Im in desperate need of help in determining whether my H is having another affair. I truly feel like Im going to go nuts!

We've been limping along in recovery, my H had been trying to meet my emotional needs but nothing really seems to have much of an impact and Dr Harley told me he feels I am in withdrawal.

I should add that for the past 3 weeks or so Ive felt that something isnt right with my H. He has ratcheted down the level of care he normally shows to me and , I dont know.... its hard to articulate but any BS that has been through this knows what I speak of. There is just something nagging at you that you cant quite put your finger on

In any event, a few days ago, showed my H an email from Dr Harley where he explains that Im in withdrawal and we should spend more than 15 hrs a week together. My H's response was lukewarm, to say the least. At that point I explained to him that I was going to leave him if he couldnt help me out of withdrawal.

It was then that all hell broke lose.

My H got MAD. He refused to speak to me and became emotionally cruel. I should add that this behavior is a BIG LB for me and he knows this. This behavior went on for a day or 2, until I had sort of a mini breakdwon. At this point, I strongly suspected another A and basically begged him to tell me the truth. I told him I felt that I was going to lose it from the stress of not knowing. I told him that I felt that I needed some sort of immediate crisis help and he replied "Do what you have to do and let me know where you are". Im still shocked at the lack of concern on this one.

In any event, things got worse. My H came home from work to "console me" and was mad about being here. He stopped his feet, yelled and accused me of being unconcerned about HIS needs. After all, he needed to get back to work. I should add that his A took place during work hours but was not a workplace A.

There has been a fair amount of gaslighting going on as well.

Can someone please tell me if I am crazy for thinking there is another A going on? My H denies this vehemently but of course, he denied it the last time, too.

What do I do now? I feel utterly paralyzed.

Kim: I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain right now...the pain of withdrawl and the pain of your Hs LBs.

I'm no expert in this area and this site...but from what you are saying here it sounds like time to do a little snooping.

What boundaries have you established around your relationship? Could your H be in contact with the OW? Could there be a different OW who has entered his life?

My "gut" told me something was amiss and not right two times...and two times I refused to acknowledge my gun. The gut was right in BOTH instances.

Hang in there and keep checking back for more replies. We are here to help and support!

DNU

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I see by your sig line that you are in the thick of things yourself so Im overwhelmed that you would take the time out of your stuff to help me.

I should be a wise old veteran by now, eh?

To answer your questions - it very well could be the same OW, the A started up 3 years ago last week and every year around this time she has tried contact. It could also just as easily be another OW. I just dont know.

As far as precautions, there had been transparency and we've gone through years of therapy, 8 months of that with the Harley's so we've delved into why it happened and how it was basically about my H not protecting his weaknesses and boundaries.

He claims they are unassilable now but all Ive got to go on is his word which doesnt mean alot to me these days.

Snooping. Yeah. I think you are right.

JK, can you see yourself, imagine yourself, in a loving, close and personal relationship with your H? If you can, what do you think is actually preventing you from achieving that vision?

It's possible that your H might be involved in an A again. It's however also possible that he's not getting his ENs met and he's frustrated that he's apparently unable to meet yours.

JustKim, its been my experience that when one smells a rat, she is usually right. I know you have had some suspicions for some time and even his level of transparency has not quelled them.

Have you been snooping to see what he is doing?

MiM

Thats the ten thousand dollar question, isnt it? Whether or not I can see myself in a loving, close and personal relationship with my H. The real answer to this is I *want* to see it. I want it but I do not believe it will ever be that way for me

I will elaborate. My top EN is H&O. My H, by nature, is not good at sharing himself. He tries. He really does. But, it falls short. Im always left feeling like I get a sip of water when Im really dying of thirst. It always feels to me like he reveals as little of himself as he possibly can. The problem is, when we discuss it, he tells me he *is* meeting that need, he *is* being honest and open. He *is* sharing himself. But, not to me. I never feel that I know what is really going on with him, really.

And it makes me lonely. It makes me feel like my EN's just simply cant be met by him. Dr Harley tells me this has caused me to withdraw. Id say that is a fair assessment.

Now, here is the rub. My H will now step it up a few notches. He will try harder. He always does. Then, it will ease off. And I will be back here in a few months, same place.

