the BS EN's would be their priority.
Doesn't sound to me like this WS or FWS is truly remorseful or committed
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Vladie, how in the world did you get something that outlandish from BK's post? Nowhere did he say that his wife wasn't meeting his needs... Mrs. W Sorry my post was taken out of context! I didn't mean that BigK's W wasn't meeting his needs at all! I was speaking generally. Guess I should've hit the reply button not the quote!!! 
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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