The scary thing is, I know I am at risk for an A at the moment myself. Big risk.

Mel

Thanks for replying. I certainly have had suspicions for some time now, I have since d-day really. Something never seemed quite right to me.

As far as snooping, Im not sure Id find anything. We share a home office. My H is very transparent with his PC and we are both IT people so there really is little to hide. If he were using a PC to communicate, it wouldnt be at home because he knows he couldnt hide it.

Same with the cell phone - he isnt using his. If he were calling someone, it would either be from work or a secret cell kept at work.

Ive thought about a GPS tracker or voice recorder.

(((((((((((((((((((Just Kim)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry but I know your pain.....my 4 D-Days speak loudly.

For me, once I started learning MB principles via books (didn't find/register for this site until later) I set the bar high. My FWH made the choice to jump, he says, for the rest of his life, but if he chose to disrespect me or be the source of my unhappiness on a regular basis with no sign of change, I would go immediately to Plan D, even IF he wasn't in an A. But that's only me due to our 32 previous years of disrespect and unhappiness...not goin' back there ever.

The reason this works for us is that my FWH knows I am serious about his strike 5, we are both enthusiastically operating with Extraordinary Precautions (big changes for both of us) and we are continuously making a commitment to each other ~ spending 20-30 hours together a week and enjoying it!

My guess is that your H doesn't know or respect how high you've set your bar. His statements would be a deal-breaker for me if he was not remorseful, did not apologize and showed no signs of wanting to change.

How much can you handle, Kim? I'll be praying for you as you make these decisions. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kim}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Thanks, Ace. What you say is dead on.

I have no evidence of an another A. The only thing I have is poor behavior and total lack of care for me. The last time this happened to me, there was an A so logically, I suspect that there is another one since it is incomprehnsible to me that my H would hurt me in this way after all we've been through.

He does know this is a boundary. He isnt at all remorseful and is defensive about his actions and feels totally justafied. And that is a big issue for me

Kim,

So sorry you are going through a rough time.

A quick question for you. Does your husband suffer from depression?

I had a some icky gut feelings a few months ago, and my husband reacted a lot like yours, maybe even a little worse.

But after a lot of turmoil, the real problem emerged. Depression. And he got treatment for it. The same depression and anger that I had always believed led to his affair to begin with.

It's completely changed the dynamic of our recovery. So that's why I ask the question.

And please, do some snooping. You do need to be sure he is not in another affair.

WtR

Thanks for your support. Interesting thought. I would have to say that my H exhibits no signs of depression but he is so closed that it is hard to really know.

He does exhibit lots of passive aggressive signs, though. At one point over the last few days when he was being particularly unkind to me, I told him " I think this is who you really are. A scared, small unkind person and the other you? The one that is loving?? THAT is the act. And you know it"

Can you say love buster? Im sure that was a big one
But what do I know?

Kim, what you describe is a wayward mind. Has he always been this way? Has he ever shown any remorse for his affair?

And if I were you, I definitely would snoop. Put a GPS on his car and install a voice activated recorder. At least this way you can rule out an affair and we would know better how to help you.

What does Dr Harley say about all this?

Mel

That is what is confusing. He had shown remorse. Not as much as I would like but alot for him. He hasnt always taken a lead in recovery, for a good long time I did all of that. About 8 months ago, he started to put alot more effort into it. He was clearly trying very hard. I would ask him what changed and he would always say that he realized how much he loved me, that it took him a long time to learn how to meet my needs and that he finally "got it" and now wanted to make up for all he has done.

Fast forward to now. Big difference. I also think this shows a wayward mindset. Im just very uncomfortable.

Dr Harley thinks that I am in withdrawal, that my H is not meeting my EN's. I havent yet asked him about this latest development but am going to do so shortly.

Kim, this reminds of another MB couple that is going through something similar. They are 3 years past D-day and he has never really quite got on board. His W, the BS, recently discovered that he was looking at the OW's website when he was at work. That minimal contact has kept him in a wayward state of mind. [and yes we know that is all he was doing because he passed a polygraph]

But, it might be something like that, which is why I think you need to do some sleuthing and at least, rule it out.

Do you feel you do a good job of meeting his needs? What are his top needs? What are your top lovebusters according to him?